I admit it. I’m more than a bit down right now. I’m tired of existing in what seems to be a perpetual state of worry and tension. I know that my presence here on the blog is usually a cheery one and that’s not a false front. I tend to be cheery and certainly the act of writing this daily journal-blog and taking photographs goes a long way in helping me see the world with grateful eyes.
But sometimes, the struggle gets to be too much. The constant worry about money and bills and will we be able to pay the mortgage and why is the car acting up just plain gets to me. The artistic world in which we work, while lovely, does not bring in a big paycheck. I’ve worked at other jobs and the irony is that those 9-5 jobs that I am qualified for have never paid as well as theater. And theater doesn’t pay very well at all.
We’re not corporate types. I’ve worked in that world, as an underling of course, and the entire time I was there I felt I was playing the biggest acting role of my career; pretending to care even a little bit about all the facts and figures and deadlines and corporate-speak. That’s not the way my brain is wired, unfortunately. We are all artists, of course, but Don and I are performing artists. That’s the world we live in, that’s where our talents are put to the best use, that’s where we can be of service. Because when you come down to it, being of service is the most important thing. At least, for us it is.
I just want some breathing room. I don’t need a lot of money – just enough for a simple life here at the cottage, with bills paid and something in our savings account. For a rainy day. For health insurance. For the new radiator that my mechanic just told me we need. You see, things like that throw us. There’s no wiggle room here at the cottage. We are immediately thrown into a tailspin. And speaking for myself, I panic. I add up figures, I think about how I can shuffle the bills around, what I need to pay exactly on time, and what I can leave just a bit longer. I wake up in the middle of the night and then I can’t get back to sleep because my worrier of a brain starts its endless cycle of ‘what ifs.’
I practice gratefulness. And I am very grateful for so many things in my life. Truly. I affirm that all our needs have been and will be taken care of. That our supply is infinite. I believe in that.
However, on some days that affirming seems to be the hardest thing in the world to do. It certainly has been next to impossible for the last couple of days. But that’s my problem and I know it. I can choose to look at things from one perspective, that of fear and worry and lack, or I can choose to look at it from an entirely different point of view. Some days I am spectacularly good at this. Others….not so good.
Sometimes I get angry; feeling I should be like everyone else I seem to encounter in life and on the web and I’m not, so I’ve failed. Lots of money in my savings account, an endless supply in which to buy a new house, or redecorate or get a new car or just a second car or travel. I see my childhood friends seemingly more financially secure than I, and I envy them that. But then I remember that everyone has problems, that no matter what I perceive to be someone’s state of mind and health and finances, I don’t know the whole story. I have friends who are struggling with illness, who are frightened about their health. I have friends who are struggling with money. I have friends who are worried about their kids or their parents or the stability of their jobs. Though it’s easy to think that no one else struggles like we seem to do here at the cottage, I know that is a lie.
So I come here, to this place that has become a second home to me, this blessing of a blog – and I write. I write to put into some sort of coherent text just what is going on in my head. I write to learn more about myself and to come to terms with something. If I put it down on virtual paper, the fear loses some of its power and the catharsis begins. I tell you, that is something I’m extremely grateful for.
Then I edit and hope you the reader will understand and wonder if I’ve said too much or dumped too much on you. I hope not. This blog is not about a creating a pretty, happy place, although often, thank goodness, it is about pretty and happy things because that’s how my world is at that moment. This blog is about my life here at the cottage and on the road and sometimes it’s messy or angry or sad or scared. I’m a straightforward, honest girl and I have to be that way here.
Hey, I threw in a pretty photo. That should count for something!
Thanks for listening. I know that all of you have your struggles. How do you get through them with grace and faith and hope? I want those three words to define the way I live my life. If you have some thoughts, I’d love hearing them. Thank you, my dear friends.