I’m calling this “McCoy and Books.”
I’m pretty sure those two categories are at the top of my I Love list.
I’ve been crocheting for hours at a time – too many hours at a time. Yesterday, late in the afternoon, I realized that it was the 29th. Exactly one month since my father died. How is that possible? Late last night, as we were getting ready to go to sleep, I told Don that I realized that having my mom and dad still alive here on Earth made me feel safe. And now that they’re gone I didn’t feel safe anymore. Of course, I immediately qualified that statement by saying it was entirely different thing than the ‘safe’ I feel with Don. But I didn’t really need to say that, because he understood. The protection and safety I took for granted all these years has disappeared with the death of my dad.
Dear friends, I try to balance the content of my posts. One sad post must be counterbalanced by several happy, chatty posts. As a rule, this isn’t at all hard for me to do. I’m usually pretty cheery. But it is hard at the moment. I’ve lost both of my parents in the past eighteen months. We have a lot of worries that are ongoing. Scout gets frailer by the minute and I worry about her constantly. The realization that we will lose her at some point is staring me in the face.
I relive those last hours with Dad. I remember something I want to tell him and then realize that I can’t pick up the phone and call him. He sometimes drove me crazy, calling several times a day about some little thing he needed to tell me. Now, I’d give anything to pick up the phone and hear his voice. Isn’t that always the way? Yesterday, I had the thought that I needed to tell Dad that I’m working in Hartford in January. And then I remembered.
It’s good for me to write this and I can only ask your indulgence as I sometimes share my feelings. I’m crying as I type this and that’s good. I need to cry.
Right now, I feel lost and sad. Christmas holds very little appeal, though we’ll celebrate the season in a modified way that feels right for us.
That’s where I am, my friends. Thank you for being there.
I do have another scarf in the Etsy shop – the Obsession Scarf in Wildberries.
This is a photo of an earlier version of the scarf. Each one I make is individual because the placement of the colors within the skein changes. But the colors used remain the same. This will probably be the last one I will make in this colorway, so if you’re at all interested, I’d suggest you jump on it. Here’s the link.
Update: Sold! If you have a request, let me know.