Obviously, this is a tough day for me.
It’s only been 17 days since my mother passed away.
This is the first Mother’s Day in my 61 years of living on this planet without my mother. The first Mother’s Day that I can’t pick up the phone and thank her and wish her a happy Mother’s Day.
I know I can talk to her anytime, and do. But it’s not the same as her being here on this plane of existence.
Many of you have lost your mothers and know all too well the ache that never entirely goes away. Many of you still have the impulse, after so many years without your mom, to pick up the phone and call her. You think, “Oh, I have to tell Mom this…”
Or, in my case, you look at the clock and still have the thought: “Dad must be visiting Mom at the Nursing Home right about now.” And then you remember. She’s no longer there.
How can my mother no longer be here?
My parents, captured on film when they visited me in San Diego in 1994, just a month or two before I met Don.
A while back, I shared something very personal with you: that over the past 2 or 3 years, there have been times when I was alone in the house and I smelled the scent of Oil of Olay. My mom used Oil of Olay every night and that scent is forever Mom’s scent. I became convinced, as did my sister, that Mom was visiting me in those moments. So I would talk to her and tell her I loved her and missed her. Always when I was alone. Usually the visits lasted 3 or 4 minutes.
The day after my mother died, I was sitting at the kitchen table working on some miniatures – doing something to keep me busy, to fill the time. Don was sitting in his chair in the living room.
“What’s that smell?” – this from Don.
I couldn’t smell anything, so I responded, “What smell?”
Don: “Something flowery.”
Me: “I’m painting something, could it be that?”
Don: “No, it smells like flowers.”
I shrugged and continued working for about 5 minutes. Then, as I got up to move to another part of the room, I caught a whiff of the scent. Even then, I didn’t get it for a minute or two. Finally, it hit me.
“You know, I don’t know why I didn’t catch on, but I think that might be Mom.”
Don: “That thought occurred to me, too.”
I guess I didn’t expect anything so soon. That’s why I didn’t get it at first. But it was Mom. She stayed around for a long time.
Don said, “Welcome, Shirley.”
I said, “We always wanted you to see our cottage. We’re so glad you’re here.”
And then I calmly continued work, occasionally talking to her, telling her I loved her, thanking her for being my mom.
She stayed for at least an hour.
And this time, she appeared to both of us.
I’m so grateful for that. On hard days, and there are many, I have to remind myself of that visit.
I really miss her.
For all of you who are mothers, a happy day to you. For those of us who never had children, but who mother students or neighbors or pets or those in need – we also need to be celebrated on this Mother’s Day. To those who are estranged from daughters or sons or mothers, I wish for you the healing and repair of your relationships.
To all of you who have lost your mother, I know how you feel and I’m wrapping my arms around you. It’s a club I never wanted to join. Nevertheless, I’m now a member.
Happy Mother’s Day to you Claudia. Yes the “club” is a difficult one that is for sure, but our load is lightened a bit by wonderful memories and the knowledge that we are who we are because of the wonderful qualities of our moms. May the day be made easier for you by the loving presence of your husband and constant presence of Scout. Take time to connect today with the others who are also missing her. Much Love. Cindy
Much love to you, Cindy.
Beautiful. No other words come to me except that.
Happy Mother’s Day to you Claudia.
Blessings,
Betsy
Happy Mother’s Day, Betsy.
Claudia, This is beautifully written. Thank-you and I wish for you a great day. Doris
I hope your day is absolutely lovely, Doris.
Claudia, I know this is a rough day for you. May the comfort of knowing your Mom is forever watching over you and that her love is ever present in your home, bring a smile to your face.
Thank you so much, Mandy.
Claudia,
I still miss my dad and he has been gone 15 years. I actually would see him when he was first gone. I do think they stay around for a bit, just to make sure we are okay. I talk to him all of the time and tell him good night every night. Just keep her in your heart and always let her know you love her still. Have a wonderful day.
Hugs from me to you,
Deb
Thank you, Deb.
Oh Claudia, I am so glad she visited you both. My Dad sometimes visits me, I don’t tel many but I know it’s him, I feel him. Wishing you a Peaceful day as you enjoy memories of your Mom and celebrate being a great Mother yourself to your wonderful Scout. I am blessed this year to have this time with my Mother and I appreciate it so much.
Extra hugs,
Linda
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Linda.
I am sorry for you loss, Claudia. Mother’s Day is hard for many people, and now it is for you too. I imagine at this point your memories increase the pain but hopefully in time the memories will sustain you. Her visits to you are wonderful. Thanks for sharing. Hold tight to the wonder and beauty of those. My sorrow is of a different nature, a mother who did not mother me. She is 90 and her death will be a relief for me, sad words. But I have had the privilege of mothering three wonderful individuals, and that is where I place my focus on this day.
And that is the perfect place for your focus, Becky. Happy Mother’s Day to you.
my dear claudia…i knew this being your first mother’s day alone would be a rough one on you, and i am so very sorry….just know that “we”, your friends love you, and wish blessings on you today….as for mother’s day..you put it so eloquently…you do not have to “birth” a child to be a “mother”…my own daughter knows that, our twin grandchildren are adopted from birth…every mother’s day, i give something very special in appreciation for the sacrifice she made for us…this year..i made her a quilt…it is the wedding ring pattern, and can be seen on my timeline…i think of it as the unbroken circle of life and of love…so my dear sweet friend…i wish YOU a happy mothers day..i know ALL of you past and future students do too….go into your memory banks today, and remember the times you shared with your own beloved mother…and remember…she is ALWAYS in your heart of hearts!!!
Thank you so much, Sharon.
p.s…..the special gift i made is for the birth mom who gave us her babies…
How lovely! That’s a beautiful idea, Sharon.
Loving hugs to you on this Mother’s Day, Claudia. As you’ve pointed out mothering is not always the biological relationship – there’s so much more.
Thank you, Lorrie. Happy Mother’s Day to you.
How wonderful you felt your moms presence, Claudia.
Wishing you peace and comfort on this difficult day. Sending lots of love and hugs. xo
Thank you, Sally.
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Claudia. I lost my Mom 37 years ago when I was 18 and still miss her every day. Sending big hugs to you.
Sending hugs to you, as well, Charlene.
{{{ Claudia }}}
Thank you, Cassandra.
Claudia I wish you much love and peace on this tough day. I am blessed to still have my mother, but the feeling you have about Mother’s Day I have about Father’s Day. This is also a very hard day almost 10 years now for my husband as he lost his mother soon after we moved into this house. And today, he lost a dear surrogate mom who helped him cope with the loss of his father when he was 15.
I am not a mother but mothered so many children as a teacher and Aunt. And now we nurture the wildlife mother’s in our garden that are tending their nests and young. I feel blessed to have had so many strong women in my life too. Thank you for your lovely post.
I’m sorry for your husband’s loss on this day, Donna. Happy Mother’s Day to you.
I was doing so well yesterday. Today is so very tough. I miss my Mom. I miss the babies I lost to miscarriage. The way I will cope today is to finally start constructing the dollhouse that has been in a box on my studio floor for months. With each wall that goes up and each surface that is painted or papered I will talk to my Mom. I talk to her every day as if she never left. I am thinking of you today.
Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley
I have been thinking about you today, Susan. I know that the loss of your mother is as new and fresh and painful as mine. I think starting on the dollhouse sounds like the perfect thing to do. xo
Awww Claudia, I’ve got a big ‘ol lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face. I’m glad you and Don had that visit with your mom. I’m sure there are doubters but I’m not one of them. Two years ago (today, in fact) I was admitted to the hospital through the emergency room for a sudden heart related problem. That night, as I laid in a darkened Cardiac Intensive Care room, I heard someone whisper my name. I first thought it was my sister’s voice so I opened my eyes but no one was there. When I closed my eyes again, I heard my named whispered a second time. It was then I realized it was my mom’s voice I was hearing, my mom who had died 7 years before. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind she was there checking on me and letting me know she was aware I was in the hospital.
As a mother myself, I’ve never really gotten into celebrating this holiday of Mother’s Day. I feel like most every day has been Mother’s Day since my daughter was born (32 years ago next month). She’s the greatest gift I have ever received. I need no more than that.
As mom to Scout, Riley, and all the precious pups before them, happy Mother’s Day to you.
That’s a beautiful story, Shari. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Happy Mother’s Day to you.
Oh, Claudia. I am glad I keep tissues close at hand. I miss my mom today the 2nd most of the year, but today I also miss your mom.
My mom doesn’t visit with her scent, but she does when I don’t speak grammatically correct. I get a pat upside the head. I make more mistakes than I care to admit. Sometimes I do it on purpose just to feel her with me. I really stretch it when I say…ain’t. Oh my.
Today is for mothers. It doesn’t seem fair to me that all women can’t celebrate today. I truly believe Hallmark should invent a day to celebrate being a woman.
Celebrate today, Claudia. I love you for who you are. A wonderful woman.
I don’t blame you for doing it on purpose, Trudy! Have a wonderful Mother’s Day, my friend.
So touching, Claudia. Beautifully written.
Gail
Thank you, Gail.
Dear Sweet Claudia – I know this will be a hard day for you but, I can still wish you a Happy Mother’s Day!
Judy
And I can wish you one as well, dear Judy!
Oh my gosh. Shivers ran down my arms as I read your story. How lovely to get a visit from your mom.
Tana
Thank you, Tana.
How lucky you were, Claudia. I’d give just about anything to have the same experience. I still talk to my parents all the time but I’ve never sensed them nearby or in the house. I tell myself they’re having too much fun doing whatever they’re doing “elsewhere.” PS – your mom must have loved Don a lot too – to have shared her visit with him as well. Give Scoutie a big momma’s hug and be good ti yourself today. :>)
She adored Don. When I was away from home on a coaching job, she would call him just to chat. I think she liked having him all to herself during those calls.
Happy Mother’s Day to you too Claudia! I lost my MIL 7 years ago…and miss her everyday. She was as much a friend and mother, as my own mother is….and I miss her dearly. How wonderful that your mother appeared…and to both you and Don. Enjoy your day. Hugs ;)
It was a huge blessing, Donna. Have a wonderful day.
I love that photo of your parents..they look so relaxed and happy and natural..I am so glad to hear that she came for a visit..I had a strong feeling she would but I didn’t imagine that Don would be there too..How wonderful is that!..My Mom still visits after 30 years..mostly in dreams she asks me about my niece that she raised..sometimes we go places together..this all started shortly after she died..at first I would wake up frightened because it was so real..now it is just normal to me..Have as good a day as possible..I hope you are enjoying the same great weather we are today..80 degrees and partly sunny..Think I will go out in the garden..Hugs
I love that you still have that connection to your Mom, Nancy, and that she still visits you.
It’s a beautiful day today here, too.
You have so many people that you, that are able to articulate their feelings so beautifully. I am not one of them. That’s why I rarely post. I am so glad that your mom came to visit. Another treasure from her. I think she was telling you that she loves you more than is possible for you to know and that she is happy. I have to go for tissues..
Happy Mother’s Day
jane in tx
I’s say you articulated that quite beautifully, Jane. Thank you. Happy Mother’s Day to you, too.
As the week has built up to this day…I’ve thought of you often.
All the “firsts” that you experience until the anniversary of your mother’s passing will be marked by the words…’before Momma died” and “After Momma Died” — it will be that place on your own time line a ‘help’ so to speak to remember the days. I learned that early on after my own mother passed. I learned to embrace that little “mark” — because of every Living Day YOU HAD WITH YOUR MOMMA, you will miss her, but you will cherish them now. It is a bitter sweet thing, isn’t it?
Wishing you many blessings today.
Wishing you a smile., An Embrace…and gentle presence on Mother’s Day, Claudia.
Happy Mother’s Day to you. -Pat
Yes, it will be a year of firsts. And it is a bittersweet thing indeed, Pat. Happy Mother’s Day to you, too.
Claudia
I don’t get your blog anymore via e mail. I tried and it said I am already signed up.
This sis such a difficult day. I touched the side of my mom’s hand the day before she died. I told her I loved her. Her hand was so weak. It was like a teardrop.
I miss her so much. I have her in my heart forever, as you do your mom.
Bless you,
Sheree xxxooo
Sheree, can you subscribe under a different email address? I know it’s going to those who have AOL and Gmail addresses because the changes I made work on those two carriers as well as some others. Otherwise, subscribe via Bloglovin’ or bookmark this site on your browser. You know I’ll have a new post up every day.
I’m sorry this day is painful for you as well. It’s so hard to lose our mothers. Thinking of you. Happy Mother’s Day, Sheree.
Huh. I’ve never thought of myself as a mother. But you’re right, being a dog-parent is definitely mothering. Thank you.
It surely is, Leanne.
I’ve been thinking of you and this day from the time you told us your mother had died. I knew it would be hard. Sending love from me to you.
My father has been gone since 1986, and I can still barely do Father’s Day. I have to focus only on my husband and my son because it hurts too much to speak of him on that day.
Thank you, Beverly. I know you understand.
I’m sorry for your sadness today, Claudia but I’m glad to hear your Mom came back to visit. My Dad did that too. He came to Mom the night he died and he came to me a little bit later when I had surgery. It’s so comforting. J
Very comforting. It helps enormously, Julie.
Thank you for your post, Claudia, it was beautiful! This is the 2nd Mother’s Day without my Mom and it was just 4 days ago that we buried my dear Mother-in-law. I am always thankful for the wonderful parents I had and miss them everyday. Yes, I talk to my Mom all the time and I know she hears me. Happy Mother’s Day to you and wish the best for you, Don and your “furry” child!
I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom and mother-in-law. It’s so hard, isn’t it? Happy Mother’s Day to you, Dorothy.
Dear Claudia, You were on my mind today as soon as I got up. I sat in my glider on my deck and sent
loving thoughts your way, knowing how difficult today could be. My dad has been gone almost four years
now, and occasionally visits me with the scent of his anise candy bears which he loved. Since I hate hate hate
the smell of licorice and have it nowhere in my house, I always know it’s him! It’s a thin veil to the next world.
xxoo, Martha
Hugs to you too Claudia! Since my mother passed 17 years ago this holiday has been difficult for me. Though I’m not a mom I’ve been remembered by some of the kids I’ve kept and their moms. It really touches me. My mom has never come to visit me but my next door neighbor Sarah , a dear friend thought nothing like mother in looks shares so many of mother’s mannerisms it’s almost uncanny and has even been commented on by my cousin. I love that your mom visits and hope those visits continue.
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Claudia!! Hugs on this hard day. I know all too well about this club whose members share this loss…. I am so glad you are cherishing your “visits” from mom!. She’ll always be around… but just not in the way you had wished… Just keep going forward and spreading your love on your family, Don, your sister and her family, and of course, Scoutie!! I know this is a hard one for you… Francine L.
This certainly isn’t a fun club to which we belong. I remember you writing of your mom’s visits previously, and I did so want to ask if you had experienced any visits since she passed. I was so glad you shared this with us today. I am an absolute believer. My mom passed away 10 years ago this week, on the 15th. One of the earliest things I did was to calculate and was so “glad” that the 15th would never fall on a Mother’s Day. I hope you spent some good quality time w/ Ms. Scout as I am sure she needs her Mom-time, too.
It is now late in the day, so you know that you have this “first” under your belt. Take care and I hope you have a good week ahead. One day at a time is all we truly can do.
Thank you, Chris.
So happy Claudia that you and Don had that visit. I have never had one from my father but I have had a couple of these experiences with others I have lost. I knew it would be a hard day for you. We lost our fathers 2 months apart. The first Fathers Day it hit me that we didn’t have fathers anymore. That same year on my fathers birthday I was holding my grandson that had been named after him. Suddenly it dawned on me that it was my fathers. I started to cry and sob.
It is so wonderful to have someone else experience this at the same time.
That happened once with me and another teacher. It was little boy. We don’t know who he was but we both saw him.
This Mothers Day has been hard for me. Everyone talking about their memories of their mothers that have passed or those with wonderful mothers still here. I have my mother. I have tried so hard to think of a good memory to erase all the mean things that she has said or when she wasn’t there for me. It’s so sad that I can’t think of any. So cherish those memories and the visits.
Hugs
I’m glad you have happy memories of your father, Debby, but sad that the same isn’t true for your mother. Take care, my friend.
Beautiful Claudia, and I know painful to write. Even though it still is hard, that year of “firsts” is a particular thing unto itself. Very difficult. I love that your mom came to visit and that Don was able to welcome her as well.
Much love and tight hugs. I’m so sorry you are now in “the club” that many of us belong to.
Love to you
Thank you, Marilyn.
Bless you Claudia!
How wonderful that your Mother visited and that you KNOW and BELIEVE that she was there!!
so many people are not open and aware of our love ones who have past, that are still with us!!
The hurt in your heart is the love for you Mom!!
God Bless you and never doubt what you hear, smell, see and feel!!
Oh, she was there, Suzan!
Dear Claudia,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I’m glad that your mother made an appearance on Mother’s Day….how very special indeed. My parents are getting on in years and my Dad is now debilitated due to Parkinson’s and Dementia. He and Mum still live in their own place but Dad’s health is on a decline and he needs constant care and attention. Although inevitable, I dread the day we lose him.
Thinking of you,
Serena xo
It’s very hard to see our parents age and get more fragile, Serena.
Yes, I thank God I still have my mother. She’s “only” 73 years old and we have longevity on that side of the family (HER father just passed away last year at the age of 97 – and that was because of an accident!), so I hope she’s around for a long time still. But having lost a child, Mother’s Day is also quite hard for me. Just this morning, I opened a drawer in my bedroom and immediately my eyes fell on a necklace that Phil had given me one Mother’s Day. It’s a delicate white gold chain with a tiny “M” hanging from it. When he gave it to me he said, “The M can be for Melanie or for Mom.” *sob*
I know it must be very hard for you on Mother’s Day, Melanie. Sending you a big hug, my friend.
Hello Claudia, first time on your websited found you through susan branch web site. first off long story short I found out Friday my mother had passed. this weekend was very difficult, I felt so sad and sick. I was unable to say my peace before she left this world and I’m so sorry for that. I will be sorry till the end. I was raised to believe in a lot that we can not see and hearing about your mom visiting you, I do believe it to be so. I said out loud that I was so sorry to my mom., hope she heard me and forgives me and will leave something that lets me know that she loves me. So sorry just wanted to say I was very sorry for your loss.
Best wishes Caroline Delao
Claudia,, I too lost my mom on April 25th. She had a long bout with Alzheimer’s and just quit eating. Your story is just so close to mine. My mom loved Lady Stetson and I can still smell it today. Mother’s Day was so hard. I’ve missed a good conversation with her for years, but to know that I couldn’t talk to her or hear her voice hurts. I enjoy your blog and your insightful ness. I too am now in a club that I wasn’t ready to join. Thanks for sharing your story.