I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
Recently, Don brought up Janis Ian. He had been listening to her music and following her page on Facebook. I was immediately plunged back into the time when At Seventeen came out. Suddenly, all the lyrics came back to me, and I could hear the sound of her voice singing the words that most every teenager can identify with to some degree.
Besides the fact that it was a very well-crafted song with a soft and insistent bossa-nova rhythm, At Seventeen touched the hearts of all of us who felt different as teenagers. Ian was twenty-two when she wrote it. Written from the perspective of an adult, Ian’s lyrics cut right to the bone. Being a teenager is hard, especially when your world is the relatively narrow one that revolves around high school and all the groups that make up that small community. In my day, it was the cheerleaders, the ‘In’ crowd, the loners, the shop and electronic geeks, the music students, the drama students, the athletes, the brainy kids….you get the picture.
What happens if you don’t fit in? What happens if you have acne? What happens if, try as you might, you can’t get a foothold into some sort of group that helps define you? What happens if you’re overweight? What happens if you’re just plain different?
As adults, we are more willing to welcome and celebrate individuality, eccentricity, and those who march to a different drummer. As kids…not so much.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
In a media-driven world that celebrates air-brushed perfection, what happens to those who are not perfect, who don’t have model-type bodies, who have skin that breaks out, who can’t afford the latest styles, who feel unattractive, who never get asked out on a date?
We live in a world where bullying seems to be rampant. A world where it is easy to pick on the underdog, to exploit someone’s tender vulnerabilities, to hurt them by making them feel inferior. It breaks my heart.
To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
I was a late bloomer. When I was in high school, I was active in music and drama. I was one of the brainy kids. But I was very tall, very skinny and I had acne. I was taller than a lot of the boys. Thank goodness I found a niche where I could thrive. But I was never part of the In Crowd, never part of the really cool kids. I was embarrassed by my acne. I felt ugly. I longed for flawless skin. I wasn’t asked out on many dates. I wasn’t athletic and I was one of the last names called when ‘choosing sides for basketball.’ High School was a mixed blessing. But I want to be clear, I had a great time in high school – it just happened to be a time where I wasn’t at all secure in who I was.
It isn’t until you reach adulthood that you gain some perspective on all of that. Your world opens up. Hopefully, you get to experience communities that are different and more expansive than the one you grew up in. Hopefully, you begin to realize that being different can be a good thing. Hopefully, you meet others who celebrate your individuality.
For me, it wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that I accepted myself and felt fully ‘Me.’ I stopped comparing myself to others (though that still creeps in for all of us, doesn’t it?) I felt less awkward physically. I grew into my facial features. I celebrated my strengths. My deep voice, which had been awkward as a kid, was now considered ‘sexy.’ My strong features and tall body, which contributed to being cast as the older characters in high school plays, were now considered attractive.
Who knew? That’s the point, isn’t it? When you’re a teenager, you don’t know. All you can see is the world you live in right now. You can’t imagine a future that might celebrate your quirkiness. You can’t see it.
And no matter what, you still carry all of that with you. Those insecurities from your teenage years can pop into your consciousness without a moment’s notice.
I bought that Janis Ian album when it first came out and played that song over and over. It resonated so strongly with me. It still does. It was the anthem for those who couldn’t see a different possibility, who didn’t fit in, who were bullied, who were struggling to find their way. There was a comfort in hearing those lyrics, a realization that it wasn’t just you who felt that way.
I’ve always made it my business to reach out to young people who are having trouble accepting who they are. In my work as a teacher, especially when I was teaching undergraduates, I was often the faculty member that students came to when they needed to pour their hearts out, to talk to someone who just might understand.
I did. I do.
How I wish the world was a kinder place, less consumed with perfection.
On the other hand, getting through those years and coming out on the other side stronger than ever is freeing. We are all survivors.
Janis Ian singing At Seventeen on YouTube: First, as a young woman and then, more recently. Listen to her introduction on the second video.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, as always.
Yes. That song was an anthem for most teens back then. It is sad but so very true.
Thank goodness for Janis Ian, who gave those teenagers a voice.
Claudia, I remember walking down the hall by myself in 10th grade and one of the two boys behind me commented, “I’ve seen better legs in shop class.” I was a new girl in school and trying to fit in and be invisible at the same time and that feeling of being judged every second was exhausting. How I wish I had the gumption then that I do now, to feel on equal footing with those jerks and let them know exactly what I thought of them…….but you just keep your head down and keep going. Funny how that single comment still resonates with me 50 yrs later!
That kind of comment stays with us. It brings back all those emotions you felt at the time. I often wish I could go back and speak to certain perpetrators with the moxie that I have today!
I do think, whilst those teenage years were difficult for us, it’s even harder for our kids growing up in a world that is even less tolerant of individuality and quirks. I hope that by the time my two small people reach that age I’ve helped them develop enough self confidence to be able to withstand the media onslaught. As I watch my children, aged 5 and 6, start to find their way in the world, I pray that their current levels of self belief can be instilled and maintained until adulthood. I’m not sure it’s possible, but the knowledge that they are wonderful as they are, and loved unconditionally for it, together with the best education they can achieve, are the best possible gifts my husband and I can offer them.
Good for you and your husband for working hard to give your children a strong sense of their self-worth!
I went to a smaller high school my junior and senior year. I was tall, thin and not athletic at all. The gym teacher called me Clyde or Clodhopper which I really hated. I was brainy so they had a hard time finding classes for me to take. The first 9 weeks was hard but I did find my niche with the help of a really great math teacher and a counselor who cared. I did make one really good friend that we still keep in touch and visit in person every couple of years even though she lives several hundred miles away. I do have a lot of good memories of that time.
I, too, found my niche and I am happy I did. I’m still close to several friends from high school.
I think you were around 17 when you were in our wedding. I remember you as being so beautiful. I was always a bit amazed by you. You could get up in front of so many people with so much talent while I had to get my nerve up just to speak up in class. I wish you could have seen yourself through my eyes. Middle school and high school can be rough for so many. Thank goodness for books as I think they were my refuge.
Isn’t that funny? I thought you were beautiful, my sweet cousin. I looked up to you and thought you knew just how to navigate through life. You’re so right, if only we could see ourselves through others’ eyes.
Books have always been my refuge too. Love to you.
Let’s not talk about high school!
Oh, was it that bad, Tana? I’m sorry.
Wow, what an emotional topic. I predict lots of comments on this one.
Part of me sides with Tana (above). “Let sleeping dogs lie.” The trouble is, the unkind words and bad feelings are not really asleep, are they? They’re in screensaver mode, ready to leap back to life at any time.
But look at Eileen’s lovely comments about lovely you! Would you have known how she admired you, had you not opened this Pandora’s Box?
One of the things that I love about your blog, Claudia, is the kindness of your readers’ comments. You have attracted a wonderful group of thoughtful people to your little corner of the Interwebs.
xo
Love that phrase, ‘screensaver mode’ – perfect.
Eileen is my much adored cousin, three years older than me and as adorable as they come.
You’re so right, I have the best readers – such lovely, thoughtful people. I am blessed.
I guess I was a lot like you in high school, Claudia, except for the very tall/very skinny part. I was the exact opposite, shortish and round. But nearly 40 years later, I’m glad I wasn’t part of the cheerleader-Homecoming Queen-class President clique back then. It’s been my experience that for many of the kids that were in that category, high school was Pretty Much It for them. Their “peak” moments, their time in the spotlight. I’m glad my best moments weren’t in high school. It would have been wasted on me for one thing. I would have been too young and immature to have appreciated it. If I had to do it all again, I’d do it exactly the same way.
I feel the same way. I’m glad I was a late bloomer. My life has been very interesting and I have been blessed by many wonderful opportunities.
I have known people that seemingly had their best times in high school. That makes me sad.
When I saw the title of your post, without yet reading a word, I was humming the song!! I was kind of surprised when I realized it WAS “the song” about which you were writing! It was an anthem for many of us, that is for sure.
As hard as those years were personally for many of us, the 60’s had a sort of inclusive vibe that ran through the times. I do feel so sorry for the kids of that age now ~ with the social media influence which brings such horrific bullying by the faceless and nameless. I think that we knew who to avoid during our daily life “back in the day”. We actually COULD “desperately remain at home” which was a relatively safe place for most of us. Today it comes hurling at the kids right IN their homes in the form of posts which can escalate to such very scary face-to-face reality.
“And the times, they are a-changing.”
I think it is much harder for kids now. There is nowhere to retreat, social media is everywhere, it must be terribly difficult.
My sense is that school is harder from a social aspect today than it was in the 50’s and 60’s. I don’t remember bullying…and I never knew anyone who was bullied. I enjoyed high school…I might be in the minority here. But I wasn’t one of the cool-kids….I was an accepted kid. I was slightly overweight, had braces for most of high school…and curly hair that I hated…and still haven’t fully embraced. I was shy and introverted…so I joined the school choir…and a group of “32”…(our name), that sang around the community. A bold move for an introvert….somehow I just plunged in! There were a lot of great times with that group. Somehow the friendships that I made during that time got me through….we relied on each other constantly….as a result my memories are great! ;)
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I had a great time, for the most part, in high school. I was very active, I had a lot of friends, I learned about acting and theater, I sang in choir and vocal ensemble. I had a much easier time of it than my sisters did. But that doesn’t mean that there weren’t things that troubled me, personal things that were hard to cope with as young teenager.
I remain close to a lot of friends from those years.
I’m glad…I guess I had misunderstood your meaning. I just got done listening to the song….very poignant!;)
I think it touches everyone because everyone has had a time when they have felt insecure or have compared themselves to others and found themselves lacking. Even the ‘cool’ kids.
You know…it’s too bad we don’t get that, (what you just said), until we are much older. ;)
You lucky girl! I’d trade my stick-straight hair for your curls any day. Although I’ve finally accepted it and just thankful that I have hair!
jane-in-tx
I saw the title of your post and knew immediately what came next. Loved Janis Ian.
I bet that melody is going through your head right now!
I haven’t read the comments so I’d be “clear-headed” to post my own experiences. This post struck me right upside the head.
Having been a military brat I was never in the same school for longer than a year or two. I was shy and didn’t make friends easily because of that—always being jerked out of school in the middle of a year and plopped down in another state in the middle of a school year and being introduced to kids who most likely had grown up together and certainly knew each other.
I didn’t have to overcome being tall as you did. But our daughter is almost 6′ tall and that never, ever bothered her. [As an aside, we have a couple in our ward who look like they would never belong together. She’s very tall and thin and beautiful. He looks like a sweet little gnome at about 4’11”, maybe 5′ and dark; she’s blonde and lovely. They gave a talk in sacrament when they first arrived and they are hugely funny. She said she’d never have believed this would be her choice for a hubby. I think they’re on their 5th pregnancy now. Delightful and funny couple.]
I went through the acne part in my late teens into my twenties, much to my chagrin. I never ever considered myself gorgeous or beautiful. UNTIL my twenties, thirties and especially forties. I shined in my forties. The insecurities diminished if not completely gone as well as I can remember. But my forties were fabulous, fifties great, sixties great and now in my seventies and still great if you read further and see what I’m talking about.
I also was the last to get chosen for a sport in high school. I was thin, just not into athletics. To this day I dislike sports. I was never good at them and didn’t want to be. I can’t even remember what I wanted to be in my later teens. I did know I wanted to be a mom and especially a grandmother. Even young I knew I wanted grandchildren. When our granddaughter told us she was pregnant I felt so excited inside I’m sure I kept the smile on my face for days. I have never ever been as excited as when my kids and grand kids and great grandchildren were born. I think hubby felt the same. I love them all immensely.
Anyway, I made it through those awkward years being a bit teased in my senior year by a young woman who was very pretty…on the outside, but a horrible mocking person on the inside. Why is it those memories dim less than the good ones over the years, but are still haunting? I suppose if I saw her today she’d be an ugly old crone. ;-) We can imagine I suppose. I’ve never ever attended or had the desire to attend a school reunion. I have friends who feel the same.
Not to be immodest but I shined in my later years. Recently on a trip to WalMart I showered, put on make up, dressed and went off to grocery shop. I truly felt pretty that day. Getting in line to pay for my purchases, a man, very GQ-looking and VERY handsome, was unloading his groceries and looked up quickly and down and then back up at me and smiled. I felt so wonderful that day that I floated out of the store. I wanted to tell that hunk that he made an old great grandmother’s day and he DID!! I felt beautiful that day more than any other day I’d had for a long time. Oh, I get glances a lot but I am NOT gorgeous or beautiful, but I groom well and think of myself as beautiful, because that is how God sees me and God “don’t make no ugly things.” I believe if we have a positive self-image of ourselves we’ll be pretty by just projecting it. Some beautiful women are so insecure inside they don’t look pretty. Plus some are just so oblivious to it they don’t even see it, as in our granddaughter.
She is stunning. When I am with her shopping other mothers have come up to me at the clothing changing rooms and told me how pretty my “daughter” is. It stuns me, (TRULY!) and I thank them but tell them it’s my granddaughter, not my daughter. When we walk down the halls of Microsoft, where she is a computer scientist, all the men look at her. She is totally oblivious to it all. Even my hubby, her grandfather, can see the looks she gets and is amazed. But I can assure you she is oblivious. She has 2 girls and considers herself a mom. I wish I had her self-confidence and humility. Her kids and hubby are her life. She has no problem with self-esteem. I don’t think she even thought about it when she was a gangly school student.
So, I believe we have to at least think of ourselves as pretty and someday we’ll get there. I’m happy with the way I look today….okay, okay, I could lose some weight. ;-) But if you project prettiness, it reflects back as pretty. That also applies to kindness. And, if I could give one huge piece of advice it would be this: Stop looking to Hollywood for beauty and stop looking at the magazines for beauty tips. As one photographer had said, “The woman in the ads doesn’t exist; they are all photoshopped so much that they never ARE those photographs.” Under all that makeup there are bad skin, wrinkles and sometimes not-so-pretty behavior.
I have a dermatologist that has a laser for women who want to undergo a certain change. I told him, while taking out a cancer near my right ear and just yesterday another one on my left arm, that I prefer aging gracefully. [All those years in Mexico can do NO good for skin, trust me.] No cosmetic procedures. He’s a religious man as I am a religious woman. He’s a doll also. I told him he needed some cream on his face as he was getting some wrinkles under his eyes. He’s no older than mid-forties and very young looking. He said he’d just run the laser over it a few times. He only needed a moisturizer, which he preaches to me! I turned to him and said, “I’d prefer to save the money and age gracefully and not have it all fall at one time.” Besides, at my age, seventies, why waste the money.
Each of us has to face this dilemma at some point. Do we believe others or look at ourselves as something worthy of note? I’ve done that and am happy with how I look and I am nowhere near what the world considers beauty. I’m now off to shower and lunch with a young friend. And I’ll bet I’ll get at least a glance from one guy today. If so, my day will be great. If not, I’ll wait till hubby gets home tonight and tells me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and he assures me he doesn’t lie. Gotta love a man like that!
xoxo,
Connie
Wise words, my friend. What we feel about ourselves inside is projected outside. And bless Don, he tells me I’m beautiful every day! Late bloomers, unite!
I’ve always loved that song, thank you for bringing it back to me. Off to Facebook to check out her page!
It’s a great song, Lori.
Love that song and it is so true! I was one of the ‘in-between’ kids in High School. Not popular like the cheerleaders, but with enough friends and dates that I was OK. Still lacked confidence but that did come later in life. What this really reminds me of is my oldest child. During high school she had horrible acne and was awkward and shy and smart and finally begged me to leave school and get her GED and go to college. Life still was hard for several more years until my then son realized he was really girl. Yes my oldest is transgendered and it has been a rough road. Now she is happy and fulfilled and I am the luckiest Mom in the world. I didn’t loose her to suicide and I was also her biggest advocate as she transitioned. It has given us a closeness that I treasure. So this song has lots of meaning to me.
Bless you for understanding and helping your child. How difficult it must have been in the years before she was able to claim who she really was.
I have a good friend who has just been through this with one of his children. I applaud everyone who makes the effort to understand their child in need and to support and help them. xoxo
I truly can’t understand anyone who would turn their backs on their children. I love my babies no matter what. My daughter is a beautiful person and now happy as the person she was always meant to be. I have supported her from day one and always will.
I had my difficult years in 6, 7, and 8th grades I was a year younger than everyone else, but had physically matured early. That started in 4th grade. So while the rest of the were still buying t-shirts for school I was learning how to bra shop. Plus, being a small private school didn’t help.
I also had very different opinions than those in my grades at school. I was protesting a war while in 7th grade that most of them didn’t even know or care about.
While I listened to Jimi Hendrix they listened to The Archies. Which really is just a matter of taste, but mine was so different.
By the time 9th grade and a new school came I knew who I was. I was outspoken about my opinions, and had a don’t mess with me attitude. I got that because of all the teasing in grade school . I built a protective shell around myself that even today people have a difficult time breaking through.
I was not part of the jock crowd, the brains, or the nerds. I was part of the crowd that stood across the street on the corner smoking until the very last bell rang. We would then scramble for home room. Today I guess we would be called druggies.
I helped organize a protest at school that helped to change the dress code. I skipped school to go to the capitol in St.Paul to be in a war protest. One of many. There were a few like me in high school who knew things and understood them, and hated what they represented so I was never really alone.
In ninth grade I had a wonderful English.writing teacher. He showed me a talent that I didn’t know I had. I had/have the ability to write, and not to be afraid of public speaking. His name was Mr. Dixon. After that I took every speech class and writing class I could. Speech was a
place for me to express my opinions where the “audience” was forced to listen.
I can’t say I loved high school, because that would be wrong, but I didn’t hate it. I hated that I felt there were better things to do with my time.
Your story is very moving, Trudy. You found yourself. And thank goodness for those teachers who reach out to us and help us discover our self-worth!
Those high school years are tough, aren’t they Claudia.? I love reading this post, however it took me right back to a time that wasn’t always pleasant for me. My parents had just moved from a large city where I had found a little niche, to this tiny town I now live in where I was related to many of the families, although I didn’t know them. It took a long time to fit in, but probably because I had always been a shy kid. A lot found me offish because of it, but after awhile I was able to hang out with those who were my cousins and somehow make it through the last couple of years of high school. I worried for my children going to the same small high school their mother did. Luckily they never knew anything different so I think it was easier for them because it’s the only town and school they knew.
Gosh I just realized I am talking to you like I would a therapist ! Thanks for this wonderful read today, I loved it!
hugs from here…
Thanks for sharing your story, June. It’s different for everyone, but hopefully, we come through it stronger than ever.
Well done my sister. I think you were the one that helped me through all that awkwardness, you were tall and beautiful, so I could be tall and beautiful too. Plus you exposed me to many different types of people. I appreciate that. By the way I am still finding my voice and finding my peace with who I am.
Hugs,
Meredith
I might be too, maybe just a little. xo
Claudia-
I’ve never heard this song. I’d like to think I have a pretty well rounded musical experience, as I like and have listened to lots of different genre… It was knew to me. I listened to both versions. Thank you for sharing them.
I was that awkward 17 year old. I had lived so much already (won’t go into it here). At 17 I knew what many of my school mates did not. I didn’t much care for high school and ‘playing the game’; to me it wasn’t about learning –so I quit. I went back during the second semester, only to be told no matter how hard I tried they weren’t going to let me walk across the stage. So guess what … I dropped out and never looked back.
I can relate to the message in this song; I would never ever say ‘high school was the greatest time of my life’ –though, I know people that say that. If that is all they have …well, I think that is sad too.
as always, I enjoy reading here, both your words and the commentaries that follow!
Pat
I know of people who say that, too.
I think today’s topic is one that probably most can relate to. Shy, unathletic, bad skin — that was me. I remember my grandmother stressing that you should strive to be beautiful inside because kindness and thoughtfulness would not fade away as would outward beauty. That has stood me in good stead all these years. I can also remember purposely doing poorly on tests because I didn’t like being called a “brain.” Every day I try to encourage my oldest granddaughter to be herself and not be ashamed of being smart. I do agree that kids today have it much tougher than we did. Thank you, Claudia, for such a thought provoking post.
I used to purposely pretend I didn’t know the answers on Jeopardy for the same reason, Dottie. I understand. I’m glad you are helping your oldest granddaughter to be her true self.
I remember this song so well. As all the others I saw many imperfections in myself. When I was about 17 or 18 a friend of my brothers told me that I was wise and mature. It made me feel good. But this song actually made me feel sorry for all the girls ” who had it all”. I felt that I learned myself better because I didn’t gain anything by just being pretty. The song gave me strength. Plus the words my mother and grandmother would tell me when someone said I was pretty. “Pretty is as pretty does”.
Claudia – A very thoughtful post. I’m sure everyone reading this starts singing that song (if they are old enough). I guess I was just really lucky because I loved every minute of high school. My parents didn’t have a lot of money, but I really didn’t realize that until I was grown. They gave us so much love and we felt like we had everything the other kids did. I can remember my Mom staying up late sewing one of us an outfit if we needed one for something special. All four of us girls thought we were as good as anybody else. Funny, how when you look back, you think – we didn’t have the clothes, fancy cars, etc. that some of the others did – but we honestly, didn’t feel like that. I am so thankful that Mom and Dad gave us the things they did – ambition, self esteem, and all of those other qualities that make us all who we are today.
But, I truly loved everyday of school and my teenage years. I feel I was and am today truly blessed.
Judy
Glad to hear your high school years were good ones, Judy!
I’ve always loved this song, though it’s rather haunting. I tried listening to the second video but could barely hear anything. I had my speakers turned all the way up. Hmm. Maybe I’ll try later.
My two nieces are now 15 and 17. Just last week, I had the opportunity to sit with the 15-year old and let her talk her heart out. I sure wouldn’t want to be a teenager again!
I tried to find another recording of that performance, but couldn’t. I listened with my ear buds in.
beautiful song, timeless, thanks for reminding me about it.
You are very welcome, Vicki.
I’ve been trying all day to write something here but it’s just to painful..after 44 years..high school was a nightmare for me..horrible..every day..yes..Janis was so right..
So sorry your high school years were not good ones, Nancy. xo
Great song. I had never heard of it before, but enjoyed it.
It’s a wonderful song, written by an amazing woman.
Don is sooo right—you are beautiful!!—So much beauty inside, that it couldn’t be contained,
had to come out. And your voice!! I wish I could hear it every day. It’s gorgeous! Wish you would do another speaking post.
jane-in-tx
Aw, you’re so kind, Jane.
Ah, the high school years. I wish I knew then what I know now! I didn’t have a BAD high school experience … but I was sooooo insecure! Always afraid to take chances of any kind. I think the words of At Seventeen resonate with most of us.
I agree. You can have a wonderful time in high school, but still be wrestling with insecurities. I think that’s pretty normal!
Hi Claudia. What a lovely post. I just love that song!
Oh, how true, it is worse today. There isn’t any escape. Not only has social media added one more way to taunt a person often the adults don’t act like adults either. There’s constant articles about not being politically correct but I never hear anyone say..you know it’s just not nice! I was never in with the popular crowd. I never wanted to be. I like all kinds of people and I knew if you hang out with the popular group they dictate how you will talk to. Several years after high school one of the popular girls told me she used to look at me and envy me. I was shocked!!! She said she always noticed I laughed a lot and just had fun and didn’t work at trying to be cool. What can I say? I still love quirky people. They just add so much fun to life and I love to laugh.