I arrived back home around 1:00 to find this girl waiting for me. She was sleeping. Frankly, she was having a bad day, poor girl. I spent a lot of time lying beside her on the floor telling her how much I love her. She’s not doing very well at the moment. And I imagine the very cold weather is very hard on her. I’m just grateful there hasn’t been a lot of snow and ice this winter.
We know that we don’t have that much longer with our girl, so we’re treasuring the time we do have.
It’s lovely being home, but it’s strange. As always in this situation, I feel like I’m between two worlds, my life here at home and my life on the road. Not quite here, because I’m only here for about 24 hours, and not quite in Hartford, because it isn’t my permanent home. But since I’m working in Hartford and I have a lot more work to do there, Hartford has the pull at the moment. Don tells me to just enjoy it and he’s right. It’s a gift to be able to just concentrate on doing my work, without the distractions that are always present at home. And by the time my work in Hartford is winding down, I’ll be ready to come home and stay home for a long while.
But Scout is worrying us. And that pull, that worry, weighs on me when I’m in Hartford, as it weighs on Don at home. She was in the den with me yesterday afternoon and she kept raising her head to look at me as if she wanted to make sure I was still here.
And I’m leaving again.
It’s a good time for us but it’s also a very tough time. Add to that my ongoing grief for my father, the moments when I am taken aback by the tears that appear suddenly in my eyes and that I try to hide from everyone when some part of the text in Romeo and Juliet speaks of death, or when I’m driving home, as I was yesterday, and I remember moments in the last hours of my dad’s life, how everything changed so suddenly, when I’m reminded of the look in his eyes as he knew he was dying – in those moments I gasp at how quickly I am overcome with sorrow.
I have to work and I love my work. And, to be perfectly honest, sometimes the distance that living temporarily in Hartford provides is welcome. There is an escape from worry, from grief, from facing the inevitable, as I concentrate on doing my job. Losing myself in my work, in getting to know the actors I am coaching, in attending to the task at hand, is a much appreciated respite.
I’m so grateful that Don is here taking care of Scout, keeping the drips going in the taps as the temperatures go well below freezing, watching over the house, salting the driveway, all the things that need to be done. But especially taking care of our girl.
I am reminded, when I am in Hartford, of my last stay there when Scout was with me. When she was still able to enjoy a walk in the park, when she loved meeting lots of people and dogs, when she magically galloped under the glow of the lamps in the park with a power that astonished me. Lovely and precious memories, though bittersweet. There’s no way I could have her there with me now.
Anyway. It’s lovely being home. It will be lovely to back in Hartford as well. And there you go.
See you back in Hartford.
Happy Monday.
It must be so very hard for you dear Claudia. Sad that Scout was not doing too well whilst you had a brief visit home, but I know she loved seeing you there. Don must not like having you away at this time, especially during the bitter cold days we’re currently experiencing. Thankfully he’s there to ‘keep the home fires burning’ and you can rest assured your lovely cottage is safe from the elements.
Take care – it’s good that you are enjoying this time in the city – glad Hartford didn’t get as much snow as NYC and other places – be careful driving and walking.
Hugs – Mary
Thank you, Mary. It’s a very hard time, as well as a rewarding time, in terms of my work. Sigh. xo
Scout is feeling the love you give her. Take care.
Thank you, Doris.
Words fail me….your lovely Scout….Give her many hugs and kisses.
I will, Cindy.
I’m glad you were able to make it home for a visit.
Scout is a beautiful girl. Doggies reach a part of our hearts that no one else can.
Their souls touch ours as well. It’s amazing how in tune we become with them.
She knows you love her no matter where you are physically.
I hope you make it safely back to CT. And just know that Scout is safe at home with her daddy.
You are fortunate to have a job that you enjoy. That makes life much easier.
Take care and stay warm.
Monica
Thank you so much, Monica.
Claudia, what do you actually do? What do you mean when you say you, coach the actors?
Sue
xo
I’ll talk about it sometime on the blog or reference a post when I’ve spoken of it before. I don’t have the time or the energy today, Sue. But I’ll find that post and reference it this week.
Your post reflects my life right now, too, caught between two places, feeling the tug of both, memories that are bittersweet, worries. I’m living in my house and part-time at my parents, as I help my Mom run errands and keep her company. She’s at the assisted living facility daily to be with my Dad, 7-8 hours a day. She barely has time at home to catch up; I do the grunt work for her so she has all the time for my Dad. Then I’m still grieving for my husband and my kitty, worrying about Dad. It’s emotionally exhausting. The time you have with Scout is precious. I’m glad you were being with her while you are at home. I know the worry will follow you to Hartford. Don’t let it overwhelm you, but don’t push it aside with work. I find sharing worry with trusted friends and family really helps….and I know you feel safe enough with your blog community to trust us with sharing the worry with you. And we will.
Oh, my heart breaks for you, Wendy. I know what you’re going through is difficult. Loss. Potential loss. It’s very, very emotionally exhausting. I hope you know that I’m here for you, as well. Anytime.
So many different emotions! But it sounds like a rich life, for sure.
It is. And I’m grateful for it, Jo.
Great title for this post…you are indeed in between. I can’t begin to imagine the worry you must have with Scout…but she knows she is loved, and that’s most important. Safe travel back to Hartford….so glad you both escaped the brunt of the storm! ;)
Me too. Thank you, Donna. We’re hanging in there. I’m in business-like mode now. Must pack. Must get on the road. Must stop to buy groceries, etc.
I know that feeling of being away for long periods. Now that my Mom is living close by I don’t go to Texas for months at a time any longer. It’s a good thing because Charlie can’t be left with just a pet sitter now. I hate putting him at the Vets but it’s the safest place for him when I have to be away. So now I’m trying not to travel at all. Just enjoy all the sweet moments and love time you can and then immerse yourself in your work. Safe travels back to Hartford.
hugs,
Linda
I know you understand, Linda. Thank you. If Don wasn’t in the picture, I wouldn’t have taken the job.
Enjoy every moment, Claudia. Sweet Scout knows you are there. Many of us have been there and done that much too often over the years and understand all too well what you are experiencing. You are doing all you can and she is safe. Take care, dear friend, know that our thoughts are with all of you. ?
It’s never anything but heartbreaking and painful, Chris. I know you understand.
Awwww, yes, I can see why being at home is lovely but also being away is a welcome respite….I’m sure she LOVED seeing you again even if it was for only 24 hours. Hang in there.
Thank you, Mamey. I’m doing my best to hang in there!
A lot of us know what you and Don are going through, no advise just hug her while you can.
I will, Mary. Thank you.
Precious Scout. How I wish all animals could be so loved and cherished. I know you wish that, too, Claudia.
I do, Nancy.
What a bittersweet time for you both. My heart and prayers go out to you for strength, and comfort and peace knowing that you are doing everything that can be done for Scout and she is peaceful in her place with you and Don.
She is. I hate to see her decline.
I know it is so hard to see Scout like that. But, Scout will always know how loved and special she is to you and Don. Glad you had some time at home,
Judy
She is the light of our life, Judy.
My heart goes out to you and Don, Claudia, that Scout is not doing well. I am sure your heart must be very torn wanting to be there at home, but needing to be away at work. Work does help to get our minds on other things, but none the less, reality is hard. Take care.
It’s very hard. I just hope she starts having some good days.
I can feel your love for dear Scout. I hope you will soon have time to just BE with her and enjoy her to the fullest. They are such precious little beings and when they are down so are we. I’m sending you and Don a big hug and an even bigger one for Scout. Deb
Thank you, Deb.
I have absolutely no words that could convey my thoughts and care for you today Claudia. Life. Sometimes it’s grand. Sometimes it stinks. And sometimes it’s both at the same time. I’m praying for you.
Blessings,
Betsy
Thank you, Betsy.
Poor Claudia – you really are being walloped with a lot right now. No kidding. Maybe it might help to think of all you’ve already given, and continue to give, to Scout that so many other animals NEVER receive. She’s had her wonderful home with you and Don and Riley. Being warm and loved and cared for and/or worried about every minute of the day. If she could speak to you right now, I just know she’d say “Thanks to you, I’ve had the very BEST time ever…” ?
And I’d say the same thing to her, Janet.
What a beautiful post on life and love, good memories and some sadness all wrapped up in one person, yet still enjoying life all around you. Such an inspiration. Thank you, Claudia.
You’re very welcome, Brooke.
This post was so beautifully written. I could really feel all your emotions in this one. It’s so hard to see our beloved fur babies decline. My Zippo is almost 17 and so far he’s doing well, but he’s a bit senile. Sometimes when I hold him I think that I won’t have much more time with him and it makes me so sad. But then I realize that I’ve had all these years with him (we found him as a stray when he was about 3 months old) and he has had a wonderful life with so much love. And I’m certain animals know and feel that. Scout knows how much you and Don love her. {{hugs}}
Thank you, Melanie. I really hope she knows how much we love her. She is our dear girl.
Lovely posting. Hang in there sweetie!
Tana
Thank you, Tana.
My heart is aching for you as regards Scout. It’s the signs, isn’t it. Especially when you’ve been through it before with other elderly dogs. I, too, have spent many an hour on the floor.
I’m so sorry you have to have so much on your mind. It would be nice to be able to be in Hartford without the other stuff preying on the brain but, like the Stones’ song says, we can’t always get what we want.
I also know what it is to be home alone with the dog when my spouse is gone and having the sole responsibility when things aren’t good with the dog. My husband seems to always be working out of town, gone on extended work, it’s after hours with the vet, trying to figure out what to do and make my own best decision. And I hate that. I had to also do it with my elderly parents. I much prefer team decisions.
But you can’t help it right now. You need to finish your job in Hartford. Thankfully Scout is with Don and not another caretaker who might be less able to take on the tasks. Well, what am I saying; you probably couldn’t have taken on the work otherwise. I’m glad you didn’t get the brunt of that blizzard, for the two of you, in both places, and also for Scout.
My husband goes in for abdominal surgery tomorrow and I’m on edge. I don’t feel great myself, but I’m the one who has to get him home (it’s same day in, same day out, if we’re lucky although part of me almost wishes they’d keep him for the night just to make sure all goes well in the clinical setting). It’s in another city, we have no choice but to leave our dog for too many hours inside the house and I know her bladder will get to her. I’m waiting on a call from someone who I think can house-sit for the day, which will then better that whole situation and, importantly, be there to help get my anesthesized husband into the house; it was a last-minute, light-bulb moment for me and I’m glad I got it. We tend to not delegate these things, but sometimes you just plain need some help! And I’m grateful for so many things: A great doctor; a great hospital; no rain to drive in on the busy freeway (we’re in the high 70s here); we should be, I hope we’ll be, home before dark. And then, we mend.
As Gilda Radner was quoted as saying, “It’s always something.”
I’m feeling weepy about Scout. But I guess I’m feeling weepy in general because I’m worried about too many things right now. Sending you and Don my best and most hopeful thoughts as you get thru these next weeks separated from each other. Thank God you could get home these couple of days. I’d figured you’d get stuck in Hartford. The photos of the blizzard on the web are really quite astonishing; I don’t know how people live in it/through it although part of me thinks it’s kind of exciting. I just don’t know much about snow at all.
Bye for now…
Thank you for your kind words, Vicki. I’ll be thinking and praying for your husband today. And for you, as well. Take care, my friend. I hope you found someone to stay at your home while you’re with your husband. xoxo
I don’t know if you’ll get this because it’s a few posts back but I’m trying to catch up. I’m glad the vet weighed in on Scout. You needed some reassurance. It’s hard.
OMG, things around here have been nuts. Brought my husband home from surgery but he wasn’t in great shape and I discussed it at length when he was in Recovery but, you know, it’s HMO and they let him go when I felt he should have been admitted and spend the night in the hospital instead (they try to deemphasize when, you know, I know my husband and he knows himself and we knew he was just ‘not right’). As I feared, things just got worse at home, I was on the phone with the surgeon at 10:30pm and my husband was then rushed to the hospital by ambulance (I rode shotgun) and, long and short of it, he was finally in a regular room, out of the ER (but not in ICU) by 3am today (this is a super-busy, larger hospital in another city; ER jam-packed; so many very sick people). I spent the night by his bedside in a hard chair, watched the sun come up and finally came home at 10am and fell into bed (I figure I maybe had two hours of sleep in 48 hrs which is bad for anyone’s health but I’m old[er] now, so it’s even trickier). They’ve decided to keep him another night. (So much for ‘routine,’ same-day surgery!) I’ve got someone keeping the home fires burning so that house and pets aren’t unattended. I hope he can come home tomorrow and then it looks like a long six weeks ahead. Such a lovely way to start out 2016 (can you hear my dripping sarcasm) but, especially after spending so many hours in the ER, I am again reminded how much people are struggling with (and suffering from) out there, in all walks (and stages) of life.
Thanks for the nice thoughts when you’ve got your own ‘stuff’ to deal with; by the way, your sunset over the capitol building was stunning and a big hooray to you and all of the collectors for ‘saving’ Roseville so it can still be a part of our lives. You have recently scored some amazing pieces!
Oh goodness, Vicki! I’m so sorry your husband had complications. They really rush people on out of the hospital too quickly! It’s all about money of course, but look what happened. It’s a shame you both had to go through all of that, when staying there would have made things so much easier and certainly less stressful. Sending you a big hug and get well wishes for your husband.
Claudia, I am sitting here stunned, shell-shocked even. I was reading along about Scout and learned about your father! I am at a true loss for words. All I can say is you have my deepest sympathy and an apology for its lateness. I am so, so sorry. This is too much to comprehend, and you must be reeling with two such significant losses. My heart aches for you.
Sending much love across the miles…
xo
Sheila