This is a bit of a rant, so bear with me.
The other day a friend sent me a link to a couple of blog posts that I found deeply troubling. The blogs and bloggers shall remain nameless. Since I’m talking about blogging etiquette here, linking to them or naming names would be bad manners on my part.
One blogger wrote disparagingly about a woman who was sitting nearby in a public space. A certain aspect of her appearance apparently didn’t meet with the blogger’s approval. Not only did she write about this woman in a negative way based on something purely superficial, her readers joined in. The comment section was full of mean-spirited comments and the written equivalent of laughter about the other woman and the way she looked – a woman, by the way, that none of the commenters had actually seen. Only one commenter had the guts to call them on this bitchy, hurtful behavior. We used to call it ‘picking on’ someone. It’s also called bullying. Whatever you call it, it’s despicable. They were picking on someone who didn’t even know she was being written about – who didn’t have the chance to respond or fight back.
The other blogger published a photo of herself with a very heavy set person (facing away from the camera) prominently in the background. She invited her readers to give the post a caption. For the moment, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume her intention was for the title to be about the part of the photo she herself was in. Anyway, her readers did supply titles. Not very nice ones. Most of them – not all – were pertaining to the innocent person in the background of the photo who didn’t even know her picture was being taken. As to my ‘benefit of the doubt’ – the blogger didn’t elect to delete the comments. Or even address them. And I assume she cropped, or didn’t crop, the photo. It’s getting harder and harder to make that ‘benefit of the doubt’ stick, isn’t it? Making fun of someone who can’t fight back is all too easy. It takes no skill, no wit, and certainly no strength of character.
Both bloggers are younger, probably in their early thirties, and are “mommy bloggers.” A different generation than me. Both have children. I can’t help but wonder how they would address this kind of behavior if it was directed against their children? Would they say it’s wrong? Would they be spitting mad if anyone bullied or picked on their children? They would have every right to be. Or, on the other hand, will their children emulate their mothers? After all, parents are role models, aren’t they? What kind of example is being set here?
Do they not realize that what they are doing is wrong? That tearing someone else down to build yourself up is the worst kind of behavior? That there is no excuse for it whatsoever? And all this is being done publicly, on the internet, where anyone can see it, including the innocent victims.
I’ve said this before on this blog: the blogging world is just like the real world. It reminds me of both the good and bad parts of high school. There are kind, funny, talented, generous, compassionate and genuinely good bloggers out there. There are cliques. There is a sort of ‘in crowd.’ There are popularity contests. And apparently there are mean girls (and mean boys, I suppose) who trash those who are ‘different,’ who march to the beat of a different drum, who dare to look and dress in a style that doesn’t meet with their approval, or whose body weight doesn’t conform to their standards.
It’s so disappointing. And, to be honest, it makes me very angry. Even as a kid, I didn’t tolerate that kind of behavior. Thanks to my parents, I knew it was wrong. You would think that as adults, we would be able to leave the need for that kind of petty, pathetic aggression behind. I guess we can use our blogs in any way we choose, but to use a blog as a vehicle to make fun of someone you don’t even know and have never really talked to, simply because you’re bored and want to trash some innocent bystander – well, to my mind, that is beneath contempt. And sadly, it brings out a sort of mob mentality in those who comment.
I expect more from women. We should raise each other up. We should show compassion. We should cheer each other on. And we should show, by our behavior, by the words we choose to write, that bullying of any kind is unacceptable.
I realize I’m preaching to the choir here. Thankfully, my readers and the bloggers I visit are simply not like that.
We all say and do things we regret. But the beauty of writing a blog is that we have the chance to think and edit before we hit ‘publish.’
I love blogging. I guess my love for this medium makes the misuse of it even more shocking to me. And the sad fact that no one stood up for these unknown women, save one person, is very troubling. Maybe I’m naive to expect more of grown women. But I do. They should be deeply ashamed.
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Claudia – so very well said. Thank you for saying it.
I am 13 years old. I agree.
Yep, it’s despicable. Grown women should know better but I guess the number of years under one’s belt doesn’t always match up with common sense and sensibility. And it’s also actually really really sad that these women felt they needed to belittle someone else in order to get a laugh or feel better about themselves in some way.
So well said Claudia. It’s a pity , and a shame, that grown up people behave like that.
It’s truly mean and pettyAs Norma wrote ,Age doesn’t always bring sense and most of all sensibilty.
I know exactly whom you are referring to and yes I agree! Sarcasm and being snarky( as they refer to their behavior) has no place in real life or in print!
They ARE teaching their children that it is okay which is sad and says it all about our society today. I am a Mom and my children have all been bullied at some point and you would be surprised how it is NOT handled by parents and teachers!
I try very hard to stay away from mean spirited people in real life and on the internet!
Your blog is always refreshing and upbeat! Thanks for that!
Blessings to you.
Well said. I’m with Thumper: “If you can’t say somethin’ nice… don’t say nothin’ at all”. And I steer clear of the blogs where folk stray from that. Yours on the other hand has fast become a must read :D
Well put Claudia, I totally agree.
And those snotty bloggers…they are the mothers of bullies, because children learn by example. So the cycle of disgusting behavior continues.
Hi Claudia,
Yes, the should be ashamed of what they are doing and what they are teaching their children. Chances are that if these people do not change then their children will follow suite. How sad.
In the three years that I’ve been blogging I’ve only received two snide comments. Very hurtful, but I considered the source and moved on. I think that the blogging world is very versatile and thank goodness we have the freedom to pick and choose which ones we read.
Thanks for this rant, it’s much needed.
hugs
Sissie
Claudia,
Thank you for your thoughtful post. Although I have not personally seen this on blogs, I have heard of it happening.
Good for you for speaking up.
Mer
As always, well said Claudia. We can only hope that the two people in question will see your blog and take the message to heart.
Hey Girlfriend,
I agree with you whole-heartedly, and I ask for everyone to pray for those who are that small minded. Although it’s never an excuse, sometimes those that have been victims exact revenge in the same manner they were attacked. I’m sorry those people have not learned to treat others with respect, that they don’t know the the joy that comes from lifting others up instead of tearing them down. The feeling of acceptance and tolerance of others differences is a two-way street, and I’m so sorry they might never know those feelings because of their actions.
Have a great day sweetie,
Meri
Thank you, Claudia. I agree with you — I’ve seen such posts as well. Not the two you refer to, but others. Lots of others.
You raise a good point — what if it were OUR kids, or OUR spouse, or OUR best friend we recognized in one such mean-spirited post, whose picture was taken unawares and was being mercilessly mocked.
I will have this post of yours in my mind as I write from here on out. Whether on my blog, or even in short status updates on FB.
Thank you for the reminder to continually raise the bar in our communications here online. At the very least, maintain common decency. That which we ourselves would wish to be handled with.
I am ever-learning — so much more these days online as our ever-diverse world becomes more like a “village” online and we must all the more be try to remain civil and respectful. Even if we don’t always agree with each other. :)
Thank you very, very much, Claudia. :)
BTW… your pictures are AMAZING.
Ruth
Thank you so much for this post! One thing I’ve learned in my 49 years is that it’s usually women who exploit other women. It’s a very sad thing.
Hugs,
Lainie
Claudia, thank you for your post. I haven’t see the posts of the bloggers you are speaking of but I do know the type of behavior you are writing about. Unfortunately it is present at school and work. Maybe the only way some people can feel good about themselves is to put others down; such a shame.
Thanks for taking the time to post about this…maybe it will make someone think twice about their actions.
PS I love your blog, it is so cozy and homey!!
well put claudia. i don’t know what blogs you are talking about but i’ve even seen someone actually post a picture taken of someone that didn’t even know the photo was taken of them. she took it from behind the woman b/c the woman’s thong was showing and it was in a v upscale dept store. her readers all chimed in with her and it was really a low point for an otherwise excellent blog.
i think it is me, but i’m not loving blogging like i used to.
I find it unfortunate that things like this happen on blogs. When you say they are quite young, well early 30’s is not really quite young. They are old enough to know better. These were probably mean girls in high school and may well always be. I blog to meet and read about people who have something funny or interesting to say. I have visited blogs which got too personal about someone in their lives to the point of naming that person. I do not know if some people realize that if you write something, whether it be in the heat of the moment or just because you do not think before you speak, that it is out there for all to read. It is too bad that there is not a blog etiquette guide line for these not so “younger” bloggers.
Thanks Claudia,
Sue
Claudia, I`m glad those women didn`t know they were being torn apart like that.
This kind of sandbox shenanigans is not worth their time.
Sue
xo
All I can say is amen.
It’s not until we walk in someone else’s shoes that we can come to understand them. These bloggers you mention have perhaps never had a hardship or physical ailment that would make them an easy target themselves. The world can stand a little more empathy and it is blogs such as yours, Claudia, that help provide that opportunity. Ann
Amen, Claudia! This sort of thing is not ok…not ok at all! Sounds like they have real some life lessons to learn…
Very well said. It is a shame that these women don’t stop and think before they ‘speak’. I absolutely hate camera phones for this reason.
I always told my kids they didn’t have to be friends with everyone, but be nice. There is no excuse for this type of behavior.
I hope all you great bloggers don’t give up.
thank you for your commenting on this world nowdays… i have also wondered where the love and compassion has gone nowdays.. its a sad state when we cant be loving to each other and instead of making fun.. why not try a little kindness… and get to know a person before you make judgements.. my heart aches for all who have been “bullied” and i thank you again for bringing it to peoples attention..
my wish is for all to have a blessed and happy holiday…
big hugs and kudos to you :)
lynn
Thank you for posting this. The catty, mean behavior on the part of some women just never seems to go away. I have witnessed so much nastiness from women over the years that I was really discouraged for a long time. It is good when we stand up and take the time to point out that it is unacceptable.
Thankfully, I have seen and received so many nice comments in the blog world. People can be kind too, which I am grateful for.
I enjoy your blog. Keep up the good work.
~cathy
Kudos my dear. I had been alerted to one of these incidents and it is not a blogger I visit but I too found it appalling, but I was busy that day and continued on my way tending to my blog friends when I should have dead stopped and left a comment to wake that chickie up!
So shame on me for seeing it briefly and doing nothing because I do try to fight against injustice wherever it may be..so the gal who tipped me off will give me the link again and this time I will not let the meanness slide by.
Thanks Claudia!
xx
z
UPDATE:
before I closed this out, I found the link and went there and the photo has been removed..Seems someone else woke up “momma” to her behavior. I left this comment for her, whether it will give her pause, who knows? Somehow she was raised herself to believe meanness is funny.
“I would hope that you removed the photo and edited this post out of embarrassment for your behavior, and not because you were concerned with backlash.
As a “mommy” and blogging about it shouldn’t your goal be to elevate and encourage other Mothers rather than pander to the lowest forms of humor at someone else’s expense?
That is certainly not the behavior we should encourage in other adults, let alone children. Bullies do not sprout in a field, they are raised by parents who are “just kidding”. You are teaching by example Mommy.”
I’ve dropped by from Brenda’s Cozy Little House. I haven’t come across the kinds of comments you mentioned in your post. How sad that some choose to use the medium to demonstrate such poor behaviour.
I’ve poked around your beautiful blog for a little while and need to go hit the “follow” button. I have a small home, built in the early fifties, and it looks like you have a lot of creative, attractive ideas to explore!
Such a good post. We all need to read this and think. I honestly am surprised that somone did this on their blog. A
nd even more surprised that people commented back.
I listened to my sweet granddaughters over this holiday. The 8 year old talked about bullying alot. She would ask her 5 year old sister if someone had been mean to her. I think we are trying to get the point across to children but maybe we should start with their parents. I know these little girls wil not bully. Their parents are teachers and there will be big time time outs if they do.
I don’t think I can add much as everything seems to have been said. We live in an imperfect world filled with narcissists and psychopaths. There are people who love to hurt others. They do it in big ways, they do it in small ways. They have no empathy whatsoever. These people will do anything to elevate themselves, get their way, and have the last word. Nothing surprises me anymore. Thanks for the lovely photos, Claudia. This is a very good post as are all your posts.
Thank you so much for saying this! I was starting to lose faith, just a bit – had just deleted a blog off my reading list this morning because she is increasingly headed in that direction with mean-spirited observations about strangers and neighbors.
Some bloggers have started talking about “blogging every day” as if it is a task and I wonder if some of the mean posts are just thoughtless ways to fill the space.
I deleted one prominent one last Christmas season when she posted about how moronic the customers walking through her shop in an antique mall were because they were picking up book pages she had scattered on the floor as decoration.
What they saw as being courteous or safety-conscious, she saw as “not getting it” and many of her regulars leaving comments agreed.
Bullying and rude behavior is not going to turn around until people recognize it and call the rude party out on it.
Thank you for doing just that!
Very well said Claudia. How sad these women are, and I hope they teach their children to act better.
XO,
Mere
You go girlfriend. I couldn’t agree more with each and every word. I’ve seen this before and the first thing I do is walk away from that blog or bloggers. I refuse to play along with these games. No my cuppa tea at all.
Hope you had a festive Thanksgiving and did get some rest. I’m guess all our rain is now close by. Stay in and stay toasty warm.
Great post!
Very well said! I agree with you 100%. Bullies breed more bullies and sometimes they need to come to some hardship themselves to understand. Not that I WANT them to suffer from anything. Life can be hard sometimes and some people just don’t get it. I am so glad that the blogs I read are written by some amazing men and women!
My grandma always told me to live my life by the Golden Rule; now I tell my grandchildren that.
Most blogs are wonderful to read, but I have no problem telling those who pick on people or animals just what I think of them. I like to think that I stand up to bullies.
Keep up the good work; love your blog.
I was bullied in school and I can honestly say that that it felt like I was never ever good enough and that there must have been something wrong with me to merit such treatment. Though I never did find out why they thought it was within their rights to torture me. I have never ever understood why anyone would make fun of another person …just because they are different. I say shame on those that wrote comments too! From all of us that were bullied at one time or another….Thank You Claudia!
Hi Claudia,
This doesn’t surprise me at all. I’ve seen with my own eyes how mean people can be on the internet. It’s a shame we live in a society that some people have to hurt others for gratification. I’ve been there.. It still hurts but, life goes on without them.
Thanks for addressing this Friend.
xxx Liz
Excellent post.
What a sad sad person she must be if she needs to ridicule another in order to feel good about herself. She deserves our pity. What a shame she will be a role model to her children and perpetuate this kind of behaviour. Perhaps they will have a stronger self image than she does and will call her on this kind of thing. It has to stop somewhere.
Well said!
Hi Claudia,
It is so good to be back reading your blog. You always write with such honesty and sensitivity. Luckily, I have not stumbled upon a blog entry like the two you have described but I hope that, if I did, I would express my disappointment immedicately in a Comment to the blogger. That kind of behavior serves no purpose and is not what blogging is about. In fact, one thing I love about blogging is that I meet new friends who I can’t “see” and like them for their creativity and interests, or for the way they express themselves…looks and age and size and color have nothing at all to do with our online friendships. Thanks for calling out this kind of behavior…it wasn’t fun in junior high school and it certainly is not fun now. Good for you!
Cheryl
Great post! Unfortunately, bullying goes on in schools and in the workplace and on blogs. Fortunately, it’s being talked about more today than ever before, so those who are bullied no longer have to feel ashamed. Thankfully, people like you are standing up and saying “This is not acceptable!” When I find behavior that is offensive to me on a blog, I promptly unsubscribe and move on. I don’t need any negative cr*p in my life. :-) Thanks for the excellent post.
I just found your blog from Joanne over at 10minutes2breathe. I am so glad I stopped by…this is a great post and needs to be said. The truth of it, is that these women must be very unhappy and insecure. You are right that we should lift each other up, not bring each other down. It truly is so sad. Nice to “meet” you!
People like that try to raise themselves up by bringing other people down, do they know that it only makes them look small, and pathetic in the eyes of others who see them for what they really are, sad and unhappy. We should bring joy and happiness into this world no matter where we are. What is that little song we all learned as a child, “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.” I guess I have always been for the underdog, and never a part in poking fun at someone who is different or frankly “unique”…we are all God’s children. It is best we remember that. Thank you for sharing your feelings on this. I agree 100%……….
Here is an example of judging a book by it’s cover…one day when at work my charge nurse did an admission assessment on a patient who looked to be a bit simple-minded. She scolded the patient for her feet being dirty and told her she was not clean…..definitely the wrong thing to say, definitely the wrong assumption as well because this patient has worked as a meter maid in Chicago for years, she was well versed in several languages and had traveled abroad to Europe and told me about seeing the Passion Play in Germany. She had lived in Texas and knew all about chili recipes that would make your head swim, she was very intelligent and I found her to be someone I enjoyed taking care of. She filed a complaint against the RN in charge and refused to allow her to take care of her. So, it was a lesson learned to jump to a snap judgement about an individual. Sometimes getting to know someone who is different is a joy.
Oh boy, this is the 2nd post I’ve read today, that brings to mind the thought of karma, and how things will eventually will out, in the end. Somedays, I have to remind myself, that the best I can do, is try to make the world a better place. I try hard to “stand up” when others sit down. I’m so glad to know you, Claudia. Thank you for speaking up.
xo
Lena
Excellent post! And the drops of rain on the plants are like tears we are shedding for this abuse in blogging. Shame on any adult who resorts to that horrid behavior for fun and mockery.
Brenda
Amen girl! While I haven’t seen any of this in any of the blogs I visit, I know it must go on and it is so sad to know it does. Maturity comes late to some people.
sending hugs…
I just now left a message on my niece’s facebook about mean spirited comments directed to her. Why does this still go on? I am assuming that it is because of parents like the mean spirited bloggers you wrote about. To this day I have issues about things that were said to me when I was young and I am 51. My mom always said, “if you can’t say something nice…say nothing at all”. If only we all lived by that rule.
Thank you for so thoughtfully addressing a problem that is now becoming more the norm than the rarity. There is no excuse for such behavior – I don’t care how old the people involved are, what generation they are from, what the circumstances are: you do not hurt another person for sport. Whether with fists or words.
Today, one friend told me about a woman who is losing her battle against cancer. She has a 13 yr old daughter who made cupcakes for a fundraiser fighting breast cancer. Some little snotty kids labeled the cupcakes cancer cupcakes and would not buy them and the young teen was crushed. Who condones such behavior? It tugged at my heart something fierce.
Thank you for standing up and saying – this is not acceptable! We all need to do this and raise each other up — NEVER the opposite! Your blog is a delight – and your compassion and kindness a beacon!
Hugs, Pippa
So glad you have spoken up! Even as a kid, I never tolerated others making fun of those less fortunate. Simply no excuse for grown women to be doing such. It disgusts me!
You are so absolutely, absolutely right!
Thank your for taking a stand on this and speak out. Hear Hear!
It bears repeating; well said Claudia! Thank you for speaking out about this. Another thing I can’t tolerate is cursing on blogs. I just deleted a blog from my links, an otherwise very good blog, but I was sick and tired of the vulgar language seeping in here and there. I don’t talk like that, and don’t care to read it either.
Thank you, Claudia. There will never be a shortage of small minded people. And people who have personality disorders who do not regconize themselves when they perpetuate antisocial behaviour..it’s the people who jump on their bandwagon who are disturbing…Such behaviour needs to be addressed and warranted unacceptable. Thanks for doing exactly that.
I haven’t run into any blogs that do this.
I have, however, run into
cliques & people who think they are superior and ignore the comments that people leave for them. High school all over again. And as you said, Claudia, sad behavior for grown women.
I found you via Brenda at Cozy Little House, one of my favorite blogs.
What an eloquently written post! I have not run across too much of this type of stuff in the few years I have been blogging, but it is truly appalling that someone would use a photo of an unsuspecting person in this manner. I pity the children of these two — I don’t visit many “mommy” blogs, not being in that age bracket, so I have no idea which ones you are referring to.
ETS
Wonderful post! I agree 100% with everything you said. While I don’t have a blog I do have a Facebook page and have found the same “bullying” happens there as well. People I have known for years don’t hesitate to make humiliating and condesending remarks when they want to feel superior. I will often write my thoughts on something. To me an opinion is simply that, an opinion. Not right or wrong, just my views on a matter. I have never seen such ugly comments! I now have resorted to deleting past posts and so called “friends” off my list. I don’t need the drama! Thank you for your post :)
Thank you more than I can say!!
J
Claudia, I totally agree- with what you said- NO ONE should treat others like that.
xo- and thanks for this post.
Dorthe
I have found that most ‘bullies’ are very insecure people. It just brings attention to that fact. Thanks for your post and you are a very good writer. Deb
I immediately hthought bullying (we work on trying to eliminate that in my school and district) and I am appalled. But you’re right, blogging is just like the real world. I am proud of you for standing up to this. I’ve never run across something like this in blogging, but I like to think I would also stand up for the person being bullied. Thank you for briinging this to our attention.
On another note, I am loving these posts you and Brenda are doing on small houses. Your home is very warm and inviting. Looking forward to more!
This kind of thing makes me so very sad. Thank you for speaking out about it!
~Angela~
VERY VERY SAD SITUATION CLAUDIA…..THESE WOMEN SHOULD BE A ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES……BRAVO MY FRIEND YOU WROTE A GREAT POST…….
THESE WOMEN SHOULD READ IT…..HAVE A GREAT DAY…….RIZZI
VERY VERY SAD SITUATION CLAUDIA…..THESE WOMEN SHOULD BE A ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES……BRAVO MY FRIEND YOU WROTE A GREAT POST…….
THESE WOMEN SHOULD READ IT…..HAVE A GREAT DAY…….RIZZI
Amen! I guess I knew there was probably those types of blogs, but I haven’t seen them so – out of sight. . . But you are so very right. Women should be lifting each other up, not tearing each other down. Great thoughts.
Well said Claudia. Thank you!
I agree with you heartedly Claudia. These Moms who do not deserve to be called Moms. Unkind people they are. What a role model they have become for their children. One day their children become the product like them and end up like the paragraph Below.
Has anyone read this and seen this on Youtube last week. A women being elderly. Out of bad has come good for her. Of kind readers on facebook donating money for her. On her behalf. Sad, sad situation. She now can retire.
The video, shot on a bus in Greece, New York, records middle school students peppering bus monitor Karen Klein with insults, calling her fat, taunting her.