Forgot to post the sunset on my birthday. It was pretty spectacular.

If you celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you had a lovely day yesterday. We made a big dinner that didn’t seem so big until we ate it and then we figured out we ate too much and were uncomfortable the rest of the evening. And I fell asleep in my chair, just like my dad and grandfather always did after a big meal. But it was delicious! And – always the best thing about a holiday meal – we have leftovers.

I finished the puzzle yesterday, having not had time to work on it the day before.

A true challenge. Let me tell you, the final pieces didn’t just fall into place, this sucker kept me on my toes until the very end.

I like it. And it sure put me in the Christmas spirit.

Shopping the other day was dreadful. It ended up being a very hard day for me emotionally. First of all the mall that I chose isn’t nearly what it used to be. (I suppose that’s happening everywhere.) Many of the stores were empty and the clothing stores that were there were geared toward young people. I’m not going to find something at Forever 21. I went into Macy’s first. I was simply looking for black pants that were dressier than my black jeans. And there were some on the racks but, again, they didn’t fit right or weren’t the right size. I would expect Macy’s to have a bigger selection of clothes, but not this one. I walked from one end of the mall to the other several times and remained frustrated. The only thing I purchased was Christmas tree lights at Target.

The hardest thing – and I’m going to be perfectly honest – was seeing myself in the mirrors. I have gained more weight than I thought. For most of my life, until my fifties, I was very thin. Now? I don’t recognize my body. I don’t recognize myself. I drove home. And then I cried and cried in my husband’s arms. We’re going to go to another mall on Sunday. It’s in Connecticut, and has more stores.

I know this is rather a universal thing – aging and coming to terms with body changes. Usually, I’m okay. But on Wednesday, I simply fell apart. Even though the premiere isn’t wildly dressy, it’s a premiere of a Hollywood movie and there will be lots of cameras and people with much more money than I there. I have to look relatively put together.

I know it will all work out. But the stress is there and it’s very real.

Today, I’m going to take it easy, but I’m realizing I need to walk/exercise more, so I’ll go outside and walk the property several times. Hopefully. It’s raining right now.

Stay safe.

Happy Friday.

This has been a challenge. The majority of the puzzle is white with various lines and squiggles. I knew that when I purchased it, of course. The part yet to be finished is the most challenging. I worked on it a lot yesterday and I finally had to force myself to stop. That’s the NY Public Library, by the way.

I have to find something to wear to the premiere today. This pushes all my buttons because a) I hate shopping in a mall or a big store but I have to be able to try things on, and b) I’ve gained weight and I’m not the skinny thing I was for most of my life and facing that fact in a dressing room is extremely unpleasant, and c) the whole thing can be very depressing and tiring, and d) I don’t want to spend a lot of money on this. The suggested dress is Business Casual. Hmmm. So it’s not very dressy, thank goodness, but I have to look put together in a group of people who, believe me, will look extremely well put together.

Add to that that I am an introvert and the thought of the premiere fills me with excitement and dread. At the same time. So many people, so much talking, so much being ‘on.’ And for us, the trip in and out of NYC, finding a place to park, trying to grab a bite to eat before the start of the movie, is a bit overwhelming. It makes for a very long day that will find us getting back home in the wee hours of the next morning.

That’s what I’m dealing with this morning. I’m blessed to be able to go, I know, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m shopping today because I sure don’t want to shop right after Thanksgiving, which would be insane. If I can’t find anything, I’ll go out again on Monday, but I’m hoping it will all be taken care of today.

Okay. I won’t post tomorrow as it is Thanksgiving here in the States and most of you will be very busy with meal prep, family, etc. We will cook our usual vegetarian fare.

Stay safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Wednesday.

I remember the days when our first snowfall was pretty; gently falling snowflakes with a magical kind of quality.

Instead, we’re getting this:

In other words, snow changing to rain changing to ice changing to snow changing to ice and then changing to rain.

This happened a lot last year. I sure hope this first ‘event’ is not going to be the norm this winter.

It all happens after it gets dark, so it’s not as if we can watch the pretty little snowflakes falling…

No snowblower, of course, but it wouldn’t really work with this stuff. I’ve heard anywhere from 1 – 3 inches, but our local weather guys who I turn to for the most accurate forecast are saying a coating to an inch. Fingers crossed!

We’ll see.

Do you think it might be time for us to remove our a/c window units? I’m thinking that is a resounding yes, so that’s on our agenda for today, as well as getting the snow shovels out of the shed.

I took a quick glance at the porch plants. They’re not dead yet, but it’s early in the day. I’ll know more later.

Sounds like a day for sugar-free hot chocolate, doesn’t it?

As for my thoughts on my upcoming birthday, a clarification. Feelings about aging and big birthdays are complex and I think it’s healthy to acknowledge and honor that. Of course I’m grateful that I’m still here. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t feel something beyond that. Life is complicated. Feelings are complicated. So, my replies yesterday reflect that.

There is not one of us who hasn’t lost someone too soon. I certainly have, starting with two children I routinely babysat who lost their young lives to cancer. I was 12 or 13, but they were much younger. Sadly, we often face heartbreaking loss at an early age. And since the age of 44, there has not been one birthday where I haven’t been acutely aware of the fact that I have been granted more years on this earth than my brother. Or more years than all my friends who died of AIDS. Or my student who was murdered.

And I am well aware that some of you have lost beloved husbands and children and my heart breaks for you. There are no words.

All of that is to say that life is not a Hallmark card. It’s tricky and complicated.

Don’t worry, though I have insisted on no presents – we’re stretched pretty thin at the moment – Don will be in a celebratory mood and will make the day lovely. I’m eternally grateful for his presence in my life. But that isn’t for 6 days, so in the meantime…snow and ice and messy weather.

Stay safe.

Happy Tuesday.