Riley

In the Garden: What is it?

August 24, 2012 at 8:24 am by Claudia

Since Riley’s death, Don and I have been sticking close to home. Crowds irritate us. Normal, everyday activities and conversations irritate us. Our world has changed, yet everything else around us seems to go on as usual. Yesterday was the first day I’d ventured out since Monday. And I couldn’t wait to get back home. I think this is fairly normal. We just want to be here in our cottage, with Scout, and shut the rest of the world out.

One thing that gives me comfort is nature. I walk around the property, camera in hand, and sometimes see something that is so compelling, I am pulled out of my mourning for a moment in time. The other day I saw a creature darting from flower to flower among the phlox. It moved very quickly. At first, I took it to be a hummingbird. But as I looked more closely, I realized it wasn’t a hummingbird.

It had a hairy body, clear wings and it moved as quickly as a hummingbird does. So quickly that I barely got this shot. I came back in the house, grabbed the laptop and quickly found out that this little guy is a hummingbird moth. Often mistaken for a hummingbird, hemaris thysbe, or hummingbird clearwing moth, is attracted to white or pale flowers with a sweet scent – hence, the visitation to my phlox. If you visit the link, you’ll see a great close-up of the moth’s body.

It feeds through a proboscis – the long tube that you can see in this close-up:

The proboscis curls up under the moth’s head when it’s not feeding. Amazing.

Many of you may already know about this creature, but it’s my first sighting and the discovery of it among my flowers provided a little respite from my grief.

I wasn’t planning on posting today, but I was scheduled to run the ad at the top of the post, so I forced myself to. Good thing: I was able to share this little wonder with you. I’ll be moving the blog over the weekend so hopefully all will be in place by Monday. Wish me luck!

Have a happy Friday.

Empty

August 22, 2012 at 9:26 am by Claudia

This is my favorite photo of Riley and Scout. I have a framed version of it that is now sitting on the piano, along with Riley’s collar and some locks of his hair.

Thank you. Your loving comments on yesterday’s post were a great comfort to me. Some of you sent private emails. Some of you took the time to send poems and writings about the loss of pets. Brenda wrote a beautiful post. I will not ever be able to tell you how much all of you mean to me. I will read your loving, compassionate words over and over and they will help me during this time of loss. My dear neighbor, who lost both of her dogs last year, brought over homemade chocolate chip cookies. I am blessed.

My heart is breaking, I can’t stop crying, I feel empty inside. I can hardly bear to look at the rug where Riley was stationed so much of the time during the last several months. I can’t conceive that he’s gone and I want him back.

Right after I arrived home from Hartford a few months ago, this cottage became a hospice for Riley. And since then, I have devoted all of my time to taking care of him, moving us all to the living room where we could be together and where I could quickly respond to his needs. I don’t want any pats on the back for that. I simply did what I had to do and would do all over again for my boy. But because of that, I don’t know what to do with myself now. I don’t know where to turn. I sit here, enveloped in grief, knowing I should find something to do, but I’m unable to move. I just want to take care of Riley again. I want to stroke his head and tell him what a wonderful boy he is and tell him that we love him forever.

I know that our pets are often spoken of in these words: they are like our children. But you see, my dogs are my children. There’s no “like” in my description of them. I never had biological children. My dogs have always been and will always be my children. So I mourn the passing of my baby, my child. Who will take care of him? No one knows him like I do. I’m his mom. I’m the only one who can take care of him. These are the words I cry out to Don as we sit on the sofa and grieve for our boy.

I never got over losing our dog, Winston. I will never get over losing Riley.

When Winston suddenly died at the young age of eight, I went into a mild depression. Scout kept me going because I had to make sure she was loved and cared for. Now she has outlived another sibling and, at the age of 13, she’ll keep me going again. Because caring for Riley took so much of my time and energy, she didn’t always get the attention she deserved. I plan on making it up to her.

Bear with me as I move through this period of mourning. Blogging will help, I know. But right now, I can’t get excited about anything.

I want to start our “A Favorite Thing” party, but I think I’ll wait one more week, if that’s alright with all of you. It will be officially on Saturdays, but the post will be up on Friday evening, giving you some extra time to post if Saturday is inconvenient. I also have to attend to the final details of my move to WordPress. I’m excited about the new look of the blog and I think you’ll like it. Don’t worry, it will be the same old MHC, just in a new home. But because of that move and a book review I have scheduled for next week, we’ll delay the party a week. That means it will officially start on Saturday, September 1st.

I may not post every day. But I’ll be here.

Thank you again. Say a prayer for my Riley.

August 21, 2012 at 7:13 am by Claudia

Our boy left us yesterday afternoon.

My heart is broken in two.

After a weekend where he had been getting up more and moving around, he took a turn for the worse later on Sunday. On Monday, we called the Vet who had diagnosed Riley’s condition and made an appointment. We knew he would be totally honest with us. And he was. It was now time. Don and I had always felt we would know when it was time and the doctor confirmed it.

Don went home to get Scout so she could say goodbye to her brother.

Then it was time. We were with him until the end.

This sweet boy was a blessing and gift. He was a teacher. He had been abused as a young dog and was found wandering the streets of Paterson NJ. If we hadn’t rescued him when we did, he would have died in a few months because shortly after we adopted him, we found out that he had heartworm. He was two years old. Thank goodness I had him tested. He lived for 9 more years because of that test.

He was rather wild. He had no social skills. Because he had been abused, he didn’t know how to ask for affection. He bit us both at one time or another. He was scared that someone might hurt him again.

It took a long, long time to show him that we loved him unreservedly and forever and that he was safe with us. He learned to play (a little,) he loved Scout, he loved us. We loved him.

We love him.

I can’t imagine life without him. I can’t stop crying. My little boy is gone. The house seems terribly empty.

I know he’s free now, running and playing with abandon. I hope he’s with our beloved dog, Winston.

I’m happy for that.

But back here there’s a hole, an empty space.

I miss him so. I’d give anything to have him back again.

Thank you, Riley, for coming to us. Thank you for being my boy. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for everything.

I love you.

In the Garden: What is it?

Empty

Riley

Lambs Like to Party

A Note

Archives