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Comfort and Changes

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hotchocolate

Late afternoon hot chocolate will soon be just a memory.

Not quite yet, but soon.

I’ve been so good about eliminating sugar from my diet, but I must confess that this little indulgence is one I have allowed myself. It’s a comforting ritual, this late-in-the-day treat. It usually coincides with one of Scout’s meals. While I am preparing her dinner, I’m also heating up the milk, stirring in the chocolate and occasionally indulging in some marshmallows. After Scout’s needs are all sorted out, I carry my cup into the den, sit in my chair and slowly sip my hot chocolate.

It’s been there for me throughout the winter, through all the snow shoveling and ice chipping and roof raking. On days when Nor’easters were swirling and blowing all around the cottage, when snow was falling at an alarming rate, I took comfort in my guilty pleasure.

Some hot chocolate, some reading material, sometimes some music, sometimes quiet. Lovely.

I awoke at 5:30 this morning to the sound of Scout falling. Yesterday she had trouble getting up after a nap and fell a couple of times. I assume the same thing happened this morning. I ran downstairs and saw she was having difficulty walking. But once I let her outside and she walked around, she was okay. It’s hard to see this happening as it brings back memories of Riley’s struggles. I think her hind legs sometimes buckle when she first gets up after sleeping for a long time.

Sigh. This is very hard. My agile Border Collie is struggling.

My mom is also declining. Things have changed in the last few days. She was given a chest x-ray, but it’s clear, so no pneumonia. Her breathing, according to Meredith, is shallow. She doesn’t speak anymore. She sleeps most of the time and when she is awake, she stares blankly. No recognition of anyone. Both Meredith and I, and even my dad, feel that her transition is in the near future.

Her body has become her prison and she needs to be set free. Of that I am certain.

I now bring the phone into my bedroom at night. Just in case.

That these thoughts about my mother and Scout are constantly in my mind is obvious, I’m sure. They are never far away, hovering in the background as I move through the day, always ready to take over and make me stop in my tracks.

That’s where I am today.

Happy Tuesday.

ClaudiaSignature140X93

Comments

  1. It’s difficult to have hard things come all at once. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Tana xoxo

  2. Thinking of you . Keep the hot chocolate for now . It sounds like a lovely ritual

  3. Claudia, Sending hugs to you. I know that feeling of always something there in your mind that you can’t totally shake off. Hope Don can be with you . I drank a cappuccino yesterday and it makes me relax. Blessings, xoxo,Susie

  6. Claudia, I will keep you in my prayers today. These are very tough issues. I’ve been through them both in the past few years and it’s really hard. Blessings.

  7. Kind of in a similar place…..With my mother, it’s as much her mind as body (though she has fallen a couple of times in a couple of weeks resulting in obvious pain in her tailbone and a couple of tender spots on her head).

    We, too, have enjoyed our hot chocolate lately – made THIS way: We heat up the leftover coffee from morning and add water to make a cup. Then add envelop of Swiss Miss (I think it is) hot chocolate mix & have a kind of mocha. Yum!

    2 weeks and 2 days after an emergency hip replacement find me happy with my progress and eager to be 100%. I’m learning so much from this involuntary sidelining…

    • Glad to hear you’re feeling better and that your recovery is going well, Rebecca.

  13. I agree, Claudia. Keep the hot chocolate. It comforts you in more ways than one. God will come for your Mom in His time. Perhaps she still has lessons to teach? As for Scout, sometimes we need to help ease their suffering. Praying you’ll know when it’s her time. Prayers for all of you. xo

    • Oh, she’s not even close, Donna. She has good days and bad days. We’ll know when it’s time.

  16. I was thinking of your Mom the other day Claudia and wondering how she was doing. So sorry to hear that things have not improved, but rather declined. Never easy or fun to watch. And poor Scout. It is so difficult when our pets start to decline. Sending prayers and comforting hugs your way…it will be good when Don comes home.

  17. Claudia – my thoughts and prayers are with you – I have gone through much the same… it is never easy. Just know you are thought of – sending a comforting hug… Francine L.

  18. Transition. Inevitable. But painful nonetheless. Having gone through the loss of my mother and cat at the end of 2012, my heart is with you. My sweet Louis is holding on but I think he will pass soon. The loss of my mother was rough but she was in so much pain that her passing, although crushing to me, was one of gentle release. I will be here for you should you need me. Courage.

  19. I am so sorry to hear this news. You’ll definitely be in my thoughts. Stay strong…and you might just want to hang on to the hot chocolate for awhile longer. Thankfully, Don will be home soon. ;)

  20. It is such a hard time. It seems you have had one thing after another this long, cold, bitter winter. I am so glad Don will be home soon and I bet that will make Scout feel better, too. They do know when we are sad / lonely and feel it too. Just having him back with you will be so good for your spirit.
    We have been through this with all 4 of our parents. They have all passed, but now my husband’s sister, who is 80, fell and broke her hip. After 2 surgeries she is to come home next week. After having 2 stair lifts installed in her condo along w/ a remodel of the bathroom w/ a stand up shower installed, we are hoping it works…. but thinking we do need to have a Plan B ready. She never had children, so we are all the family she has. When I was younger, and read about the Golden Years, somehow I had a different picture in my mind. (Yes, we do have some ice and snow in our forecast this week…….. it is cold and SO windy!!)

  21. Maybe Scout will bounce back when Don comes home! I hate when they become so fragile. My old boy is gong down that road, too. Blesings to you and your family. Just know your Mom is in a better place already.

  22. I’m sorry to hear Scout is having trouble with her legs. Both my doggies are having trouble. My little Sophie’s back legs became paralyzed in the fall and now my male, Rocky’s arthritis is becoming much worse. He’s on medication, but it only helps so much. I have to help him up and sometimes he needs help changing sleeping positions at night. Leaving the house for any length of time is a worry now. Hugs to Scout.

  23. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way for that peace, understanding and comfort may be found. Be gentle with yourself during this time. My heart goes out to you.

  24. Claudia – So sorry to hear of the decline of your Mom and Scout both. This is such a hard time and makes one feel so helpless. Two such important persons in your life are struggling and it is so hard to watch when there’s nothing you can do but love them. Hope Don will be home soon. I know that will help all your situations fare better.

    Love,
    Judy

  26. Oh, why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I want a magic wand so I can make things all better for those I love that are suffering; but since that is most likely not going to appear, we do the next best thing. We love them, we help them, we comfort them … and we take a bit of comfort for ourselves as well. Some snuggles for Scout and some prayers for you and your Mom … hope they help. Blessings, Ann

  27. Thinking of you…I know exactly how hard it is to keep those thoughts at bay.

  28. With the winter and things you’ve dealt with this past few months I’d say you deserve your hot chocolate AND a great big hug which I’m sure Don will deliver on as soon as he sees you.
    My prayers are with you and Meredith as you watch your Mom fail. I can’t believe how much Meredith’s family has endured the past few weeks. So incredibly sad.
    Scout is such a sweetie. She is so lucky to have you for her Mom.
    Blessings,
    Betsy

  29. Claudia I understand where you are! When my Dad was so ill kept my phone near me at all times. It is hard to watch as loved one’s decline. Wishing you some peace as you deal with all these things. Sweet hugs to you and Scout.

    Linda

  30. It’s so hard to see a loved one aging and failing in health. What you wrote about your mom reminds me so much of my grandma. That’s how she was for awhile near the end of her life, too. We were amazed that her body could stay alive for that long. She barely ate or drank anything and was maybe 85 lbs. I hate to see our ailing, aging fur babies struggle, too. My Zippo is almost 15 and his age has become more apparent these past six months. So far, he’s in good health, but he’s losing a lot of his muscle mass, especially in his hind quarters, so it makes him look really thin. You can feel his spine when you pet him down his back, too. And he’s much more needy…he follows me around the house, meowing (a little senile) and sleeps with us every night. We’ve had him since he was 3 months old (stray cat on our property that we took in) so it’s like he’s been part of our family “forever”. When he passes, it’s going to be extremely hard on all of us. Of course, with having lost my son 4-1/2 years ago, there’s absolutely no comparison in losing a pet, but it’s still heartbreaking.

  31. I too will be glad when Don is home to give you the love and support that you need to get through what we can not change no matter how much are hearts wish for it..Hugs to all of you and some extras for sweet little Scoutie..

  32. I am not very brave when it comes to the challenges you mention here, Claudia. I tend to bury my head in the sand. I can only try to imagine what you must feel some days. But, as you said, in amongst those difficulties in life, we take comfort in small indulgences that pull us away from the worries and concerns about illness, family, weather. Reading, music, gardens, marshmallows, cocoa. Life is just too short to deny ourselves those moments of joy and whimsy. xx

  34. My heart goes out to you. I too have elderly parents, so when you say that you have been taking your phone to
    your bedside at night I can relate. I do this every night. Pets are such a source of love and comfort but it is so
    terribly hard to see their decline. I have a large 100 pound fur baby and I don’t know what I will do when he
    is gone. Right now he is 8 years old and still in excellent health but when I take him for long walks I can tell he
    is not quite the frisky youngster he used to be. I also have a very loving and large kitty. Both of these pets got
    me through a very tough period when my husband passed away in 2010. Both pets would be by my bedside
    every morning and if it hadn’t been for them I don’t know how I would have gotten up some days As an aside
    I want to tell you I love the lost lamb picture. I have that same picture. It was given to my husband when he
    was a child and it always meant a lot to him and now to me as well.

  35. Many blessingss, prayers and hugs to you, your Mom and Scout. We are going through a struggle here with my Mom as well and it’s so hard, especially on the heels of losing my Dad in August. I feel your worry. xoxoxox, ~Angela~

  36. Will be keeping those two very important girls in your life in my thoughts and prayers, Claudia. It’s bad enough for one to be having troubles, and you have two. I’m sure having Don home next week will be helpful. Even if there’s nothing much you can actually do, having him back within eyesight – and arms reach – will no doubt be very comforting for you. Troubles are always easier to bear when they can be shared. Take care and God bless…

  37. I’m sorry Claudia. My husband’s mother is like that as well. Not so much the breathing but everything else.
    So sorry about Scoutie. Maybe this to will pass. We can hope. HUGS xo

  38. Please continue with your hot chocolate ritual for a while longer. We all need such things in our lives. I am sorry to hear about your mom. Poor Scout. She is such a sweet girl. I hate seeing my pets decline as they age. We only get such a short time with them, and they give us everything they have got. Hugs to you, Claudia.

  39. I waited until I got home to write you a comment. One of my dogs is probably not going to last the week. He’s been ill for months and just lately he’s been declining. Today he’s not eating all his food. Over a week ago, the vet gave him “weeks”. Not sure what we should do in helping his littermate through this process. He’s snuggled right here next to me as I type and watch TV. I am crying as I type this but I knew you’d understand. It’s the first time I’ve put it into words… haven’t been able to blog about it….

    • Oh Leanne, I do understand and I’m sending you my love and a big virtual hug. It’s unthinkable – losing our beloved pets. Please know I am thinking about you and am here for you if you need to talk. xo

  40. Poor Scout, It must be heart wrenching for you to have both your Mom and your sweet pup struggling. I’m glad that you can appreciate life’s simple pleasures..like that awesome cup of hot chocolate….Sending prayers for comfort and strength.
    Blessings, Joanne

  41. I have a big lump in my throat, Claudia. I have been through that with my Mother and used to pray for her release and then feel guilty for asking God to take her home. It is sad to see anyone suffer and I am sure you are aching aware of how fragile our pets get as they age, too. I know your heart must be aching for both of those loves in your life. Blessings- xo Diana

  42. I am so glad that I found your blog. Your love of books, we love reading in my family, my grandchildren when they were in junior high would bring books to me. They brought the Hunger Games to me, before they were popular saying “Grandma, you have to read this” and were always sharing the books with me. They knew me so well, one time my granddaughter kept telling me I would not like Twilight. I kept asking to borrow. Finally, she let me borrow it and of course, she said “Grandma, you will not like it” I could not imagine why. So, I started reading Twilight and I did not finish it.You might wonder how that book became so popular and I did not like it? Actually, there was another member of my family that did not enjoy Twilight, my daughter-in-law. It does amaze me that they know me that well to know what my reading preferences are. My granddaughter is now is going to the University of Washington. History and Library Science are her favorites.
    You have gone through so much this winter. Scout has been your companion during whole time, I know how much you worry about him, it is tough.
    Praying for your mother and your family.

  44. Claudia, I’m so sorry about your mom, I know how difficult and painful this time is. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Sending hugs, Debi

  48. Claudia,

    I have not been blogging this week due to things here, but I wanted to check in with ou. I am so sorry. I have no magic words of comfort, but I am thinking of you and pray for you to have strength and peace.

    I cried when I read about Scout. And about your mother as well.

    If it’s any comfort, know you are close at heart.

    xo

    Sheila

  50. Claudia, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through…I am in a similar place with my father right now…and the sadness and anxiety are just always there right now. I don’t know about you, but it is making ME look at my own aging much more, too…so much in my own thoughts all the time. I’m trying to keep creative and active, but this is HARD, isn’t it?

  51. Cllaudia I am catching up today, been off my blog since March 24th. Love your posts. So sorry to hear about you mom, that is the most difficult thing when your parents age, you always think of them from when you were a child and they took care of you.

    Have you thought of give Scout Glucosamine Suphate that really helped our older dogs with arthritis and it is inexpensive too.

    Love the doll house all done for Spring. Cambridge looks so nice. We are finally getting a little warm weather today, things have melted and now the farm is a sink hole.

    Glad I could catch up your blog is always my first to peek at.

    hugs
    Sue

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