September 1st came and went. The Etsy shop opened again. And like clockwork, I’m crocheting again. It never fails. The very thought of crocheting or knitting or quilting in the summer sends me screaming from the room. But somehow, once the tiniest hint of autumn is in the air, what seemed impossible the day before now seems utterly right.
It’s not like the weather is cool here. On the contrary, it’s rainy and humid. Gray and depressing. Yucky. Nevertheless, out came the yarn, the hook and the pattern. My fingers remembered the rhythm and movement of the hook and the yarn. Everything flowed.
It feels good.
I have some Etsy orders to fill which should be going out today or tomorrow at the latest. I’m also going to make some Crochet Flower Garlands in these luscious colors of Peaches & Creme Cotton:
It will be fun experimenting with color combinations. The color in the photo is a wee bit off (remember today’s weather report?) but this gives you an idea of what I’m playing with. I like the idea of the darker lavender/purple coupled with the lighter lavender. Or, in one of my favorite combinations, the lighter lavender with the apple green. What about red and yellow? Brenda? I’m also going to start in on some Obsession Scarves in solids and gradients.
It’s the first day of school around these parts. I’ve already seen several bright yellow school buses drive by. Scout loves barking at the school bus – it’s one of her favorite things to do. Well, Scout, you’re all set for several months. Bark away.
Several of you have taken the time to check in on me, asking how I’m doing, how we’re adjusting to life without Riley. Sometimes I’m okay. At other moments, I’m struck by a memory or I see something outside or some other trigger occurs and suddenly I’m sobbing. I know you’ve felt it, too. I will go along, everything seeming normal, until I’m confronted with something that reminds me that he’s gone, that, no, everything isn’t normal. Everything has changed.
The other night, we were watching The Palm Beach Story on TCM. There’s a scene on a train with a lot of hunters and their hunting dogs. The dogs, in their own compartment, start barking and baying. That triggered the memory of Riley barking along with Scout, which always gave me great joy. I realized I would never hear that again. Would the particular sound and cadence of his bark fade from my mind? Would I eventually forget how he looked when he was ‘singing’ with Scout? That happens. But I don’t want it to.
I can still remember the sound of my brother’s voice, 21 years after he died. We’ve just passed the anniversary of his death. If I can remember his voice all these many years later, surely I can remember my boy’s bark? I want to freeze frame those memories; the sight, the sound, the texture, the way he smelled when I leaned in close to kiss his head. I want to put them in a box for safekeeping.
Yesterday, we got the call that his ashes are in. I’m not ready for that yet. When Winston died and I went to pick up his ashes, I totally lost it. It was much more painful than I had envisioned. I try to stay positive on this blog, but the truth is that we have been having a very hard time of it lately. We’re hanging in there, but sometimes it’s very hard to be hopeful. Life has thrown us a few curves and, frankly, we’re overwhelmed. But we’re strong and resilient and basically positive people. We just have to find our way back to hope and joy. And we will.
Happy Wednesday, my friends.
Of course you will. It`s tough but so are you.
Best of luck with Etsy this season.
xo
Claudia,
Right now I’m sure it seems as if the sun will never shine again for you and your family. Just Keep Living- as hard as it will be we all know that you have the inner strength to keep going. Iime does heal all wounds even when we may not want that to happen. Life will be beautiful again, in it’s own time. Right now you need to take the time to grieve, cry unexpectantly or do whatever it takes to heal. Your have such a sweet spirit and I know that you feel so broken right now. Unfortunately life is full of heartaches and disappointments and you are certainly having more than your share right now.
Just know that you are in my thoughts each day. I’m sending big hugs! Blessings to you and yours and always remember JUST KEEP LIVING
That would be “TIME does heal all wounds ………sorry for the typo
Always thinking positive thoughts and keeping you in my prayers. ~Hugs, Patti
I know it must be so hard. You will never forget Riley! Glad you are getting back to your crocheting. Good luck on the reopening of your Etsy shop!
You’ve got each other, Claudia..and dear Scout. There is always Hope…. as an ICU nurse once said to me in a time of horrendous circumstances. She was right…. and the word I clung to was BELIEVE.
I am glad you are keeping busy Claudia, love that colour by the way.
Rufus and Daisy are our 11th. and 12th. dogs and I still remember the barks and idiosycransies of each and every one of them.
Trust me you will not forget one thing about Riley, he will always be in your heart and in your head.
Hugs,
Sue
Claudia, all I can say is that when I read of your anguish my heart just renders in two….
So sorry, I understand how hard it is, and hope that eventually it gets so you can bring up memories and have them soothe rather than hurt.
I love your crocheting, and hope that somehow it helps you out. Have you ever tried making anything with a ombre tone, it’s very popular.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
You will certainly heal, one crochet stitch at a time. If you speed up the process, you’ll miss a stitch and you know you always make your scarves perfect! ~ Maureen
My thoughts are with you, Claudia. Glad to hear you are crocheting again and opened your shop.
Keeping busy helps, but only sometimes and only a little right now.
I absolutely LOVE the crochet flower garland I bought from you earlier this year. Thanks for featuring a picture of it on your blog a while back! I think the turquoise is such a nice pop of color in my mostly neutral palette. It’s definitely one of my favorite things!
Glad to see you’re back in the crocheting mode!! They say time heals all wounds, but there are certain things that stay with us forever. Remember all the good times.
Love,
Judy
As you color you memories by expressing yourself in a time honored skill your heart will heal. That blue is luscious, Claudia.
Claudia,
Not sure you’ve noticed the connection between your attention to seasons and the loss of Riley.
A year before my Father’s passing he was constantly referring to Ecclesiastes 3:1-8..to everything there is a season…he found it comforting..I did too… whether spiritual or secular there is comfort there. Fall is a good season for you right now, go with it, the warm cup of tea, the setting suns, the walk in the crisp air. Heal. <3
Claudia, I hope those gray skies clear soon. I totally understand what you mean about not wanting to forget Riley’s bark and his smell. I think they will stick with you. Picking up the ashes is a hard thing. It puts a finality on it all and is just plain wrenching. We always buried our much loved pets in our backyard in a favorite spot that each seemed to like to lay in or frequent. I would plant something special or put up a marker of some sort that would remind me of how happy they were when they were in that spot. I’m glad you are back to your lovely crocheting… Ann
Riley will always be in your heart and in your thoughts..There’s no getting away from it..
What wonderful memories you have of Riley and they will not fade but always be a part of you. I know things have been tough but you and Don and Scout are strong and have lots of love surrounding you. Hugs, LInda
I understand what you’re feeling. Nothing helps but time. Staying busy is the best and soon every memory of that darling dog will put a smile on your face instead of tears in your eyes. He was one of the lucky ones, you know. He had the best life a dog could ask for. I know he had a bad start but you made up for that. Lucky, lucky dog. Deb
It takes time, but the pain will soften. The colors in the yard are just beautiful, Claudia. I hope you’ll find some peace of heart creating new things with it.
I am so sorry that you are feeling your loss so deeply, Claudia. I know Riley’s voice will always be with you and I bet Scout can feel his presence right along side of him when he is barking at the school bus.
What is ti about this time of year that causes the nesting instinct to kick in for us. Is it the change in the light, the cooler mornings, that let us know colder weather is on the way and we are going to want to keep the home fires burning. Crocheting is good therapy to soothe your soul.
Hugs my friend,
Laura
Love you…..
I love the light green/aqua yarn you are using! May I asked where you purchased it?
Thanks,
Suzie
I’ve started knitting again, too, Claudia. The first cool night last weekend and out came my sock pattern, a ball of yarn, and my eensy-peensy No. 1 needles! The days have been quite uncomfortable but the nights have been lovely with a cool breeze blowing in through the shutters. There’s no rhyme or reason as to how long grieving takes or what things might trigger the pain of loss. We can only move forward, knowing that some days might be harder (or easier) than others. Your sense of loss is understandable so soon after his departure. But while you will never forget your boy, I think over time you will find it less painful to remember.
My dear friend, yes, it IS a new kind of normal. After having lost my oldest son, Jordan, life seemed so delicate, so fragile, so surreal. There are days that it just seems that he will be calling – and there were those gaps of not being able to call because of being deployed. So it is like he will call again. However, the reality is not. But, like you, I still hear his voice and there are moments sometimes that I hear him say, “mom!” By wirting your feelings, you are keeping Riley in your heart and on the forefront of your mind. Surely you will be able to remember his voice, his bark, his loving look from his eyes. There are those memories that cannot be taken from us. Ever. Write things down, too, in case you may forget moments. So yes, life is different, but just remember this: you were given the blessing to have Riley in your life, and likewise. These are the times that are true gifts and they make us grow, allow us to appreciate LIFE and to reflect on love as we know and knew it.
much love, always….
Becky
PS: love your new look on the blog!