We had a hard frost overnight. When I checked the weather app this morning, it was 31 degrees. As the skies lightened, I saw all the leaves falling from the Catalpa. They stay green until a frost.
It hit me hard. We had just walked around the property yesterday, admiring the catalpas and the oaks and the maples. The forecast for the rest of the month doesn’t show any nights that will go below freezing. This has happened before, of course, but this time, when I started to talk to Don about it, I started crying.
I think the nightmare that has been 2020 and the ongoing stress I feel – that we all feel – has resulted in me feeling these changes more acutely. I mourn the passing of summer and I mourn fall seemingly winding down too soon. The thought of winter and the darkness and the bare trees and the snow is always hard for me to handle. This year, I guess it’s just harder than normal.
I’m usually a fairly positive person. But I’ll admit it. The combination of this disgusting administration and the heartbreaking loss of life to the coronavirus, the fact that an estimated 150,000 of those lives could have been saved if OM had done his damn job, the upcoming election, the racism and the misogyny and the xenophobia and the Supreme Court and the complete complicity of the GOP – I’m sure I’ve left something out – has left me depressed and disheartened.
I’m no different than anyone else, of course. But I realized that the frost and the catalpa leaves falling triggered a sadness I was trying to bury in order to stay positive. I’ll be fine. I’m texting EVERY DAY for Biden up to and through November 3rd. That’s my job right now. Don is doing the same, though he does phone banking.
It always helps me to write this kind of thing down. It’s cathartic.
I found another piece of Petite Princess furniture in my stash and it’s now in another room in the vintage dollhouse. Slowly but surely, a piece or two of 3/4 scale furniture will be added to each of the rooms. Spare, not too much. That mirror on the wall is the only ‘furnishing’ that had survived by the time I got the house. It’s right where it was when I first saw it and it will stay there.
Stay safe.
Happy Sunday.
So many shocking and negative changes just in the past 10 months have left a rawness unlike anything I’ve felt before. Just about anything makes me cry. If my cats don’t like their food flavor today, I feel like a failure. I wonder if I’ll be able to take care of them financially. When we have a few months of “stable” or seasonable weather, it is reassuring for a while. As individuals and as a nation, we’ve been disoriented and disillusioned at jet speed. I saw advice that suggested making a list of all the things we love about winter so that we can have that saved up: thick socks, maybe, or crocheting a blanket on your lap as you watch an old movie, music that celebrates the season (I think of George Winston and Paul Winter Consort and Thaicovsky (OMG–I can’t spell anything anymore), real hot cocoa in a thick pottery mug and SOUP!!! I feel a little more cheerful already. I might try my hand at Swedish weaving–how expensive can grass be? LOL. I’m sure you have your own winter pleasures. Maybe you and Don could find one of those special sun lamps for seasonal affective disorder. And of course featuring your dollhouse nests. I adore that curvy sofa!! I like the fabric too. I tried to upholster a club chair and it wasn’t as hard as I thought, but it takes some skills. Because my eating disorder has been radically reactivated over the past 4 years, but this last one especially, I am grateful to have found Overeaters Anonymous podcasts which remind me to focus on my own issues which are possible to deal with vs. the big world that seems to be crumbling around me. I wish I could give you a big hug, and it’s great to have Don there for that. BTW, I’ve just read the third book in a row that mentions my favorite scent (4711). Very different books and authors. That’s wild! Scent is important to my mood. And as a therapist once told me when I admitted that I was crying all the time, “stay hydrated”. I was very let down by her lack of compassion, but I’ve found it to be perhaps the best health advice ever. Sending hugs and appreciation for your devotion to nature and creativity. XO
I was going to comment/suggest the very same ideas. Thank you for this!
Thanks, Nora. We do pretty much all of that – and I get dehydrated easily, so I always have water by my side.
Take care and stay safe!
there’s just so much hard stuff to deal with in life, especially now (2020 has been relentless). glad you let it out and thank you for sharing with us. you have lots of friends here who care about you very much and wish and pray you well.
hope today will be easier for you.
that dollhouse is lovely! so are the time and efforts you and don are giving to help make the future better than the last four years. thank you.
i heard rain hitting the windows about 5:00 this morning, fell back asleep and had a nightmare about my sister and i driving in our own cars to meet up in northern minnesota and then getting separated because i was in two accidents and no one would help (including a woman who had the same makeup on as pino) and i couldn’t find my sister and my cellphone battery was low … a nightmare with a 2020 imprint, for sure. got out of bed to see now we have very obvious snow on the lawns. grass pokes through in places, the streets are wet, sidewalks look shiny (hopefully just wet and not slippery). too soon for snow, but we need the moisture and the snow will likely melt by this afternoon so will be glad about that part.
taking it easy today. hope you do, too.
stay safe and warm!
kathy in iowa
I’ve had some covid nightmares, so has Don. But seeing a woman with makeup like OM’s…Yikes!
Stay safe, Kathy.
I love the fact you are keeping the mirror where you found it. It symbolizes its past but will now reflect all the hard work you have done to give it a new future. I appreciate all the texting and phone banking you and Don do. You back up your beliefs with actions not only words. Bless your heart, I understand how you feel even if I live in a state that still feels like summer. You ability to share has helped us feel a sense of unity during these difficult times and for that I am very grateful. Take care of yourself and stay safe.
Thank you so much, Janet.
Stay safe.
I am interested in how the process of texting for a candidate works, also phone banking. Maybe you would give more detail in one of your blogs.
You’re basically texting via a program on your computer – not on your phone. There are key questions every day – new topics and wide array of responses to cover almost every kind of question. The training just takes an hour and then you’re ready to go.
Stay safe, Kay.
I was expressing these same thoughts to Brian just yesterday…how this time of year is depressing to me because of the gloomy skies, bare trees, bitter cold, and then the snow. Not to mention the upcoming time change where it’ll then be dark at 4:30 and I feel ready for bed by 7:30. He said I was only making it worse by focusing on the gloom but I disagree – I think it’s important to talk about it and get the feelings out. I’m not focusing on it – I’m just expressing how I currently feel. I take enough vitamin D (I take 200 iu in the warmer, sunny months, up it to 400 iu in September, then up to 500 iu Nov – March…and I get tested every year to make sure these levels are good for me); I try to walk outside every day to get fresh air and some natural light (what little there is); and I will start using a UV therapy lamp every morning come November. I bought one last year and it helped a teeny bit.
I think this year will be even worse for those of us with SAD because of this shi**y year. We truly need each other’s support and perhaps can share helpful, positive suggestions.
xoxo
Yes, I agree. It’s been a sh*tstorm. Non-stop. And those of us who suffer from SAD, who already feel the seasonal change deeply, get a double whammy.
Thanks, Melanie.
Stay safe.
It has gotten colder here also. But today has been a beautiful sunny day for my Mom to celebrate her 90th Birthday. I am so blessed to still have her with me. No worries today just JOY!
Happy 90th Birthday to your Mom, Linda!
Stay safe.
hej, linda mackean …
happy birthday to your mother! very happy for you both to be able to
spend this extra-special day together.
stay safe and well!
kathy in iowa
Let me tell you about my life at this point. Your blog is the highlight of my day!
Many days I don’t have anything to say, but I want you to know I open and read every day.
Take care…
Thank you so much, Kelly.
Stay safe!
I love your little houses! I want this year over and done with and like you I feel like bursting into tears. I voted the other day and will be so glad when the votes are counted. So looking forward to another potus!
We can’t wait to vote. It starts here in NY on October 24th, so just about a week from now.
Stay safe, Jan.
All the same feelings…..I think it is unanimous. I agree with so many comments. I try to find something positive every day, but it gets harder and harder. I agree that the time of year has so much to do with it. And changing time on Halloween night will only add to the feeling of darkness, (my old friend, as the song goes). We have had a freeze, and the leaves are in a current accelerated dropping frenzy. We had 40+MPH winds all day yesterday. Exhausting.
So now he says if he loses he will leave the country. I’m sure to somewhere with no fear of extradition. My question is will we have to supply Secret Service for him?? Just ugh to the entire thing. I can’t allow myself to get excited about the results when they come in and are final. So worried that it will be in the courts and then the SC, where we can already say what those results will be. I just depress myself and let my BP rise with every thought about it. The next 2 weeks will feel like 2 years, I am sure.
It’s all exhausting, isn’t it?
He’ll try to flee the country, more like it. He will be brought up on charges immediately and he’ll be facing spending the rest of his life in prison.
Hang in there, Chris.
Stay safe.
In Mi we had a hard frost on Friday and i had to chop down all my dahlias. I too cried and was bummed out all yesterday. I looked forward to putzing around my garden and now there is nothing to look forward too except the snow flying. I now have a better understanding of how refugees must feel – an uncaring government making decisions that directly affect you and you have no say. Its hard not to feel hopeless.
dq
Spring was a blessing after 2 months in lockdown. And now all those possibilities are gone with the advent of winter.
I can’t imagine how much more difficult is for refugees. Especially now.
Stay safe.
I share your feelings. Sometimes I will sit doing something and just start crying. Also at times while we are watching news. The upcoming election and possible aftermath scares the bejesus out of me. I’m praying for us all.
I am too. Praying for sanity and peace and for good triumphing over evil.
Stay safe, Lynn.
If there was no Covid 19 and I lived near you I would make a big pot of tea and bring it over and you, Don and I would sit around and find fun things to talk about. What helps me is to sit down and breath deeply and find my mental and emotional strength, and focus on that for awhile. You are a strong woman and you can do all this standing on your head, for as long as you must! There is no doubt in my mind!
Oh, I know I can. Today has just been hard. I always bounce back. Thanks for your support, Tana.
Stay safe.
I, too, have the same feelings and share the same thoughts as you and everyone who commented shared. The worst part, I can cry at the tiniest thing…and I can’t seem to control it. I sincerely hope it will start to end soon…but I can’t allow myself to get too hopeful yet. Maybe…after all the votes are counted, maybe then, and only then can I start to feel more secure. But, right now that’s a big ‘if’! Like Chris said..two weeks will feel like two years!
I love that curved sofa…so elegant! Stay safe! ;)
It IS a big ‘if’ – I don’t know if anyone saw James Carville’s post on The Bulwark. I’ll try to find the link. I’m going to reread it. It gave me hope for the first time in a long time.
Stay safe, Donna.
I love listening to James Carville. He’s knowledgeable and feels very confident that Joe Biden will win. He’s made comments about Trump that are so spot on. He’s interviewed somewhat frequently on Brian Williams’ MSNBC-TV show. Carville is a strategist; he knows how it goes. He just says it, without flowering it up. I also in former days of television when I used to see her on-air more, have liked his wife, Mary Matalin. I’d recently read that she was named PETA’s “Person of the Year” a few years ago because of her advocacy for farm animals. I think James Carville and she are based in NOLA.
They are.
Oh yes…please share the link! I need hope!! ;)
xo
I’m right beside you, trying to survive. But as for the cold and dark, it has really helped me to get through our Minnesota winters by focusing on the Winter Solstice. When we hit that mark I know that the worst darkness is behind us – and I’m praying that the darkness over our Nation will be behind us, too.
I pray the same prayer, Barbara. Unfortunately, for me, the time after the Winter Solstice is the hardest! But I’ll do my best to hang in there.
Stay safe!
I live in Detroit, MI. I cried for hours last night when I read about Trump’s awful rally in Muskegon, MI yesterday. I feel that our Governor Whitmer is a kind, compassionate and caring Governor. Her actions have most likely saved hundreds if not thousands of lives in Michigan. She has found ways to actually help school children, the poor and the unemployed. I couldn’t stop crying and had nightmares all night about Trump and his BASE screaming lock her up at that terrible rally. She doesn’t deserve this mean and spiteful treatment from Trump. His divisiveness most likely instigated the plot to kidnap our governor. Why does he continue to spew hate and evil every day? My soul is overwhelmed with sadness. So many of us who live in Michigan are decent, morally upright citizens. I pray that all of our nightmares end. Your post exemplified how so many of us desperately feel.
She certainly gets positive press coverage in Australia, and there was outrage over the plot to kidnap her. We are watching but in many ways it seems to us that the US is so divided. The hate is just awful.
It is unbelievable. I don’t think his divisiveness most likely instigated the plot, I think it DID instigate the plot. Remember “Liberate Michigan?” And now he’s doing it again. He is endangering her life and the lives of her family members.
As a born and bred Michigander who has family and friends in Michigan, I know that the good citizens far outweigh the bad, Nancy.
It’s heartbreaking and senseless and evil. HE is evil.
Stay safe.
Stay safe, Nancy.
Nancy, I now live in Indianapolis😬, after 55 years in Grand Rapids💕. My son asked me about that rally, and I told him MI is full of good people, so don’t think that is representative of the people of that state.
You have been kept safer by GW. The nasties have to have a focus target.
I am so sorry about your grief, and her very unfair targeting. It is sad to watch from afar, so I can imagine your distress.
I just wanted you to know there is someone in IN praying the good thoughts for you, and missing PURE MICHIGAN every day💕
Boy, Claudia; I wish there was something I could add to yours and all of the other comments, but I’ve been a mess for awhile now. One day blends into another yet the weeks race by, and I’m always aware they’re days I can’t get back. I hardly ever get out of my house and I’m sick of everything-Covid but I’ve tried hard to not let my guard down since I’m so susceptible to complications from the virus. I cry at the drop of a hat. I know I’m often irritable and my husband, frankly, gets that way, too. I’ve never been so attentive to ‘politics’. I just so hope that when Biden wins that I can take a real sigh of relief and then just try get from here to there … to a vaccine (although I realize I may be wearing a face mask in public for a couple of years yet, from what some of the health experts are saying).
I feel I’m living very unnaturally, and I have a spouse as stated, so I worry about his health & wellbeing, too. He’s currently testing at a lowered breathing capacity and they don’t know why. He’s had a rigorous treadmill with a cardiologist; he’s been to an allergist. Clearly, with his blood type and a breathing issue, he might not fare well with Covid … and of course it’s the age factor, too … yet it seems his ‘poll worker’ opportunity might still be back on, when we thought he hadn’t been chosen, so I’m worried about the Elections office’s setup for any of this (and how they plan to protect him), and then back to the question of how we separate from each other for as long as his stint might be if indeed he’s in contact with thousands of voters.
I haven’t been sleeping at all well and I do have the recurring dreams of forgetting to wear a mask, such that I feel very vulnerable in my dreams (nightmares). Another disappointing thing is that I had a plan for so many indoor tasks/projects but I find it very hard to concentrate on doing them.
As soon as we’re not so hot in SoCalif (we’ve been breaking heat temps all week and for so long, hot-hot-hot weather to where I wonder if cooler weather will EVER come our way and it looks like no rain for us either), I hope to at least walk around my rear yard or sit on the back porch in the sun, because I know my senses aren’t filled in what I’m seeing or smelling or hearing or touching. I guess the only good thing lately is that both my husband and I have actually LOST weight rather than gaining despite our too-often lack of fresh veggies and fruits from trying to reduce our viral footprint and only going out to stores when absolutely needed.
I think one thing keeping me going is the proverbial bucket list of all I want to do AFTER a vaccine, after the world has some kind of real grip on the virus – – just all the small and large things I can’t do now, from a lingering-fun-retail therapy outing, to actual travel to somewhere significant; so, because of this, it’s incentive to stay healthy and stay strong physically so that I’m ready to roll as soon as we get a green light. Just keep reminding myself that Covid isn’t forever. Although it seems like forever.
One last thing: I forget I’m elderly. Rather, of the over-age-65 ‘elder’ population. Hydration was always important with this age and age-group; have I forgotten everything I’ve learned when I was taking care of my aging parents? I realized yesterday that I hadn’t put down any kind of liquid inside me for an entire half of a day, yet wondering why I was so distracted, fractious and ‘off’. My stomach was even cramping weirdly. So I sat down with an enticing tall, clear glass of bottled spring water on ice and, wow, did I feel better afterward. Getting dehydrated is no joke and can come upon a person so quickly.
Also, Claudia, while your weather is still good enough, you are lucky to have somewhere on your own property to walk. I have no place near me where I can do it except around my tacky subdivision where, from what I’ve observed for eight months, most of my neighbors don’t wear masks as they come and go (although maybe they do once they get to a destination; have to hope so; yet they continue to have family parties and gatherings which seem to include people of multiple households and not just their own). My husband actually walks our dog in the middle of the roadway to avoid the driveways and sidewalks of the dense housing block. I’m just praying for that winter beach when there’d ever be fewer people in their motorhomes and trailers. I need to get to the ocean; soonest. Every parking/lookout spot that we’ve felt is ‘ours’ over the years has been taken up by not just weekenders, but also weekday trippers; since, apparently, so many people are out of work, OR it’s a way for ‘seniors’ to self-contain (so can’t blame them); also, a lot of young people at the shore because obviously they’re not on a school campus. The beaches have been so full.
Sobering article in The New York Times yesterday, “As the Coronavirus Surges, a New Culprit Emerges: Pandemic Fatigue” with the ending paragraph, ‘The challenge ahead … would be convincing people that they need to take significant steps — all over again — to slow down spread that could be even worse than before … we’re trying to get people to change their behavior back to being more socially distanced and more restrictive with their contacts (Dr. Michael Landrum of Green Bay in Wisconsin). There’s been a false sense of complacency. And now it’s just a lot harder to do that.’ (The basic bent of the article was about “a public weariness and a growing tendency to risk the dangers of the coronavirus, out of desire or necessity” [because there seems to be no end in sight with the virus]; “The rituals of hope and unity that helped people endure the first surge of the virus have given way to exhaustion and frustration … health officials say the growing impatience is a new challenger as they try to slow the latest outbreaks, and it threatens to exacerbate what they fear is turning into a devastating autumn … if the spring was characterized by horror, the fall has become an odd mix of resignation and heedlessness.”) As someone else quoted in the article says, “Fear has been replaced with fatigue.” And another saying that people “have had enough”. Also, “Sick people are telling contact tracers they picked up the virus while trying to return to ordinary life.” People are tired of being inconvenienced.
So, it’s where we are and just can’t be. To echo what you tell us daily, Claudia, I just hope everyone tries to stay safe in our stressed-out world.
Yes, I read that. The same thing happened with the Spanish Flu. People got tired of all the safety measures and they let their guard down. That’s something Don and I remind ourselves of frequently. We can’t let our guard down.
xo
I know how quickly one can become dehydrated. It happens to me. I drink a lot of water nowadays and have been doing so for a couple of years.
It’s a tough time, to say the very least.
Stay safe, Vicki.
2021 can’t come soon enough.
Amen, Brenda.
Stay safe.
You are so right about the changing seasons — especially summer-into-fall and fall-into-winter is having the same effect on me. I think it is the foreshadowing of what is to come — many months of being more or less inside with less non-familial or non-bubble companionship than before. Visits will be harder outside or in the garage — at least shorter. And holidays — the thought of it can send me into meltdown. As well as I do solo, it’s because I have so many interests and hobbies. But some of those I often do with others — creating art with others, wine group, book club. I haven’t missed much except the art-partner yet. But I have a feeling I will miss them all much more in the next seven months or so.
Like everywhere, our numbers are up. Way up. It will be a long winter. And only worse if the election goes poorly. So much to worry about.
But I love being here in the blog world. Sharing the beautiful spot I visited last week, visiting friends right here, like you. Admiring all they do. Those dollhouses take my breath away. You came into my head as I was purching the art room the other day. I found these craft sticks that are half the width of regular ones. I used them for thick glue I couldn’t brush to spread. But they are thinner. I think I probably got them at a Starbuck’s on the road — stirrers. I have a ton of them (Let me know if you’re interested — Happy to send them on).
We’ll get through. We must get through. Meanwhile, it’s day to day, one at a time. And now I’m off to make chili — and tonight at 7 we will watch Don on Law and Order (WE TV.) It would be my second sighting in a week or two!
Thanks, Jeanie, but I have a ton of them, too! You’re sweet to think of me.
We will get through. We have no choice. Have fun watching my sweetheart on L & O! He’s done several of them (as has every other NYC actor!)
Hey, Jeanie, do you have Jerry’s email address? There is going to be Zoom get-together of Thespians from our time in high school in November. I’d love for him to have the chance to be there.
Stay safe.
Hi Claudia,
I don’t want to put it online but if you contact me (jeanie@wkar.org) happy to send it along!
I got it via your FB message, Jeanie. Thank you!
I find I am so sad lately too Claudia. Most people I know have the same feelings. We just have to continue to do the right thing (re;the virus) & know that our votes have counted & we did all we could to help Biden get the win. OM is a terribly evil human being & sooner or later, he’ll get his due. Hopefully, sooner. The scientists are going to find a vaccine. That’s a given, it’s just a matter of time. There’s just got to be some hope somewhere in this mess of 2020!!
I find a glass of wine, or a cocktail, nightly, before dinner, really helps! Nothing excessive, but just something to calm me down.
I’m so happy the weather here in OB is finally beginning to cool down. It’s been too hot for too long. Finally, a break. You’re so lucky to have definite seasons! I so miss them. I always remind myself that each season is really only about 3 months long…
Be well and know you’re NOT alone!! It’s hopefully, almost behind us….
Winter seems to be about 5 months long, Priscilla.
Well, we have sugar-free chocolates instead of wine as neither Don or drink. But chocolate? That helps.
Stay safe.
I am sorry I forgot you 2 don’t drink Pls forgive me! Choc will certainly replace any alcohol though!
I do know winter is longer than 3 months & my sensibilities are not very accurate today. Again, hopefully you’ll pardon my words
Oh my goodness! No problem. There’s nothing to pardon! xoxo
Whew!! Have a good rest of the day
xo
2020! What can we say? (What haven’t we said!)
I’m a summer-loving gardener who gets sad every autumn as I watch my plants disappear and bare earth take their place. There are people who LIKE Fall. Go figure! On the other hand, the seasons have taught me to be philosophical about the yearly cycle of bloom, harvest, and dormancy. There is nothing I look forward to more than Spring!
Knowing that our treasured summery outdoorsy social interactions are coming to a cold frosty close with no end in sight, yet, is very hard. I know that science is working hard on a safe and effective vaccine, but it won’t come in time to save the holidays. Don’t get me started.
Things that help: You, Claudia, and this wonderful group. Also, Heather Cox Richardson who, with her daily Letter From an American and her weekly live lectures on Facebook, leavens the horrendous events of 2020 with a historical perspective and always ends with her belief that our democracy will correct itself yet again. I seem to be addicted to political podcasts like Pod Save America and the Lincoln Project–which can be a good thing or a bad thing. Voting (by mail) has let me rest my overactive brain just enough to sleep better. Mostly I vent, and then refuse to give THEM rent in my brain. I somehow keep believing that the better angels in all our natures are still possible.
My plans for post-election day are twofold. One, perfect my margarita-making skills. Two, start making donuts as good as my dad’s.
Hang in there and remember that we are not alone. Thank heavens for little tiny dollhouses to retreat into!
Stay safe.
Love those podcasts, Roxie. Also The New Abnormal is a good one as well.
Stay safe!
Claudia, how lovely that you can share your tears and release them with your husband. It sure has been a year. My sweet mom would always hug and say “Let it out” “Let it go” Hugs to you
Thank you so much, Kathy.
Stay safe!