Mockingbird Hill Cottage

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Empty

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This is my favorite photo of Riley and Scout. I have a framed version of it that is now sitting on the piano, along with Riley’s collar and some locks of his hair.

Thank you. Your loving comments on yesterday’s post were a great comfort to me. Some of you sent private emails. Some of you took the time to send poems and writings about the loss of pets. Brenda wrote a beautiful post. I will not ever be able to tell you how much all of you mean to me. I will read your loving, compassionate words over and over and they will help me during this time of loss. My dear neighbor, who lost both of her dogs last year, brought over homemade chocolate chip cookies. I am blessed.

My heart is breaking, I can’t stop crying, I feel empty inside. I can hardly bear to look at the rug where Riley was stationed so much of the time during the last several months. I can’t conceive that he’s gone and I want him back.

Right after I arrived home from Hartford a few months ago, this cottage became a hospice for Riley. And since then, I have devoted all of my time to taking care of him, moving us all to the living room where we could be together and where I could quickly respond to his needs. I don’t want any pats on the back for that. I simply did what I had to do and would do all over again for my boy. But because of that, I don’t know what to do with myself now. I don’t know where to turn. I sit here, enveloped in grief, knowing I should find something to do, but I’m unable to move. I just want to take care of Riley again. I want to stroke his head and tell him what a wonderful boy he is and tell him that we love him forever.

I know that our pets are often spoken of in these words: they are like our children. But you see, my dogs are my children. There’s no “like” in my description of them. I never had biological children. My dogs have always been and will always be my children. So I mourn the passing of my baby, my child. Who will take care of him? No one knows him like I do. I’m his mom. I’m the only one who can take care of him. These are the words I cry out to Don as we sit on the sofa and grieve for our boy.

I never got over losing our dog, Winston. I will never get over losing Riley.

When Winston suddenly died at the young age of eight, I went into a mild depression. Scout kept me going because I had to make sure she was loved and cared for. Now she has outlived another sibling and, at the age of 13, she’ll keep me going again. Because caring for Riley took so much of my time and energy, she didn’t always get the attention she deserved. I plan on making it up to her.

Bear with me as I move through this period of mourning. Blogging will help, I know. But right now, I can’t get excited about anything.

I want to start our “A Favorite Thing” party, but I think I’ll wait one more week, if that’s alright with all of you. It will be officially on Saturdays, but the post will be up on Friday evening, giving you some extra time to post if Saturday is inconvenient. I also have to attend to the final details of my move to WordPress. I’m excited about the new look of the blog and I think you’ll like it. Don’t worry, it will be the same old MHC,  just in a new home. But because of that move and a book review I have scheduled for next week, we’ll delay the party a week. That means it will officially start on Saturday, September 1st.

I may not post every day. But I’ll be here.

Thank you again. Say a prayer for my Riley.

Comments

  1. So sorry to read this sad news Claudia, be kind to yourself during these most difficult of days. Sending you a big hug from far far away xx

  2. Dear Claudia,
    I just read your post about Riley. I am so sorry :(
    I know how it feels to loose a pet, one you love so much. Our sweet Kona passed away 4 years ago now and we still can not bring our self to have another pet around the house. We have her photo framed and it is always on the coffee table. We had her cremated and still have her ashes. She was best friends with our daughters boxers and her Lola is very sick now, so when Lola passes we are going to put them together, not sure where yet.
    WE love our pets like we love people, they bring such joy to our lives. Sending you very big hugs, Elizabeth

  4. I can very much relate to your dogs as your life and your kids. I’ve never had children of my own, either. A shame I finally came out of because of my dog Frankie– because of her realizing this was my destination, to love dogs and animals. To be a mentor to others which Frankie and I did.
    I remember three days later after Frankie passed, like you, I just couldn’t stop crying. I thought I might be going a bit crazy. I said something to my husband that I couldn’t understand why I keep crying. HE said, “Barb, you lost your child. Frankie was like a child.” He understood and that truly helped me.
    When we care and love someone so deeply there is going to be this pain that seems as if it will swallow us whole. I’ve lost many pets in my life, all difficult, but Frankie was my toughest one to lose to date. She was my whole life– my work– my passion.
    I share this with you, Claudia to give you hope that the pain will subside– the good memories will start to flood your mind– and you will smile again. Give yourself all the time you need… and know there are so many that understand. I do. I care, and am thinking of you.
    Barbara Techel

  5. Hello Claudia, prayers are sent up for Riley, I can see him running and playing in such a peaceful place. Our pets are family, a piece of our heart forever broken when they pass on,but will heal in time. Hug your pets, hold them tight and they will be forever grateful. Blessings Francine.

  6. Oh Claudia I am so sorry. There just aren’t words. When our beloved lab had to be put down my husband and I layed over her and just balled. The vet was even crying so I know it can be so emotional. It is so hard to see all their things around the house. You are in my thoughts. Hope you all are feeling at peace because you really loved and cherished Riley so much.

  7. More hugs coming your way … Riley knew he was loved and what a blessing. Our family believes that animals go to heaven so I picture Riley running and playing, healthy and happy, and so very thankful to you and Don for the safe loving home you provided. Mary

  8. I can’t help crying for your sorrow, Claudia. Been there and I know exactly what you’re saying. It hurts. I wish so much you could find comfort right now, but it just plain hurts too bad. Perhaps in time, Scout will help you to find comfort in loving her.

  9. Oh my goodness Claudia, it was gut wrenching to read this today. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss.
    Keep busy, that is all you can do. You are in my prayers!
    XO Kris

  10. Claudia, it’s me again. I know how empty you must feel. I have lost many pets that I loved so very much. There is not a day that goes by that my husband and I are not reminded of a lost pet. It usually is just a chuckle over something happening and reminds us of our times with said pet. Time will help with your pain but you never forget or stop missing that loved one. Please find comfort that Riley is now running and playing with all my lost pets and that I know my Dad is up in heaven caring for them all. It is better to love and lose a pet than not have loved at all.

    Michle

  12. Dear Claudia,

    I often read your precious blog, but rarely comment. I logged on yesterday and balled my eyes out reading about your sweet Riley. I am so very sorry for your loss Claudia. I understand how painful this grief can be. I am thinking of you.

    ~Julie

  13. Dear Claudia and Don, my heart is broken over the loss of your sweet child Riley. I feel your sadness. Joe and I are attached to our babies and we both have known loss. Joe did not get Shelley until twenty years after he lost High Boy because his heart was torn apart. Thinking and praying for your family, Olive

  14. Oh Claudia, I am so sorry for your loss. I am just catching up today and I feel so bad for you. Us pet lovers know exactly how you are feeling because we have been where you are. The pain is unbearable it seems and will never end. but time does help and I know that I always take comfort that all of my pets that have gone on before me , will be with me again one day. That is just what I believe and no one can tell me different because I know it in my heart. It gets me through it. I hope that it gets a little easier for you with each passing day. Just know that you gave him all the love you could give and he loved you the same. Please take care….Hugs, Patti

  15. My Marley left me the same day as your Riley. He had autoimmune hemolytic anemia, and was home and doing well, until Sunday when he took a turn for the worse. He went very peacefully in my arms. My dogs are my children too I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry for mine. Sorry, sorry. Riley was a beautiful boy. Sending you a big hug. Love, Linda

  17. We lost our Kasha, a 13 year old border collie this year. It was tough, really tough… I can still get worked up about it. I have to think about something else when she pops to mind. However, we have another dog, also 13 and she is doing well, but getting older so we decided to adopt a dog from Texas. She’s a sweetheart, too, and loving as the day is long. This year my two daughters also adopted dogs – one from Tennessee and another one from Texas. I called all the Humane Societies in Texas and saw the dogs they had online and then I just paid them with a credit card.$75. and got a transporter to pick them up.All three of us are happy with our newly adopted dogs. We were on a dog craze for a while there. But we still love our Kasha – eating lots of steaks with the Lord right now. She had a stroke at the end and couldn’t get up at all. I meant this email to empathize with you and to cheer you up. Not sure I accomplished that but my prayer are with you today. Best wishes, Linda

  18. Oh Claudia, this broke my heart to hear your very sad news of Reilly. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, and my prayers sent up for both you and Reilly during this difficult time. ((love -n- big hugs)) ~tina

  19. I hold you close to my heart Claudia. I know Riley is being well-cared for now as he’s in the next best place after his wonderful years in your home and under your care. You will always love him, he’ll know that you are thinking of him the same way as you always have…….it will just be from a distance.

    Take care of you now – the rest will fall back into place later. That certainly is a special photo of your babes – just perfect.

    Mary X

  20. Claudia that feeling of “Where do I turn?” is all part of the grieving process.

    When I lost our Duffy and Penny I was in limbo. It will be a year on Dec. 6th and March 6th. since we lost our babies and although we now have Rufus and Daisy my heart still feels empty.

    Just hold onto Scout and let her comfort you. You will never get over the loss but our human instincts make us “Carry On.”

    hugs dear friend,
    Sue

  23. Oh Claudia, my heart breaks for you and Don and Scout. I went through a very similar time with my forever Badger…and then Dewey, his older brother. The last couple of years of their lives they were very ‘special needs’, so much hands-on, and Badger will always be by my side, as are your beloved Winston and now Riley. Even with one still ‘at home’ that emptiness echoes the loneliest refrain I have ever heard…Sending you love and light and PEACE and another shoulder to lean on.

  26. My heart is breaking for you, Claudia. It’s as if you were sitting right here with me speaking these words. We never get over the pets we lose…they are definitely our children and our best friends. I’m glad you have Scout to keep you and Don company. Know that I am thinking of you.

    XO,
    Jane

  27. I am reading your blog and the comments people have left, and I’m crying. My wonderful lab mix, Jasper, who was a dog my daughter rescued, and then we adopted, came over to me and laid his head on my lap. He is so sensitive to my feelings and such a wonderful dog that I know, without a doubt, that dogs have a soul, and when they leave us, they go over that Rainbow Bridge, and are running happily again.
    I spent the last year of my 17 3/4 year old dog’s life, caring for her, like you cared for Riley. It was hard, but I don’t regret a minute of it.
    These dogs are family, and they deserve to be loved and cared for.
    You gave Riley so much love and care, and gave him a wonderful life.
    Scout will help you move on and will need lots of hugs.
    nancyr

  28. Probably your plan to concentrate on the dog you still have… And to sort of make-up for the possible lesser attention, while you were caring for the dear sick one…

    Just wishing you to move through your grieving, and onward to peace, as soon as it is possible, for you.

    Don’t worry about blogging, unless it helps you. YOU are the most important project right now. Your life has a hole in it, and you have to discover a way to fill in that hole.

    And to be able to again, notice and appreciate all, which you do still have, in your life.

    Gentle hugs,
    “Auntie”

  30. You must mourn and grieve and cry. Then you will be able to turn to life again. When the time is right you will feel joy at the memories and gratitude that you were able to give Riley such a good life. And remember that even though you may not blog, we are here.

  32. No words can express how bad I am feeling for you and your husband..It never gets easier either…we have had to put down 3 of our babies in the 39 years we have been married but this last one just about killed me I missed her so much and I could NOT even go in my home where she greeted me every day for almost a week..I still have her hunk of hair..her favorite blanket and her collar…we do have 2 other dogs now but no one will replace my buffie in my heart…I feel for you I really do!! I will pray for comfort for you..Carol

  33. Claudia, I have cried with you, and I have cried for you, these last few days. I look at your radiant face in the wedding photos, and I want that smile on your face again. It will take time. Your words have me crying again. I wish I could put my arms around you. I love you, my friend. I love you.
    Brenda

  34. Claudia, my first experience with death as an adult was when our beloved , shepherd, Ziggy, died. Although I had two young children at the time, it hit me hard because we always considered him our first child. It took a long time to get that hollow feeling to go away. Give yourself time. Riley is watching over you with gratitude and love. Ann

  35. Dear Claudia (and Don)
    I hope you are embracing today…giving Scout extra love and attention( I know you do already)…but she will be a comfort to you as you grieve for Riley.
    You all grieve and take time to do it…busy-ness will come.
    Take all the time you need out for blogging too. We totally understand.

    –Pat

  36. Loss truly is never easy. This morning I had the awful task of disposing of the body of a little cat that died from malnutrition. I told her how sorry I was that I couldn’t do more for her. So many feral cats that I feed every day and yet somehow she didn’t get the food that she needed. It is such a hard life for those little street cats. Riley was so loved and such a very lucky dog to have had you, Don and Scout as his family. Hugs and blessings, Tammy

  37. I have been wanting to comment and waited and waited to find the right words to not make you cry more….your baby is gone I am so so sorry Claudia. Everybody is probably telling you their experience of loosing their pet. Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow and the weeks to come it’s about you and your husband and Scout, not about what we experienced when we lost our pet. Scout will need you more then ever. Hugs Rita

  38. Claudia,
    I am confident that Riley is playing over the “Rainbow Bridge”, he is running and jumping and having a grand ole’ time.
    When I lost 3 pets within 6 months of each other what got me through was knowing they were over the Bridge and all together.
    I hope it can do the same for you.

  39. It’s OK to not get over Riley. It’s OK to be depressed. It’s OK to be anything your heart tells you, it’s your heart and no one elses. You know what’s right & how it feels.

    Bless Scout for helping you through.

    We’re just on our way, going to light a candle here for Riley, well, for all of you to help carry you through, Claudia.
    xoxo~Tracie

  40. I don’t even know what to write because I am bawling (again). I am praying for you because I do believe that God in His wisdom has a perfect care-free home for Riley. He is running free through fields of shining green…ears flying….coat sun burnished and happy as can be. Blessings- xo Dina

  42. Having Scout to love helps. Oh how I remember the pain after Heidi died. to walk by and see where her bed was and it was gone was more than I could bear. The tears and heartache will turn into a smile or laugh when u and Don talk about Riley

  43. I had to break my summer rule and pop by to leave my condolences about Riley. I have been reading and keeping up to date most of the summer while on break. My heart and prayers go out to you and Don at this time. You gave him a great home and peaceful life. Scout will help heal your souls. Hugs, Kate

  44. Claudia,
    I am so saddened to hear of the loss of your precious Riley. I still mourn the loss of our beloved fur babies. Their lives seem so short but I just know that Riley’s life was filled with much love and joy and you made Riley feel part of your family. Sending you love and sympathy in this difficult time.

    blessings,
    Danielle

  45. When our 13 yo Malamute Shadow died last year, his 9 yo brother Beau Jangles was devastated. Beau had been raised w/him all his life, Shadow even taught him to talk and cry like Malamutes do, they roamed the property together. Beau would go to where Shadow had been last and just stand there. I finally brought him in and he laid right down and let out a huge sigh and went to sleep, comforted knowing he was close to us. So at this time hold Scout close, he’ll comfort you so much.

  46. Claudia…we don’t know each other but I wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry for your loss. I have also felt the pain of losing a beloved dog/child. I have a dog/child at this time who has multiple health problems that the vet says mean he has very little time. I have also organized my life to care for him. He is my beloved. As I see it, the only fault dogs have is that they die. After I lost my little Bailey, I swore I would never have another dog because of the pain. Yet here I am again. Crying because of your pain and dreading my own to come. I really just wanted to acknowledge your loss and let you know that I’m among those who understand your pain and wish you didn’t have to go through it. Sorry if I sound like a blabbing idiot. Sending you and Don and Scout love from me and Charlie and Lola. xoxo
    Bev

  47. Dear Claudia,

    I had to comment to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. Our pets are our children in our house, too, and we lost 2 of the 3 this summer. It is incredibly hard – I still think I see or hear them sometimes. But it hurts a little less with each passing day, and we shower the one that’s left with all the love that we have. And that helps.

    My prayers and thoughts for you and Riley.

    Cori

  48. When we ost our dog a couple years ago…….I missed her so much. Just walking by the couch where she always was made it even worse. It will take time for all of you….and you will still feel the sadness. I don’t hsve any words that can help but know we are all here and thinking and praying for you. XO

  50. From the huge response to your post it is clear there are many who appreciate the close relationship we have with our animals. My pets are my only ‘children’ too so I really do sympathise. It sounds like Riley was a very lucky dog to have found a home with you and I am sure he is happy in doggy heaven, until you meet again.

  51. I had dreaded the day I would open your blog and find this message. Please know we are all sad and weeping with and for you. Take good care of yourself and don’t even think about “getting over” your love.
    Kathy in Mukilteo, WA

  52. Dear Claudia,

    My heart is aching for you for right now. I know the pain of losing a beloved member of your family. I really understand how deeply your loss is because my dogs Kaya and Kensie are my children. I never had biological children either. My dogs fill my need to nurture and my dogs and I have a deep bond. I’m not discounting other’s grief because people with children bond very deeply with their pets. It is so deeply sad that this time has come to let Riley go. He was a beautiful boy. I love the photo you posted.

    I just read this post and will read what you wrote yesterday. I’ve been away from blogland for awhile. I know how much you want him back and how it must seem surreal that he isn’t physically there any more. You have a lot of support. Keep writing and sharing your feelings. Sending you lots of love and big cyber hugs. I wish our furbabies lived longer lives.

  54. Oh Claudia…I will say a prayer for Riley and for all of you. I am so sorry for what you are going through and having been through it myself several times I know how awful it is and how bad it HURTS. They are a huge part of your family and your life. Riley was blessed to have you and you were blessed to have him…XO

  56. I cry every time I think of your loss, Claudia. Riley was, and still is your child. I lost my Pumpkin three years ago. She wasn’t a really affectionate dog. but in the last part of her life I had to carry her everywhere and she would lay her head on my shoulder to let me know she loved me. Right after she was gone, I sat down on my bed and was crying. I felt her presence come into my room and she laid her head on my shoulder and then she was gone. She wanted to let me know she was okay. I know that Riley is in good hands. He is no longer sick anymore and is running around in Heaven. I am thinking of and praying for you, Claudia. I hope you find peace soon for the loss of your baby.

    Hugs,
    Laura

  57. It grieves me such sadness and I just want to send a big hug for all three. I have no words to comfort you but I’m pleading for you to find the inner peace that we all need to fight in this life.
    Kisses.
    Adelina

  58. You’re in my thoughts today. The photo of Riley and Scout is perfect. I love the way the light creates a soft glow around them. May god’s light and love surround you and hold you as you cry tender tears and mourn for Riley. He truly is a beautiful boy. I choose to believe there is a rainbow bridge where we will all be reunited with the power of love, light and kindness. You are a beautiful soul filled with kindness creativity love and laughter. I love the way you embrace it all and share it so eloquently on your blog. Your authenticity shines through. You are beautiful and graceful. I visited Brenda’s blog and read the beautiful posts that she wrote about grief. The photos of you and Don are gorgeous! What a stunning bride! Keep shining your light Claudia and thank you again for sharing your sorrow. We are all holding you in light and love.

    Love, Sandy

  61. Dear Claudia,
    Who could read your post and not shed tears for your grief? I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful life you gave your sweet Riley!

    I read a quote that said,”It came to me that ever time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous & loving as they are.”

    May you find peace & comfort during this difficult time. Sending warm thoughts your way, :-) Hali

  62. I know Riley is happy, healthy and running around there across the Rainbow Bridge. I am positive that Winston was waiting for him! They are having a blast and you do not need to worry about him. They will have fun and lots of love until you meet again. I fully truly believe that.

  64. I hope caring for Scout will be the distraction you need now, Claudia. As a friend once told me, after a loss, there is no getting back to normal because normal has been redefined. I hope you’ll find ways to cope with the sadness as you settle into your new normal.

  66. Claudia, I truly believe that all dogs go to heaven and that Riley is watching over you and will be waiting for you! He is happy, at peace and free from pain – I wish the same for you, my friend!

  67. Dear Claudia,

    My heart breaks for you. I know the pain of letting go of a dearly beloved pet. I weep with you and my prayers are with you . Take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you’re ready to come back.

    God’s Peace be with you,

    Cassandra from ‘Renaissance Women’

  68. Oh Claudia, my heart breaks for you. I know no words can make you feel less pain and emptiness, but I’m so very sorry for your loss. Xoxo.

  69. Oh Claudia, When you said you lost your little boy, I just cried and cried because that is what I call my Louie. Know that I am thinking about you and Don. Hugs and Love to you.

  71. Oh, Claudia:
    This kind of pain takes a while to process. Grief is such a powerful, all-encompassing emotion. You wrote, “No one knows him like I do.” God does. For you and for Riley, He has made him whole again. I hope you find comfort in these words. When Fezzie died, I clung to the fact that he was whole and perfect again…and that God promises that I’ll be with him again when God takes me to be with him. You’ll be with Riley and Winston, and all your loved ones when it’s time. I know that leaves you with empty arms now, but I hope it helps you and that each day gets a little easier. I love the picture, too. Happier times. That’s good.
    xoxo
    Donna

  72. My thought are with you Claudia as you move through this very difficult time. Our pets are our children. Precious memories, how they linger, how they ever flood my soul….one of my favorite hymns because it means so much.
    Keeping you close to my heart.
    Sharon

  73. Oh Claudia, I am so sorry. I hadn’t been on your blog for a while and I just read your latest post.. I almost felt like I knew him just from all the sweet pictures you have posted of him. Thank you Claudia for sharing beautiful sweet Riley with us. My heart breaks for you and everyone that loved him. I will keep You all in our prayers.
    Blessings and comfort, Joanne

  74. I’ve followed your blog with great enjoyment for the last few months -even the hard stories about your precious boy. I just returned from vacation and see the news about Riley. I hope it helps to know that all of us dog lovers are shedding tears for you and hoping that memories of those beautiful brown eyes will bring you comfort. Riley is happy and running in the sunshine until you’re together again.

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