Sometimes when I walk around the yard and gardens, camera in hand, I will find myself seeking out insect life. I like to get pictures of bees and ants and unnamed bugs living in and among the flowers. That’s what happened the other day when I ventured out of my sick bed for a little exploration.
I’ve been observing the bumblebees, especially in terms of the coneflowers. I’ve got tons of coneflowers here. I’ll watch them land on the flower and leave in a split second if the flower isn’t ready for them. The available pollen has to be at a certain level, I think. And visually, their preferred coneflowers do seem to have a plusher-looking cone, which must mean the pollen is ripe for the picking. I could watch them for hours.
I’ve seen my friend, the Hummingbird Moth, flitting in and around all the flowers. Don, in fact, thought it was a hummingbird. I have a lot of flowers that attract hummingbirds here in the garden, but I can count on about 3 fingers the times I have seen one on the property. But I’m sure happy to see the Hummingbird Moth back again.
This particular bug, the one that I’ve got, keeps hanging on. I’m feeling better overall, but every morning I end up feeling clammy and sweaty. I also have a LOT of congestion. Whether the two things are related or not, I’m not sure. As the day goes on, I feel better, but I find myself taking a nap or two. Don tells me I have to patient and take it easy.
Do not like.
And my father, always a difficult man, has ratcheted things up in the ‘difficult department.’ He’s impossible at the moment. Mean emails, bad decisions, childish behavior, lies…you name it. I think that when Mom was alive, the daily schedule he had, the visits to Mom, all of that kept him in check and focused. And he was terrifically devoted to her – no one could have done better. Now that she’s gone and he no longer has that daily routine, he has reverted back to the kind of behavior that, sadly, we saw all the time when we were younger. It pushes every button I’ve got and then some. Trying to find compassion instead of anger at the moment.
It isn’t easy.
Send some good thoughts our way, will you?
Happy Tuesday.
You poor thing! Feeling icky and now Dad issues. You are probably so right that his changed schedule, plus grief, is now making him nutty on various levels. Sending you sweet thoughts and prayers this morning.
Thanks, Dottie.
Ah Claudia, sorry you are still feeling crummy (or wimbly)…hoping it all leaves you soon. And, so sorry about your Dad issues. I’ll bet you’re right that it is his change in schedule and his grief. And, age does funny things to people. Your bug pictures are beautiful. I watched an interesting beetle the other day (about 4x the size of a Japanese Beetle and quite pretty) attempting to bury itself in the ground by our patio. The ground has been dry and so hard…it was a difficult dig. Recently a tiny frog has come to a pool of water by our patio…so cute. Sending you good wishes.
Yes. It’s as if all the bad behavioral problems my Dad has have been intensified to the max.
Did that beetle finally get to go underground?
Not sure if he made it underground nor not. I had to go inside and when I came back the ground was more disturbed where he had been. I didn’t want to poke around in case I disturbed him…so not sure if he was successful or went on to another location. It was fascinating to watch him though. I wish I had grabbed my camera to take a picture of him.
That would have been a neat photo, Vera.
Claudia, Last year I took photos of the hummingbird moth. It does seem much like a real bird. I love how much the bees hang on the cone flowers. xoxo,Susie
Those bees are almost drunk on all that pollen, Susie.
Her last few years, my mom was always calling the police on us! We were thinking of taking her phone away from her, but she finally couldn’t manage to dial it anymore. Then things got quiet. She lived in care, so it wasn’t like she needed to make horrid calls to the police and to my sisters and I. It is very difficult to deal with these years. We never did find a solution, we just had to ride the waves. And it is always more difficult when you yourself aren’t feeling well. Feel better soon. I think the congestion must have something to do with it if you feel worse in the morning and better as the day moves on. When you are up and moving and getting that congestion to move out. So take your naps and hopefully you will feel better soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Tana
We are starting to think he needs to be in Assisted Living but he will have none of it. Also worried about him driving. He will be 91 in September and he’s losing it a bit. He’s actually done pretty well up until lately. I know he’s scared and not well and his perceptions are all off and that’s hard for him.
Thanks for your kind thoughts, Tana.
We have a few neighborhood Hummingbirds. They always come up to me while watering with the hose…scares me when it happens. They are so cute and sweet, just like the Dove that sits on my front porch. She listens while I talk to her.
My parents are both gone…I live a stress free life.
Now the neighbor lady is another story! The other day she was screaming my name. Not at the front door, not on the patio…found her locked in my dark garage…she thought the button on the wall was a door bell and pushed it! She wanted to tell me she is being put in a home and didn’t know where or how she was going to get there on Tuesday. Today is Tuesday!!! Maybe I should offer to drive her. I need a lesson on compassion! Your dad sounds like my mother. I will keep you in my thoughts today.
Oh, that poor lady. Is she really being put in a home? Or is it a fantasy? Oh boy.
Sending positive vibes to all of you. It is so difficult when the parent wants to be the unruly child and the “child” has to be the adult, for the both of them. The grieving process is such a roller coaster and all get a ride whether we request it or not. Is there any type of volunteer position your father could take on to give him purpose and fill the empty hours? Perhaps the facility where your mother spent her last days could benefit from his volunteering to help with something. Just a thought :-) Hope the days get easier for you all~
He was doing that, visiting people in the nursing home, for a while. We encouraged him in that. But I’m not sure if he’s doing that anymore.
Sorry you are still feeling puny (my mom’s favorite word), Claudia. Sending healing wishes your way for a quick recovery, but please follow Don’s advice to be patient and take it easy! I’m really enjoying your lovely garden pictures. I am so sorry to hear about your dad, and praying for you and Don. I know it must be so painful.
xxoo, Martha
It is. I’m trying to handle it all with grace, but I’m only human. Meredith and I can use each other as sounding boards and a source of support and that helps a great deal.
Claudia, great photos. Do you have a special lens you use for those close ups? I am so sorry about the Dad issues. My brother is an alcoholic and so I’m well aware of how they can be. My brother has lost his wife and children to his behavior. Mom and I are trying to be there for him now as he has stopped drinking and is finally take some responsibility for his actions. It is so hard! Keeping you and Mere in my thoughts and prayers. As Don says rest and give it time, you will feel better.
hugs!!
Linda
I use the close-up/macro setting on my everyday lens.
I’m taking it easy for sure today, Linda.
I love our hummingbirds…they keep a coming as long as I keep their feeders full! My sons have taken pics of them….so beautiful! So sorry to hear the news about your Dad. I have to summon up every ounce of compassion and
patience in dealing with my Mom…and she’s in a nursing facility. But, I talk with her daily, and get a good sense where her head is at. Lately, a lot of bad memories have been surfacing, and that’s all she dwells on…which in turn brings back some bad memories for me. So I’m sending you lots of positive energy your way…and extra patience! ;)
Thank you, Donnamae.
Your bug shots are fun, Claudia. Sorry about your dad; it sure is tough to watch this happen to folks. Often dementia behaves this way. Its hard to know how to deal with it, but sometimes the meds for depression can help….just in case your family hasn’t thought of this. I watched my brother-in-law’s behaviour become downright lecherous in his final years. Especially maddening when he said horrible things about my young daughters as well as his daughters and myself. His docs put him on Zoloft, and that seemed to help him (us) alot. Take care.
He’s on meds, as was my mom. Unfortunately, this is just behavior that he’s always exhibited – just much more intense.
It would be wonderful if a compassionate nurse at the facility where your mom was could intervene and encourage your dad. Even if just a bit of a fib, tell him someone at the nursing home asks about him and looks forward to his visits. Sometimes we all need a gentle nudge. Not to be pushy, but perhaps you could send out a “feeler” email to the nursing home administrator and ask for a bit of assistance. In my younger years, not wanting to appear needy, I would NEVER ask for anyone’s help. The dysfunction in my own family caused me to be fiercely independent. Now that I am older, I realize it is not a symptom of being weak to reach out to others. You are so very fortunate to have a loving sister to confide in! That is a true blessing. We are all human and have our faults. With age comes wisdom—so I am told—all you can do is love your father and try to not allow his situation to consume you. Enjoy your life and if you believe in prayer, ask a higher power to guide him in a direction toward peace. Find some happy today and concentrate on that :-)
Thanks, Jeannine.
Pretty bug pictures Claudia..except the spider..when I see a spider I scream..I guess it’s all of their bad publicity..lol..So sorry about Dad..it has to be heartbreaking to make the decision to force them to do something they don’t want to..do you suspect that he is drinking again..of course you don’t have to answer that but with alcoholics you always having to wonder..My Dad drank until the day he had a heart attack and died..Hugs
Umm…Nancy? No spider up there in those pics. An ant and a red ant-like bug, but no spider!
OK..I looked closer and I see it is an ant..not a spider..
Glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better Claudia — hoping that mean old hanging around bug leaves you very soon.
I’m so sorry about your daddy. Grief (and fear) magnifies everything.
When my mother passed away, my dad became even more demanding and cranky than his usual self – pretty hard to do. He would not take NO for an answer, he would not respect my boundaries (which were paper thin at best, having never been able to please him my whole life ). His overt ill temper had nearly always been directed at my mom only and now it was coming at me, loud and clear. He was flat out mean to my boyfriend (who became my husband) – which he carried on doing until he found himself a girlfriend (25 years younger) at the age of 87! (Because she reenacted my mothers role to a T, taking care of his every wish and whim.) That’s the short version of the roller coaster ride he took us on.
Please know I’m thinking of you, sending lots of hugs. xo
He mellowed there for a while and that was a lovely interlude in this whole thing, but now, I’m sure to age and fear and ill health and grief, it’s out of control again.
On 20 July there was here in Argentina El Día del Amigo (Friend´s Day). For the lunar walk, I think. Two days later, I wish you the best. Maybe it can help a little.
My parents have passed away many years ago. My mother in law is very frailo, but not very demanding. I have little to do with her. She was not very nice to me the last 30 years. But nevertheless I help when I can.
I like the photos very much.
Thank you, Veronica.
My Dear Friend Claudia–
Get Better! I don’t like when you are feeling ill.
A walk in the fresh air…is nice. I hope you are able to walk without the mosquitoes being such a bother. I love seeing the creepy crawlies. I don’t find them so creepy really. But most people do.
We’ve had the Hummingbird Moth here…they like the Four O’clocks in the evening, dusk hours. I read the word ‘unrush’ today. I can’t remember where just now– but that is how you need to be when taking pictures of such small creatures …and flowers. Unrushed.
I’m so sorry for you having the troubles with your Dad. Grief takes on a different face for everyone. I could probably deal with all of it but the lies…:/ I have a hard time with people that lie. Having compassion in the face of a liar…is difficult.
Prayers for you Claudia.
Pat
It is difficult. The lies really, really get to me.
I love creepy crawlies and bugs and those sorts of critters. I rescue spiders from the bathtub!
Thanks, Pat.
I hope your Dad is more of the type of old grump that you can love him the way he is, and let it roll off your back. Don’t take it personally. Older people in his position are often afraid and take it out on the ones they love the most. Keep smelling the flowers to counteract his negativity!
Thanks, my friend.
Sending every good thought your way, Claudia. My siblings and I were very fortunate that we didn’t have to endure these situations with either of our parents. I’m sure it’s more difficult than we could imagine. And the more I hear about the experiences friends like you are having with their parents in this regard, the more I realize that this was one more way my mom and dad were good to us… Hope things are better soon. PS – how’re you feeling? Sinuses better?
Sinuses are not better, Janet. I’m just trying to be patient and hang in there.
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well….you have some great garden bugs. We have been seeing butterflies and hummingbird moths too! Sending healing thoughts and well wishes all around for things to settle for you!!
Thank you, Donna.
I truly think that as we get a bit older, once we get sick, rest is the only way we finally get well again. Just the way our body heals itself, I guess. Have to go with that flow, and taking a nap isn’t the worst thing in the world!! :-)
So sorry about your Dad. Both of my parents were alcoholics. My Dad died of a cardiac event and went quickly. My mom stopped drinking for the last 5 or 6 years of her life, which was truly wonderful because it did give me a chance to get to know her on a different level. She, however, had many health issues in the end and spent the last 8 months in a NH. One evening the charge nurse called to tell me she was informing everyone at the NH that she was pregnant (at 74). That “journey” is one I would not wish on anyone. You are so lucky to have Meredith to be able to talk to. Of course you know your Dad is angry and grieving and feels that he has no control over much in his life any longer ~~ but your knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. I often wonder exactly what it is that people refer to when they talk about our “golden years”?? Sadly, as someone else mentioned above, once our parents are gone, many of us do have much less stress in our lives. It is truly a paradox in so many ways.
Do get some rest. Stress tires us out more than we realize. Hope you feel better very soon.
I will, Chris. I’ve been stressed for about two weeks now and then I got sick and now Dad is acting up (and that’s putting it kindly.) So I just have to sit back, relax, and let go of what I can.
Glad you feel well enough to go out for a bit to your garden. I feel better too. I can surely relate to how your dad is behaving. I am helping care for an aunt who had a stroke in Oct. 35 years ago she could drive a semi truck as well as any man. She was a photographer with a darkroom in her house and she baked and decorated beautiful wedding cakes. She learned carpentry work and raised 3 kids along the way. She was pleasant, fun loving, adventurous and had a great sense of humor. Because the stroke left her unable to speak she is unable to express herself and her frustration has turned into stubbornness. Trying to give her a shower is hard for two people. When I get home from her house I am so worn out I usually fall asleep in my chair. But we feel blessed to still have her with us so we celebrate her good days. Hope your dad finds his way soon.
I do too, Janie. Your aunt is blessed to have you taking care of her, my friend.
So sorry about your sinuses. Nothing worse than not being able to breath in the summer heat.
I feel bad about your dad. Mine was an alcoholic until he forgot he drank. He had Alzheimers and is now gone. At least he was somewhat pleasant to be around .
It would be a blessing if he could be convinced that he missed visiting your mother at the nursing home and that he would like to move in. Sure that won’t happen as it sounds like he does know what he is doing.
That will be my mother for sure. She is already mean and drinks too much. She thinks because it is wine that is okay.
Then on the other hand my MIL is in a nursing home. She can’t stand to be touched. She cries and screams all the time. She slugged my husband the last time he visited. He was rubbing her hands trying to calm her.
I hope when I et old they have nice pills to give me.
Good luck Claudia. Hope you can block it out a little. I’m sure it’s hard for you to deal with from afar.
Feel better.
He won’t do any of that until he has to, Debby. He likes his independence and he’s hanging onto it for dear life.
It’s sure hard to get old, I know that.
I love your flower/insect photos … you definitely have patience (I don’t, lol). I’m sorry to hear things are difficult with your dad right now. Sending prayers for him, and you and Meredith too.
Thanks, Debbie.
I am sorry for your Dad troubles….but it makes me realize how good I have it. My Mom is in a nursing home and hates it but she can still smile and laugh occasionally. My sister and I had loving good parents and are grateful but still get ‘mad’ when Mom talks unkindly to her aides or complains about the food all of the time. Mom is 94. I am going to Mn. to see her on Sunday and I am going to be really nice this time and appreciate who she is.
My aunt went into assisted living a month ago and should have been in NH at that time, but everyone was scared to tell her. Now she has to be in full time care, her mind is gone (very quickly). Good luck and feel better. I know we are supposed to just ‘listen’ but I had to share. Sorry….
I hope your visit with your mom goes well, Gayle. I love both my parents but my mom’s final years were very tough and very hard on her and my dad is definitely no longer handling it well. I wish it was easier for both of them.
Claudia, I had to take a minute to leave you a comment and let you know I am holding you close in my heart and prayers.♥
My father has been gone 28 years, and my mother has lived with us the last 24 years. I am an only child, and I struggle minute to minute with how to deal with her attitudes. I will probably never get it right, but then again what is right? I pray for compassion, patience and maintaining my sanity – and to still be able to find joy.
The journey through life certainly has ups and downs.