I did lots of raking yesterday and I’m pooped today. Ah, the joys of autumn. And, by the way, it’s going to be 81 degrees today and yet we had two frosts a week ago and all my vines and zinnias are dead. What’s wrong with this picture?
I love autumn, but I often get into a funk this time of year. The seasonal change leaves me feeling a little melancholy. Add to that an election campaign that has sunk to lows that are slimier than I would have ever believed possible and yours truly has had it.
Oh, and our taxes were filed yesterday (we always file an extension) and we owe a big chunk of money. Whoo hoo! It’s a wonder I’m not dancing on the rooftop!
Now to the heart of this post: Ever since the ‘off mic’ tape was aired, I’ve been wrestling with my own memories and those of others who are close to me. It’s generated a lot of discussion with my husband and my sister and other friends – some of it here on this blog.
Do you remember this sign from last week’s post about our anniversary?
It’s had more likes than any other post I’ve done on Instagram. I find that heartening. One of the more alarming realizations during this campaign is that there are people that don’t seem to think touching someone without permission is a big deal. Or think it’s something ‘guys do.’ Or say that it’s okay because it’s ‘locker room talk’. Never mind the fact that most men I know assure me that men do not talk that way in locker rooms, saying that about it is an attempt to brush it aside as something inconsequential. It isn’t.
I’ve heard people say that we’re getting upset about a word (you know what it is). Again, trying to minimize it. No, we’re upset about an action, not a word, as distasteful as that word is.
This isn’t political. It’s about basic decency. No one should be able to grab or grope or touch or kiss a woman without consent. Period. Or, I am reminded, a man.
Men, boys; whether you’re rich, poor, entitled, middle-class, handsome, not-so-handsome, charming, not-so charming, a boss, an employee, a relative, or someone who holds power of some kind: You don’t have that right.
I’ve been groped without my permission. I’ve been kissed without my permission. I’ve been touched without my permission. I’ve had men press up against me on the subway. I’ve had bosses say inappropriate things to me, things they never should have said. I’ve been in a darkened movie theater where a man sat down next to me and proceeded pull out his penis and masturbate. That occurred in graduate school and in true Claudia fashion, after a day or two had passed I told the story to my friends and transformed it into a darkly humorous monologue.
Because I’m funny and I know how to entertain a crowd.
That’s the way I dealt with it.
But it isn’t a joke. Make no mistake, it was an assault. I can still visualize it to this day, over 30 years later.
I still remember someone grabbing my breasts without my permission.
None of this is as horrendous as rape, and thankfully, I haven’t been subjected to that experience. But all of it is sexual assault and it leaves a scar and it’s wrong. The assumption that someone has the ‘right’ to do that to anyone is horribly wrong. And because it isn’t rape, many people (men and women, sadly) try to write it off as something women should just ‘get over’ because it isn’t such a big deal.
You know what? When a woman reports something like this, it should be taken seriously. And when several women come forward, all of them reporting much the same modus operandi? They aren’t doing it for ‘fame’ as I’ve heard several people assert. Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would welcome the shaming and derogatory remarks that are being directed toward them – to cheering audiences, I might add? The smearing, over and over and over again? It’s all a part of an attack to lessen them, to say that their experiences have no merit, no validity. To take their bravery and whittle it down to ‘fifteen minutes of fame.’
I’ll say it again: This isn’t political. This holds true for anyone, anywhere, anytime.
That we’re having a dialogue about this is a good thing. That we even have to have this dialogue in 2016 is sad beyond belief. Much work needs to be done.
It is the perfect opportunity to educate men and boys and women and girls about what is right and what is wrong, and I imagine there are a lot of conversations going on about just that. A positive in the midst of a negative. So, we speak out against the negative and turn it into an opportunity for growth and awareness.
But, oh how sad and troubling this is.
Time to turn things around so that this doesn’t happen again.
Happy Tuesday.
You know Claudia, you are right. I HAVE been raped, first by a new acquaintance in my teens and later by my first husband in my late twenties. Neither was reported to authorities and I totally understand why women do not report. I had to explain to my second husband that just because the report of a “supposed” rape happens many years later, it should not be immediately suspect. I also was emotionally abused during my first marriage and eventually physically, and I totally understand why many women don’t/can’t report that too. I also understand that men can be victims also. AND, I believe the fact that some men or boys or anyone may speak some “boy talk”/”locker room talk” does not make such talk okay or acceptable. It just is a statement that such talk happens. If you asked most of those boys/men if they really thought such language was acceptable, most of them would be embarrassed and know that it was not really, even if they didn’t admit it.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Laura. It’s painful and scarring and it isn’t easy to report. Bless you for speaking out here, Laura. You’ve also raised a point I meant to include in the post – that men can be victims also. Thank you.
Yes, Claudia, I once had a guy in my life who, just like you, had the horrible experience of ‘going to the show’ (movie theater) as a kid, and having an adult male sit down next to him and, in the dark, reach over and grope his ‘privates’ during the cartoons. It was so traumatic for this young man to be telling me this when we were in our 20s and only after we’d known each other for quite a while to where he felt safe enough to verbalize it. He was so affected by this crime even after all the years; felt so violated; had been such a little child, with no understanding at the time of what this deviant man did to him except to be just old enough to know it wasn’t right and that it made him feel terrible and frightened. It was in the 1950s when such things were not discussed, at least not in his family and unfortunately not at school or church or with a trusted neighbor, etc. I do believe, at this particular point in time, I was the only person he’d ever told, and my heart ached for him. His dear face and shaky words said it all. There are probably hundreds of stories like his.
Oh, this makes my heart break. That poor guy – not being able to understand what was happening but feeling shame, for something someone else did to him. Bless him. This makes me so sad.
When I was in Japan, I learned that during commute hours, there are specific train and subway cars that are designated for women only. There have been complaints that men use the crowded conditions as an excuse to press up against women and grope, or use their cell phones to take inappropriate photos….a man should be sitting, a woman would be standing in front of him…you understand.. I’m appalled that there is such a long way to go….
Oh, my. Unbelievable. What a terrible reality!
I’ve been grabbed, groped and almost date raped and it’s scary. I felt so powerless and afraid to report it, like it was my fault. Saying No doesn’t seem to be enough. No One should touch another person without their consent. I’ve had bosses make inappropriate remarks to me and I tried to ‘laugh it off’. I raised my girls to know that no one should have that power over you, no one. I’m sad to see this and the ‘just boys’ or ‘locker room talk’ remarks being accepted. It is not acceptable!
Amen! I think many women feel that in some way it’s their fault. It isn’t.
xo
It’s NOT okay!! Billy Bush lost HIS job over this deal, but the real offender just whines that the media is against him!!
I know.
Oh, it’s so very sad to read all these negative experiences you have had! I’ve experienced some myself…. I’m wondering how many women on the planet know this abuse personally? I bet most! Locker room talk is wrong, but it is more prevalent than people are guessing. Women on TV say their husbands would NEVER speak like that. Ha! I personally don’t believe it. I’ve polled my family, and all the males say it is out there. I have heard it myself on the golf course. I’ve never been able to fully understand why males think it is ok, right, funny, amusing, etc., to mistreat and show lack of respect for a female. I’m sure there is a long, tedious, psychological answer out there somewhere.
If this locker room talk related on the leaked video is just talk, then it is that — just talk, which is not near as damaging as action (although I am not downplaying its abhorrence at all). I guess what bothers me in the current situation, is that other party involved has many actions attributed to him over the years, but is still a “respected” political figure. No, he is not running for office, but his wife, one who covered up the abuse and quieted the women, is. Not exactly for the women, huh?
Either way, America is in a very sad situation. Breaks my heart.
My husband has said, repeatedly, that that kind of talk happens – maybe- when you’re young and trying to find your place in whatever group you’re hanging out with, but not as an adult. He has never heard it from his friends and acquaintances once they reached adulthood.
I know I’ve heard it as well, Rhonda. Not for many years, but I have heard it.
I won’t comment on the other guy except to say that you’re right. He isn’t running for office. Maybe Melania eventually will be able to write about her husband’s transgressions as frankly and honestly as Hillary has written about her husband’s transgression in her book. But I won’t blame either woman for their husband’s deeds.
Forgot to add: I bet there are many, many women who have had these kinds of things happen. Isn’t that sad?
Yes, we are in a very sad situation. xo
Back in college (1969) a friend and I were pledging sororities at the same time. One very early Sunday morning my friend called me and was crying and asked me to come to her dorm room. She was sobbing and told me she had been forced to have sex the previous night with a frat guy. He was truly a BMOC….. I listened and cried with her. We never said the word “rape”. We didn’t call anyone or report it to anyone. It was “just” something that happened. And she knew she wasn’t the first one it had happened to, and we simply assumed she wouldn’t be the last, either. We accepted it. We moved on. Oh, those wild guys.
I have lost touch with her over the many years, but I have been thinking about her every single day since that tape was shown. When I see the accusers coming forward, I think back to those times and how different they were. It is not an excuse ~ it is merely the fact. I think sometimes THAT piece is what gets lost. We may NOT have reported these things 20 or 30 or 40+ years ago. The times were so very very different. Of course in retrospect we should have screamed and demanded justice. But sadly, in most cases we didn’t. Back then the women were always suspect. They were out on their own. They were dressed in a provocative way. They were drinking. But if we do report things now, it isn’t because we are making things up. Some people are finally finding their voice. And their courage. And their outrage. They don’t want fame. (???? who could even think that????) And living it over again is Hell, I’m sure.
Sadly, as we hear about sexual assaults on campus, it seems the times may have changed a BIT, but tragically, not enough. And it is when I hear WOMEN saying “oh, ha ha! they are just guys….” it makes me want to scream. To realize that this mentality is alive and well in American is one of the saddest things that I think has come out of this horrific mess of an election process. Just sickening.
Beautifully stated. I know that I have friends who confided in me, years after the fact, that they were raped during our college years. You’re right – very few women reported it then. The sad thing is that back then the “women were always suspect”, and it seems that they are still suspect today. It takes great bravery to report sexual assault of any kind.
Wonderful post! You get right to the heart of the matter as always. As a survivor, I can only say THANK YOU
Thank you, Carolyn Marie. I’m sorry that you even had to be a ‘survivor.’ Bless you.
Thought provoking post. Sadly it surfaces past experiences for me as well. It is NOT ok to abuse, assault, grope or even cat call anyone at all, male or female. That our culture still accepts this behavior is appalling. Thanks for speaking out.
Thanks for mentioning cat calling, Karen. That is also something that should be stopped.
How my co-workers and I wish that Michelle Obama was running for President. As well as being gracious, clever and articulate, we think she would champion the causes of women and children.
I admire her more than I can say, Barbara. She is our hero in this house (as well as her husband.) I can only hope that someday she will run. She certainly is a tremendous force for good.
I see so many overweight children, huffing and puffing as they labor to walk home from school with too many pounds on their little bodies, going to Starbucks and McDonald’s for what I assume is their afternoon snack; big sugary drinks in their hands. I’ve always admired Mrs. Obama for at least TRYING to improve nutrition for kids and create change/awareness with school lunches and elsewhere.
We got a teeny bit of rain yesterday in SoCalif…just enough to wash off the leaves and dampen down the dust…and today is a lovely, ‘fall’ afternoon for us before another big heatwave (sounds like West Coast is going to mimic East Coast, Claudia), so I just picked from the veggie garden a plump green cucumber, a yellow squash and a good handful of green beans which I’ll lightly steam. I wish some of these children could know the good taste of something growing fresh and organic in a little pot of dirt rather than a factory-farm burger and a coke.
Me too. I admire her in every way.
I have to say, Claudia, my world is small…but it seems that everywhere I go, women are talking of NOTHING ELSE. You are absolutely right about it starting a dialog.
(I copied your groping sign and have it tacked to my refrigerator door; right where I see it every day. It’s a sort of affirmation, that sobering declaration. Standing up for what’s right. Boldly asserting a human right. A line in the sand. Maybe this is a poor comparison but it’s what came into my mind…and I don’t mean to offend anyone ever when I say this because it was the ultimate tragedy for every American and so many lives lost [these are serious, serious topics]…but it’s a sort of rising up, the way I felt when the towers went down, and I said to myself, “No, you are not doing this to us!” and I immediately went out to my porch and put up the waving flag, our stars & stripes…as did just about everybody else; a symbol; a stance. Going up against what is WRONG.)
And what’s so troubling is that it’s clear: Many, many women have been violated with various forms of abuse as you so disturbingly (but necessary, yes) pointed out from your own personal experience. We’ve buried these things, some of us from the previous generation, despite the fact that we were aging from our teens into our 20s in the evolving women’s movement for equal pay and equal opportunity. But the voice wasn’t yet strong enough so, yes, some of us buried abusive incidents,..yet never forgot them.
We too often…sadly, maybe even a majority of us…have a sordid story somewhere in the timeline of our lives. I regret to say I had an uncle who took advantage of me, alone in the house, when I was an incredibly-naive/sheltered age 17 and visiting from out of state for a family wedding, my first-ever trip alone, away from home; I’d never been kissed before; I wasn’t even sure if him grabbing me (a bear hug?) in the hallway, kissing me (lingeringly; slobbering) on the lips was just something that wasn’t done in my own family but maybe okay with other families (was my own family back in California just uptight?); I was terribly confused and too innocent of the world. I moved aside from him and he didn’t try it again…his wife was on her way home to take me to the bride’s luncheon…but we were also never alone in the house a second time either. This was my full-of-personality uncle who loved me, and I loved him. Now, I felt unsafe. Really scared. On red alert. From something I didn’t even know how to process. I was a guest in his house and there was nobody to turn to, if I’d even have had it in me to disclose anything to anyone, however awkward and damaging. (And I have a history of being non-confrontational; not very self-confident…in the younger years. Some of us don’t develop our strength til much later.) But it changed everything, forever and I was thereafter very wary of him, the remaining time or two I saw him before he died.
I never said a word to anyone about it for 15 years. Then, when a out-of-area female cousin was visiting me here in Southern California, the opportunity presented itself, after hours of conversation about a lot of things, and I revealed this sordid incident to her after I got a hint that maybe she had some doubts about this guy herself (he was her grandfather)…this stuff eventually comes out, a scar that is never healed but keeps festering, year after year after year…and it turned out he’d behaved similarly with her, so we commiserated; stayed up all night talking about it, analyzing if there were any other young females in the family at risk with him, how much of a menace exactly was he (now age 80 and frail), should we or shouldn’t we tell our fathers, knowing it would wound them to the core (one’s father, the other’s brother), that it would break up his 60-year marriage with a now very-ill spouse, that it could land him in jail, were we misinterpreting anything, questioning ourselves; would anybody even believe us anyway?
In the end, we weren’t brave; we did nothing. After another 20 years passed, I eventually told my mother once my dad had passed. She didn’t say too much which made me wonder if this degenerate man had ever taken ‘liberties’ with HER in former days; she had a tendency, too, to clam up about such stuff. My cousin and I have never spoken of any of this again either. We women, oh gosh…we’ve too often held these things in, and suffered. And worse, at some point possibly even tried to blame ourselves as we struggle to understand why certain males have sick minds…with aberrant, criminal behaviors.
When the time is right and early on, we need to let young girls know that they must speak up, stand up to abusers and bullies, protect themselves and never stay silent. Authority figures, power figures, can be very intimidating to younger women; we’ve spoken here of this before. You don’t want to fill impressionable, budding women with distrust and suspicion or to be man-haters, but education is key. There are consequences to speaking out when wrong has prevailed…it’s not easy for any victim of anything…but truth and what’s right HAS to triumph over lies and wrongdoing. And it doesn’t just mean for women, because boys/men suffer abuse, too.
I think Melania called it ‘boy talk’. I know she has a son with DT. How is she explaining the actions of a father…a grown adult…to this young man who you know she must love with all her heart as only a mother can love a child? I wouldn’t want to be in her position.
I’m so sorry. We’ve talked about this before, but I was not nearly assertive enough when I was younger to report anything. I just kept things inside or made a joke about them. Reporting that sort of thing was not encouraged, there was less awareness of the problem. And you’re talking about a family member, which makes it even more troubling and distressing. Thank goodness you had a relative to compare notes with, to know that it wasn’t your fault – it was entirely his.
We need to educate young girls and young men. And we need to provide support networks when, heaven forbid, they have to report something. And those networks include family and friends and men and women and teachers, etc.
I unfortunately have too many bad stories but I don’t mean for your blog post to turn into a confessional. I suppose many of us don’t want to look into our loving and treasured families and admit/acknowledge that there could be/is a sick gene in there somewhere.
My mom’s longtime friend was a lovely woman who had a difficult youth, abandoned to an orphanage as a child of the 1920s, thrust on her own I guess as soon as she was 18 or whatever age they booted you out of an institution. She had learned some skills with sewing and typing; was able to get along a bit okay on her own in 1942 or so, but made a not-so-great choice in those war years to marry a traveling-thru sailor who she remained loyal to over 60 years although he didn’t deserve it. Mother told me confidentially that when this elderly couple was in their early 80s, they were going to marital counseling because the woman had never gotten past a point of him raping her early-on in the marriage (he was a drinker) and he needed to know, even decades later, when she finally could summon her voice (after a lifetime of being subordinate to authoritarian figures, first in a cold and impersonal orphanage, then to a domineering spouse and always the secretary, never the ‘boss’ at work) to confront him about NO meaning NO, that what he’d done to her as a young, sweet and obedient wife was wrong and there is no excuse for abuse. Ever.
I hope she did confront him, Vicki? At least she would know that she finally spoke up about it and made it clear that what he had done was wrong.
Yes, Mom said she got it said. I have no idea about any denials or remorse from him. I could never stand the guy and my father especially did not like him. This man was a coarse individual; no character; cruel and controlling. I always felt the lady was his prisoner, everything always at his bidding. The man predeceased her but she wasn’t able to really enjoy any freedom as illness befell her as well, shortly after his death. I was glad to know…glad isn’t really the right word in such a sorry situation…that even if she never got a true apology for the rape (in this case, how could any apology be enough; how do you summon forgiveness) she, yes, at least, before death, was maybe able to lift off some of the grief, resentment and pain from her heart and mind by putting voice to it in therapy, no longer suffering in silence.
At least she had some sort of resolution.
It is hard to believe that in this day and age, we are still having to deal with all this inappropriate behavior. I have a friend from college that was raped, through no fault of her own. And I feel as heart broken now, as I did then, that a portion of the male population has Yet to be enlightened, that this kind of behavior is wrong! If you do not have consent…you do not touch…period! I sincerely hope that we keep talking about this problem. But, first, I guess we as a society, have to recognize that it is a problem…and I’m concerned on that point, given the people that are trying to sweep these issues under the carpet, and “explain” them away. I am trying to remain hopeful! ;)
I share your concern, Donnamae. There is no explaining these issues away and trying to do so only exacerbates the problem.
Dear ever graceful Claudia,
I always felt so badly for Mrs. Clinton ,Imagine the devastation,and heartbreak, of your husband having an affair, with a beautiful, Young girl. Now imagine all the eyes of the entire World on you,
and your family including your young daughter, While your world crashes down around you,for the whole world to see! you know how a lot of people,will use this incident to show,their hatred, even though they curse him, impeach Bill “,White trash in the White House”.The real issue is he represented the wrong Party. Just imagine, some blaming his wife! Now that is “not for the women”,In I would consider it condoning or making excuses to be a hater. I wonder if I could please everyone, no matter what I did at the time. She did what she could, and what she thought best for her family! And I for one.. . Oh whats the use, just another excuse! – Judy A- (Please excuse the lengthy post)
It was such a public arena and she was First Lady. I don’t know how I would react, I can’t know. But eventually she shared her real feelings at the time with us in her book. Very forthrightly and very honestly. As I said in an earlier reply, I would never blame Melania for her husband’s behavior, either. This has to be very hard for her.
The other night I was trying to make my husband, a most decent man, understand that every single woman he’s ever known has been subjected to this sort of garbage. His college roommate came on to me ON OUR WEDDING DAY! I’ve never been able to stomach him, never mind that this was 44 years ago. No surprise to me that he has three divorces and at least one failed long -term relationship under his belt.
On your wedding day? Unbelievable! You’re right – every single woman has dealt with this in one way or another.
AND he was married to the first of his wives, although she wasn’t there.
I’m so sorry!
I find a lot offensive..but one of the worst has to be the acceptance of as Trumps wife calling it ” boy talk” . Boy talk is “hey buddy can you help me change the spark plugs in my car? By the way I knew how to do that , well not in new cars they are hidden . This “boys will be boys” stuff has to stop. I have never used that expression , even though I have a son. When he was younger when he did something wrong he was punished and corrected , never excused because he was male!
Good for you, Mary. Boys will be boys is not an excuse for bad behavior!
Boys will be boors!
CBS newsman Bob Schieffer said, “Pig will be pigs” when discussing the tape on the air!
Wow! Good for Bob Schieffer!
Amen. I was at an afternoon BBQ/pool party once, back in the ‘single’ days, and all I was doing was washing a head of lettuce in a big bowl at the kitchen sink with the intent to mix up a big salad for the food table. I wasn’t wearing a bathing suit but I did have on shorts; it was summer at the beach in Santa Barbara. The host, out of sight of his live-in fiance, took the opportunity of my hands being occupied and dunked in the water, by coming up from behind, to quickly grope my legs and on up…I had no time to react…and I wish even now that I’d dumped the whole bowl of ice water on his head along with the lettuce. But I didn’t want to cause a scene; I was a guest. And I was horrified for his girlfriend who was in the next room. I kicked him aside and he got the message but there was absolutely NOTHING I’d done to give him any permission to touch me (I scarcely knew the guy), yet he sure took what he thought he could get away with in the moment. I don’t wish him well. The creep.
Disgusting – such an unwanted assault on your body.
Causing a scene is precisely what one should do in that situation. The perpetrators are trying to be sneaky, to not get caught, do it when no one else is looking so it is their word against the victim’s. By making a scene and calling them out you are letting the perpetrator and anyone else around know that it is not okay. Making a scene attracts attention from whoever is in the vicinity, increasing the risk for the perpetrator of getting caught and embarrassing them if they do get caught. It may also start the discussion of other people around to assert that it is definitely not okay and it can alert others that you need help.
Especially when in a public area is is important to shout and identify the perpetrator in such a way that it shames them and not you. You have nothing to be ashamed of if someone else behaves inappropriately.
Claudia, I cannot express to you how much this post, your blog and the person I’ve come to know you as from reading your blog means to me. Thank you so much for being the person that you are and for speaking the truth. You have a lovely soul and we need more people in this world such as yourself.
It breaks my heart to read of all the comments above and what these ladies have endured in their lives. They never should have had to endure such things. I too am a survivor. I was raped at the age of 19 and my first husband was physically and emotionally abusive and along with that came sexual assault as well. I just cannot fathom that this man’s wife is standing beside him after all of this. And further I cannot believe the women that say they are still supporting this man.
Nothing about any of the things that are going on right now regarding this man will ever be right. It’s completely and utterly disgusting to even have to call him a human being. He wants to call this locker room talk, well we all know that if any of the athletes of today acted in this manner they would not only lose their employment but they would also be arrested or at the very least under investigation. Yet the man running for the highest office in our beloved country is getting away with all of this. What world do we live in?!
Thank you again for speaking out on all of the issues. We all have to keep speaking out against these horrid things and we absolutely have to give the younger ladies of our world the strength to speak up as well. Blessings to you and your beloved Don.
Thank you, Belinda. That you had to go through such pain breaks my heart. If I’ve seen anything with this post, it’s that sexual assaults of some kind have happened to all of us. It’s truly shocking.
I’m sorry you have those memories, but I’m happy you have the strength to speak out and fight for change.
That’s so terrible. I haven’t been a victim yet but two of my sister’s have been cat called many times.
I wish the people who did that had way more common sense. It’s terrible and disgusting.
Love this post so much btw :)
Thank you, Addy. No women should be treated as an object and that’s what catcalling does.
This might be the best post you have ever written my dear sister. You know my feelings on all of this and the experiences I have had. You have brought this into the conversation of respect for women and about this election. Thank you for doing so.
You are welcome, dear sister. I don’t know what I’d do without you. xoxo
The Big Orange Pig tried to say we should be talking about more “important” things like beating ISIS. Terrorism is a real threat, but hundreds of thousands more people will be attacked by sexual predators than by terrorists, even in this day and age. And he also claimed it’s about women’s looks, when it’s really about POWER. Especially where Trump is concerned–he bragged about being able to “do anything” to women. He has a sense of entitlement that is as scary as it is revolting. I’d bet he thinks he could “do anything” as President, too..
.
I happened to see a clip of “Chachi” from “Happy Days” scolding women for being upset. “Grow up!” he had the gall to say. That same day, Trump was throwing a yuuge tantrum because Paul Ryan dissed him. Chachi should’ve been telling HIM to grow up!
Every time he does that, he’s trying to change the subject from sexual assault. That’s why we’re hearing the election is going to be ‘rigged’ again. Sexual assault is about power and the abuse of power. That abuse of power would only be continued in the White House.
I saw that clip of Scott Baio, too. You can imagine the words I use to describe him!
Dear Claudia,
Thank you for keeping this discussion in the public eye. Too many people,
starting with the candidate himself, are all too ready to brush it aside and say it’s unimportant. Minimizing what his victims and so many other women (and men) have gone through, especially at a vulnerable age, is just another form of sexual aggression. And by the way, the word “banter” means something “playful and light-hearted.” Sexual assault is neither of those things.
My own experiences happened fifty years ago. No, I didn’t scream; it never occurred to me. No, I didn’t report either incident to the police; I felt humiliated and embarrassed, as if the attacks were my fault. They weren’t.
If you haven’t seen it, the New York Times recently wrote about Jill Oxford,
a writer who published a tweet asking women to respond regarding their own first sexual assault; she got more than a million responses in just a few days.
I came to your blog through your sister’s; my heartfelt thanks to both you and Meredith for speaking up and speaking out.
Too many women feel that somehow the attack is their fault. It never is. I’m so sorry you had to go through anything like that, Carol.
I did read about Jill Oxford. I think she was stunned that so many women responded. It tells us that this problem is everywhere.
Thank you for coming her and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you Claudia! I’m dumbfounded, fighting to find words to express my outrage and I feel so powerless and scare for my grandkids and their future! I pray this monster doesn’t win the election but I feel the damage is already done by uncovering so much hatred! Please keep talking!!!
Yes, I fear the same thing. I’m worried we will never be able to rid ourselves of the hatred and violence that this man has encouraged and applauded. Are we tarnished forever?
Thanks so much for commenting, Marlene.
Once again, thank you, Claudia.
You’re welcome, Nancy.
I totally agree!
Thank you, Regula.
I’m finally commenting the day after this post. I read all of the comments and am appalled at how many women, like me, have rape and other degrading events in their background. I’ve struggled to find the words to express what I’ve pushed down for more than forty years and find that I still can’t do it to my own satisfaction. Back then, nobody discussed it. Even the police were surprised when I spoke of telling anyone about it. Such a different time…and yet, not so different as it should be. We cannot condone the” locker room talk” by electing one of its loudest and most clueless proponents.
I agree. I’m so, so sorry to hear that you have had to contend with something this awful and degrading. So many women have – it’s truly astonishing and heartbreaking. I don’t know if anyone reported attacks back then. There was no support system in place.
Claudia, This is such an important post to get a dialogue going and yes it’s not political. It’s decency and respect for people both men and women’s private space and it’s not okay to violate that! I’ve had way too many experiences where men have been inappropriate with me and I’ve had a very traumatic experience where I thought I would be killed that is still haunting me. I think it’s at the root of why I have gained so much weight over the years. It offers psychological protection because most of the time overweight women aren’t the target of sexual assaults.
So true. I know women who have gained weight for that very reason. It’s a protective mechanism and how heartbreaking it is that women have to do that. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had those experiences, Sandy.
Too, too many women have had them. xo
For those of you who had violence perpetrated against you way back when, I can understand why people didn’t speak up about personal abuses even though the women’s movement was demanding equal rights – you need to pick and choose your battles when there are so many battles to be fought if you want to win even one of them! One personal battle vs. a broader societal battle – I can see how the latter would seem to take precedence but that was only because women did not realise that all those personal abuses added up to a broader societal issue because it wasn’t spoken about and women did get attacked on an individual level for speaking out. They were attacked by men but also by women! If we want to give each other the strength to speak out, as women, we need to be there for each other. Stand up an support each other rather than accusing the victims of some moral inadequacy. We know it can happen to anyone through no fault of their own. It’s about time the blame goes to the perpetrators, not the victims.
In Australia there is a public conversation about family violence and connected to that is the discussion of respect for others and especially respect for women. You may be interested in the campaign of former Australian of the Year, the courageous Rosie Batty. There is the need to educate everyone about what is and is not acceptable, especially men and boys.
The reason men will make the excuse of “locker room talk” is because they KNOW very well that disrespectful language and ideas are totally unacceptable in the wider community. They wouldn’t dare say those words in their homes, in front of their bosses in the workplace etc. so what makes them think it is acceptable anywhere else?
In any case, it’s not just the talk, it’s the ideas, the actions, the lack of morality and lack of respect that goes with those words. Language is culture. It’s time to change the culture.
Thank you for playing your parts by writing blog posts, leaving comments, keeping up the conversation and don’t stop talking about it, don’t take the pressure off, until we can all feel safe.