I’ve been wanting/needing to write about this for a long time. I mentioned it in passing once before and those of you who are longtime readers might remember it.
I have 3 siblings. In birth order: my brother, me, my sister L (this is how I will identify her), my sister Meredith. David, my brother, was 17 when Meredith was born, so my mom always had a child or two around. My brother passed away in 1991 from lymphoma. He was 44. He left 3 children, all of whom have children themselves now. For many years, it was just my brother and me and that was all I knew. But then my mom told me she was pregnant and that I would have a baby brother or sister and I was thrilled. I was 8 1/2 years old. Along came L, and I thought she just might be the cutest baby ever. I adored her and doted on her. I was just enough older that I could help my mom with diaper changes and and rocking her to sleep and reading her stories. Three years later, another baby came along and that was Meredith. How could it be possible that there was another cutest baby ever? But there was.
You can ask Meredith. I loved everything about being a big sister. I was proud of them. I took them for walks. I took them to the park. They were even in plays with me. And as they got older, I gave them advice, held them when their hearts were broken, took them driving when they had their learners’ permits, helped them with their studies, took them shopping – all the things a big sister does. My father is an alcoholic and was drinking a lot in those days and I did everything I could to shield them from it. We were very close. Meredith and L were especially close as they were only three years apart in age.
L was a wonderful kid and young adult. She was funny and loving and kind. She loved children and animals.
Fast forward many years. L got married. Meredith and I were both in her wedding. I sang at her wedding. She had children. Meredith is godmother to one. I am godmother to another.
As the years went by, L grew more and more difficult to get along with. She could be charming and funny and she could turn to rage on a dime. We never knew what would set her off. All of us felt like we were walking on eggshells when we were around her. And every time I spoke to her, there was some story or other about how everyone was against her. The neighbors were against her. The school was against her. She was always the victim. When there were difficulties in school (real or perceived, I don’t know) for her oldest child, she started homeschooling her kids. She created a little world where she was safely ensconced with her kids and where she was in control.
She started feuds with each of us at one time or other. Something we said or didn’t say, or some imagined slight would set her off and she wouldn’t speak to us for a while. This happened most often with Meredith – it was clear she was resentful and jealous of her. But it happened with my parents and with me, as well.
Presents sent to her children were sometimes unopened. I don’t suppose they even knew of their existence. And a curious thing happened. If we were in need, if life had thrown us a curve of some sort, L was on the phone immediately. If we were happy, or got married, or had great news, she didn’t really want any part of it. I’d go so far as to say she was resentful.
When she was announced she was pregnant for the fifth time, we were all surprised, but happy for her. Somehow or other, something I said or did or didn’t do during that period set her off and she hasn’t spoken to me since. That would be, what, over 9 years ago? I called her. I wrote her, apologizing for whatever it was that upset her, even though she would never tell me what it was or discuss anything with me. Time and time again, I tried. But then I got sick of apologizing for something that I most likely wasn’t guilty of. I got tired of apologizing for nothing. The older I get, the less patience I have for people who get angry about something and won’t discuss it with you despite your best efforts but will gladly and quite easily shut you out. I have no time for that nonsense.
In the meantime, she stopped speaking to Meredith. She didn’t attend the wedding of my brother’s eldest child. And as hard as this is to believe, she has never been to see my parents in Florida. They have lived there 11 years. They were too frail to fly to the state where she lives. She hasn’t seen my parents in 11 years. They have never seen her youngest child. There was always some excuse: the children, the cost of plane fare, timing. Hard to accept when at the same time she was giving these excuses, she and her husband were remodeling their kitchen, buying 5 alpacas and building a barn in which to raise them. When my father was critically ill, she didn’t go to Florida. When we pleaded with her via email to come and visit my parents because they were getting very frail, she never even had the decency to respond to us. After a few of these emails, I tried again. I asked her how she could live with herself? I said that no matter what she thought about Mer and me, she must surely care about her parents. No response.
My niece (David’s daughter), now married and the mother of 3 children, wrote her. She told her off, in no uncertain terms. None of us has ever had a response. This, of course, breaks my parents’ hearts. My brother’s gone. L might as well be.
Meredith and I have spent countless hours talking about it, trying to figure out just what happened to L. We’ve worked through it all as best we can. I don’t really care if I see her again. I don’t know what I would do if I did she her again. I’m afraid I would become enraged. Because, although I’ve come to terms with it as it relates to me, I haven’t come to terms with it as it relates to my parents.
We know that she has deliberately created situations in her mind that somehow justify cutting herself off from each one of us. Me. Meredith. My nieces and nephews. My sister-in-law. My cousin. No one hears from her. Only my parents do. And only by phone. She’s obviously deeply troubled. Both Meredith and I felt for many years before all this happened that she needed some professional help. Perhaps a chemical imbalance? Perhaps Borderline Personality Disorder? Or is she Bipolar? I don’t know. I only know she won’t let any of us see her.
One wonders: What does my brother-in-law (who we really loved) think about all this? What lies has she told him about us? What lies has she told her children about us? Those children are our family and we never see them anymore. One of them, A, looked just like me when she was growing up. My goddaughter and niece, H, got married this year. We have been shut out of their lives. Does L ever feel a twinge of guilt over any of this?
I spoke with her briefly when my Dad was rushed to the hospital 5 years ago with an aneurysm. Meredith was coping with everything down in Florida until I could get down there. I had to call L. It was late on a Sunday night. My nephew answered the phone with “Aunt Claudia?” For a moment, I was simply happy that he remembered me. Then L got on the phone and I told her about dad. I won’t call what we had a conversation – just facts and figures and information about the surgery. Then it was over. My hands were shaking.
She’s very religious. How, I wonder, does she reconcile all this with her faith? It doesn’t fit with anything I learned as a child growing up in the church, the same church in which she grew up. But maybe that’s being too logical. If there is indeed mental illness there, and I’m sure there is, logic and sense go out the window.
The one time I touched upon this in a post, I heard from many of you who had experienced something similar. I know that we aren’t unique.
How does someone as near and dear to you as a sibling, someone who you shared a bedroom with, someone you laughed and cried with, someone you went through the loss of another sibling with, just disappear? Poof! Gone.
I tell you now, I don’t know what I would do without Meredith. We are devoted to each other.
I don’t care so much about me. I’m tough. I’ve worked through it, for the most part. I’ve been through all the stages of grief. As to her lack of a relationship with me….I go for days, weeks, even months without thinking of it. For all intents and purposes, she’s dead to me. It’s only when I hear the heartbreak in one of my parent’s voice, when I see their hurt, that I get enraged once again.
Meredith, as the child who lives the closest to my parents, has had the brunt of care-giving for these 11 years. She’s been a wonderful daughter to them. And yet, as so often happens in these cases, she’s the one who gets dumped on. She’s the one who they criticize. It’s as if they pick on her because they simply cannot bear to admit deep in their hearts that the uncaring child is L. Not Meredith. Not me. L.
When people I meet ask me how many siblings I have, I end up having to explain that one is deceased, one doesn’t have anything to do with me, and one I am very close to. Maybe I should just say, one. No, I should say two, because my brother is still with me.
That photo at the top of the post is of the very piano that sits in my living room today. I was 8. I was proudly holding my baby sister on my lap. My dad took it with his new Polaroid camera. I have it out because Don likes it. But I can’t look at it too closely. It’s a reminder of the lost sister.
Oh Claudia…that is so sad. I can really feel your pain and sadness about your sister. The upsetting part is that you don’t have an answer, really. Alot of families have someone who is the difficult one…the one no one gets along with or just the one who “starts” stuff for no good reason. I do have to believe that it could be mental illness or something that happened. I am the youngest and the peacemaker in the family. My brother, the middle child won’t have anything to do with my older sister and her family over something that long ago should have been put in the past. I know you can’t control what other people think, feel or do…even if they come from the same family nest. All I can tell you is to focus on what you can do as a sibling and a child of your parents and be there for them. Your sister is the one holding the grudge and only she can fix herself. I am sending a big hug to you and your sister Meredith! ~Patti
Claudia,
I am sorry to hear your story. Unfortunately I have a very similar one. There are six children in my family and it always seemed that any trouble in the family always revolved around the same sister. It is sad to think that she may never have anything to do with us again, however, I really do believe that she too may have some sort of personality disorder. I’m glad you have your sister Meredith and that you are close. I wish I had more to offer in the way of comfort. You are blessed with so many other wonderful things in your life. Someone once told me “Let go and let God.” thanks for sharing today.
Shari
Well done Claudia, I know this was tough to write but I am glad you have got it out. L is something else…… maybe nothing I can really say on your comment section. Thank God we have each other, that makes it all less painful.
Meredith
I am so sorry, Claudia. My heart breaks for you and especially your parents. I’m almost sobbing with their grief!
I’m glad you have Meredith.
I am bawling here this morning because it touches so close to home. At the end of my “happy” post about granddaughters today I ended by saying that I need to live in today nd not with the “what ifs” of yesterday. You are not alone-there are many of us that live with broken hearts that will never be mended this side of Heaven. xo Diana
I hope its ok to say I wish you were my sister. I wish it, truly I do. I wouldnt run or hide or abandon you or shirk my family responcibilities. We could laugh n cry and share any time you wanted to.
alas this isnt so and wont be but I can still wish if I want too..
Isnt it odd how the one who would so want and appreciate a sister doesnt have one and the one who has one shuns her. Life– on far too many issues its simply unexplainable.
so I’ll wish a miracle for you and your family and L will call and sincerely apologize and in time all thats wrong will be made right and you can have the family you so richly deserve.
I’m wishing it for ya- all of ya.
Sonny
Such a sad story..well written because of all your understandable emotion…I have a sister and even though we don’t always see eye to eye..I wouldn’t trade her for the world…
Such a sad story..well written because of all your understandable emotion…I have a sister and even though we don’t always see eye to eye..I wouldn’t trade her for the world…
You are brave to write this Claudia. I’m sure it was a cathartic experience which is always healthy when something eats away inside and causes aching in ones heart.
We all (well a lot of us) have something hidden in our family which is difficult to confront and share with strangers. It often appears that you are the only family not quite perfect, but then we learn others have skeletons in the cupboard too! So, we can pause, let out a long breath, and realize we are not alone, and this can be comforting.
Mine revolves not so much around direct family but the sick woman who has stolen our beloved son, and devastated our family in so many ways. I live with this ache in my heart daily. I pray some day we can have him back before it’s too late…………..we are not getting any younger!
Anyway dear one, my thoughts are with you and dear Meredith, two loving and caring sisters, two daughters who are there for your aging parents, bless you both.
Off soon – thanks for the good wishes dear.
Mary X
I am so sorry to hear of this strained relationship. L sounds like many people who have buried themselves in their religion, but that ‘religion’ has nothing to do with the teachings of Jesus. It is of their own making. They try to control their universe and work themselves into a corner. It is a very sad story. I am glad that you and your sister Meredith are close. It is also sad to think of your nieces and nephews growing up in such a bitter home environment. And worse, that they may come to associate Christianity with what they remember about their mom, rather than mercy and grace. It is a tragedy. I am also so sorry for your parents, Claudia. Thank you for being courageous and sharing this with us.
Claudia, I am proud of you, it takes a lot of courage to say it out loud and then again to put it to pen. We all have someone in our lives, family or not, that do this to us. I have taught my children that you make the effort with those you love and all the rest become acquaintances…….if you love someone you keep trying but when they don’t respond, you move on. For some reason there is always an excuse….but I can tell your sister this, she has missed out on knowing two very beautiful and talented sisters…….and the families they belong to. How selfish to treat your parents this way, at least give them an explaination so they stop wondering why….
Sorry that you and Meredith have to experience this,
I do know that you probably have ten times more the love from your blog friends, but it is sad that “L” doesn’t want to be a part of this, her loss.
Hugs,
Margaret B
xx
Mental illness is a horrible thing and I think this must be the case with your sister. Claudia I am so sad for your family but especially your parents. I do understand! It’s heartbreaking to loose a sister when she is still alive. My brother who is an alcoholic is still in my life but sometimes his rantings are more then I can bear. Sending you a big hug and know I understand your sadness. Linda
This is a sad story and I feel with you. The similar has happened to me, but it’s not my sister, a friend of mine, which is hard enough. I’m sure you are a wonderful sister.
You never know what the future will bring. Your nieces and nephews are grown up people as is your brother-in-law. They can think of their own. Maybe one day they might knock on your door. It might even be your lost sister. Always hope for the best.
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I can hear your pain, anger and love and my heart breaks for you. You have come to an understanding within, one that hopes for healing but resigns to heartbreak. Being on that seesaw is very tricky and you seem to be balancing it well. Thank you for sharing this post with us and forcing me to examine my own life. May God’s grace fill you immeasurably.
Dearest Claudia,
When I read your post heading “Lost Sister” my heart sunk to my tummy.
While reading on I understood you were writing about another sister L.
I have been away from my blog for the last month, the week we returned from vacation our family suffered a tragedy. I have not been able to post about it yet,you see my only and dearest beautiful sister, my best friend passed away unexpectedly.
You have been blessed with your sister Meredith and you have her in your life, so cherish that love everyday you draw breath.
As for sister L, you can’t make someone love you or be in your life if they don’t want too. One day L’s children will know the truth that you were there for them and wanted them in your life. It is very sad for your Mom and Dad. They have two daughters that love them very much and that is a blessing to hold deep in their hearts.
I am so sorry you lost your brother, I know the sorrow. My life will nver be the same without my sister.
Love to you, Elizabeth
It’s heartbreaking, and you have done everything you could. There are so many families that have been fractured because of situations like this..
People in the end, are complex and unpredictable and it’s sad.
I’m very sorry.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
Dear Claudia,
This posting brought tears to my eyes. We have a lost child in our family too that I rarely ever hear from. Our father was the alcoholic and my mom was the rager co-dependent! It’s funny how 4 children can grow up in the same household and each one reacts differently. Living in a household where you have to walk on eggshells is no fun. I was the eldest, the protector the one who called things out as I saw them. It’s taken many years to work through all the childhood stuff. My lost sister will occasionally answer a text message. So sad. Hubby and I have built a nice life for ourselves and I do see one of my dearest sisters (she moved back to Michigan) We can’t always figure people out. It could be a combination of many things. If we don’t work through our issues in life we do end up becoming very neurotic and things we do or say don’t make sense. You have a good life Claudia with a wonderful husband and your dear sister Meredith. I know it must break your parents hearts but you are powerless over L’s behavior and reactions. So sorry for the loss of your brother.
First Claudia, I see why Don likes that picture. You are adorable and you have not changed.
Second, I felt like I was reading about my own sister. I am the eldest of three. My baby sister and I are very close, we talk almost every day. Our middle sister was just the same. Always the victim only that was from the time she was a child.
As we grew up jealousy took over with her and it became unbearable at times. It ended when she had twin boys and when they were under a year old she cheated on her husband and through him out. Although no one took sides ( which was hard, believe me!) she cut the whole family off saying no one supported her. She held onto my father though because she needed someone to watch her boys.
It has been 25 years. I saw her at my dad’s funeral 7 years ago and she was still the same self-centred, jealous victim she always was. She refused to ride in the car if I was in it.
Claudia, you are like me, you are the strong one but you know what, once in a while we need someone to tell us it’s okay. Don is that for you and my Dave is that for me. They say you can choose your friends but not your family and that is true but that does not mean you have to like or put up with your family.
This life is far too short for added grief. Live your life, you are wonderful, as I am sure Meredith is. It is L’s loss.
Carry on my dear,
Sue
Claudia, this is such a beautifully written post about your pain and loss. It sounds to me as if L has a classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder. Classic.
It is a shame that she is so estranged from your family, and that you have not been able to develop a relationship with her children, and your brother in law.
It is so difficult, I know. I will keep you in my prayers.
Claudia,
I know you most likely questioned whether to put pen to paper on such a personal matter. You know that I too struggle with just how far to lay bare my soul in blog land. I am hopeful that this has helped some in your healing, though our hearts are never completely repaired, just mended by such things..
As you can see by the comments, so many of us have someone who has behaved in similar fashion in our own lives and sympathize with the complexities of such relationships.
What came to my mind as I read was that most likely she is quite ill and that her husband and children have probably suffered greatly as well, and perhaps that is where your loyalty now should be. Often tumultuous families keep such things to themselves and your reaching out to your niece and nephew may help them some day if they wish to ever share their own stories. They are now adults and may need an extended family presence in their lives. Keep reaching out to them and maybe you can help to heal them if not heal your parents or your sister. It may take years to convince them that they are loved by the rest of your family, they’ve had years of isolation, but it may make a huge difference in their lives.
I wish that one of my relatives or Mother’s friends would have reached out to me to help me feel better all those many years ago. It may have saved me years of angst and torture about what I felt I had done wrong when I had done nothing wrong…it was an illness I was battling not my Mother’s love.
Just a thought anyway. I’m sure it feels cathartic and also quite sad to have shared it all. The truth is always the way, and tears are cleansing..at least for me. I hope this post helps you and Meredith, if only there was a way to lessen the pain your parents have felt.
xx
z
What a sad story, but actually pretty common in alcoholic family systems. I think your sister is just trying to cope with life the best she can. You and Meredith have been able to navigate life’s journeys. Not everyone is that resilient.
The picture is lovely. I can see why Don likes it so much. It shows how nurturing you are, even as a child.
Hi Claudia,
Forgot to add that I love the photo of you as a child! You are adorable! It shows how nurturing and loving you are. Not everyone in family systems are resilient. Some people develop weird ways to cope. Just keep loving L from a distance. Acceptance of a situation doesn’t mean we like it or agree with it. It just means we detach the best we can.
Dear Claudia, you’re not the only one if this makes you feel any better. I really believe that every family has one or two. I have a brother who is a full pledged narcissist and the other one is not far behind. Believe me, I don’t lose sleep over them and I have stopped wondering a long time ago the why of it. My mother who is almost 88 is also a narcissist. But, believe it or not, I do love her. Because when she’s nice, she’s so nice. On the other hand, when she’s mean, she’s so mean. She can be cutting! My mother has always been a bewitching woman and I have always been bewitched by her. My father was also very much bewitched by her and she was the one who controlled everything. He passed away in 1991. She never remarried. We have gone sometimes two, three, five years without talking. And, strangely enough, she snaps her little finger and I’m there. Strange, isn’t it? Well, it’s because the only thing I’ve ever really wanted from her was her love. I have always felt, no not felt, known with certainty, that I was the least loved child. Anyways, Claudia, all this to tell you that relationships with dysfunctional people can be so painful at times. Sometimes, it takes a life time to heal from the wounds they can inflict on us. If possible, it’s always preferable to distance ourselves from them. At the moment, my mother is very ill and yes, we are talking. She snapped her little finger, and as always, I was there. So, Claudia, just accept your sister as she is. You can’t change her anyways. I do hope that the fact that you shared all this has helped you. You’re a very strong woman. Just enjoy your life!
We’ve discussed this many times and you know what I think. Borderlines cannot handle rejection. Once someone is out of sight, they’re out of mind. And as you well know, it’s a black and white world. Bipolars are often paranoid. I wish you had answers, as it would make it easier to go forward. But sadly, I don’t think you’ll get them unless something really tragic happens with her. Then the BIL and children might talk.
Brenda
Claudia, I have a very similar situation with my DIL. She won’t let me see my son or granddaughter, Jade. I haven’t seen them in 7 months.
Life just sucks sometimes.
S
xo
Claudia, I feel and I know your PAIN. I have a sister if you call her that we are 7 yrs. apart and we were never close because of the age diffrenece.
I have been married to my husband for 23 yrs and have a 20 yr old son and 17 yr old son.
My sister was always difficult to deal with, everything was my fault, the people next door, people at her college, people at her work BUT not my Father but my Mother ALWAYS stuck up for my sister’s Amy behavior. When she finally got married i wasn’t invited to the wedding, neither her newphews (our sons and of course my husband), BROKE MY HEART IN HALF! When my husband and I had each of our sons my parents and sister didn’t come to the hospital all because Amy didn’t want to come. She graduated college and still lived at home then 3 yrs later met her husband, We my husband and I met him 4 times breifly. She NEVER even took her newphew’s to a movie etc, then after she married then 2 yrs later she got pregrent and I wasn’t told and my Anutie called me to tell me and
I called my Mother and asked why didn’t Amy or you my Parents tell me and she said Amy made us PROMISE
not to tell you.
She at that point had her son already and my Mother had to tell me and I was very upset to say the least. I have never met her son to this day and he is almost 2yrs old and I had to go through alot of heartache.
I , husband or know my grown sons
have never done anything to her. All I ever wanted is to be great sister’s and frineds. I have never been to their home they bought and then I got sick with breast cancer and she never called or sent a card she just didn’t care.
I am in remission now(Praise the Lord)And as I say no card Amy never sent B-Day cards, Christmas cards to her newphews.
All I can say is NO ONE WINS!!
I have come to terms with this and now if I ever see her I have alot to say and I am NOT SAYING I AM SORRY! I have cried so much to my wonderful husband, (thank the Lord for him)I have no more tears.
So I understand 100% of what you have gone through and how you feel and for your other sister as well.
It is very hurtful and these things you can’t turn back the clock and change.
My heart bleeds for you because I know the pain to well.
I have NEVER spoke if this until now. I am a private person, I thought I was the only one and reading your story it made me want to share with you.
your in my prayers
Hugs,
Tricia XO
Claudia
Your family (Mere’s) and tale of estrangement is so very much like mine. THere is much pain. But, I have to believe they are doing the best they can with what they have. Relationships get very complex.
Wishing you peace on this issue.
Estrangement is so very difficult.
Claudia, I am so sorry for your pain and basically the loss of a sister. I can not even imagine. I do believe your correct in the fact she must have a mental illness. My heart aches for your parents knowing this.
My brother lives 5 miles from me and I rarely see him…he just dosen’t care. I am so family oriented and he is my only sibling. That hurts me so I can not begin to imagine your anguish.
I hope sharing it with your friends here it has helped somewhat.
have a good evening, snuggle up with the pups.
Your smile hasn’t changed since you were a child, Claudia. I’m just so sorry that now you have so much heartache. It seems so many families have riffs, but that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re in the midst of your own sadness/pain/anger.
You are fortunate to have Meredith in your life. Maybe one day L. will choose to get some help and find a bit of peace with her family and within herself.
-Karen
Hi Claudia, I feel your pain. It is truly a shame things are the way they are, but I really think L is deeply disturbed and of no fault to you or Meredith. It is surprising no one in her immediate family (husband and children) haven’t noticed or taken action to get her to the doctors. Maybe they have?!? It’s just really sad, I have a son who has had issues. All I can say, is that time does seem to heal and maybe it will for you. I’m so sorry and thank you for sharing your story and emotions.
xoRobin❤
First of all~ That photo is adorable!
Second~ I’m really sad for your family and the pain that your sister has caused. She must live a tortured life with her issues. Pain all around~ for her, and for her family that is trying to love her. It’s so sad.
Hugs,
Jill
I’m sorry for what you are going through, Claudia, and I understand it, too…when I finally accepted the situation for what it was, I was able to move on and not be so hurt by it. Self-protection, I guess… A BIG XO is being sent your way…
Claudia,
I am so sorry.
XO Kris
I could not go to sleep after reading your post. L has basically disowned her family. Mother’s sister did this. She was in the nursing home for nine years. As she lay dying, Mother was there for her son. Through her death, our family has reunited.
B & J are sweet people. They now visit and attend family functions. When Granny was alive, she said
L was mean not sick. Her name also began with an L.
I feel such a kindred connection to both of you two. I so hope that sharing this has helped. You have no idea how it touches my heart. Hugs, Kate
Claudia, I truly do understand. I have a brother in law like that. DH and I have no idea what we did or said that might have upset him. He didn’t come to his own mother’s memorial service when she passed away a couple of years ago.
Dear Friend,
I wish to comment in depth when I’m feeling better. I might be able to give you some insight…..maybe. I’m five days out of total withdrawal and I’m very weak and sick, but I will talk to you when I can.
Love,
Meri
I am the oldest of 5. We were a yours, mine and ours family. I have the biggest care giving responsibility out of the 5. I have my mother AND my step father. My father died when I was 9. My brother and I are 15 mths apart. I haven’t even spoken to him in 4 years. I have seen and heard from his wife and boys but mostly on facebook. He will not have anything to do with my/his mother. No fight, he did tell me once I criticized him and it upset him. I gave him my opinion. We don’t have same opinions and I say what I think. I am not right, and I am not the only way, but I will be heard. ALWAYS have been. He knows this. But he have the “perfect” life and we are poor and have a hard time and tell people things are not ok at home. My father was an alcoholic. He died drinking and driving. My brother subscribes to the side of the family that ignores this and I just went “OH! That’s why my life is what it is.” Just accepted it.
So in a way I understand. I am not as cut off, but it may get there. I have upset an Aunt and there fore was not invited to family functions this past year. Her sisters won’t cross her and my Grandmother stays out so they just exclude me.
I am sorry your sister has taken herself out of your family. Family is very important and I am very sorry she is not letting herself have one.
I am sorry you and your sister have this sorrow. It is never easy to have one so close just be gone, dead or estranged.
I am glad you shared. I hope it helped you to do so. We have to help ourselves some times too.
Hugs, Lisa
I don’t understand why some people choose estrangement from family members, but I have seen it in my best friend’s family.
The common denominator seems to be alcoholism in the nuclear family.
Since you are older, and were gone from home when she was a young child, maybe she went through her own hell that you weren’t aware of. Maybe, since you were so nurturing when she was in her formative years, she saw your leaving home as “abandonment”. You may never know, and it is good that you have come to terms with it. In her own mind, I’m sure she is justifying her estrangement as necessary for her survival. It is sad for everyone involved.
nancyr
I am so sorry Claudia. No matter how much you have been hurt and how hard you try to not let it get to you, it still does. She is family and you can’t forget about her. I am not close to my mother and to my only sib, my brother. I still grin and bear it and see my mother. She is always hurtful to me but adoring to my brother. Things have gotten a wee bit better with my brother. But my situation is nothing like this.
I do think that the religion may have a part in this. Some that claim to be very religious are really hurtful to other people. It’s not true religion or she wouldn’t be that way. Yes, there has to be some mental illness, I’m sure.
So glad that you have your sweet sister. It has to be so hard on your parents. I can’t even imagine. I am so sorry about your brother as well.
Claudia the picture of you is so adorable. You look the same today. So much beauty inside and out. ((((((HUGS)))))
My sister and I grew up in a difficult household.. emotionally void because of a failing marriage between my parents. I was angry… she was very very quiet. We weren’t close growing up mostly because of her quiet and my distance anger at the home situation… but we became very close as we grew up… when I grew up. I hope I never know life without her in it.
There’s no way, without her cooperation, to know where your sister is coming from. But childhood trauma follows you through life, as you know. Perhaps what you are seeing is her survival mechanism, right or wrong. Perhaps alchoholism is her demon too.
You can only leave the door open.. you can’t make her walk through it, ofcourse. And I would say you have three siblings, one deceased. You don’t need to give more of an explanation than that.
Claudia
I can certainly understand that this post have been under way for a long time. To me she sound very ill and in need for help. Family can be so cruel to each other.
I feel very sorry for you and Meredith and especialy for your parents. It´s the worst that can happen – that a child won´t see you any more. I´ve been there too.
I´m so happy for you that you and Meredith are so close.
You´re a brave women to post about such a personel matter.
xoxo
Hi Claudia: I have a lost brother. It breaks my heart. The worst is seeing the hurt on my Mother’s face when his name comes up. I understand too well. Hugs, Martha
Here is what I know for sure, we all have pain whether we talk about it or not. I commend you for writing this post, as hard as I know it must have been for you. You are clearly in the middle of a very bad situation and are dealing with it with grace. I hope she will come around before it’s too late.
Claudia, it could not have been easy to have written this, baring your heart and soul. It is clear that with all the heartache there is also pain and grief for a sister who you love. Nothing short of bewilderment is normal. It is like those stages of grief, and in the end finally accepting that no matter what you do things will not change. There can be no change until your sister L allows you and Mere to know why she is behaving the way she does. It could be too that she has a lot of jealousy in her heart, and it also sounds like she is unforgiving. Both of these traits will not get someone who claims to be a Christian into heaven, and it sets a very poor example of how Christ would want us to behave. No one goes to heaven with hate in their heart, no one. You can only do the best you can do, having made so many efforts to bring her into your family fold. What she chooses to do is her own reward, I say she must be one miserable woman. She is loosing out on so much. How sad for her.
(((HUGS))) Susanne :)
Your childhood sounds so much like mine. I had a spring loaded, raging alcoholic father and an angry, angry mother. I was the youngest of four sisters who tried to deal with all the anger, pain, abuse and terror on a daily basis. Unlike you, we are all still close and love each other so much. I knew we were lucky because it is very unusual for us to still be close in adulthood, growing up in a home like this. I read once it is because when you are so little the only person you can protect is yourself, so you sort of emotionally cut loose your siblings. I feel so blessed having my sisters still. I am 63 and still deal everyday with my childhood. You aren’t alone. My prayers are with you and Meredith and both your families. I pray that L will realize she is still dealing with her childhood and you and your sister are not at fault. Maybe it is just her way of trying to forget the most painful time of her life.
Blessings and prayers for you. I love your blog.
Hello. I just read your story regarding your family and the lost sister. You did a really good job of trying to be objective in writing about it, giving many angles and looking at the roles of various family members. My first reaction was to share with you a similar situation in my family, regarding an in-law who has for many years had a very tense and distant relationship with the rest of the family.
But, then as I read your story again, I was struck by how much your relationship with your sister reminded me of my relationship with my first husband, which disintegrated into divorce. It occurred to me that your sister has in a sense divorced herself from your family.
My ex-husband also was the child of an alcoholic father. I knew that fact when we married, but had no idea what an impact his father’s illness would have on our marriage. My ex seemed happy and well-adjusted. He was someone wonderful to be close to, but over time our relationship deteriorated into one in which he was angry all of the time, very critical of me and other family members, and emotionally and even physically distant, working long hours to be away from home. He tended to be more interested in me when I was having some difficulty than when I was experiencing some success. Eventually, I realized that we had gotten together at a time when I was struggling in some areas of life. He had been so supportive and a real encourager. But, whenever I started feeling sure of myself and more confident, he would become very critical of my choices and question my decisions, causing me to feel unsure of myself again. It was like he needed me to be unsure and lacking in confidence in order for him to feel in control. And, my background merged right in — my own upbringing had left me very wobbly in confidence. My parents were both children of alcoholics, and they both had some coping techniques that left my siblings and me with a lot of insecurities.
I’m not a therapist, but, my limited knowledge causes me to think that your sister’s insecurities cause her to need to be divorced from her family in order for her to feel stronger or more in control. Maybe she felt resentful of your sucesses, and her rejection of you is a way for her to have some success at your expense! I can only guess. But, I think if you mull over the divorce angle, it might be a new way to get some insights.
Ultimately, you just have to feel all the feelings, and try to reach a place of acceptance and forgiveness, of the other person and yourself. It’s something you sometimes have to go through everyday, for years.
Claudia,
I am so sorry reading your blog.
Of your life . Things you have mentioned it touches so close to home. I cannot talk about it anymore myself. I have to give it to the Lord. Go on with my life.
The family I mention is wonderful but the other people I have not spoken of. I just have to leave with the Lord. I can do nothing. My dad was an alcholic and my two brothers. I lived in a dysfuctional home.
Dear Claudia,
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I don’t understand why people do the things they do. I have five children, but two of my sons don’t talk to me because of their mentally ill father (yes, he was diagnosed, but they don’t know the details). One of them is 21 an the other is 28. I didn’t get to see them graduate. I met my grandson one time two years ago. He is almost three now. I have done everything I can, but their father has destroyed out relationship. I have 3 other children who they don’t communicate with either. My heart is broken. I come from a family of 5 and we always had large boisterous Italian gatherings. I am divorced now, my parents are dead and I have one daughter at home. The loud family gatherings are no more and my dreams of having my grown children and grandchildren running around my house are gone. It has been devastating. I don’t know what we are supposed to do when we have done everything humanly possible to reconcile. I just pray that someday we will be together. Agan,thank you for sharing. I get so tired of reading “Christmas Letter” blogs. I love your garden! It’s beautiful. Wishing you peace,
Clara