Yesterday would have been my brother’s 63rd birthday. He died in 1991 at the age of 44. There are four of us kids. Dave was the eldest, then me, then my two sisters. He fought long and hard against the illness that ravaged him and we were devastated when he left us. I miss him every day. Yesterday was also his youngest son’s birthday – so young when Dave died, now a husband and a father of a beautiful baby girl.
Love and loss. Those two words have consumed my thoughts lately. In any given moment, I find myself thinking of those I have lost – recently and 19 years ago. I’ve had to fly across the country to work, leaving my husband behind as he is mourning the loss of his father. It is too soon for me to be away. And now I am here, in San Diego, where my father-in-law and two of my great friends lived. My father-in-law died first, then within a week or so, Craig and Raul left us. I attended a memorial for one of them last Monday. There will be another memorial to attend on May 24th.
At the theater, every place I look is full of memories of my friends. The rehearsal hall, the offices, the theater – I spent countless hours with them here. When I am lucky enough to run into someone who has worked at the theater for a long time, our conversation turns to memories of these dear men. There are memories in every wall, prop, table, and stage.
This is the first time I have traveled back to San Diego that my father-in-law isn’t here. Or Craig. Or Raul. It is a bittersweet time. I miss them. I miss my brother. I grieve.
Yes, there are wonderful memories. Yes, I can smile at humorous remembrances. But more than anything, I feel a deep sadness. My brother’s birthday seems to have intensified that sadness, that grief.
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts – for giving me a safe place to write what is in my heart.
Claudia, I wrote of loss today in my Mother’s Day post, my Mom’s was suicide. I scrolled down and there you were – the simple words “love and loss” – funny how people connect through blogland and spirits. I just wanted you to know I am so sorry for your losses and I too smile and sudden thoughts of happy times yet miss her so. With Love, Jennifer jennsthreegraces
Claudia,
My heart is close to what your heart is feeling these days as well.
It doesn’t make it easier but it is so good to have been loved by so many special people in your life. Just to think, they WANTED to share their precious time with you and they live on in your heart. I’m right beside you, just taking it a day at a time. Hugs to you, Claudia.
xo~Tracie
Oh Claudia, I can relate to how you are feeling. For some reason, the sad mood just won’t seem to go away for me. It began about a week before my Mohter-in-law died and still lingers. I am feigning a good mood today, but I really don’t feel it. I do feel love, but deep sadness. I am so sorry about the losses in your life. I’m sure that being away from home just intensifies that feeling. i am with you in thought and spirit. I hope that your days pass quickly and that sleep comes easily and that your homecoming will seem to come even more quickly than it really will be. I am going to be up your way soon to celebrate grands’ birthdays. I always think about you as we drive through NY. It is such a beautiful drive across 84.
Claudia, I am so sorry for you loss. I cannot imagine how heavy your heart must feel, and I’m sending you warm hugs and heartfelt wishes for good things for you, sweet lady.
I have lost so many, many people I love, and I understand these feelings. It’s almost better not to be where they are not. Does that make sense? My cousins often query me about why I don’t go “home” more often, and this is a big part of it.
It starts for me in early spring (when I lost three of my very best friends and my first cousin who was like my brother) and climaxes in May as the anniversary of my mother’s death approaches. There are some things that are so beautiful… the way the light falls and creates shadows on the lawn, the blooming of certain flowers with the scent perfuming the air, that are so bittersweet I’m almost not able to breathe, but then those feelings are wrapped in a wave of gratitude for having had these wonderful people in my life along with the loved ones and new friends who are in my life currently.
The places of those gone on before will never be filled, but the memories of them are as alive to me as the people themselves. As long as we remember, they are very much alive. They live on in our heart’s memory.
XO,
Sheila :-)
Sweet lady~I can feel your heart felt pain in your words. Loss and sadness are so hard to deal with especially when there is so much love in the relationship with the person who is gone. Hugs to you for comfort.
Fondly~Cory/Dogwood
HI CLAUDIA,
YES, IT IS SO HARD HAVING A LOSS LIKE YOURS. ESPECIALLY WHEN A HOLIDAY IS NEAR. I’M SURE YOU ALSO FEEL THE SADNESS OF NOT BEING HOME WITH DON FOR MOTHER’S DAY, SO THAT JUST ADDS ON MORE SADNESS.
IT’S REALLY A SHAME,
YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY.
HAVE A NICE MOTHER’S DAY. RIZZI
I am so sorry for your sadness. I think you just have to feel sad about such profound losses. We do each other a dis- service when we expect happiness and smiles so much of the time. They had it right in past times when there were mourning rules. Such as what to wear (black), where to go, etc. I think that would be easier and people would understand the sadness better. I hope the sun shines on you through your grief.
Claudia,
You have written another beautiful post. Love and loss really sums up the way I have been feeling lately.
There is a saying that I think of often. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
You will be home soon and that will help. Take care my friend.
Hi Claudia,
Check your email for a special message.
Hugs,
Meri
Dear Claudia, it sounds like you need to go home tonight and just have yourself a good cry. Let all those emotions just spill. You have lost a lot and given up a lot this past month. Allow yourself some time to feel sad.
Hugs to you.
So much sadness lately. So many — including myself — seem awash in it. It’s wonderful that you could express it so eloquently. I, too, struggle and sometimes bristle at the “be glad for the good memories” antidote. It only makes me miss them more. (((hugs)))
This tribute to them makes me want to wrap my virtual arms around you and give you a Texas-sized hug. So do you feel me hugging you yet? Loss is unfathomable until it lands on our own doorstep. I truly wish you could just pack up and go home and be surrounded by your immediate family, which of course includes the dogs. Soon, my friend. Soon.
Love ya, Brenda
Claudia,
My wonderful sister. I miss David all the time,as you already know. I can only imagine that he would be amused that we still miss him so much. He has been gone 18 1/2 years and he has missed so much of our lives and those of his kids. He would be a Grandfather 4 times over. He would have been a hoot to watch with those little ones. I miss that he has never met my boys or John or Don. I believe he sees us and watches over all of us.
We talk about him all the time you and I. I think about him more this time of year and certainly on Sept. 4.
Sorry you are sad, I love and miss you,
XO, Mere
Claudia, I’m so sorry for all the losses you have endured. And I’m so sorry that you and Don have to be separated at this time. Thinking of you at this time… Donna
I’m so sorry. Glad you have this place to share feelings and get it all out, I hope it lightened the load on your shoulders, even if just a little. I’m thinking of you.
~Michelle
We’d love to have them all back…..all we can do is live with the lovely memories they gave us. I feel your sadness which is a good thing in that it shows you truly loved and cared for them.
Be strong, even though it’s hard when you are there alone I’m sure.
Warm hugs coming your way Claudia.
It takes time. It will get easier. I do find as I am older it gets harder. My father died when I was 9. My grandmother when I was 18. And my cousin 3 years ago. I feel more mad too. If I had them this long why loose them. I really do think about them more and more. I am sorry you are having such a hard visit this time. Too close. But next year will be better and so on. I know you still miss your brother after all these years and always will. Sorry you are having a sad week.
Big hugs my sweet friend♥
Lisa
Dear Claudia… Your post has touched us all it seems…such comfort we all find here in this big land of Blog… Where we can write what is in our hearts and have so many wonderful friends,, to listen,, and to help in any why that they can…. Some we will never meet,,but that does not seem to matter,, I too have had loss,,, some times to many,,,, but I find such love and compassion here,, so many Prayers too.. We are all Blessed to know each other,, as I am so Blessed to know you… I will be Praying for you and your Husband,,, God Bless you …..
Hugs;
Alaura
Claudia, It is the memories that get us through days like these. Remember the reasons they made you smile and embrace those memories. Take comfort in them. Hugs to you.
God bless you Claudia, this has to be such a hard time for you.
You are most certainly in my prayers.
Anne
claudia…that was so endearing. thanks for sharing your thoughts. those thoughts will help me and other that read them when we think about love and loss too.
you are inspiring.
i’m sorry for your losses though.
take care.
sue
Oh sweet friend..sorry for your losses…may you remember the good times…extra hugs today. xoxo
It seems I’ve been grieving for years and years; two sisters-in-law and a brother-in-law killed in one car accident, hit head on by a drunk driver on the way to the county fair. The next year my baby sister killed when her car malfunctioned plunging her down an embankment and into a tree. The loss of my mother-in-law the same year, my own mother to cancer a bit later, and then my father two years later. Sixteen months ago the loss of my beloved hubby . . . Claudia I truly understand some of what you’re going through right now. Yes, there are good memories, but even some of those hurt so much we think we can’t take the next breath. But, somehow we do, as we allow grief to have it’s healing way and in it’s own time. ♥
Dear Claudia,
I send you big hugs of love during this time of mourning you are in. Your are doing well, to look at your feelings and write about them, and share them with those you trust.
Grief is what it is, some days better than others, a process, that can be honored and beautiful.
Again, I send you loving thoughts and hugs,
Terri
Claudia your post here certainly hit home today. I have been thinking lately of those close to me who are no longer here and doing a little grieving of my own. I don’t know why this time of year my dreams are full of them. I hope you soon feel comforted with the knowledge that love continues.
I loved the sweet note from your family. I hope all is well with you.
hugs
Claudia I am so sorry for your losses. I too have had many losses April is a difficult month for me, My Mom suiside was devastating and my Dad passed two weeks later with cancer now that was 40 years ago but this April my oldest sister passed on the 19th. Now my dearest sweetest friend is fighting cancer and it is so hard to see her so ill. My prayers are with you too in these sad days.
Grief is a funny thing, just when we think we’ve conquered it, it blindsides us. I’m sorry you are feeling this sense of loss but I do understand, it is now about how much time has passed, it is about the lost love. While we manage to move on there is always an empty spot just for the ones we miss so dearly. May you find comfort in knowing that God walks with you and knows your hurt.
A sweet hello and big, big hug from Frog Hollow Farm. I haven’t been checking my favorite blogs in a few days, but when I read your post I felt so terrible. I had to write to let you know that you are in my thoughts. I hope the next few weeks bring you some peace of mind as well as some calmness in your soul. You are truly a very special person who has been so blessed to know so many wonderful people. I feel so shallow with my own concerns about my blog the other day!!! Ciao, bella!
I am so sorry for your loses Claudia and missing them can be almost unbearable. You are in my thoughts and prayers sweetheart.
Hugs,
Maryjane
oh Claudia, I’m so sorry you were feeling so sad! Grief does come out of nowhere sometimes….just a smell, or a song will be a reminder….but try to reflect on all the good memories and not the loss itself.
My sister passed away suddenly on my Birthday a few years ago…it was such a shocking blow, both by her passing and that it was on my Birthday. I try not to reflect on that when I celebrate my birthday…but sometimes I really have to push that thought aside!
Hope you are feeling better today and it won’t be long before you are home!