This photo travels with me wherever I go.
We’re heading into our first Christmas without our dear girl. The past few years have been full of ‘firsts.’ First Christmas without Don’s dad. First Christmas without Riley. First Christmas without Mom. First Christmas without Dad. First Christmas without Scout.
This loss, this forever change, is something we all wrestle with and I’m certainly not special in that regard. Coming to terms with the absence of loved ones is a daily struggle, but it is made even more poignant during the holiday season.
Which brings me to what we expect or hope or wish was ours on Christmas Day. There can be so much pressure for a picture-perfect Christmas. That’s not helped by the media, by Pinterest, by Instagram. I let go of that sort of pressure long ago. I wrote a post five years ago on this blog about Christmas and the expectations surrounding it: There is No Perfect Christmas. I just reread it and it still holds true.
There is no perfect Christmas, but there is wonder and gratitude and love. Love never dies. As we acknowledge our losses, we also affirm our love for those we’ve lost which is never-ending. We are grateful for their presence in this physical plane of existence and, when they have left us, for their spiritual presence which is never-ending.
And, if I allow myself to stop and breathe and think about my loved ones, I am filled with wonder. And isn’t that what the season is truly about?
That doesn’t make the sense of loss any less, but it does make me grateful for the chance I’ve been given to love and be loved.
Heading home for the holidays tomorrow.
Happy Thursday.
“And, if I allow myself to stop and breathe and think about my loved ones, I am filled with wonder. And isn’t that what the season is truly about?”
Oh, I love this, Claudia! Yes that is what the season is about. I am filled with the presence of my mother especially, at this time of year.
Merry Christmas to you!
Thinking of you, Karen. Merry Christmas to you and yours. xo
beautifully said
Thank you, Carolyn Marie.
Indeed. And some people don’t get the special parents, or a Riley, or a Scout. I wonder at that too: Why was I so blessed to have loved and been loved by these beautiful people who have come into my life (no matter how long they were physically with me)? Wonder. . .and gratitude. Peace to you ~ These are huge losses and changes, any season. ♥
I know. I can’t explain that, try as I might to make sense of it. I wish everyone could feel loved.
This is a sad Christmas for me. First without Charlie Kitty. Tomorrow the 1st anniversary of my brother’s passing. But through it all, I treasure the memories and the love and the gift that each of these were to me in my life. I am so blessed to still have my Mom with me to share this holiday, and of course my children and Grandchildren. Sweet, Sad and Joyful all at once.
Hugs and much love to you and Don.
All at once. I understand, my friend.
So true. I made mention the other day as I was making out Christmas cards that there are less this year. Looks like there are changes coming for us in the new year.
By the way, I hope that you will have the opportunity to visit the Traveler’s Restruant in Union, CT. If you do hopefully they’ll sit you at the table so you can watch the birds at the feeder. And a visit to the Antique place nearby.
Merry Christmas
Trina
I’ll try to get there, but my days are pretty full, Trina. Thank you!
Beautifully written Claudia. Safe travels home and a very Merry Christmas to you and Don.
Thank you, Vera. The same to you!
This season is filled with so much emotion…I often find myself tearing up when I hear certain Christmas songs. They are usually good tears…happy tears. Tears shed for loved ones no longer in my life. But…there is much happiness too. I am so grateful for my family…they always remind me of how blessed I truly am! Safe travels tomorrow! ;)
Thank you, Donnamae!
Love never dies are some of my favorite words and have used them many times to face my own grief as well as that of friends. Every time I say good bye to my grandchildren, I tell them “I will always love you no matter where I am”. A dear friend in England has a wonderful Christmas tradition. Every Christmas the large tree in their garden is filled with lanterns; each lantern represents a loved family member who has passed. They gather round the tree evenings lighting the lanterns and remembering each loved one and the good times they shared. Sending Christmas good wishes, Dianne
Such a lovely idea your friend has! Beautiful. Merry Christmas, Dianne!
I’ve had to redefine my holiday season many times over the years. Like you, Claudia, going through first holiday seasons without each person and cat who died makes the holidays a little less festive and a little more pensive for me. I decided to let go of some of the stress of this season, creating homemade gifts the past few years and avoiding the shops except for the occasional spool of thread when I ran out of a color! Be safe, Claudia, as you drive home. I hope good driving weather is with you.
It sounds like you’re being smart about the season and avoiding as much stress as you can, Wendy. The weather forecast looks good for tomorrow.
So beautifully said Claudia. We too are without our little Nash and Mister this season. Along with my Daddy and niece whom we both lost in the month of December. Trying to enjoy Christmas while dealing with the failing health of both of our parents has been quiet the challenge.
Yet this time of year is so very special to me. I’ve lost many like others and Christmas is hard without them but this time of year is so magical to me and brings so much hope. We too are doing our best to focus on all of our blessings and remembering our babies and loved ones and all the joy and love they brought into our lives.
Taking a trip for the first time in ten years to one of our favorite places – the mountains of Tennessee. Cannot wait to spend a few days in nature exploring all of the wonder and beauty of those mountains and celebrating this wonderful time of year with my best friend and husband.
May this holiday be filled with love and laughter for you and Don. And may your hearts smile when you remember your babies, parents and other loved ones who are not with you. Sending many hugs to you both.
Sending love to you as you face this Christmas without your loved ones, Belinda.
Have a wonderful tim on your trip! Merry Christmas to you and yours.
I was lucky to have wonderful Christmas’s as a child. Now however Christmas is mostly a melancholy time for me.
Thanks for sharing your experience and feelings.
Have a Merry Christmas.
They can be melancholy for me, too, Kay. I’m going to try hard to stay positive this year, though it’s certain I have my moments of sorrow. Merry Christmas, dear friend.
Lovely and very true post. Couldn’t agree more. I was lucky enough to have “childhood” Christmases until I was 43 years old. That’s how long I had both my parents. The ways we celebrated obviously changed from the time when we were little but we were all always together on Christmas Eve & for those of us without in-laws, Christmas Day as well. Even our pets were always included and this year will be our first Christmas without my sister’s Golden Retriever, Cooper, whom she lost in June. This incredibly-lovable goofball wanted nothing more than to be loved & petted and would literally SIT ON YOUR FEET to prevent you from getting up & moving away. I like to think I was his favorite “aunt” because he did stick with him a lot, and it’s going to be strange for us to be together without him, as it’s already been at family picnics this year, and our annual clambake. But Cooper was the original “party animal” so we know he’s nearby. Maybe even sitting on my feet still.
PS – loved your post from back in 2011 [before I was a reader]. Sums it up perfectly. There are no Ward & June Cleaver families out there & pretending there are is just stress-inducing and unrealistic. Besides, imagine how mind-numbingly dull things would be? Sounds odd to say it but I think we need the tough or difficult times to appreciate when things are good! 🎄
#ThisIsNotNormal-ThisIsNuts
Oh, sweet Cooper will be missed. But I bet Cooper will be there with you, as Scout, Riley and Winston will be there with us.
Dear Claudia
What a beautiful photo you have posted today it’s one of my favorites ! A perfect triangle of love! I always remember Scout and Riley, I loved those sweet babies .I miss them in your daily posts.I miss those sweet faces.As you certainly say there’s no perfect Chistmas to many of us .Every loved one we have lost human or animal is deeply missed in this special season but they are inside our hearts all the time and never forgotten that’s the important.I hope you have an enjoyable stay in Hartford and join your husband soon!
xoxo Alicia Buenos Aires
Thank you for your lovely words, Alicia. xoxo!
Beautifully said, Claudia. Thank you.
xoxo
You’re welcome, Melanie.
Safe travels tomorrow, Claudia. Hope you will be on your way before “rush hour” is in full force. Do you head back on Sunday or Monday? Enjoy your time with Don. So glad you get those couple of days off and it is do-able for you to make it home.
We have 2-4 inches of snow coming tomorrow and then thunderstorms (????) on Christmas day. Wacky weather!! Hope you had a great day.
I am not called tomorrow, so I’ll get on the road in the morning. Huzzah! I will head back on Monday morning – early!
I was dusting today (This is always a challenge for me!) Came across a little ballerina figurine, typical sixties. Of no monetary value, but this sweet girl belonged to darling MIL. She was a dynamo, always busy with a project. She worked, took care of an invalid husband and never complained. The ballerina represents the woman I first met forty one years ago, not the frail old lady who died four years ago. A little tear came then a big smile. I was reminded of the Joan Baez song “Forever Young”. Her hands were indeed always busy.
This is the season for smiles and tears, for regretting, remembering but always rejoicing. May you and Don have a blessed Christmas.
That is lovely! Thank you for sharing this. Merry Christmas!
Amen my friend. Couldn’t have said it better myself. xo
Thank you, April!
Hi Claudia, I used to be an avid and faithful reader of your blog (I’m the big KC Royals fan). About a year ago, my time became very limited due to many things, but especially as my dad’s health took a downturn and I was the only family member in town to help my parents manage. Long story short, through many struggles, I lost my dad in late November. It is so so difficult for me to handle – especially as we approach Christmas and the winter months ahead. Of course, I’m down and out right now with a horrible cold – so as I lay in bed feeling miserable this early morn, something tells me to check in on Claudia and Mockingbird Hill Cottage. Coincidence? I think not. Your latest post from yesterday was a message I needed to hear and dad wanted to make sure I saw it. No doubt. Thank you Claudia. I will reread it many times. With tears in my eyes and love in my heart, Deb.
Now you’ve made me cry! Oh, Deb. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved father. My thoughts are with you as you move through this transition. He is with you, Deb. I know he is. Light a candle for him and know that he is there. Much love, Claudia
PS – As I look at that photo of you, Don and Scoutie, I see the three of you form the shape of a heart ….. just like the shape of the mark that Scout had on her back. Special!
Ah, thank you for saying that! You’re right! It’s a heart. xo