I look like my mother. I have my father’s brown eyes, my aunt’s freckles…but my face and my walk are my mother’s. Our faces are heart-shaped. Our noses have the same bump, courtesy of my grandfather. Same eyebrows, same cheekbones, same chin, same mouth, same jawline, same widow’s peak.
When someone who knows my mother meets me for the first time, the response is invariably, ‘You look just like your mother!’ I find that as I get older, I see it even more. I cock my head in the same way she does. When I’m thinking about something, I sometimes find myself covering my mouth with my hand in the same way she always has. Don will sometimes say that I sound just like my mother – usually when I say something in a slightly disapproving manner.
I reflect on all this as I try to cope somehow with a mom who doesn’t seem to want to get better. A mom who is the same, yet different – who doesn’t seem to feel any joy in life anymore. She doesn’t have a disease. She is simply fading away. My sister tells me there is a term used in her work as an OT – failure to thrive. That is the best way to describe what’s going on. How do you make someone care? I speak to her everyday. She just wants to go home. But she can’t until she’s stronger and she can’t get stronger unless she works at it. We discovered that some medications she takes daily had been left off the list when she transferred to the Rehab facility. Once we got that ironed out, we had a day or two of mom acting a bit more like herself. But that was temporary.
I am a funny person and I could always make my mom laugh. Nowadays, if I can get a little chuckle out of her, my heart soars. But that is rare. Meredith took her dog Max (mom adores him) to the facility yesterday. Mom was taken outside to see him and not even the hint of a smile came to her face.
I look like my mother. As I look in the mirror and see her face reflected in mine, I want to will her better, to send all of my energy to her, to grab her and hold her and tell her to stop all this foolishness and fight.
That is the state of things, my friends. A sort of limbo where we see no improvement and which, try as we might, we have no power to change.
Dear Claudia, unfortunately I have seen this occur many times in seniors. The fading away. It is, I think, depression. A general lack of desire to do or be anything. I also saw this in my Mother who was 68 when she died but she was very sick and tired of being sick. I believe that prayer is the battle. For me anyway this has always been the case. For me to let go of my control of a situation that really I have no control of anyway. Big hugs to you today my friend♥olive
A few years ago I might have written this post. My mother, whose face and mannerisms I carry, lived in her own home until the age of 94, when a damaged wrist took her to hospital. The medical judgement was that she could not return home. We found a wonderful purpose built flat with 24 hour care, but she began a gentle process of fading away and died a year later. It is a natural process, and fading is kind and gentle. Your mother’s photograph is very beautiful. Accept the happy times you’ve had, the ability you have had to make her laugh and the knowledge that she knows she is loved.
Oh Claudia,
How difficult…my gram is 93 and doing the same thing. It’s hard to watch their personality fade as well.
I hope there will be change soon. You are so beautiful, just like your mama.
Claudia, what a beautiful, tender post this is. I have no advice or words or wisdom, but just write to say that I feel for you and I pray that your mother knows how lucky she is to have such a lovely, loving daughter.
Dear Friend ~ My Mom is starting to fade too. She misses Daddy terribly and try as I may, it’s hard to keep her spirit lifted for long. I understand the pain you are feeling right now. I think that all we can do right now is keep trying and say lots of prayers! I’ll remember you and your dear Mom in my prayers tonight.
Lots of love,
Susan and Bentley
xxoo
PS: Getting old stinks doesn’t it!!
Claudia- I wish I had some words of advice to give to you. I’m sending you love ♥
hi claudia,
i agree wholeheartedly with rosemary (share my garden)on this.
your mother is very beautiful, as are you.
take care as i know that letting go is hard.
~janet
HI CLAUDIA,
HOW HARD IT MUST BE FOR YOU. JUST WHEN YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS OK, YOUR HOME WITH DON, AND YOUR TWO BABIES, THE WEATHER IS CHANGING FOR THE BETTER, AND WE HAD SOME RAIN, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING WAITING IN THE BACKGROUND. MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOUR MOM, AND YOU TOO.
IF THERE WAS ONLY SOMETHING THAT WOULD PERK HER UP, AND GET HER GOING AGAIN. TAKE CARE CLAUDIA.
RIZZI
Claudia, My heart aches for your family. It’s such a difficult time and it sounds like everyone is doing everything they can to help your mom. She is so lucky to have you all working so hard on her behalf, just as you are lucky to resemble her, not just in the physical sense, but in your mannerisms as well. My mother too repeatedly said she wanted to go home even though her home did not really exist anymore. She, I think, just really wanted to go “back to normal”. Is your mom well enough to go offsite for an hour or two? The short trips away from the facility we took brought, or at least I like to think they did, a sense of “normal” to my mother. I will be hoping your lovely mother will get her fight back.
How sad that not even her pup could bring a smile to her face. I’m sure the pup misses her a great deal and wonders when she is coming home.
Sending all my best to your mama in hopes that something will make her smile today.
Di
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom, Claudia. So heartbreaking for you and your family.
I’m glad you can cherish her memories to get you through this time. Prayers also for you!
Jillian
Bella Rosa Antiques
Sorry to hear that about your mother… hope she and you find the right way to help her as soon as possible.
abrazos,
maria cecilia
Dear Claudia,
Yes your are right we can’t change our parents as hard as we try.I know you must have cried a pillow full of tears and have prayed for Gods help. But it’s really in Moms hands how she chooses to live. I know how sad it makes you feel and how your heart hurts for her. I am so sorry..
Big and Bigger hugs for you,
Elizabeth
I was hoping you were going to end with her doing better…still praying for you & her. Stay strong, you probably have more from her than just her beauty:) :)
You truly do look like her and she is gorgeous, honey. I know the feeling. My mother didn’t remember any of us in her last years.
xoxo,
Connie
Hi Claudia, Your mom is beautiful!! I hope she gets well soon….Kathy
Here is a (((((hug))))) from me.
I adore this posting. Great picture of you too.
Claudia,
I am so sad for you and your beautiful mother. It is so sad when we cannot solve the problem or take away the pain or make everything the way it used to be. Take care, my friend.
Carol
Oh dear, sweet Claudia… I have tears running down my face right now. My heart is breaking for you, and your dad and your sister and for your beautiful mom. I pray that she gets to go home very soon, and I pray for strength for all of you during this trying time… Your friend, Donna, who can relate to this post
Claudia, I am sorry that you are not able to get your mom to fight. My thoughts and prayers go with you and your family.
Hello Claudia,
My heart breaks for you. I went through a similar thing with my Mom. She refused to go to a nursing home but needed full time
care. She wouldn’t live with me either. I became a long distance caregiver and when she got really bad, we hired a live in caregiver.
There were lots of problems with that, but that’s another story.
Everytime I saw my Mom I could tell that the light had gone from her eyes and her mind was fading.
She never really came back.
I know this is so hard for you. I’m sure your Mom just wants to be in her own home. If it is possible to do that, then you might see a change in her. Whatever your decision, I wish you strength and blessings.
And yes, you do look like your Mother. Very beautiful.
hugs
Sissie
Hi Claudia,
You look beautiful and yes, you do look so much like your mom.
I wish I could do something to make you feel better and your mom want to “want”. I keep you in my prayers, friend. I know it’s not an easy journey but I’m with you.
xoxo~Tracie
Well, I’m always straight with you. She isn’t that beautiful young woman any more, and she’s tired. I don’t know why they give up. I guess someday maybe I will. But when they do, I am sure it is the most horrible and uncontrollable feeling for those that love them. Because there simply isn’t a lot you can do, my sweet and dear friend. I wish I could hug you, daughter that looks so much like her mother.
Brenda
hi claudia,
i totally get it and can relate since i have a similar thing going on with my mom. it’s sad and it stinks. :(
sending hugs your way …
xo
elyse
Your mother is gorgeous…. and you look like her. :)
Oh how I remember all that you are going through. And it IS such a helpless feeling when absolutely nothing you do seems to make things better — makes them snap out of it.
Man I wish I could join you in the journey. I don’t have all the answers — okay, none of them — but I’ve walked the path.
Love you, friend.
Ruth
Hello dear friend, I’ve been away for a bit and have just read about your concerns regarding your mom. I feel your pain and sadness – and your frustration! It’s so hard to understand someone when we can only rationalize, think and feel from our own bodies and minds. My heart goes out to you and even though it’s kind of corny my prayers are for a fairy godmother to come and sprinkle some magic on your mom to help find her way back to being the mother that you miss. Ciao, bella!
Claudia……you are both beautiful. It’s so sad to watch our parents fade away right before us and especially makes us feel so helpless. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
caren
Dearest Claudia, you do look like your darling Mother! Both beautiful. I am very touched by your writings and the deep sorrow you are feeling. We never know what life has in store for each of us. Oh, life’s ups and downs. I to wish I could give you a big hug! Know that you are loved and cherished. Praying for you and your Mommy.
Love,
Maryjane
xox
Oh sweetie what a hard thing to watch. I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine what it would be like to see my life as not worth living. I am also sorry for you that you have to watch your mother like this. It is heartbreaking for you both. Please know I am praying and sending hugs to you both daily.
Lisa♥
Oh Claudia Sweetie…
I will be lifting your sweet Moma up in prayer. Sometimes when we get older and we have some sort of trauma in our lives, we just lose our will. She will find it, we will all help her through prayer sweetie.
I will be adding you to my list of prayers also, as I know you need strength too. Yes my precious friend, you are beautiful just like your precious Moma. I thank you for sharing with me today.
Her spirit and her laughter and smile will come back. We are all going to be praying about that sweetie. Keep me post please. Many hugs and so much love, Sherry
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom’s problems. My father is fading these days because of Alzheimer’s, and there’s nothing sadder than seeing a beloved parent slip away. I hope there’s some improvement with your mom. I know it must be so hard for her and for everyone that loves her.
Claudia, it is so hard to see our parents age. They were the strong ones for us for so many years, and now we have to be strong for them. But we don’t quite know how to fill those shoes. My own dad is slipping slowly, physically and mentally. Some days are better than others, but we all know that he isn’t going to get better.
Sending you hugs.
Stop by my blog when you have a chance. I’m having a little giveaway.
Oh Claudia~ I went through this with my mother-in-law. You don’t understand why they don’t LIVE their lives~ but it’s often because they have ill health or a loss of loved ones or their purpose in life…it is often a natural process, but it doesn’t make it easy to watch. You are both such lovely women…XO
I’m so sorry, Claudia. That must be so hard for you.
Karin
Claudia my heart aches for you. I would give almost anything to have my mom back. How hard this must be. All you can do is love her. She DOES love you. The agony of her own issues are consuming, the pain of living almost too much to bear. Even though you truly love each other. I too have my mother’s widows peak. Your mom and you are lovely. Bless your hearts.
Claudia, I don’t have any answers or magic words of comfort. It is so difficult to accept that try as we might, as you said, there are situations we have no power to change. Your post touched me. Sending you {{hugs}}
Oh, Claudia! I’m so sorry. I know only too well what you are going through. But unlike your mom, my mother tried so hard not to give up for her husband.. she trusted my dad (the doctor)… and he tried everything to keep her alive. At the end, he only succeeded in extending her suffering. She couldn’t talk and gave him a very clear thumbs down signal. He just wasn’t buying it. It was brutal for us kids. When she was finally able to let go, I went to see her dead body still at the hospital. She was smiling. She was smiling! A relief and the most important thing I’d ever done. I needed to witness that. I don’t know if this helps. My mom, when her mom died at 98 years old cried and said, ” you are never ready to lose your mother.” We are never ready to lose our mothers. Never. It is the hardest thing.
I send you all my good wishes that your mom recovers from her malaise and is with you many more years. (I too look JUST LIKE MY MOM (except the eyes, which are my dad’s)… weird. Another topic for another time.)
I love you.
Such a sweet and heartfelt post Claudia. Just try to enjoy a little something each day, be it a memory or a hug or smile. I’m sure your mother is suffering the lost of her health, her youth and her home. Just continue your loving kindness and support. She knows you are there and that you love her. That is what’s most important. I hope you have some good days ahead. She is so blessed to have a daughter like you.
Sending you love and prayers,
Kathi
Dearest Claudia,
I so wish I could hug you and comfort you in your pain. I know it wouldn’t make a whit of difference in regards to your mom, but I just want you to know how cared for you are, and that I think of you often. Just being there for your mother is one of the most precious things you can do. In her mind, she’s in control, and the best we can do is respect it and celebrate their lives, as we knew it.
Your mom and you are in my prayers.
God Bless,
Meri
Dear Claudia,
So sad a situation, for your mom, and you, with the whole family.
I have heard of many older people not wanting to live any more, that kind of gives up—I understand your sorrow,sweet,and wish your mother will find the love of life again.
Hugs,Dorthe
Oh dear Claudia, my heart goes out to you, it’s 4 am here and I couldn’t sleep so thought I’d come by for a visit.
I can’t imagine how hard this is to watch your beloved mother’s spirit fade away, but it is the way of life sometimes. Perhaps it will come back, perhaps not, just love her through it. That’s what I’d want from my children, to just love me through it.
Claudia, you know that you and Meredith are in my thoughts every day.
Claudia, I’m holding you close in my heart and prayers. I do know how hard this is.
Your post is beautiful.
Dearest Claudia,
I don’t stop by often… so glad I did today. I wish I had wise words. This is all I can say… you, like your mother, are quite a beautiful girl. And to raise such a caring daughter, she must be, like you, a very dear soul.
Peace,
Julia~
I’m so sorry about your mother. I understand what its like to worry about a loved one who doesn’t want to fight. Sending healing thoughts for a positive outcome.
You and your mother are both beautiful!
I too wish that I knew how to comfort you with words, Claudia, but I don’t. I will say though, don’t let go. Hold on as tight as you can, for as long as you can. You’ll never regret that. Tell your mama, you love her everyday, and be happy, sweetie, in spite of it all. That’s the best gift you can give to those who love you. Carry peace with you, wherever you go.
Love,
Lena
I love that you are so caring about your still lovely mother – and you are certainly her beautiful daughter. You are both in my prayers because I know how it feels. I miss mine – I was so much like her, not in looks, but in spirit.
I’m catching up – I apologize for tardy comments – my life has been in turmoil lately!