The view around here lately:
In order: a snowy coneflower, a snowy birdbath, cat tracks on our porch, and an icicle just outside our upstairs bathroom window.
Don left yesterday morning and I confess to having a bad case of the blues the rest of the day. My little girl was also in a funk. Even this morning, she keeps looking for him. It breaks my heart.
I miss him.
Believe me, I’m no expert on marriage. I only know that Don and I have a great marriage that just gets better with time. After last year when we were away from each other for a total of seven months, being together every day for the last four months has been simply wonderful. I am profoundly grateful for our relationship, for our marriage. And I’m proud of it.
We often find ourselves saying something like “I’m so lucky I found you”. Or “How did we get so lucky?”
But really, I’m going to stop saying that. Luck had nothing to do with it. Both of us made mistakes before we met each other. Both of us had ‘issues.’ Both of us felt fear. Both of us were afraid of commitment. Both of us were vulnerable. But we were willing to change our patterns, to try a new way, to take a risk and learn and grow and say I’m sorry and say I love you and face our deepest fears.
That isn’t luck. That’s hard work.
I successfully avoided marriage until I was in my forties. I wasn’t ready to commit and I knew it. If I had married in my younger years, I would have been divorced. I was self-aware enough to know that truth about myself in the years before I met Don. In addition to that, I have never been someone who fell prey to the pressure to be part of a couple. I didn’t need a man to ‘complete me’ or validate me as a woman. Somewhere along the way in my youth, I learned that. I held fast to that.
It was a new and challenging and somewhat scary wrinkle when Don came into my life. Did I want to get involved? Wouldn’t it be easier not to? Of course. But I knew this guy was special and I had a glimmer, just a glimmer, of what might be. I had to open a door and slowly let him in. I was a fully functioning, happy adult woman before I met Don. He simply added another wonderful dimension to my life, one that I never take for granted and one that has enriched my life ever since the day we met.
Love isn’t enough. I humbly submit that there must be mutual respect as well. And liking. I like my husband. If for some reason we hadn’t fallen in love, he would still be my friend. He is my friend.
And Trust. Oh, there has to be trust. I wouldn’t give a fig for a relationship without trust.
We’ve worked hard at this relationship. We work hard on our marriage.
Not all marriages are happy. I know that. I’ve seen many of my friends divorce. There’s been divorce in my immediate family. Sometimes people grow apart or betray each other or get married for the wrong reasons. I think so many people get married for the wrong reasons, leaving an opening, a gap, where there is space for an affair or indifference or dislike or lack of trust to slowly insert its malignancy into the fabric of the marriage.
You know, I’ve never been one to sit around with other women and bash my husband, whether it’s purely playful or deadly serious. I’ve never understood that. I don’t feel comfortable making fun of either my husband or our marriage. It’s an easy laugh, I guess, but at what cost? I respect my husband too much for that. I know, every day, that I am blessed by the presence of this man in my life, by our marriage.
As Don says, it’s the thing I’m the most proud of. It’s our proudest accomplishment.
And you know what? Luck had nothing to do with it.
Happy Saturday.
Beautifully written, Claudia. And absolutely.. hard work and a determination and respect from both members of a “couple” is essential. Forgive me for disagreeing with the idea that luck had nothing to do with it, however. I say this because there are many people out there who are ready, willing and able to have that kind of relationship, but they never cross paths with the other part of the equation. Or, their full belief that this is what they have turns out to be an illusion. My marriage isn’t perfect, but it is nurturing and rewarding in the ways that are important to us, and I do feel that I am lucky to have figured that out and he the same.
It’s clear from your writing that you treasure each other tremendously.. what a gift – one you’ve given each other.
I agree, Karen. We were fortunate to cross paths but I don’t think that is due to luck so much as a belief I have that we attract people into our life that reflect what we believe about ourselves. I think it’s an active, vital energy that we send out. Right before I met Don, I had a epiphany that I know in my heart directly led to my meeting with him. It wasn’t luck, it had to do with a clear choice that I made. I’ll write about it sometime. xo
You’ve peaked my interest with your comment about the choice you made and hope that you do choose to write about it, Claudia. As a single woman in my 50’s, I appreciate your description of a grown-up relationship with a strong friendship at its core.
Karen
I will write about it, Karen. It may take me a bit of time, as I want to put my thoughts about this into words that make sense. But I will.
Claudia, what a lovely post! The two of you are special indeed and you are correct, luck has nothing to do with it. Luck is what brings you together in the first place; hard work and commitment is what makes it stick. Theatre is not the most healthy place for a marriage but the two of you realized early on how special is this relationship and have nurtured it into this spectacular blooming garden. Sometimes there are weeds, which are promptly plucked out. Some areas are resistant to growth and you have patiently nursed those fallow plots to healthy growth. And in the end, you have this sweet plot of blooms that gives back to you with bouquets of love. So blessed and so deserved. You both are “master gardeners” in this journey. Forever may you flourish! Fondly Tina and Noble
Thank you my friend. I look at you and Noble and think the same thing – It’s so worth it, isn’t it?
Claudia, A beautiful love message for Valentines Day! Doris
Thank you, Doris! xo
Claudia, your writing and your marriage are an inspiration. I have a wonderful marriage, too, but we went through many rough years to get to that point. All that hard work you speak of is worth it! There were times when it would have been so easy to give up – and we nearly did – but I thank God that we didn’t. If I could counsel anyone having difficulty in a marriage that is the one thing I would tell them – that if you stick it out and really work on it, you can end up with the most wonderful treasure.
Yes, indeed. My parents have been married for over 65 years and there are many times one or both of them felt like walking out. Believe me, my dad’s alcoholism would have been grounds enough. But they stuck it out and even today, with mom in a nursing home for the rest of her days with dementia taking over, my dad visits her every day and holds her hand and tells her he loves her. That miracle is something I treasure.
I also feel very blessed to be married to a wonderful man who is also my best friend. Opposite of you though I met him when I was only 15 years old. We were married when I was 18 and he was 22. This year will be our 36 anniversary. We finish each other’s sentences. We love to be together. Jus sitting and reading books together or watching a favorite show on T.V. Every moment with him is a gift that I cherish. Thank you for this beautiful post.
Blessings,
Betsy
How amazing, Betsy. Meeting him when you were 15, marrying at 18 and still together after 36 years of marriage. Bravo!
By the way, I always say to Don that it’s the simple things I treasure most. Knowing he’s in the next room, sitting together on the sofa and watching a program on television. I know what you mean.
Good for your :) I have always said marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do and it takes time to grow and get better. I think you got it right with Don :)
I think you got it right with Duke, too. xo
Good for you. Marriage does take a lot of work, even when you are as well suited for each other as the two of you are. I am very happy for you, my friend. I have been single for a very long time, but know that I don’t need someone else to validate who I am. I am just grateful for my two wonderful daughters. xo Laura
You absolutely don’t need someone to validate who you are. Amen to that, Laura!
My husband and I were best friends. He accepted me for who I was and I accepted him. You are exactly right, Claudia. Luck has nothing to do with it. It was hard work and determination to walk that path together. He was ill for the last 25 of our 39 year marriage. Never a day went by that I did not love him. Arguments? Sure. All the things that go with that many years, but we were together and that made it workable. He flew away 5 years ago and I still talk to him and know he is waiting for me. We were sweethearts, just as you and Don are sweethearts.
Blessings to you both.
Blessings and love to you Regena. Your marriage was a testament to your hard work and devotion to each other. I shouldn’t say ‘was’ – it still IS.
xo
This is a beautiful post! Makes me think it’s St. Valentine’s day already! Hubby and I met when we were 19….and married at 23. In a few months…it will be 40 years! And, you are right….it does take respect…work…friendship…and a sense of adventure never hurts! And let’s not forget laughter! BTW, love your birdbath…looks like it’s made of cement…wouldn’t it crack? Mine’s just as full of snow….and it’s snowing again! ;)
Oh my gosh, without laughter we would be sunk! We laugh all the time.
The birdbath has never cracked, although there’s always a first time!
Congratulations on almost forty years!
What a wonderfully written post !! My husband and I will be married 36 years on April Fools Day. We had to have a serious sence of humor to get married on such a date. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs during this time just like any other couple, BUT I have to believe humor along with the other things you mentioned has been a key ingredient in what has kept our marriage strong and alive.
Bravo to you and Don on a great marriage and may you enjoy many, many years together.
Vanessa
Humor for sure. We both have a rather outrageous sense of humor and that makes a big difference, Vanessa! Congrats on 36 years of marriage!
Claudia, you are right luck had nothing to do with you and Don. God has plan for the both of you and He knew just when to put you into each other’s lives. Your hard work, love, respect, and friendship have made your marriage what it is today, and will keep it that way into eternity.
I have to share this little piece of being separated from your spouse. My husband, my son, and I moved to Northern Minnesota in 1991. However, my husband continued to work in Minneapolis. He was home for 2 days each week. The end of the week would come and I would constantly look at the clock waiting for 6:15. He always arrived by that time. Two days later he was gone again. It was awfully hard to say good-bye each week. We did that for 10 years and then he retired. We are together now every day, and have been for 13 years. I wouldn”t trade it for anything.
I know how hard it must have been for both of you! I’m so glad you get to spend all your time together now, Trudy!
That’s why I love reading your blog every day! Your love, self-respect and that of others, kindness of heart and your energy combined with your ability to write entice me ever so much. I like your style. Thank you.
Oh thank you for those kind words, Kelly! Bless you.
One of the prettiest posts I’ve read and seen!
Thank you, Bonnie!
Your birdbath is looking more like a mushroom..lol..I admire you two so much as a couple..
It is, Nancy!
You are so right Claudia, marriage takes hard work. You take the good with the bad and yes you need to also be friends. I am also married to a wonderful man. Chris and I use to date back in 1978, but we each ended up going different paths. When my last husband passed in 2003 it took me almost 5 years to get back on my feet to where I felt good about life again and started to wonder what ever happened to Chris. Lo and behold I found him living at his sister’s farm in West Virginia and even better he wasn’t married any more or had a girlfriend. We got back together in 2008 and got married up on the farm at his sisters in 2010. Like my husband says “God has a plan and he saved the best for last!” I just love this man to death forever and always!!
This comment brought a huge smile to my face, Nancy. What a wonderfully romantic story! Yay for finding the one you love, for romance that comes out of the blue!
Claudia, I loved this post, and it warms my heart to hear you talk about your wonderful marriage and how much you love and like your husband. I have never understood the husband bashing so many women indulge in. I find it sad. I also admire that you understand marriage is hard work and that you both have to work at it. Married people should be a team, be friends who love and respect each other. You should make each other laugh and you should trust one another. I am so glad the two of you have this, even though I have never met you. I am still waiting to find my Don but if I never to that’s ok. I am open to improving my live, sharing it with that special someone but I do not want anything less than someone who will better my life and let me better his. Take care Claudia and continue to cherish that wonderful marriage and husband of yours!!
I also don’t like male bashing – saying that all men are one way or the other. I know a lot of men – both as friends and/or colleagues and there is no way I could generalize about them with a sweeping, “Men are this way or the other.” Just as I don’t like to see women bashed or put it a neat little package that supposedly defines them. We are all far more complex than that!
Don’t settle for less than the best for you, Linda. I didn’t. I actually never thought I would get married and I was absolutely fine about that. No big deal. Don was a complete surprise and a delight. I’m glad I didn’t settle for anyone less than the best partner I could have.
Amen to that Claudia. I have a good life a great life and if I am still alone at the end of it, I am ok with that. I would rather be happily alone than settler for less than the best person for me.
xo
A good marriage is a lot of work! You and Don have what it takes and I agree that being older when you met was a bonus. You and Scout take care of each other while Don is away! Hugs!!!
Oh, it was a bonus, Linda. I was older and wiser and so was Don. Scout is keeping me company today. Thank goodness she is here to talk to!
This post touched me so much Claudia, you write so eloquently about your feelings and I just love that. So much of what you wrote speaks exactly of how I feel about my husband and our marriage. We were married just before my 19th birthday after less than 3 months of dating. No one thought it would last except the two of us and his mom. She said she knew when she first met me I was the one for her son. In Jan. we celebrated 40 years together. We didn’t have children but have been blessed to take care of more than 100 in the past 25 years in our daycare home. He is my best friend, my biggest supporter and the one person I’d rather spend time with than anyone else I know. It is hard work sometimes but so worth it in the long run. Marriage is like a living, breathing thing that has to be nurtured to survive and to thrive.
40 years! Congratulations, Janie! No children for us, either, but I consider all my students my children.
I love what you said: “Marriage is a living, breathing thing that has to be nurtured to survive and to thrive.” Perfect.
I hope you hear the clapping along with the standing ovation coming from Florida! Beautifully written, Claudia. And SO true!
xoxox
Sheila
Thank you, Sheila!
Oh, and we have been married for going on 36 years. It is work, but it is well worth it. Anything of value is worth working on and appreciating. I don’t like husband bashing, either. Nor did I eve hear my mother do that with my father, but they readily laughed about their foibles and celebrated the quirks of each other’s and their own personalities. I hope Mr. Magpie and I do that well, too. I think that laughter,and especially being able to laugh at oneself, is an essential ingredient for happiness, marital or otherwise. :-)
I think there have been 3 of you who have commented today that have been married 36 years. Congratulatios! I think you’re absolutely right. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves and each other’s foibles.
Your wonderful words are what makes a marriage. We were married almost 44 years ago when we were 19 and 20. I hear so many people say that they fell out of love. Not sure they knew what love really was or they gave up when times got rough. I hope the time that Don is away goes fast for you. Poor Scout. (((((HUGS)))))
It’s hard to imagine falling out of love. I think that’s sad. Congratulations on almost 44 years of marriage, my friend!
Beautiful, Claudia! It takes work ~ team work ~ that is for sure! But anything worth having in this world,,, in this life, takes work. We will celebrate 42 years in June. As it is said, many times the days are long, but the years go by so quickly.
Happy upcoming 42nd anniversary, Chris. The work is worth it!
Beautiful post Claudia! I just know that it takes more than a 50/50 commitment to be successful. I am so blessed to have the husband I have.
Judy
It sure does, Judy – I’d say 100% commitment. You have a wonderful husband. And I’d say he has a wonderful wife. xo
I have a much-older and wiser friend who said two very smart things about marriage – at least they’re smart to me. He first said that he and his wife had been lucky to have been separated by WW2 – “We didn’t think so at the time – but we were really lucky to have experienced the pain and longing of living apart and not knowing how the other of us was. It made us appreciate being together all that much more – we never ever took it for granted later…” He also once said that it should be very difficult to get married, and very easy to get divorced – and in this country it’s exactly the opposite. “If I ruled the world, people would have to prove they’d known each other a minimum of one year before being allowed a marriage license…”
I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for those who were apart during the war. No cell phones, no computers, no Skype….just wondering day to day how that person was, what was happening. It surely must have made being back together all the more powerful and beautiful.
Having been married to my sweetheart for almost 53 years, I can attest to being a bit knowledgeable about marriage. It has not always been easy. I consider the basic reason for divorce now is selfishness. Yes, selfishness. We need to be aware of pride. As C.S. Lewis put it:
Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.
I don’t put myself above my hubby and he certainly doesn’t put himself above me. We are equals in this marriage. I counsel him and he counsels me. I get far more counsel from him though. Just the way it goes. He’s more pragmatic than I am. We are a team, forever and beyond. I give in; he gives in. That’s the way a marriage goes. Equal partners, even though sometimes one makes the decision. It always equals out. I’m his queen. But as I say to him and have posted a sign on our garage door: It’s a man’s castle, but the queen has to clean it, so take off your shoes! Humor wins out mostly in this family. My sense of humor is far more developed than his. ;-) But th’ man puts me on a pedestal. He married up, as he says. I disagree; I think I married UP! He is sooooo my soul mate.
Connie
Oh, my goodness, a sense of humor is essential. I don’t know how I’d get through anything without a sense of humor. I love that you and your darling are still so in love over fifty years after you married. xoxoxo
Claudia,
What a lovely post, how wonderful that you have found in Don a best friend , husband and more. I feel the same about my husband and I feel blessed that we both work from home so that we can be together so much. No that is not to say we do not get on one another’s nerves.
I did not get married until I was 38 and I felt no pressure to be in a relationship or to be married, I just never cared too much about it. Then I met my husband…and the rest is history.
Thank you for sharing your story, and for always being authentic and truthful. I love that about you , your writing and blog.
Have a great weekend, Elizabeth
Oh thank you, Elizabeth. Isn’t it lovely when you are going along, quite happily, and then, out of the blue, you meet someone who makes your heart sing?
What a beautiful post, Claudia. Brian and I met when we were very young – 19 and 21. We will be celebrating our 30th anniversary in September! Besides raising children, I think marriage is one of the hardest things in the world. There’s no such thing as 50-50…both partners need to give 100%.
I’m always amazed by my readers who met and married at a young age. Probably because I was such a late bloomer and that would have been impossible for me. But my mom and dad married when they were 18 and 22 and they are still married some 65+ years later.
Marriage is hard. But oh so worth it. Congratulations to you and Brian on your upcoming 30th anniversary!
You are so wise ! What a great post :)
Thank you, Christina!
A beautiful post, Claudia. A couple of posts ago you wrote that you were married to your best friend. I love that. I am, too. And what you’ve said about mutual respect is utterly true. In a good marriage each one values the other as a human being worthy of respect. That is so important. When I sit in gatherings where women talk negatively about their husbands, I wonder what their husbands say about them. I hate that.
I was 20 when we married, he was barely 21. This July will mark 37 years of marriage. I still love him to pieces and consider him my best friend. Thinking of you as you and Don are apart. So hard.
37 years! Congratulations, Lorrie.
Yes, Don is my best friend. I’ve heard people scoff at the idea that a partner or spouse could be a best friend. Well, I guess you and I and many others are here to tell them it’s entirely possible. Thank goodness!
All that negative talk by women about their husbands or about men in general makes me distinctly uncomfortable. I won’t be a part of it. xo
Luck, Soul Mates, Star Crossed Lovers, whatever it may be called, love, marriage, takes commitment and work.
I met my husband in December of 1971, began dating him in March of 1972 and we married in May of 1972. I actually didn’t like him very much after that first meeting – we were co-workers – but after I got to know that self assured, personable young man, I knew he was the one, and I set my plan in motion to snatch him up! Ironically, he was setting his own plan in motion to snatch me up, unbeknownst to me! :). I AM lucky her did…the stars were aligned…love took root and blossomed and grew…and now, here we are, married almost 42 years, and we look at each other with love stronger than ever imaginable. He is my best friend too! Whether we are cleaning house, cooking dinner, or just out for a drive, we just love being together…we are so blessed, so incredibly blessed.
I know sadness envelopes you as you are sorely missing your love…I hope and pray time passes by quickly for you both, and that you are back together in your loving home, with your Scout, very soon!
This was a wonderful post you did — it certainly made me smile!! :)
Blessed indeed, Laura! You and your husband have found that love can grow, deepen and become something that was unimaginable so many years ago. I often say that it is the simple things I miss when Don is away: chatting over coffee, being able to walk by his chair and ruffle his hair, laughing together.
That’s lovely Claudia. Robert and I are very much in the same position living together and apart between two countries. We work very hard at our relationship and need a few days of forgiveness and understanding when we get back together after months apart. But generally we love and cherish and respect each other that we fall back into togetherness mode right away. Hope your separation is bearable and goes by quickly. I know I’m counting the days till R is in Canada with me for April. :)
Oh, that re-entry is always a bit difficult isn’t it, Veronica? Same here. Here’s to April and being reunited with your dear Robert!
Hi Claudia. É uma linda historia de amor. Deus os abençoe. Muito bom esse gelo todo. Manda um pouquinho prá cá. LOL. Sabe, aqui onde moro( Rio de Janeiro) está chegando a 40 graus, mesmo os lugares frios do meu pais estão bem quentes.
Eu ficaria feliz em enviar um pouco de neve e gelo no seu caminho, Mllca!
I am smiling for you, Claudia. We are so very blessed. We will celebrate 44 years of wedded bliss later this year. We celebrate every day.
And that’s why you have such a strong and happy marriage, Beverly. Love to you!
Amen…Agreed on all points this will be 38 years for the hubs and I and I am so lucky to be married to one of the kindest men in the whole world.
Good for you, Cindy. Happy 38 years!
Great post, Claudia! I’m glad you and Don have such a happy marriage. It’s sad to see so many women who base their own self-worth on whether or not they have a man in their lives.
I agree. I knew many of them when I was younger and I found it very frustrating!
Oh how I agree … a good marriage is always one that has been worked at … as with anything else you get out what you put in. We married when I was 21 and he was 26 … and here we are just over 30 years later … not because of luck, but because of give, take, hard grind and love. Great post Claudia :)
Thank you so much, Annie!
Dear Claudia
I agree with your beautiful post. My husband Bill was my very best friend. He died nearly four months ago at the age of 53. We had a wonderful 20 years together. I miss him so very much. Within two weeks of his death I lost my home, had to put my two beloved cats in a no kill shelter and I moved into my daughter and son in laws home. I was a homemaker and my hubby was receiving disabilty. So
I have no income. Life can deal you some pretty awful things. Always be grateful for what you have, it can be taken from you any moment. I look forward to reading your blog each and every day. It makes me think and smile. Thank you for that.
April
Oh, April, I am so very sorry. Please accept my sympathies on the loss of your beloved husband. To have to lose your home and your cats on top of such a profound loss is simply heartbreaking. I do so hope you are eligible for social security death benefits or something or that sort and that you can find a place to live where you can be reunited with your cats, because surely they would be of enormous comfort to you. I am sending you all the positive energy I have – hoping for a positive change for you in the future. Thank you for sharing your heart in this little space. I know you must miss Bill deeply.
xoxo
Claudia
Do you have any special house projects planned during the time you’re on your own, Claudia? I think last time you changed your bedroom, didn’t you? By the way, I had to laugh when I saw these winter photos. “Well THIS all looks familiar,” I thought to myself. Are you getting the snow and freezing rain they’re predicting for Thursday night? I hope it melts and is long gone in Friday’s sunlight… fingers cross’t! xx