Early last month, I wrote a post entitled, On a Marriage, which was about our marriage. As always (and I love this so much) a dialogue started in the comments. Was it luck that I met Don? Or was it something else?
In response to one of the comments, I wrote this:
We were fortunate to cross paths but I don’t think that is due to luck so much as a belief I have that we attract people into our life that reflect what we believe about ourselves. I think it’s an active, vital energy that we send out. Right before I met Don, I had a epiphany that I know in my heart directly led to my meeting with him. It wasn’t luck, it had to do with a clear choice that I made. I’ll write about it sometime.
To which Karen responded:
You’ve peaked my interest with your comment about the choice you made and hope that you do choose to write about it, Claudia.
Here goes.
I’m talking about two things here, a law of attraction or the simple and basic idea of ‘what we send out comes back to us’ and the idea of surrender. They are not mutually exclusive. To me, they are both essential. Let me explain.
I was afraid of commitment. Deeply afraid. I either avoided any sort of serious relationship or I found myself in relationships that were never going to go anywhere because I had opted for a no-win situation. And I am very clear about the fact that I deliberately chose those relationships because they were, in the end, safe. I could escape them easily. I could stay ‘outside’ and remain somewhat distant. Let me also say, as I have said before on this blog, that I was happily single. I wasn’t looking for a man to complete me or my life. I liked being single. At the same time, I was wary of ever truly opening myself up to another.
There are all sorts of reason for this, of course, most of which are private. But, as an adult child of an alcoholic, control was something I craved and needed. And commitment is something I feared because that would mean (to me at the time) giving up control. And that was truly frightening to me.
I didn’t see myself as capable or even desirous of a healthy adult loving relationship and that’s the sort of energy I was sending out. And that’s what came back to me. Simple as that.
In fact, I used to hear that from others. That I was friendly and fun and that men found me attractive, but that I had an unapproachable quality. That’s what I sent out.
But something changed not long before I met Don. I started to want something more. I was scared, but I knew something had to change. Despite the strong barriers I had erected, I could see little cracks appearing. One day, and I remember this vividly, I was outside the back door of my apartment standing on the hot pavement and I said, out loud to God/the Universe/Higher Power (to me they are different words for the same thing), “I am ready to change. I am ready for a relationship. I am ready to take a risk.” I was crying as I said it. I spoke from the very depths of my being. And I surrendered.
Let’s talk about surrender. I’ve used that word recently in another post. Surrender, to me, has a couple of meanings. Yes, there’s the old ‘waving the white flag of surrender’ idea. But there’s a far more powerful meaning. It’s a letting go of the need to control. It’s an acknowledgement that I do not know how the outworking of a solution or answer to a prayer may come, but that there is a greater Power that does know. That kind of surrender is a transformative and powerful thing.
But it’s very hard for me to get to that point. I can think of one other time where Surrender brought an immediate answer, an immediate solution. After graduate school, I was searching for a teaching job. I had just interviewed for a job in North Carolina, at the School of the Arts. I was very confident that I had the job, everything said to me during that interview led me to believe that. When, a week later, a letter arrived saying that they were very impressed by me but that I hadn’t been hired, I was devastated. It was June. I would have to go through another several months of working at my temporary office job before I could start the application process again. I felt a sense of hopelessness. About a week later, as I was on my way home from my office job (I lived in Center City, Philadelphia so I walked everywhere) I literally said out loud, on a busy street, “God, I don’t know what to do. I have no answers. I surrender. Show me the way.” Again, it came from my gut, from my heart. I was so beaten down that I had no strength left to resist. I truly surrendered. When I walked in the door of my apartment, the message light on the answering machine was blinking. And, to my astonishment, there was a message from the Head of the Acting Program at Boston University. (How, I wondered, did they even know about me? How did he get my number?) An opening had suddenly come up in their voice and speech department. They didn’t have time to do a full-on search, but wanted to interview a few candidates that had been recommended to them. How did he hear about me? His colleagues at the North Carolina School of the Arts had recommended me. I suddenly found myself flying up to Boston a few days later, interviewing, and getting the job, a job that was a far better opportunity for me and that directly led to my job at the Old Globe/University of San Diego five years later. Which was where I met Don.
My surrender, I am absolutely sure, allowed the opening necessary for that answer to my problem. The outworking of that situation was something I could never have engineered. It was highly dramatic, of course, and not every surrender yields such dramatic results.
And for me, a girl who still needs to be in control, getting there can be very difficult indeed.
Back to Don. I surrendered that day. And I stopped worrying about it. Because surrendering means gladly and humbly giving up control. I did the same thing back in Philadelphia. It’s as if a weight is off your shoulders. It’s freeing.
A few weeks later, I was at what used to be called Company Call at the Globe, when all the actors and designers and staff and administration convened in the theater to be introduced to each other as we started the summer season. Across the aisle from me was a man I had seen onstage the summer before, when I flew out to be interviewed for my job. I recognized him because I had been impressed with his acting talent. He won an award that day and took the stage to thank everyone. He was funny and charming. A couple of weeks after that, I attended a Fourth of July party at the beach and there he was. Lots of friends were there, he was sitting on a sofa in the living room. Every time I walked by him, he smiled at me. I am very shy. But something, some power I didn’t know I had, propelled me in his direction and I introduced myself to him. We talked. We liked each other immediately.
A week or two went by as we were both working on different shows and didn’t see each other very much. I found myself engineering situations where I could run into him. Very unlike me. Eventually, he asked me out. And on one of our first dates, we talked about the fact that we were both ready to change our previous relationship patterns. That we both wanted to open up, take a risk, be honest and see what happened. I found myself taking that risk.
None of that would have happened if I hadn’t surrendered. And none of that would have happened if I hadn’t sent out an energy that said I was ready, that I was deserving of a healthy relationship, that I was open to it. I surrendered, I sent out a new-to-me energy, I attracted Don into my life. Don, by the way, had taken that acting role at the last minute and hadn’t even planned to be in San Diego. Not long after I surrendered, he received the offer for that job. The outworking was taken care of by a power far greater than mine. And it was much, much better than I could have ever dreamed.
Maybe this makes sense to you. Maybe it doesn’t. But it is what I truly believe. It’s what I strive for and what I continually wrestle with in my life. What I send out comes back to me. I am responsible for my thoughts about myself and the energy they create. And there are times I have to hit myself upside the head and relinquish my ‘control’ and surrender to a Higher Power. Actually, my life would be a heck of a lot easier if I did that all the time.
Happy Sunday.
Oh my, Claudia, you may be the wisest person I’ve ever met. Such clarity and an amazing ability to focus the lens inward. You’ve removed the negative connotation from “surrender” and have recast it in a positive light. It’s one of your most endearing qualities, transforming the negative into the positive. A spiritual alchemist! Wonderful post (as usual) about unlocking the doors we have in our hearts. I had a similar journey with Noble in that coming from generations of divorce (going back to the 1800s in France and Ireland!), I didn’t think I deserved to be the one to break the pattern. But I “surrendered” and now am looking toward coming up to 40 years of being with my splendid travel partner on this sometimes-complicated journey. I am so grateful to have found your blog and the chance to see the world through your laser-like eyes that channel straight through your soul. So gifted! Fondly Tina
I like that – a Spiritual Alchemist! I am so glad that you surrendered, my friend.
Claudia,
You are a beautiful and honest writer. My story is different but similar. After my husband died my world sort of fell apart. I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life and started to make those plans and I was ok with that. The other widows and single women where I lived were on the prowl and dragged me along. Not for me. I returned to Maine for the summer and was introduced to a man with gentle eyes and an aura of sadness. I called him not knowing what to expect. We have been together practically every moment. That was 11 years ago.
Carol
Such a beautiful story, Carol. And I am so very happy for you.
My one niece has all that you write and what your friends seen in you from men. Except she still doesn’t know what vibes she sends out.
Her dad was an alcoholic. She went to AA for to see what a child suffers through a dad who is like that. She don’t drink alcoholic. She is moving from where she is in 60 days as she got another new job as a dentist assistant. Two of the dentists she worked for have retired.
I feel so sorry for her. Me being married 52 years to my sweetheart and us attending both of her weddings. I am heartbroken.
She is attractive and she does attract men like flies. It scares her to even go out as every time she does. Even on a date. She ends up having these guys who open doors for her. Yet most of them have grown kids who daddy adores as well.
Now she has dated men who have divorced and have been true to her. Yet something is a miss when they stay too long with her. I have known her since she was a baby. Now she is 57. I know she let the last husband have the house and she walked away. She has this job and she is good at it. Yet to make ends meet she does on Sat work and clean for her first dentist who has retired. If you seen her. She is not the type to do that. She is a Barbie looking. Yet she never lets anything be un-turned. She is not scared to sweat from her brow hard labor house work. So reading your story is her. Yet I guess unless she comes down to what you believe and she starts to see that also. She will be just herself alone her Irish retriever and her. She has Adult sons and Grandchildren. Her siblings and her Mom of 92 which is like a spring chicken and her memory is as sharp as a 30 year old her Mom. That is who she has. Plus me and hubby. She said she knows there is a need in her life as a man but the relationships soon go sour.
So it has been a year since last relationship for her.
Well, first of all, I don’t think a woman needs a man to be happy. Perhaps she is happy being independent and single now. Not everyone wants or needs to be married. Yes, I’m happy to be in a healthy marriage, but being married just to be married is not a good thing. And I also believe every one of us has to be comfortable in our own skin. Being single can be a very good and wonderful thing. It was for me. And if I had stayed single, I would have also been happy. Because the happiness has to come from within.xo
As always, Claudia, you are an inspiration. This very thing has been on my mind lately. I haven’t been any kind of good relationship since my teens and twenties and I have dug deep this year and realized it was because of what I deeply wanted. I was definitely not sending any “ask me out” vibes for several reasons. This year, after my 52nd birthday (guess I’m a late bloomer), my feelings have changed. I am ready, I am scared but ready. So I’ve spent some time thinking about how. After reading your blog, I am ready to surrender too. We’ll see what happens. xo J
Oh, I’m a late bloomer, too! I understand.
My wish is for the best possible outcome for you, dear Julie.
Thank you so much for opening up to us. I too have always felt a need to be in control. Lately I have been learning to let go and know that I am deserving of a happy life, one that sustains me. It is not an easy process. I have known for a long time that I don’t need a man to make me happy. I am happy by myself. I like myself. That was the first step for me. Now I will continue to move forward. xo Laura
None of us need a man to make us happy and I’m glad you understand that, dear Laura. And you are so right about it not being an easy process. Even though I write about surrendering and the law of attraction, I seem to constantly have to re-learn that lesson over and over again. We do the best we can and we move forward. xo
I was a late bloomer also. I got married at the age of 46. Never thought I would get married. Guess good things do come to those who wait. I still have trouble with surrendering. My mom is very ill. Needs chemo/radiation. I am having trouble accepting this. I want to fix everything. I need to surrender this to God and know that his will will be done. Not be in tears so much. Gheesh those tears can come along at the worst times. Anyway life would be easier if we didn’t try to control everything. Great post!!!
I have trouble with it all the time, so I understand. It isn’t at all easy to do. Sometimes we just can’t fix everything, though we want to. I will hold your mom in my thoughts, Teresa.
I am so glad you shared this story Claudia. The words wrapped around your emotions and feelings on this topic were so felt here. Outstanding writing my friend.
I have had multiple significant happenings in my life where surrender clearly led to an outcome that when you look back, you just know it involved Someone much greater than yourself. It doesn’t involve luck at all. It IS our heart opening up, surrendering control – and letting the plan that was meant to be unfold before our eyes. Our son – adopted from a faraway land – was our gift through this very process. As I stood before his foster home late at night, 1000s of miles away from home, I looked up at the night sky and knew that if I hadn’t surrendered my own control of conceiving (via rounds and rounds of infertility treatment), I wouldn’t be standing here awaiting to hold my beloved child for the first time. The steps of how it all came to be was an unfolding of a plan that involved God’s power way beyond anything my husband or I could dream up.
Surrender – giving up the control – it’s so hard to do. I think the challenge is finding the balance – for I have seen so many that just let life happen – no preparation, no plans, que sera sera. That’s just not me (at least most of the time). It’s WHEN to surrender that’s the hardest part for me. Don’t know if this makes sense. Regardless, your story is beautiful!
It is very hard to do. But look what happened when you DID surrender. A plan far more complex and intricate than yours came to be and unfolded. You held that child in your arms.
And yes to finding the balance. There’s a difference between surrendering in the most positive of ways and simply doing nothing. And sometimes, by the way, I THINK I’m surrendering and I’m still trying to maintain control and I realize it can’t be just words.
Oh Claudia … The universe aligned for you and blessed you for listening to your inner voice. What a journey and wonderful spirit you have. I love how you have described ‘surrendering.’ I too have surrendered and it changed my life in ways I never imagined possible. Blessings to you Claudia and thank you for sharing this wonderful story of your journey. I love hearing of journeys as yours.
Thank you so much, Sheila.
I met Jim on a blind date, and quite frankly it was so long ago…and we were so young. But, while some details may be a little fuzzy…a higher power was definitely in play that day. I think there’s a lot to be said for surrender as you explained it…not the giving up, but the let it play out kind of surrender. If I hadn’t taken that giant leap of faith…I wouldn’t have the family that I have today! ;)
Good for you, Donna!
Your post was most thought provoking. I loved it.
Sometimes we must first step aside and get out of our own way before what is really suppose to happen to us can occur. I see this all the time in my own life. Surrender is a beautiful word when put into action, for it allows us to move beyond ourselves, to explore the possibility of hope. For that of which we hope for, that of which we seek, we will always find…..like you said, you send that out into the universe and it comes right back to you like a boomerang.
Wishing you a most lovely day.
Beautifully said, my friend.
Claudia this is just the best way I’ve ever heard this put. I too believe in the idea of what you put out comes back to you. For me it was learning to forgive to get out of my own way so I could experience the JOY. Now I am conscious of the energy I put out and receive back. The law of attraction is so valid and if more would understand it would change their life. I’ve had those moments where I just gave it all to God and I can tell you it is such a relief. Great post and so honest.
hugs,
Linda
Oh forgiveness is so important. I’ve had to work on that one and know that it is essential, not just for the one forgiven but for ourselves.
I still work on my thoughts and know there are things I am dealing with right now in my life that I must take responsibility for. I need to change my thoughts.
I love hearing stories of how couples met..yours is beautiful!
Thank you, Nancy.
I love your story Claudia-
I truly understand what you mean when you say–
“God, I don’t know what to do. I have no answers. I surrender. Show me the way.”
Believe me…I’ve said that many a time.
when we surrender like that- to THAT HIGHER POWER, it doesn’t mean we give up…we just GIVE IN, allowing for Greater things to take place, where we might naturally FAIL.
Surrendering opens us up and EFFECTS CHANGE within us, within our lives…and the best part? We DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT –and it is futile to try.
I love how you knew it was time to surrender and effect change in your life, in your heart. I can tell how much you love Don by your words and the affection he has for you is obvious– in your story telling.
I know you must miss each other right now in this LONG WINTER while he is away.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Pat
Love what you said about ‘we don’t have to understand it.’ You’re absolutely right, Pat!
Beautiful post Claudia! My niece is a beautiful, independent, financially secure woman of 38 who is happily living a single life. She would like to get married someday but is not willing to settle for anything less than the man she deserves. I have always thought she would find him when the time is right. This post reaffirms that belief.
Good for her!
Claudia, I do understand, and I am gland you took the risk to surrender that led to Don. Thanks for taking the risk to step outside your comfort zone and share with us. I am private in many ways, too, and I appreciate what this means.
xo
Sheila
Thank you, my friend.
Thank you, Claudia, for writing about attraction and surrender. You’ve given me much to think about. I keep trying to write a comment that expresses how I feel, and then deleting it. I know I don’t need a man, I know I’m the one who is responsible for creating a happy and meaningful life. I also know that I miss my late best friend. I kept a certain distance between us (emotional and geographical), feeling that I couldn’t completely take on his troubles, fearful that my life would be absorbed into his. Maybe I don’t truly believe I deserve a happy and healthy relationship with a good, strong man. Maybe part of me still thinks I have to do everything on my own. Maybe I’ve said too much. Maybe I need to test your ideas: “And none of that would have happened if I hadn’t sent out an energy that said I was ready, that I was deserving of a healthy relationship, that I was open to it. I surrendered, I sent out a new-to-me energy.” I will.
Again, thank you.
Karen
You are welcome! Sending you lots of support my friend!
Thank you, Claudia. That’s all. Simple thanks.
You are welcome, Nancy.
I truly believe our choices in life guide us to our destiny, Claudia. And learning that we control so much less than we think is such a valuable lesson. I learned it after a very long illness and hospitalization. Talk about silver linings! xx
There’s always a silver lining, isn’t there?
Words cannot express how touched I was by your post. To me it seems a miracle that I was sent to your site to read your words. Words that I so desperately needed to hear and at the exact moment in my life. Thank you for your inspiration xo
Well then, I’m so glad you came here! If I have helped a little, I am very happy.
I believe this too. After a painful breakup and a series of dates with, how can I put this politely…..unsuitable men, I spent New Year’s Eve alone and contemplating my situation. I swore to God that I was done with the wasters and fools and wouldn’t go on another date until it was with a good and kind man.
13 days later I met the man who is now my husband.
Thank you for another beautiful and eloquent post.
You are very welcome!
Claudia,
I love, love, love this post. Surrender is so very hard for me also. I am in a tug of war with myself at this very time. I need to surrender my weight crisis to the Lord, but I keep pulling back and I just do not understand why I would not prefer His help in my situation. I am going to pray a prayer of surrender and claim the promises He has given.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this beautiful piece.
From Mississippi, I, Susan surrender. 3/11/14
You are very welcome, Susan. I’m pulling for you! Thank you for your kind words.