The Secret Garden, which is very soggy this morning as we had rain all night long. It’s stopped now, but it’s gloomy outside, save for a brief glimpse of sun earlier this morning. And it’s cold. Once we get through the next 3 or 4 days, I think the temperatures should be back to normal.
I’m currently soaking my morning glory and moonflower seeds before I sow them tomorrow or the next day. I’m late this year. It’s either been too cold or too rainy. Or I forget to soak them, even though I wrote it down in my planner for three days in a row.
Some thoughts on being an introvert:
I don’t know why it took me so long to get there, but it’s really only relatively recently that I have accepted that I am an introvert. In the past, I’ve said things like, “I need a lot of alone time.” Or, “I’m a bit of a loner.” Or what’s on the sidebar of this blog, “I am a solitary person who is chatty.” All true. But, perhaps because I work in a very social atmosphere when I’m coaching, and I’m perfectly capable of dealing with a lot of people, either in the classroom or in a rehearsal room – even at a party – I never quite realized that I’m a true introvert. All those things: teaching, coaching, doing the rounds at a party, leave me feeling exhausted. I cannot wait to get back to my cottage, or my hotel room, or my temporary apartment. Quiet. Peace.
I think I’ve become even more of an introvert in recent years. Don and I have had countless conversations about lockdown and the lessons we’ve learned and what we want to keep in our daily lives going forward. Now, Don is more of an extrovert, but even he wants more quiet, more peace, less ‘people.’ I certainly do. What’s that saying? The best word is ‘cancelled.’ That means I don’t have to go out, don’t have to use my energy to be charming, don’t have to talk, talk, talk. It’s a strange thing. I can do it, and it can be extremely satisfying, and I love my friends and colleagues and students. Nevertheless, it is often exhausting. I suspect – in fact, I know – there are many introverts in the theater. Many actors are introverts at heart.
So we are faced with the world beginning to open up again. How do I navigate it? One thing that growing older has brought – at least for me – is an acceptance of who I am. Not only an acceptance, but a refusal to feel guilty about being an introvert. There’s nothing wrong with it. Friends who are very social have made me feel guilty for wanting to stay home. I’ve allowed that. I’ve always felt I had to apologize for it. And frankly, that pisses me off. Why should I be made to feel ‘less than’ because I don’t want to be out and about all the time? The short answer: I shouldn’t, and my reaction is entirely up to me. So I will move forward being kind but firm about my need for solitude, yet not being entirely unsocial, if that makes sense. No more guilt.
I’m 68 years old and I’ve finally accepted who I am.
I’m very grateful that Don has always understood that about me. He’s never pushed me. Indeed, he’s becoming a mix of extrovert/introvert, if there’s such a thing.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Introvert or extrovert?
Stay safe.
Happy Monday.
Oh, I am an introvert too. I grew up a military brat, and moving around, you have few friends. Sometimes you are shunned the moment you show up. Moving to Mississippi in the 60s, they accused me of trying to “change their way of life” by single handedly desegregating their school system. One white girl!! And even now in my old age, I am not comfortable in company of others. I want to be alone.
I don’t blame you! I can see where you’d have to create a safe space for yourself with all that moving around.
Stay safe!
HI,
I am also an introvert. When I have gone against “my nature” I have made bad decisions which led to regrets, being something I am not, trying to please others. I am comfortable and happy with being an introvert. I know because of being an introvert, I have suffered (if that is the right word..suffered) less than extroverts during the pandemic.
It is snowing, big flakes, this morning This is a by product of living at altitude. Spring come late and winter comes early.
Take Care,
Kaye
Park City, UT
I, too, had much less of a problem adjusting to lockdown. Interestingly, Don was fine with it, too.
Thanks, Kaye.
Stay safe.
I’m definitely an introvert also, married to an complete extrovert (it works, we’ve been married for 45 years). We share our group of close friends, and he has a much larger circle that I take part in occasionally. It is what it is, and it’s okay.
Yes, it is okay!
Don and I have a LOT of friends. Both of us have close friends from childhood and of course, being in the theater means you meet a lot of people. And then there’s my students. I love them all, am always thrilled to hear from them or see them. But I have to have hugs chunks of alone time as well.
Thanks and stay safe!
Definitely an introvert here too and no longer afraid of speaking up and saying no if it’s not something I want to do. Not everyone understands that and I guess they probably raise their eyebrows if I decline a meeting but that’s their problem not mine. It does get easier as I get older, my 30 year old self wasn’t able to do it and consequently she was not always happy. C’est la vie.
Have a good day.
My 30 year old self wasn’t able to do it either. I understand, Fiona!
Stay safe.
I so agree! Always have been and always will be an introvert, though I have played the role of extrovert in my life way too often. It truly is exhausting. Not having to be interesting and amusing for other people every day at work is the best thing about retirement. Not having social gatherings and invitations to join people in…whatever… has been the bright spot of this pandemic way of life and I’m not looking forward to a future time of anxiety and looking for reasons and excuses to beg off. I haven’t quite forgiven myself for being this way, but I do know that I was born this way and it’s not going to change. I can only pretend to be different. And I don’t want to!
Do forgive yourself. But actually, there’s nothing to forgive yourself for because there’s nothing at all wrong with being an introvert. I think many people want us to believe something is wrong about that, but they’re the ones who are wrong.
Don’t pretend. I’m not going to do that anymore.
Stay safe, Shanna.
There is a new term- ambivert. That is me. :)
Hmmmm. I guess that means you’re midway between the two?
Stay safe, Betsy.
I don’t think I can pick one. Depends on the situation at the time, or the occasion, or the people involved, or my mood…
I am just me and I have many facets (sometimes)!
Thanks, Ellen.
Stay safe.
I am an introvert as well. This year of lock downs has been much easier for me than it has been for many people because I physically and mentally need a lot of quiet alone time. I have many friends and I enjoy gatherings with them. However, I find that I need a quiet and solitary day of recouping my energy the day after a gathering with friends or family . It doesn’t mean that I love my family and friends any less. It just means that I need to replenish myself.
My husband is an extreme extrovert. He knows everyone on a first name basis along the route he walks our dog. The checkers at the grocery store and the pharmacy all greet him by name. He even meets other customers in the checkout lanes. After a couple of months of retirement he was driving me crazy because he needs a lot of interaction. He now volunteers for Habitat for Humanity twice a week and that separate time has helped us both.
I have a lot of friends as well – from my childhood, from school, from my work in the theater, and local friends. I like them all and enjoy seeing them. I’m also very friendly when I see people on the street. BUT, all that being said, I’m an introvert, and that’s not the same as a hermit or someone who doesn’t like people.
Thanks, Carolyn Marie.
Stay safe.
Oh, I love that, Claudia! “I’m an introvert, and that’s not the same as a hermit or someone who doesn’t like people.” EXACTLY!!! That’s me100%
Debbie
xoxo
Such a wise way to look at being an introvert. You feel like you aren’t normal feeling exhausted when you have to be in a group of people. I love going thrifting and to lunch a few times a year with a group of lovely ladies. But, even days before I am dreading the outing because of wondering if I can keep up with the conversation.
Yes, I completely understand. And as someone who has always been known for humor and, for want of a better word, wit, I weary of having to be ‘on.’
Thanks, Cindy.
Stay safe!
Well…thanks to Betsy, I found out I’m an Ambivert. As an only child I was very much an introvert. As I grew, I became more of an extrovert. I married an extrovert. And all the while I was raising three boys, or working and traveling, I so enjoyed all the social commitments, the people, and the events involved with those things. Now, that I am retired, while I still enjoy meeting new people, gathering with friends, and traveling, we do it at our own pace, and we feel free to say no on occasion.
Because we do value our alone time, our home has become a refuge from the outside world. One thing I have noticed is that I no longer enjoy fairs, or super large gatherings of total strangers. It’s just overwhelming. But, while I love being at home, it can become too much for me, and I just have to get out!
Bottom line, after reading about the characteristics of being an ambivert…that sounded like me. Guess I’m a little of each.
This is interesting…not only to characterize one’s self, but to read others stories. I’ll have to come back tonight and read everyone’s comments.
Enjoy your day! ;)
Donna,
I always thought I was an extrovert because I engage with everyone I meet but I really don’t like huge parties and I am not comfortable being the center of attention. I knew I wasn’t an introvert but I don’t mind being alone. Isn’t it nice the psychologists came up with a term for us?!
Have a great day!
Psychologists to the rescue! I thought that description was great. Enjoy your day, fellow Ambivert! ;)
I can be very outgoing, if necessary, and we obviously enjoy traveling, but that doesn’t mean I’m an ambivert. I need to pull back after those events and I need to retreat. Introvert. It’s fascinating to me, as when I’m working or teaching, I’m around lots of people all the time. Maybe that means I require even more respite from the whole thing.
Stay safe, Donna.
I totally understand, Claudia! I’m an introvert too. I have never needed a lot of people to entertain me, and I am rarely ever bored at home. One of my best friends used to call me “self contained.” So, whatever, it’s who I am!
I am a lifelong knitter and reader and it was a very good thing during the pandemic.
I read your blog every day! Enjoy the Spring time!
Yes, I’ve always been able to amuse myself for large chunks of time. And I’ve been perfectly happy tha way.
Thanks, Judy.
Stay safe.
Count me in! I’ve known I was an introvert for a long time. I can remember as a child wanting to be alone at times. I had a friend who lived 3 houses down and in summer she wanted to play all day, every day. I can remember the relief when her mom would call her home early because they had something to do. Finally, I could sit under a tree and read, or play dolls by myself.
I’ve always had to push myself somewhat to socialize. I need quiet time afterwards to regroup. I am also an empath and feel other peoples suffering too much, especially emotional suffering. It is exhausting.
I haven’t had much difficulty with the lockdown aspect of the pandemic. I look forward to a little more social activities in the future and maybe travel occasionally but otherwise I am going to enjoy my alone time.
Take care
I’ve often wondered if I am an empath. I suspect I might be, but I’ve never really investigated it. I suppose I should!
Thanks, Marilyn.
Stay safe.
Extroversion and introversion coexist in each person, for me it is a balancing act. Although I am drawn to solitary activities, there are times when I really look forward to and enjoy interacting with friends and acquaintances. The trick is knowing yourself and finding the balance that fits best.
Have a great day!
Anne
They may coexist, but, speaking for myself, introvert is far stronger than extrovert. I can be an extrovert if necessary, but I pay a price for that.
Thanks, Anne.
Stay safe!
Oh, I’m hands down an introvert, through and through. It’s a continuing source of mild conflict with my husband because he’s the exact opposite, an extrovert. There is nothing about my husband that’s ‘introvert’. He’s on the far side of extrovert; I’m on the further side of introvert. Not a lot of middle ground.
When I was younger and single, a party girl, I was the big social butterfly; but it wasn’t me, it was a disguise, an act. Not the real me.
Let’s take this from you: “Why should I be made to feel ‘less than’ because I don’t want to be out and about all the time? The short answer: I shouldn’t, and my reaction is entirely up to me. So I will move forward being kind but firm about my need for solitude, yet not being entirely unsocial, if that makes sense. No more guilt.” I also struggle with this; just yesterday, on the phone, I got a sort of scolding from a friend who still, after forty years, just doesn’t ‘get’ me.
Maybe we can’t expect an extrovert to relate to an introvert. I’ve too many times been asked, in a sort of put-down way, almost with another person’s nose wrinkled in disapproval, “Why are you like that; why can’t you do this?” Or be this. Whatever. It’s a lack of acceptance for sure. I’m very chatty in most social situations. (I’m certainly chatty on’ paper’/keyboarding; sigh.) But I was always the single girl/young adult who secretly couldn’t wait to get away from the hubbub of a party, like find the bathroom and just go hide out for a few minutes (til I can get home). I don’t think it was any kind of textbook social anxiety; more, just wanting to get back to my nest, my comfortable place of ‘belonging’, relaxing and effortless; my safe and warm and welcoming burrow, with no judgments but just my books, my music and everything else around me which spoke to me in a different way than another human. It isn’t that I don’t like people; I do! I guess I just like a lot of quiet even more. The phrase (or thought around it) I picked up along the way somewhere is that with quiet and solitude, I’m able to very-necessarily, for me, ‘center’ myself. Is that so wrong? No!
I’ve recently also begun to educate myself about what it means to be an empath. Like, what is wrong with me sometimes, when I can’t enjoy a rare rainfall without worrying about people’s pets who’ve been neglected and left outside in the weather, getting cold and wet? Or I can’t absorb an enjoyable moment because I have something on my mind from something I’ve read or seen that lingers to upset me; needles at me enough to disquiet myself? I’m needing to channel some of that kind of thing to feel less tortured at times. I’m quite uneducated about this kind of sensitivity. (Which is a sensitivity that’s not very healthy. A born worrier?)
But congrats about your stance. Ya just can’t beat feeling comfortable in your own skin! Knowing what makes you tick. How you’re best happy. A relief!
A couple of things: I find that the extroverts in my life do tend to judge those of us who are introverts, which isn’t very empathetic. Rick is much better about it now, but for years, he never understood why I often bowed out of possible social commitments, why I often wanted to stay home. But Rick is very social. He needs that interaction and I think, not understanding me, he took it as a rejection. It’s not at all that, of course.
A previous commenter mentioned being an empath. I confess to not having explored this, but I’ve often wondered if I am an empath. It would explain a lot!
Stay safe, Vicki.
Yes, yes, yes. I have been, after many years of living, often around extroverts and they can be indeed judgmental, I totally agree. They have an impatience with it! They think you should be having as much fun as they are, but everybody has their own idea of what’s fun.
So, this is a diff subject: But, Claudia, for the first time in these 14-or-so months, I actually sat down in a restaurant today (like, a real restaurant, not a drive-thru) although I fought my case with ‘my group’ for outdoor seating. (I got awfully sunburned; we were at the beach.) As it turns out, in the five hours, we were actually speaking with as many as four separate groups of people beyond our own. You know what I think it is? People are just so happy TO BE OUT. Remembering how to talk to other humans. It’s like a rediscovery of your own species; somebody other than those you’ve been living with in lockdown. (Reminds me when walking dogs, and your dog comes face to face with another dog on the street, “Oh, look, a dog, he’s just like me, let me check you out, canine friend!!”)
Our visitor from out of state said: “You live in paradise. The ocean. The boats. I can’t get enough of it. What a beautiful day; back where I’m from, we’re inundated with rain. Most of all, you have the friendliest people in Southern California ever! I love the whole state from San Diego to Eureka; I can’t come here enough from the middle of the U.S.; and I love Los Angeles, even the freeways!” Whew. A fan. (And he travels all over the U.S., even during the worst of Covid last year [staying in motels/hotels with spray disinfectant in hand!].) I said to my husband later, “Are we really friendly, or is it just the first babysteps out of lockdown, when everybody seems to be getting their ‘sea legs’ again?” (And it isn’t paradise; we’re in severe drought.)
I had a lot of trepidation about this day/’outing’; I’ve been so mega-careful (some have said to me, OTT-cautious) with the virus for so long because I have to be (as I’m so unhealthy with lots of underlying medical issues which makes Covid particularly bad for me). But this meant something important to my husband, that I be there today with him; however, I was SO nervous about everything. I even started out with gloves but took them off halfway thru the day. (It was some sightseeing for an out-of-town guest, we went indoors to a place to look at some exhibits; also were out to eat. BIG STEP, for me.) Mask of course OFF when eating and hoping for the best because, at the table, it’s not a lot of distancing within your own group (although the tables themselves are spaced/distanced from each other [by the restaurant]).
Was it fun, all this interaction? Yes, I enjoyed myself well enough. But I AM EXHAUSTED. Why? How is this explained? Was I under even more strain than I thought? It sometimes felt like ‘effort’. I haven’t been around other people for a long time (other than a medical appointment). There are already A LOT of tourists walking about (I was surprised); people are on the road, cutting loose; sightseeing. I’m not used to it. A Monday, usually an off-day, yet every beach restaurant, one after another, was packed, people waiting in line for a table. But I feel like I need a nap; limp. Maybe it’s a release of pressure.
I don’t feel any need to duplicate the ‘excursion’ anytime soon. I certainly don’t want to duplicate the cost of eating out; OMG, when did things get THIS expensive in a restaurant? For lunch, are you kidding me? It wasn’t even a ‘fancy’ place! (Maybe they’ve raised prices to make up for the months when they were closed?) The best thing overall was a sighting of harbor seals begging for fish from one of the commercial fishermen who’d just come in from deep sea. Of course I could hear their barking and well knew what was up; even my husband didn’t quite catch on that we were hearing SEALS. But I’m a beach baby and, well, if you’ve grown up near the ocean for as many generations as my ancestors have, it’s almost like it’s in the blood, some kind of sixth sense about sounds and smells at the shore.
Just made my day, though; a whole family of seals. I was talking to a boat dweller and he said it was Mama, Papa and Baby #1 and Baby #2 seals. If it’s a big fishing boat with the lower, flatter deck like this one was, the seals jump right on. They like to bask in the sun; get up out of the water for a little while; rest themselves. The guy told me it’s not just for the fish scraps. But, I swear; I was in sweet-seal heaven! Their smooth, sleek, wet heads. (And ‘dog’ whiskers!) The whole time we ate (later; elsewhere at the marina), a very-large seagull stood staring at us from a rock, about three feet away (almost too close for comfort). He never left, the entire time we sat there. I stared right back because he was, well, pretty magnificent. And I loved the proximity to study him. He was so calm; actually trying to stare a hole right through us so we’d feed him. But we didn’t want to start up anything with other restaurant patrons very near (so initially resisted pitching a food morsel to him). He got tired of standing on those wonderful webbed feet (for two hours!) so then decided to take a load off, laying down as if perched on a nest. At the end, I gave him a couple of/three tidbits as most of the other people around had left. (THIS was fun! [I love gulls.])
Here again, though, I see I’m choosing the seals and the gull over the company of the other people, which seems messed up. Or not. I guess the main thing is that, after these past 14 months of Covid shut-in/shut-down, I’ve done the re-entry. I finally got out there. I know it’s not a theater or a sports stadium, just a restaurant. But it’s all also felt like a sort of anticlimax to me. I’m somewhat ambivalent about my new ‘freedom’ although there were times in lockdown where I felt like I was going to bust out of my home confines; couldn’t stand it another minute. Thing is, that type of stay-home was involuntary. Clipped wings. Caged. Forced. (Well, that’s how it could feel on the worst days; mostly, though, I was grateful for the safety of a ‘place to be’ in an epidemic-pandemic.) Voluntarily choosing to be home, though; wanting to be home, enjoying being home … the choice for it … is a whole diff scenario. But how great is it to be vaccinated! Indeed HAVE the power of choice. Get the edge off; have the protection; be empowered.
Anyway, just my weird, rambling observations today. (I remember you said the other day, Claudia, that leaving home, doing multiple errands and going places, being around more people, that you too also felt a sort of fatigue from it! It’s really turning out to be an amazing year of change. I think 2020 will leave a lot of us to be ‘different’ from who we were pre-pandemic, or so I’ve been reading [and you’ve been having your talks with Don about it]. A person just doesn’t immediately bounce back from the kind of fear and drastic restriction that we dealt with in 2020, and this isn’t even mentioning those who also had to cope with grief, loss and of course getting sick [with too many long-haulers continuing to be stricken with Covid side effects].)
I applaud you for getting out there and doing that because I know how hard it was for you. I’m glad it was ultimately a good experience, Vicki. At the same time, I completely understand why it was exhausting. I would have gone home afterward and gone to bed! We haven’t yet done that – eating out, eating outside – and I don’t know when we will. I guess, when we feel comfortable with it. Your situation was a special one in that your husband’s friends were involved and it meant a lot to him to have you there.
Now, rest up today!
xo
Well, thanks, Claudia; I appreciate your support. You always say the right thing!
We finally closed on our mortgage loan refi only to find out by letter the next day (could I have even one day of relief from this stuff?) that we’re part of yet another breach with the mortgage broker/company we used seven years ago to refi my mom’s reverse mortgage loan so I could buy her house after she died (the house we’re in right now [some kind of deep-storage problem of theirs; long-archived files which were compromised with us as potential victims], the idiots [my husband feels there is just NO excuse for a big company not taking more care to protect themselves and their customers’ identity info/most PRIVATE and sensitive info]). My nerves are a little shot at the moment. Of course we’ve had open credit over two months during the recent refi; no choice with that during a loan process. So we spent a good part of this morning setting up all the freezes and fraud alerts with the three credit-reporting agencies again, and I am so drained right now that I just want to go back to bed (although it’s a relief). Now, all I can do is frequently check bank activity; the Social Security statements; credit card statements; and we always have SOME identity protection we pay for monthly with an identity theft protection company. But it’s when ‘life’ gets too complicated for me.
My husband has to be gone for a few weeks in the near future due to a family matter/health crisis (the situation will be okay for the relative who’s stricken; my husband is mostly going to provide companionship and moral support). In terms of introvert/extrovert, I think the temporary ‘separation’ won’t hurt us. Has nothing to do with love for one another (because that’s solid; we’re longtime ‘marrieds’ and he’s everything to me). But we’ve been pretty much just Him and Me for the past two-plus years here at the house since retirement. He’ll benefit from being with his family and also different scenery as this involves travel, and introvert-me needs my quiet time in my house and ‘garden’, which I haven’t been getting much of for quite a long while. I have a ton of small and necessary projects but I also just need to putter and play, on my own terms. It’s all good.
For now, breathe, get into a zen place; calm. Reassure myself that everything will get to ‘okay’ soon. Do laundry. Water plants. And I think I need a chocolate cookie with a cup of (unfortunately decaf) coffee!
We’ve dealt with that and continue to do so. Don just got a letter from a lab saying they had had a breach and that lots of personal information could have been exposed. Frankly, we tend to ignore that stuff or we’d be upset all of the time.
Being apart from each other might be refreshing after all of the time you’ve spent together this past year. A refresh for both of you.
Stay safe, Vicki.
I’ve become much more introverted as I age. I am so content being home with hubby & doing just as I please with him or alone. Funny how life changes things in a natural way for us. When I’m out, I can hardly wait to get back home. I guess it’s the safety factor. We’re taking a short trip to OR in a few weeks & we’re both already saying, “probably the last one out of state”…
Me too. It’s increased as I get older and part of that might be living in the country. I’m perfectly happy with Don, here at the cottage.
Thanks, Priscilla.
Stay safe.
Introvert.
I love hanging out with my family and friends, but also need a lot of solitude. Quite happy to “putter around” as my father said.
-Polly
Same. I can amuse myself quite easily. I like my own company.
Thanks, Polly.
Stay safe.
I actually kinda feel sorry for people who do not seem to be comfortable with their own company. I have a cousin like this and the pandemic has been hard for him because he’s a single guy, living alone, who can’t stand to be all-by-his-lonesome; he gets very restless, very bored; is torture for him; constant need to be around other people. He worked hard all of his life and never developed hobbies or other interests; all of his energy went to the employment. It seems to be all too often a problem for a lot of retired MEN because their near-total identity came from their paying jobs. So, obviously, when they no longer have those jobs and aren’t going to work each day, it’s very hard to make the adjustment although they deserve the ease and positive benefits of retired life. There are so many articles online about this; actually, too many retired guys just … die. It’s tragic. I don’t know why it seems to be diff with retired women; perhaps we just develop non-work interests more easily. I got shut down in my 40s due to poor health/illness and what has saved me is that I have insatiable interest in actually almost too many things but most of which I can explore/do comfortably from home when need be. It just seems so important to keep moving forward; to keep learning. As an introvert, I’ve never had much of a problem with keeping myself entertained and engaged. Makes me feel grateful now, more than ever. Could a person who identifies as an introvert look at it as a gift?
I’ve always felt that way. How awful to need the company of others constantly! But I know several people like that. I’ve always felt fine with just my own company. I’m grateful!
I do think being an introvert just might be a gift!
Stay safe!
I read a book once that claimed if you drew energy from groups of people you are an extrovert, if you drew energy from quiet time with few interactions you are an introvert. It made sense for me. I can enjoy a party or large gathering but always need down time after. It helped me to understand myself and how to schedule my life.
I love this explanation! It makes sense. I definitely draw energy from quiet time, Rose.
Thank you!
Stay safe.
I’ve been a reader at your lovely blog for years, but this is my first time commenting. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts on being an introvert and how you’ve come to accept that. I couldn’t have expressed it better. I feel validated just by hearing someone I admire put it to ink. I come away from your blog feeling like I’ve had coffee with a good friend. I appreciate you so openly sharing parts of you and Don’s life with us. Peace and all good to you both.
I’m so happy to have been of some help!
It helped me enormously to put it all down on virtual paper. I find it clarifies things.
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Robin.
Stay safe.
I’m definitely an introvert. This lockdown was a blessing to me. I did not have to go anywhere I didn’t want to go. I always considered myself to be a homebody. I am perfectly happy this way. My husband was an extrovert. He gently pushed me to do more outside the house. Now that he is gone my daughter has taken on this role. She means well but like I said, I’m happy the way I am.
Bravo. The key is being happy with who you are.
Thank you, April.
Stay safe.
thanks for sharing, for bringing up this topic.
i am definitely more introvert than extrovert. i can rise to the occasion, like when i did all those talks on cruise ships and every day in my job as a social worker, but i did the cruise talks with God’s help so i could travel to some pretty cool places. and i am a social worker because i believe that is part of God’s plan for me (plus it fits a lot of my values) … but those things took/take a lot out of me so after a shower, i just conk out for a while (take a nap, look at pretty photos, putter around … no math, haha) at home to recharge. and the older i get, the more time i need to recharge and the better i’ve become at feeling no guilt for saying “no, thank you” – without giving an explanation. c’est moi!
your secret garden looks beautiful, a nice place to just be. enjoy!
kathy in iowa
Oh, I can rise to the occasion too. I was an actress for years and of course, teaching and coaching are also forms of performance. But I have to focus all my energy on those tasks and then I need lots of time to recover.
Yes to saying No, thank you, without an ounce of guilt!
Thanks, Kathy. Stay safe.
Big introvert. I have a few good friends that I enjoy talking on the phone with. If there is a planned get together, I actually dread it. If it’s a get together with people I don’t know well, I am filled with anxiety from the moment the date is firm. I am a nurse, I used to conduct audits all over the state, and give presentations. This past year has been wonderful, because I couldn’t go out or entertain at home. I thought I read somewhere years ago that Jackie Kennedy had said in an interview I’m happiest when I’m alone. I thought then, hey, that’s me!
That’s me, too. Imagine how hard it must have been for her to be in such a public position as First Lady!
Thanks, Mary.
Stay safe.
I’m catching up, having read the last two post and adding some of my comments to those here. I always hate the hit the wall zone, but in a way, it’s a good thing. You’ve been working your tail off — so very hard. And sometimes hitting the wall is a blessing in disguise. You stop, appreciate, recharge, think. Maybe read a bit or puzzle or just sit but build up some of that productively expended energy. And double that for allergies. It sounds like it is falling into place beautifully and you deserve a little break.
Your conversations on re-entry and the things you mention here are so spot on. Like you, I have found much to love on a personal basis during this period. It’s a much gentler pace. And I’m 69, pushing 70. My pace isn’t what it used to be. I discovered rather a long while ago that I, too, am an introvert. That baffles a lot of people, perhaps rightly so. First there was the theatre which is very communal (although, in other ways, intimate — it all depends on the show!). Then my TV work. That was very public — and not just because it was public television. My profile wasn’t as high as the nightly anchor on our local commercial affiliates but for more years than I can say I was the “face” of our station — in videos, pitching on air, occasional program hosting (rare but enough). Then there were the open houses, the festivals, the donor gatherings. And I had to be nice to people. Now, I’m a nice person. But there was nowhere to run when it was too much. I couldn’t even go to the grocery store without discussions about someone liking or hating this show or that. Most of the time it was fine in its way because I was very good at compartmentalizing it but eventually it takes its toll. When you get home all you really want to do is read a book or watch a movie. Because Rick and I live in separate houses we were able to pull that off, which made our together time all the better.
Somewhere mid-pandemic I realized I’m not going back to my book club. I like those women, it’s not that. But it’s too much energy. It’s not like I don’t have 100 books or more on my shelves to read no matter what. I decided not to be slated for another term on the MSU Friends of Theatre board. I’ll volunteer but on my terms. There are other things like that — things that I can ease off on.
And isn’t it a tremendous relief? To say, “I don’t have to do that.” And if I want to, I can.
You are so right about being OK about who you are and what you want. It’s a gift I value tremendously!
It’s a huge relief. I understand. And anytime you’re in the public eye, as you were, it’s even harder to find those pockets of solitude. So much of my life has been interacting with others – in the theater, as a teacher, with parents of students, with audience members…and on and on. I like people but it can be way too much.
Good for you, Jeanie! You’ve made some changes that sound like they will be very healthy for you.
Stay safe.
I am really appreciating intelligent comments like Jeanie’s today. Claudia, this was an excellent post with really-excellent comments from your readers from whom I learn SO much as I do from you. The sharing is very helpful to me. Thank you.
It’s such a wonderful discussion!
I am an introvert and a loner. I grew up with siblings in a small house and I loved them but I used to crave alone time and rarely got it.
So did I! Four kids, one bathroom, and a tiny bungalow. There was nothing I wanted more than some alone time!
Thanks Cristina.
Stay safe!
Total introvert. Through all my working life I had jobs that made it appear I was an extrovert. At the end of presentations, meetings, dinners, etc. sometimes I just needed to slip into the ladies room to catch my breath and could not WAIT to be on my way home, or to a hotel room to enjoy some quiet time. When people asked what I planned to do when I retired, I always said “stay home and enjoy my house”. People laughed, but it was totally the truth.
As I have said before, the past year has not been that difficult for me in missing having a full calendar. In fact, it has been rather wonderful . The anxiety I am filled with before events just isn’t worth it. My husband is a definite extrovert. It seems like it is that way in a lot of homes, and we have been married for nearly 49 years, so I guess it works for us, which is good as I doubt if either of us will be changing.
I totally agree that we should never have to apologize for who we are and what works for us. Life is way too short!! I decided earlier this year that I am going to continue my social calendar at a minimum. Large crowds never were my thing, and after this past year, I am definitely not ready for those types of outings. Hopefully everyone will allow people the grace necessary to ease back into our days. I don’t necessarily long for the pre-pandemic old normal at all. I am anticipating a new normal for myself in which I am comfortable and happier! I wish that for everyone! Take care.
I’m completely onboard with you! Same, same, same!
Thanks, Chris.
Stay safe!
Introvert here too. I can hold my own in a social setting and love to go out and do things but, there is no place like home. Today I went to the nearby nursery which is about 6 miles away, by myself and had a great time. I like being alone with myself. My husband is very much like me.
For some reason, when I am out it’s not long till I begin to feel anxious to get back home. Maybe it might have something to do with wearing a mask and being so careful to keep a safe distance from people and not touch things.
So many times I agree to do things and when the time comes, I wish I had not and have to push myself to go. Once I get out the door, I am fine and enjoy the adventure until I am ready to head home.
I’m 68 too…
I feel the same way. Anxious to get back home. I completely understand.
Thank you Kelly!
Stay safe.
I’m an introvert. Its taken me years to realize it because I like people and talking but it does exhaust me. Now that I’m older I have less energy and less time to be social. My world is large but my friendship group is small. I like it this way. Family and a few friends and I’m content!
I like that you say your world is large but your friendship group is small. Perfect.
Thank you Linda.
Stay safe.
Hi Claudia, I have always been a closet introvert, and always felt guilty about it. One favorite way of dealing with it is my ‘Irish Goodbye’, which for me means leaving a social situation (when possible) quietly without any fanfare or notice. I don’t like long goodbyes, and marrying into a huge Italian family means an hour worth of goodbyes, it’s exhausting! One thing leads to another and all I can think about is when can I get out of here? 😩. I know this is terrible but I have even been known to go up to bed when my own family is over, there are 23 of them when everyone is here and sometimes they just don’t leave. I just run out of steam. My absolute favorite day is when I don’t need to see anyone (except my husband) or be anywhere, and the first few months of Covid were heaven, in that respect only, although there was of course a lot of stress woven into those days as well. I worried about being so content and feeling so free when I didn’t need to see anyone, or be anywhere, and thought maybe it wasn’t a healthy way to feel. There’s something cozy about being in a space you love and just appreciating it. I struggle with it. xoxo
BTW thanks for the ‘A French Village’ recommendation. The acting and characters are just wonderful, each and every one of them. We will be sorry when we’ve finished watching.
I can’t imagine having that amount of people around. One of my best childhood friends was from a large Italian family and there were always several family members around on any given day. I guess since she grew up with it, it was normal for her. But you didn’t, and it’s a lot to handle.
I’ll just add that I don’t think it is at all unhealthy to want quiet and peace and solitude – or to enjoy it. Actually, I think it’s very healthy. I hope your sense of struggle eases.
Glad you’re enjoying A French Village. Isn’t it wonderful?
Stay safe, Ann Marie.
I’m over-commenting but there’s so much here in this post, Claudia. Very beneficial! I keep coming back to see what you and other readers are adding to the thread.
Frog Girl’s comment really struck home with me. I very nearly married into a large Irish-Italian family. My boyfriend/’fiance’ had five siblings; his Italian father had more as did his uncles. Anytime there was a get-together, and there were a lot of those, I felt overwhelmed with too many people. Tons of cousins. At one party alone, there were over fifty people there and it was my boyfriend’s closest relatives, not even the distant ones. You couldn’t move comfortably in the house; there was no space; no elbow room. The noise of so many happy folks in an enclosed space could be deafening. It didn’t take much to bring everybody together; any excuse for being social as one big group, not just birthdays or the like; maybe just because it was … pick one … a Wednesday.
Even though I don’t know back then that I knew or acknowledged I was an introvert (which seemed to be a negative description at the time), I somehow sensed I couldn’t survive well in that large/wide circle of jolly, well-meaning, extroverted people; although, on the other hand, I felt it was absolute ‘wealth’ to have that many relatives; a comfort and security in having such a big family. But it was nothing I was used to; my own family had been small and we lived a quiet life as I grew up, very self-contained.
There was a lot of fun and love and goodwill with this large and lovely group of Italians; they definitely seemed happy with one another; were justifiably proud of their heritage; were nice to me although they would have preferred (accepted me more if) I was Catholic (and probably Italian; I’m sure I seemed like an alien [from another planet] to them as I wasn’t exactly gregarious; besides which, they all knew each other, but I didn’t; also, I didn’t speak Italian although it wasn’t the predominant language being spoken). Good folks/good citizens, from proud immigrant stock who loved America; worked hard; life revolved around devotion to church and family. I loved the culture (OMG, the FOOD was incredible; these were authentic home cooks in the family with recipes handed down over years) and I was so interested in their family history/that big family tree; but, in this particular case, the ‘togetherness’ was at many times nearly suffocating for me (although normal, for them [and for my guy]). I’d have to fight the urge to just flee the scene, listen to other sounds in a quieter place.
And it was, as I said, a lot of togetherness, ongoing. Which also excluded holidays with my own family because I was expected to be with HIS family (a three-hour drive from us depending upon location), no exceptions, unless we celebrated separately. He actually stood my mom up on Easter Sunday (when we tried once to go to ‘my side’) because he had a brother show up unannounced. It was terribly awkward. I was embarrassed. And angry. I called and said, “We’re waiting on you to sit down to this nice holiday dinner my mom has prepared; where are you; you’re late.” When he told me of what happened, I said, “Bring him with you, we’ll set another chair at the table; there’s plenty of food.” But, no. And, when I protested, especially on behalf of my mom, he said, “Blood’s thicker than water.” (I’ll never forget it as long as I live. At this point, I’d been with him exclusively for three years, in the heart of my 20s.)
His Italian family always came first before mine. It’s just how it was. I think I figured out, sadly, that even had we married, they would still come before me. It was a fierce loyalty he probably couldn’t have overcome. We loved each other, but I don’t know that he could have ‘cleaved’ to a wife and his own children had that wife been me. I regretted it many times, and we had more than one thing that was divisive in our relationship, but I broke things off with him. Sadly and destructively, we had a difficult time letting go and things dragged on (mostly off than on) for another couple of years. After things with us were finally ‘done’, it was a long time before I reconnected seriously with someone else; I had a broken heart. But that someone else was my husband, thank God. However, it’s why we got a later start at marriage than other people we know, because we were older by then, with my husband being almost 40 and me not too far behind.
Anyway, those were examples … and I’m not dissing these Italian people who’d come into my life; it was a lot of beautiful humans … of what I think is somewhat extreme extrovert-ness/extrovertism, which makes for difficulty when you’re the opposite, an introvert. I can hear what Frog Girl and you are saying, clear as a bell. It’s really something, with age and wisdom, to look back on events of one’s life, understanding now what wasn’t understandable then. As so many readers have responded here on the subject of personality trait, it’s really affirming to be older now, with a firmer grip on who we are and what makes us whole. Accepting ourselves. Proudly!
Yes, I had/have a longtime friend (we’ve known each other since we were 4!) who is from a big Italian family. Family was at her house all the time, plus they owned 2 Italian restaurants where we spent a lot of time. I actually envied her that for many years because she had so many protectors in the form of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Plus, I loved her family. If it had been happening at my house, I would have been incredibly stressed, but I could appreciate it at a distance.
Thanks for responding. I know we’re done here now, but it’s been an amazing bunch of, as you had captioned, ‘unifying’ comments about introvert vs extrovert. It’s almost been like a therapy session; valuable! I like how you described your Italian’s friends relatives as ‘protectors’; perfect description in the most positive way. Maybe some of us, though, don’t need THAT many protectors. When you say you could appreciate any of this at a distance, I SO get that as well. I always felt like the observer when my ex’s family gathered; on the outside looking in but not a part of it. I couldn’t make myself feel part of it and maybe I’ll ponder that for a few seconds right now, because it wasn’t that they weren’t welcoming. (They were very much ‘into’ themselves, though; as a group, as a tight family, a unit; a force. Not intentional; just commonality of DNA, love, connection-history-memories, etc.)
Feel free to bring up introvertism in your posts, Claudia. You have a lot of readers, as you’ve seen, who are your sisters-in-arms on the subject! And I’d love a discussion sometime on empathism. (I believe you had a reader here named Melanie who had mentioned things about sensitivity and empathism; at the time, they were new descriptive ‘terms’ for me; I’d never heard of some of what she was saying; how she self-identified.)
I’ve been trying to read only credible stuff online about being an ’empath’ (from the medical angle; not just some writer’s opinion; and some of the subject I relate to; some of it I don’t [at least so far]; I don’t think every description relates to me when I read descriptions of empaths), but this was something on Healthline which I’ve severely edited for length (reviewed by a medical professional [which makes me want to investigate this topic even more]):
Dr. Judith Orloff, a pioneer in the field, describes empaths as those who absorb the world’s joys and stresses like ’emotional sponges’. She suggests empaths lack the filters most people use to protect themselves from excessive stimulation and can’t help but take in surrounding emotions and energies, whether they’re good, bad or something in between. Kim Egel, a San Diego-based therapist, expands this further: ‘Empaths have a higher sensitivity to outside stimuli such as sound, big personalities and hectic environments. They bring a lot of heart and care to the world and feel things very deeply.’
Other signs you might be an empath:
Well, duh, yes, you have a lot of empathy! (Those are Vicki’s words.)
Closeness and intimacy can overwhelm you. (You might notice sensory overload or ‘frayed nerves’ from too much talking.) The therapist Egel suggests, “You must know how to preserve yourself so you don’t get your energy and emotional reserves swallowed up.”
As an empath, you might put a lot of faith in your instincts when making decisions. Although others might consider you impulsive, you’re actually trusting your intuition.
YOU TAKE COMFORT IN NATURE. Natural environments provide to an empath a calming space to rest from overwhelming sensations, sounds and emotions. You might feel completely at peace watching waves crash against the shore or taking a quiet walk through your garden or an hour sitting under the trees to lift your spirits and help you relax.
YOU DON’T DO WELL IN CROWDED SPACES. The therapist Egel says, ‘Empaths can be easily overwhelmed by feeling everything more intensely.’ When you’re picking up on negative emotions/energy from people all around you, it can make an empath actually feel physically unwell. As a result, you may feel most comfortable on your own or in the company of just a few people at a time.
An empath doesn’t just feel FOR someone; they feel WITH someone. You may find it difficult to watch someone struggle and act on your natural inclination to help ease their distress, even if that means absorbing it yourself. Your concern for another’s difficulties can factor into ‘compassion fatigue’ and burnout. It’s essential, as an empath, that you save some energy for yourself.
PEOPLE TEND TO TELL YOU THEIR PROBLEMS. Sensitive, empathetic people tend to be fantastic listeners. But without boundaries, the empath’s sensitivity can pave the way for emotional dumps from someone else that can be a lot for the empath to handle.
You have a high sensitivity to sounds, smells, sensations. Jarring sounds may affect you strongly. You prefer to listen to media at lower volumes or get your information from reading.
YOU NEED TIME TO RECHARGE. Even an overload of POSITIVE feelings might exhaust you, so it’s important to take the time you need to reset. Needing some ‘alone time’ doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an introvert. Empaths can also be extroverts, or fall anywhere on the spectrum. Maybe people energize you — until you reach that point of ‘overwhelm’.
You don’t like conflict.
Higher sensitivity can make it easier for someone to hurt your feelings.
You may take criticism more personally,
You can feel that you don’t fit in.
Others might not understand why you become exhausted and stressed so quickly.
YOU TEND TO ISOLATE. But there are diff kinds of isolation. You can get restorative benefit from taking your time alone outdoors; ‘garden’; take a scenic drive.
Empaths may connect to animals more intensely and draw deep comfort from this bond.
You see the world in unique ways as an empath. Deeper emotional understanding can drive your intuition, and you likely pick up on things other people miss, or make connections that aren’t clear to anyone else.
Environments that don’t provide much space for emotional expression can dampen your creativity and sensitivity, leaving you disinterested, disengaged.
The empath needs to set boundaries and develop good self-care practices to insulate themselves from the emotional ‘noise’ of the world.
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Fascinating, no?!!
Very interesting? Some of the components of being an empath are definitely me. I’m not sure if I’m officially an empath, but certainly much of it rings true.
xoxo
I’m definitely an introvert and become moreso as I get older. Like you, I like people and can be with them and be “on”, but it exhausts me. I can’t wait to get back home and once I do, I need a lot of alone time to recharge. I used to be shy too, growing up, but I’m not anymore – unless in a group of people. All my interests are loner activities…reading, writing, photography, art journaling, music, decorating, gardening, cooking, researching, taking care of my cats, taking walks in nature (by myself or just with my husband). I’m also a Highly Sensitive Person and somewhat of an empath.
Brian’s an introvert too, but he’s also shy.
I’m pretty sure I have some empath in me, but I don’t need to research it. I feel deeply. That’s enough.
There are a lot of us introverts out there, Melanie.
Stay safe.