The blooms on the clematis have disappeared, but this remains. A lovely little pinwheel, which is just as beautiful – at least to me.
Recently, a friend of mine asked another person her opinion of some cosmetic work she had done to her place of business. The response was quick, blunt – and hurtful. It was delivered rather blithely, without any consideration for the questioner’s feelings. And it did the trick, the person who originally asked the question was left feeling hurt and embarrassed.
When I hear about that kind of thing, I get mad. I want to ask the responder, “Why on earth would you say something like that?” I feel very protective of the person with the hurt feelings.
I don’t understand how anyone can function that way. But I see it rather frequently, always under the guise of “I say what I feel.” Or, “I speak my mind.”
Really? I think it’s more about a lack of social skills and a sense of what is appropriate and what is not. A lack of empathy. A lack of consideration for someone else’s feelings.
I know people like that. I bet we all do. I’ve been on the receiving end of those kind of comments.
What happened to “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all?”
There is a way to give an honest response that is still positive and compassionate. But better yet, there is a way to respond that doesn’t involve your personal opinion (because that’s just your perception, isn’t it?) and leaves the questioner feeling good about him/herself. Because it doesn’t really matter if you like it or not. It’s not about you.
Unfortunately, we see that kind of thing all over the place on reality television and on political talk shows. We see it in unkind responses and critiques on blog posts or design sites. Just what are we teaching the younger generation about compassion and kindness?
We run into this sort of situation all of the time in the theater. We see our actor friends in various productions and we go backstage to congratulate them. Let’s be frank: sometimes we don’t like the play, or the direction, or even the performance itself. But we always find a way to be positive about the whole thing. No one needs our ‘critique’ at that moment in time; an especially vulnerable moment, I might add. No one who has tried something new, who has taken a risk, who has created something, who has been brave enough to put it all out there, needs a negative comment. It accomplishes only one thing: it hurts someone’s feelings. And for a brief moment, it pumps up the ego of the negative commenter. That’s when a response isn’t really about the person who asked the question. It’s about the ego of the responder.
Maybe because I work as a teacher and a coach and surely because of the way I was raised, I have always known that criticism needs to be framed in a positive way. In those situations, I am supposed to help the student or the actor. I’m there to help make them the best they can be in that role or that classroom. And we all enter into the relationship knowing that there will be critiques, because that’s part of the bargain. But I never use the role of being a teacher or a coach as an excuse to say something hurtful. Never.
As for the everyday interactions we have with friends and acquaintances, so what if I don’t like someone’s taste in decorating, or clothes, or cars? I may look at someone’s living room and think “I don’t like that design at all.” But what I feel does not need to be expressed to that person. It simply doesn’t. It serves no purpose. The “You know me, I always speak my mind” kind of hurtful comment really has no place in a respectful and compassionate relationship.
Because what does it accomplish? Nothing. It’s unkind. It’s ego-driven, which momentarily makes one person feel good at the expense of another.
I love the word kind. My dictionary provides this definition: Having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature. Being kind is a good thing.
Happy Saturday.
It’s not what you say, but how you say it. My ex has never learned that in regards of how he speaks to our 5 daughters. It has left them feeling like they are not good enough, are stupid, and that it is the way a man should treat them. I tried to teach him that for 36 years, but he still does it. Our youngest gets it the worst. It is in every conversation he has with her. I feel very sorry for him, as he has terrific girls, and grand children, that he is never seeing.
On a brighter note, I would like to say that every day when I sign on to read your blog, the first thing I see is your terrific hair! Your gorgeous hair has actually made me stop dying mine and I am waiting for all the grey to shine!
Hope you and Don have an amazing weekend!
Hugs,
Deb Price
Aw thank you, Deb. It’s a bit more gray than it was when that picture was taken!
Beautiful words. Thank You.
You are most welcome, Kaye.
I was the recipient of one of those unkind remarks last week, and I knew it was ego driven on the part of the speaker. I wanted to send her to a Miss Manners school of etiquette. xo Laura
Yes, you’re right, Laura. More people should be the recipient of some lessons in etiquette.
I love this post. Guess we all have people in our lives who use that “you can always depend on me for an honest opinion” thingy! I just always thought it was so hurtful. Thanks! Jan
You’re welcome, Jan.
I “get” where you’re coming from (and agree). I’d also say, it’s probably better not to ask someone what they think about one’s cosmetic work
Probably true, but everyone has that impulse to be validated, don’t you think?
for example…..It kind of catches another person “off guard” – particularly if they aren’t particularly crazy about it!
But the other person should have enough social smarts to handle it. Of course, that doesn’t always happen!
It would be nice, but “social smarts” seem lacking at many levels these days….
I am of the opinion if you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all. It has served me well throughout my life and why change a good thing :-) I did break my own rule once with a very rude co-worker. She was forever and a day finding some little thing to “whine” about, with regard to flaws in my personality. After constantly hearing you are too quiet, you should say this or say that, I flat out asked her one day if she was born rude or was it something she vowed to perfect on a daily basis. Another word was never said about my “flaws”–haha Being raised in the South, manners were THE most important lessons to learn according to my stern grandmother…because as she always was quick to point out—NICE MATTERS. I often times actually feel sorry for those who feel it their duty to be negative and offer barbed responses. I keep a fridge magnet up with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt which reminds us no one can make us feel inferior without our consent.
I know and love that quote, Jeannine.
I have a framed quote hanging that I love. “Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” Henry James to his nephew William James, as quoted in Leon Edel’s Henry James: A Life.
It costs me nothing to be kind, but brings me joy often in return.
Well stated post Claudia. Have a wonderful weekend.
Love, love that quote, Linda. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Great post…too bad it isn’t going to be read by the people that need to read it! When I’m trying to make a point…I always try to find a gracious way to make it. I don’t believe we need to put people down, in order to get our points across. And, the internet makes it so easy to be rude…I think that carries into our face-to-face interactions. Hope you enjoy your weekend Claudia! ;)
I agree. It’s all too easy to be rude on the internet, especially when hiding behind ‘Anonymous’ in the comment section!
If I read this right it was cosmetic work done to her business right? Not her face. I think you can always find something positive if asked to make a comment on changes. Things you don’t like are better just kept to yourself.
Yes. But either way, keeping one’s negative thoughts to oneself is always the best choice. You’re right. You can always find something positive to say.
I guess she asked the wrong person their opinion. I have found out some people I just plain rude. I try so hard to be kind and be positive
Some people are rude. I don’t understand it. And they seem to take pride in it!
I’m so sorry your friend was hurt by that unthinking (and tactless) person. I don’t know when this brutal honesty and in your face opinionated business became so free flowing ? I don’t remember it being so rampant growing up? Certainly there’s always been blowhards and narcissists but good grief, their legions have grown.
I’ve always hated the words “constructive criticism”. From either side, giver or taker, CRINGE. I loathe being asked my opinion and I almost never ask for an opinion … seems to be a certain minefield of heartbreak and annoyance to me LOL.
Perhaps I’m a softie but I search for something nice to say, fibbing and embroidering if needed, to get me and the asker out of the situation unscathed and intact.
Gosh, this makes me uncomfortable and squirmy just writing a blog comment about it!
One big vote for Kindness over here …
Thanks for the vote, Sally!
Boy, I couldn’t agree more with what you have said. I too have been on the receiving end of those kinds of comments and I didn’t even ask for their opinion! Then the “I just tell it like it is” remark to follow. I used to be some what of a clothes horse when I worked outside the home. People would often ask my advice on a new outfit they came into work wearing. Of course, I would say I liked it, because they already purchased it and had it on at work. What would be the point to telling them something unkind?
Well said, Claudia. When I hear of someone saying such dumb things, I like to believe they might reflect on their behaviour and treat the next guy with extra kindness. After all, we’ve all had hurtful things said to us, and have inadvertently hurt someone else somewhere along the way. Of course there are those out there that never learn, unfortunately.
Where has the kindness gone in our society? I care about people’s feelings and will always be gentle with what I say. Oh yes I know those who don’t and I see the hurt or feel the hurt. My Mom has gotten to that point sometimes and I call her on it. She says well I just say what I want and I said and yes you hurt feelings…is that what you want? It has made her think about it more thank goodness. Sara in raising Tiger has told me the one thing she wants to make sure he learns is to be kind. I respect that so much.
hugs,
Linda
Kindness can’t be emphasized enough in this negative world. Thanks for the reminder, Claudia.
The only time I feel like being unkind is when I hear someone else being unkind..you can’t tell me that someone looks around an entire room and can find nothing nice to remark about..therefore they are being unkind on purpose..Oh how I would like to tell them what I think of them and their opinion..one other thing is when I hear the way some of these young parents talk down to their children..I look into their little faces and see the hurt there..how I would love to speak up for that child..you need to lift your children up..they have a whole big world out there to try and knock them down..It’s so much easier to be kind..you can’t make someone else feel good without feeling good about yourself..
“Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.” ~Robert Brault
And one more to give you a smile..
“If you step on people in this life, you’re going to come back as a cockroach.” ~Willie Davis
My mother always said “If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.” But, she doesn’t practice it at all. If I say something to her about it she says, “Well, it’s the truth.” She is very hurtful. On another note, I saw someone yesterday that I hadn’t seen for twenty years. She recognized me first. Then she said, ” We have aged a lot haven’t we?” It made .e so mad that I had a dream about her last nigh. People be nice.
Oh Claudia I wholeheartedly agree with you. We face so many unpleasant things in life but rudeness is just inexcusable. I believe kindness to our fellow human beings is a gift all of us are capable of giving. My folks taught us manners from the time we were old enough to learn and it’s a trait I’ve done my best to pass on to all the children I’ve taken care of in my child care career. Just today the dad of two children I took care of years ago thanked me for helping them become the people they are today. I will never forget his kindness in saying something so sweet to me.
…..and she must be a Sagittarius, right! My mother, bless her heart, was just like that, direct and spoke her mind no matter if it hurt. Me, completely opposite – never have wanted to hurt people with words, so did beat about the bush often when younger, and was always kind. Must admit am more inclined to speak my mind now, but always in a kind way, am never rude! It’s that ‘wearing purple/aging thing’, you know!!!!!
Hugs – Mary
Don’t you wish everyone felt that way? You can be honest and still care for the feelings of another. Makes you wonder what some people went through growing up to make them think they can say what ever is on their minds without thinking of how it will make another feel.
Eileen
These days it often feels like more and more people live in the selfish me, me, me mode. It’s hard to be kind when “it’s all about me” is your priority :( If everyone treated others, as they wish to be treated, the world would be a much nicer place!
You hit the nail on the head today! I cannot believe how rude our society has become. Whatever happened to common courtesy? It seems to me to be so much easier to be kind than to say something snarky. Thanks for your words. I could not agree more.
I think the key here is whether or not a person has asked for a honest opinion or not. A lot of times someone is just looking for validation. “How do you like my new dress?” Then a smile and a nod of approval and a positive comment is the best way to go. In most instances when I asked if I like A or B, I say “yes of course.” But if I can determine that a friend has asked for real honesty on a more important issue, I will tell them my true opinion, even if it’s not what that person would want to hear. I certainly try to be gentle and tactful about it – there’s no advantage in being brutally-honest – but I don’t think true friends sugarcoat or outright misrepresent their views to one another. And I try very hard not to express any views unless I am asked. That’s when “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all…” is really important. But in some situations I really want to know what my friends think about something. I value their honest feelings and often find other options in their replies. Especially when one of them is brave enough to offer the truth as he/she sees it, rather than what they think I’d like to hear. But in all situations, there are always ways to be kind, no matter what the view is.
I used to be very blunt. I think it was a way to protect myself. I often spoke before I thought. I didn’t do it to purposely cause pain to anyone else. I did it to relieve some of my own pain. However, the last few years I am trying to construct my sentences before I actually say them. It is difficult, because I do make fast opinions. But, I am trying.
It is truly amazing what a difference a little kindness can make – for the kind person and the recipient of the kindness~
Dear sweet friend,
Your writing today is so applicable. I simply do not understand unkindness toward others in word or deed. Greetings from middle TN!
Interesting post!
A friend of mine I love very much has recently “tried” to redecorate her home, jazz it up a bit. Her hubby doesn’t care for anything she’s suggested, even to simply putt curtains on the windows or a table topper on her dining table. (I told her my hubby has very little to say in the decoration of our home, but he does give input.) He has stated that if I’m happy; he’s happy.
One time while sitting at dinner I told him someone asked me how he—a retired Marine and as masculine as they come—lived in a pink house. Sitting there at the dining table he looked around and said, “What pink?” Gotta love a man like that. He truly loves our home and wants ME to be happy since I’m the one there most of the time.( Yes, he loves me that much.) Her home is a very “stark” house. She’s tried everything. I’ve made some “very careful suggestions” and she’s not been amenable to any of them. She truly doesn’t know what she wants. I send her pinterest ideas sometimes and tell her to scrutinize the rooms carefully for anything she might like. Nothing! I was actually getting tired of hearing about it because nothing was working. I love this woman very much. So finally I said to her, “Quit fretting about it. I only see and feel the love coming from your home.” She is the most caring and best friend anyone could have. Her house? Very boring but I’d never put it that way to her even if she asked. I just keep telling her it’s the love in her home I cherish more than anything.
And, yes, I’ve also blurted out things from time to time I wish I had never said. I’m getting better at it but I’m a work-in-progress on this issue and probably will be until the day I die.
xoxo,
Connie
Well said Claudia! So what if someone has a purple velvet couch? I will sit on it and tell them how lovely I think it is. They are smiling and I am smiling because my friend is smiling. Win win.
Common courtesy~ it’s not that common.
I once read about a study where imaging was done on brain activity, showing that being ignored or receiving negative comments caused as much pain as a physical beating. This is real. Your actions and words can either be a hug or a slap.
People don’t think I can be really nasty. I’ll take animals any day.
A little more kindness, empathy, and gentleness would surely do this precious world some good. Thank you for writing from your heart, Claudia.
I wholeheartedly agree. It happens in person constantly but even moreso online where folks seem to think they are anonymous somehow and can say whatever they want. Honestly, negative talk is always ego driven from my experience. I don’t engage in conversations where have a strong opinion that I know will cause strife. My opinion doesn’t always need to be voiced. And we need more positive interactions in this world. There’s enough negativity out there. Common sense seems to be lacking in society these days. I prefer to play old school. :) Have a wonderful Wednesday. Tammy