Lord, I love my morning coffee!
This morning is one of those mornings where it tastes like the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had. I’m savoring it. On my second cup now: Peet’s French Roast, pour-over method, which is now the only way I make my coffee. The apartment has a Keurig, a very nice one, but this is my preferred method.
The mug is from Billy’s Bakery in NYC. I had to bring it with me.
Alan Rickman’s death has really thrown me for a loop. I can’t get him out of my mind. Too young, of course, at 69 – much too young. He was one of my favorite actors and not because of any Harry Potter movies. I’ve never seen one. I have, however, seen him onstage, many years ago at the Edinburgh Festival, and he was, as you would expect, compelling and amazing and mesmerizing. He had talent galore and a charisma that was undeniable. I felt that charisma that evening. I loved his work in Truly, Madly, Deeply (one of my favorite movies) and in Sense and Sensibility and a host of other films. His performances were never boring, always impeccable, always riveting.
He had a voice that this vocal coach found endlessly fascinating. He shouldn’t be gone. He should still be with us.
Another great stage actor – Brian Bedford – also passed away a few days ago. He was one of the best. I was fortunate enough to see him onstage in Stratford, Ontario in the seventies – with Maggie Smith – and I still remember his performance. And hers. They are imbedded in my memory; magical, powerful, delightful, something I could only dream of doing as a young actress – I could go on and on with the adjectives. I watched him onstage in a couple of different productions. In Twelfth Night, he played Malvolio and at one point, when aroused in the middle of the night, he entered carrying a teddy bear. Oh, what a fine actor he was.
Such enormous losses for the Theater. Such talent, humanity,kindness and compassion gone in a flash.
Too much loss.
Meredith and I were talking yesterday about how our father’s death has affected us much more deeply than we had imagined it would. We miss him so much. And we’re very sad that her little boy, Little Buddy or, as I call him, Little Z, only had a brief time with his grandfather. My father adored him. He found him delightful and fascinating and loved nothing more than cuddling and reading to him. I think it’s fair to say that Little Z was the light of my dad’s life.
I had a message on Facebook yesterday from a guy I grew up with – we went to the same church. He wanted me to know that the Pastor of our church died on January 10th. Pastor Rolik was such a strong and powerful part of my young life; a gentle, compassionate and truly kind man. He was my mom’s age – she would have been 88. Such sad news to hear and, of course, my immediate reaction was that I needed to tell Mom. And Dad.
And I can’t.
The condo is now officially on the market. When it was listed, Meredith sent me the link.
Seeing it empty with nothing left from the many years my parents lived there was depressing. And very sad.
I guess this has ended up being a post about loss and grief and sadness.
On a happier note, rehearsals are going well. I truly love table work. I’m always eager to start again the next day. And isn’t that wonderful?
The apartment is great. (I really do like these apartments.) I’m reading a lot when I first get up and again in the evening, after I finish my dinner. Yes, I miss Don and Scout, but I’m having a lovely time here. This always happens, you know. I dread leaving home but once I get settled, I adjust quickly and really enjoy my time in Hartford.
Happy Friday.
Glad Hartford is going well. Sometimes a break in the routine, while we miss our home environment, can be quite refreshing.
It can and I think I needed it after all that’s happened in my life in the last couple of months.
This post is a lovely tribute to some amazing lives. Bittersweet reminder to love tirelessly and savor each moment with the people who mean so much to us, as your dad did with Little Buddy. I’m glad your time in Hartford is proving to be restful and a time of renewal as you work your craft!
Don and I were just saying that. Savor each moment!
Sometimes work is our therapy. Alan Rickman in Harry Potter…stunning. The whole cast was unforgettable. Nidia
He was a stunning actor in everything he did. He will be missed.
What a great and touching post. I could not agree more on Alan Rickman, love him so much in all that he did. He was beyond amazing in Harry Potter. And I agree with Nidia, the entire cast was completely unforgettable. Have a blessed day.
When you have some time, make sure you watch as many of his movies as you can. There’s also a two-hander with Emma Thompson that he did for PBS. Brilliant.
I’ve seen just about every movie that he’s ever done. We watch PBS all of the time. I’ve loved him since I was a teenager, many years ago LOL. I’ve been a fan of his for a very long time and I’m pretty certain I’ve seen almost everything he’s done. Other than onstage which I surely would have loved to see for myself.
Wonderful! Oh, I’m going to miss him so much!
Truly, Madly, Deeply is one of my favorite movies of all time. Alan Rickman was and still is a treasure.
Glad you are enjoying your stay in Hartford and the work you’re doing with the actors.
It’s good to be immersed in work. I couldn’t have done right after my dad died, but now is the perfect time for it.
There’s been a whole lot of loss lately. We hear about the well known stars or those who are married to celebrities, but as you’ve noted, there are regular folks and family members who we’ve lost, too. My husband’s cousin died this past Saturday in his sleep. He had severe asthma and just stopped breathing at the age of 53. A friend here has lost two aunts and a cousin within the last month. Very sad indeed. I’m glad you are settled in and enjoying your time. Every single morning I look forward to that first cup of coffee. All the best, Tammy
I’m so sorry for your loss – 53 is too young. Heartbreaking. Take care, Tammy.
I thought of you and Don yesterday when I heard the news about Alan Rickman. What a talent and yes gone too soon. This grief thing just keeps jumping at me from all different directions. I have my brothers face pop into my mind all the time. I long to hear his voice one more time (he was not able to speak when I was there with him at the end). Just one more phone call where we laugh and share our memories. It’s a rainy day here so it seems like a good day to let some more grieving happen. It seems never ending.
hugs,
Linda
I don’t think it ever ends, Linda. It just changes, goes a little more below the surface so that it isn’t at the forefront of our daily thoughts. I’m not there yet and I know you aren’t, either. xo
You are right, Claudia. Grief never ends. It’s a journey. It takes a long time before your loved one and the pain isn’t right there in your face all the time. After almost 6-1/2 years, there still isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about Phil. But a lot of the pain is now replaced with happy memories and I smile when I think about him. I still can’t bring myself to watch any videos with him in it though, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do so. But, that’s my path and everyone has their own.
Yes, we all have our own path. You do what you can do and what you can’t do is just fine. xo
I love Alan Rickman in Sense & Sensibility, he did have a great voice. He was great in Harry Potter too.
When people like your old pastor pass on and you think you need to tell your parents, don’t be sad, remember that they knew before you did and they are all together now. And you will see them all again one day. And when other things happen and you want to share with them, know that they are still with you in spirit, and I believe they hear you.
Thank you, my friend.
Too much.
It’s all too much, just now.
With you in spirit. Glad you are absorbed with something you love so much.
That little jolt when you remember you can’t call with news or questions, that sudden wash of grief that seems to come from nowhere when the sea of life is relatively quiet, how startling, how tiring these can be.
Beautiful beloved occupation is refreshing blessing.
Hugs
Thank you so much, Aunt Lou. Those are wise words.
There has been a lot of loss lately either personal, or people who are famous. I can’t help but think…we must make the most of everyday. Hartford seems like a healthy and needed break for you…work as distraction is a good prescription. I’m so glad you are enjoying your time in Hartford…it will go quickly! ;)
It will. We’re almost at the end of the first week here. It will go by very quickly!
Sending you hugs Claudia. Loss is indeed difficult…it also shapes us – often in surprisingly fine ways. So glad your work is going well and is a joy. Hope your weekend is a good one!
I’ll be working all weekend – when you’re in theater a weekend consists of two work days!
I don’t think there could be a truer ‘saying’ than one I learned of years ago: “Loss triggers memory of loss.” Once you’ve lost someone who was/is truly part of your soul, once you’ve experienced the kind of grief that doubles you over and screams from every seam; you are never the same again. You lose the floor under your feet, for a long time. Thereafter, loss experienced by others; loss you read about; loss of any kind hits you differently because you know what it means for those left behind and how drastically their lives will be affected. The trigger. It sets you off again. I think it maybe makes us more compassionate but it doesn’t mean it’s easier. And sometimes it comes in droves, or at least threes. When you brought up Nilsson recently, it prompted me to read about him again and I hadn’t realized he died in his early 50s, and it momentarily socked me in the gut.
Death is so…final. No go-backs; no second chance; no do-over. I’m so sorry you’re going through feelings of sadness, Claudia. Your father’s death is very recent. I’m encouraged that you and your sister can talk it out; be there for each other in a way that siblings can.
We had a slight spattering of snow on our surrounding mountains after our California rain some days back and it put me into a memory I’ll never shake when I see snow…the memory is fleeting, and I’m able to enjoy the snow, but it’s always poignant, because I remember driving to the hospital after they’d put my dad in a morphine coma (8 years ago), with him expected to pass in mere days, and I saw a similar snow that morning, left from rain the night before, exclaiming to myself in the car, “I have to remember to tell Dad today about the snow!” And then I instantly knew I would not, because I would never again have a conversation with him. These things etch holes in our soul.
It’s wonderful you love your work, that you are keeping busy and occupied. And time is a healer. I’m thinking of you; sending a hug of understanding and comfort.
Actually, Claudia, I think you’re quite resilient. You could be away in Hartford, moaning and groaning of being alone in the apartment, away from your family, having to work for a living, etc.-etc. Instead, despite the work, you’re turning it into a mini-vacation of sorts, once you’re done for the day, and going with the flow, keeping a positive outlook, for which I really commend you! You don’t seem like the type of person who will ever let herself sink, and it makes me think of some of the dialog in that 90s-era movie with the great actress Gena Rowlands called “Hope Floats” where her daughter (Sandra Bullock) quotes her about Hope: “Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”
Thank you, Vicki!
Don and I often talk about Nilsson’s tragically short life. He lived on the edge, unfortunately. A voice like an angel and a self-destructive streak that eventually took his life. So sad.
I think these things hit even harder as we grow older. Obviously, the older you get, the more loss you have suffered. And on and on it goes. We have a real sense, as we reach a certain age, of life’s briefness. And it’s hard to come to terms with.
Yeah, it goes by fast, doesn’t it…
I know how you feel with the loss of your parents and especially the more recent loss of your dad. Both of mine are deceased and I still feel their loss as profoundly as I did when they passed. I can certainly relate to wanting to call them and tell them something. My mom was my “go to” person, my best friend. I lost her in 2011 and I still find myself wanting and needing to call her to tell her something that might have happened in my day. I don’t think we ever get over losing them. The hurt never really lessens. But we do, however, learned to deal with it and accept it. Take care. I hope your day gets brighter.
Yes, we do. I miss my mom a lot. We really enjoyed each other and we had the same sort of sense of humor. One of the best memories I have is laughing with her and, because I’m pretty funny, doing something to make her laugh. And, of course, I miss my dad. Sometimes it’s overwhelming how much I miss them.
I have to say that when I first heard the news about Alan Rickman passing that I had no idea who he was as the news just said, “of Harry Potter fame”. After I learned of all the other movies he was in, I, of course, recognized his work and talent. I love him as the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. He was such a great villain!
I am sorry for the pain you are still in as you grieve the loss of your father. It is a pain that lingers a long time, softening as the days go on. I lost my father at 16, so I know how hard it is. I miss him still today.
We experience profound loss if we live long enough, but we also experience profound joy. I pray that the joy you feel in your work will help temper the losses you feel.
Happy Weekend!
Susan
It is certainly helping at this moment. At least it keeps me occupied part of the day, which helps to hold the sadness off.
As so many others have said, that feeling of “I should call Mom and/or Dad” when something happens, well, it NEVER goes away. At least it surely hasn’t for me. Which brings up feelings of regret for me, because I think of all of the times I could have or should have called them and thought I would do it later….. and later didn’t come way too many times.
When I heard the news about Alan Rickman I thought that he was way too young. So sad. Truly, Madly, Deeply is a favorite movie, and he really was amazing in Harry Potter. I am hoping that some of his movies will be on in the next month or so as that is what usually happens when someone passes.
I am so happy you are able to relax as well as work while you are away. There isn’t that almost constant pull to do something in the house when you are home, and not to sit down and “just” read or watch something on TV.
Hope you have another wonderful Hartford day today!!
Oh, I have so many things I wish I could take back, or unsay, or do better. I often resented my father’s phone calls, simply because he could be hard to deal with and called a lot. Now, of course, I’d give anything to hear his voice again.
You’re right about being away. I don’t have to do the usual chores. I’m here to do one thing and that is work. So in my off time, I can indulge myself with reading lots of books.
I have always enjoyed Alan Rickman’s work, and now to read such accolades for him truly makes me a fan of the person as well as the actor. Mmy daughter is also an appreciator of his work, so we’ll gather up the DVDs we own and have an Alan Rickman marathon. Given that he’s in all eight Potter movies, we’ll be deep in viewing isolation for days. Since I knit or stitch while watching anything on a screen, I plan to get many UFOs finished.
I’m sad for you, Claudia, because you feel so deeply. The condo held many memories that are now transferred to you and Meredith. The most hopeful scenario is that whomever buys the condo will begin to create happy memories of her/his/their own…. One of the happiest memories for you will be your Dad’s, and your Mom’s, personal interactions. Especially sweet will be your Dad’s time with Little Buddy. I absolutely loved my grandparents, and they loved me. That love stays with a person forever. Little Buddy is extremely fortunate to be so well-loved by so many people.
So glad you’ve acclimated to your current living/work situation. You know you do eventually, but life’s circumstances at the moment are the unknown factors that skew the acclimation. Conti ue to have fun!
Little Buddy is truly a magical child, who brings light and joy and laughter wherever he goes. He is an angel. And Dad knew that and loved him very, very much.
It seems like 2016 has had too many deaths already–too many close to my age. Nothing makes one feel more mortal.
So glad you are enjoying your work in Hartford :)
I spotted this and wondered if you’d seen it:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/17/arts/design/dollhouse-appraised-at-8-5-million-is-to-tour.html?_r=0
Yes, I’ve seen it, Terri. Thank you for thinking of me!
I’ve never seen that little coffee mug/maker before. I’m going to research it. Thanks for sharing. Yes, it’s been a couple of weeks of many losses.
I got it on Amazon, Barbara.
Glad you have something interesting to distract you from the sale of your parents’ house, Claudia. It is SO tough to watch a family home being sold. Places we know like the backs of our hands and spent decades living in now moving on to new families – complete strangers. Just a little bit heartbreaking, but at least we always have the memories. Have a great weekend. PS – yum, Peets French roast – I can relate! ☕️
The condo is a place I never lived in. Our childhood home was sold many, many years ago and I wasn’t living in Michigan when that happened, though I did go back to say farewell to it. But the condo was the place my parents chose in their final years. My dad loved looking at the lake outside their window, watching the birds and the occasional alligator. It represents a lot to Meredith and me. Even more to Meredith, who lived a couple of miles away.
I’m so glad that you’re settling well in Hartford. I was also saddened to hear of the passing of Alan Rickman. If anything my daughter is even sadder than I am. He was one of her absolute favorite actors. She loved him in Sense and Sensibility and as the sheriff of Nottingham. In Robin Hood among other rolls. And then I read that Celine Dion’s husband has also just passed away. There has been a lot of loss lately including you and Merideth’s terrible loss of your dad. I know from personal experience how devastating it is to lose your parents. Little buddy is quite the light of the family isn’t it? I so enjoy reading updates about him. You can just see the devilish little twinkle in his eyes! I hope you have a lovely afternoon Claudia.
Blessings, Betsy
I adore Little Buddy and I miss him terribly. I love it when I get a chance to talk to him on the phone. He’s a magical boy.
You have mixed sadness and joy very well in this post, Claudia. The grief attached to loss of those we care about deeply, be they family, friends or a person we admire. Then the joy of working with people and a script you obviously love!
Life is a mixture each and every day of so many emotions. I hope you enjoy your weekend.
It is, indeed, Sue. Thank you. Have a good weekend.