I admit it. I’m more than a bit down right now. I’m tired of existing in what seems to be a perpetual state of worry and tension. I know that my presence here on the blog is usually a cheery one and that’s not a false front. I tend to be cheery and certainly the act of writing this daily journal-blog and taking photographs goes a long way in helping me see the world with grateful eyes.
But sometimes, the struggle gets to be too much. The constant worry about money and bills and will we be able to pay the mortgage and why is the car acting up just plain gets to me. The artistic world in which we work, while lovely, does not bring in a big paycheck. I’ve worked at other jobs and the irony is that those 9-5 jobs that I am qualified for have never paid as well as theater. And theater doesn’t pay very well at all.
We’re not corporate types. I’ve worked in that world, as an underling of course, and the entire time I was there I felt I was playing the biggest acting role of my career; pretending to care even a little bit about all the facts and figures and deadlines and corporate-speak. That’s not the way my brain is wired, unfortunately. We are all artists, of course, but Don and I are performing artists. That’s the world we live in, that’s where our talents are put to the best use, that’s where we can be of service. Because when you come down to it, being of service is the most important thing. At least, for us it is.
I just want some breathing room. I don’t need a lot of money – just enough for a simple life here at the cottage, with bills paid and something in our savings account. For a rainy day. For health insurance. For the new radiator that my mechanic just told me we need. You see, things like that throw us. There’s no wiggle room here at the cottage. We are immediately thrown into a tailspin. And speaking for myself, I panic. I add up figures, I think about how I can shuffle the bills around, what I need to pay exactly on time, and what I can leave just a bit longer. I wake up in the middle of the night and then I can’t get back to sleep because my worrier of a brain starts its endless cycle of ‘what ifs.’
I practice gratefulness. And I am very grateful for so many things in my life. Truly. I affirm that all our needs have been and will be taken care of. That our supply is infinite. I believe in that.
However, on some days that affirming seems to be the hardest thing in the world to do. It certainly has been next to impossible for the last couple of days. But that’s my problem and I know it. I can choose to look at things from one perspective, that of fear and worry and lack, or I can choose to look at it from an entirely different point of view. Some days I am spectacularly good at this. Others….not so good.
Sometimes I get angry; feeling I should be like everyone else I seem to encounter in life and on the web and I’m not, so I’ve failed. Lots of money in my savings account, an endless supply in which to buy a new house, or redecorate or get a new car or just a second car or travel. I see my childhood friends seemingly more financially secure than I, and I envy them that. But then I remember that everyone has problems, that no matter what I perceive to be someone’s state of mind and health and finances, I don’t know the whole story. I have friends who are struggling with illness, who are frightened about their health. I have friends who are struggling with money. I have friends who are worried about their kids or their parents or the stability of their jobs. Though it’s easy to think that no one else struggles like we seem to do here at the cottage, I know that is a lie.
So I come here, to this place that has become a second home to me, this blessing of a blog – and I write. I write to put into some sort of coherent text just what is going on in my head. I write to learn more about myself and to come to terms with something. If I put it down on virtual paper, the fear loses some of its power and the catharsis begins. I tell you, that is something I’m extremely grateful for.
Then I edit and hope you the reader will understand and wonder if I’ve said too much or dumped too much on you. I hope not. This blog is not about a creating a pretty, happy place, although often, thank goodness, it is about pretty and happy things because that’s how my world is at that moment. This blog is about my life here at the cottage and on the road and sometimes it’s messy or angry or sad or scared. I’m a straightforward, honest girl and I have to be that way here.
Hey, I threw in a pretty photo. That should count for something!
Thanks for listening. I know that all of you have your struggles. How do you get through them with grace and faith and hope? I want those three words to define the way I live my life. If you have some thoughts, I’d love hearing them. Thank you, my dear friends.
Happy Thursday.
One day at a time, dear girl, one day at a time is how we get through all of life’s struggles. There have been times it was one hour at a time…
I struggle with the same things — health problems, children (getting to college age), no money but plenty of bills, no savings and right now no second income (it turns out that staying home to raise your children is worth less than zero in today’s job market). I want to be happy. I am a happy person, but the struggle to stay financially afloat saps everything from me. I look around and wonder why others have and “deserve” more than we do and I try very hard to be thankful for the things I do have. It is exhausting. I get discouraged. I feel defeated. I feel scared.
But, I think it helps to know that you are not alone in this struggle. I think more people than we expect are in the same place, and I try to remind myself that I don’t know what is around the corner for me. Things could change in a heartbeat.
I know some days feel hopeless, but you said it yourself, you have been provided for and your needs met. Worry and sleepless nights never paid a bill or solved a problem. Live in today and just deal with today
You and Don are in my prayers.
I love to read your blog, complaints or no!! I am single now and living on my retirement from the PO. I went out a bit early and only get enough to get by, also work part time at a Yogurt store to help. Love to craft and wish I had more time to devote to it. Also love to Thrift and resell some, but I don’t work that hard enough. I am a Cancer survivor, 10 years, so I try to not let stress bother me too much, but it is hard!! I love to read what you write!! You take care!!!!
hug.
Grace, faith, hope and the greatest of all….LOVE, which you have been blessed with. We do need to remind ourselves every day (every minute!) of these don’t we? I also struggle financially since changing occupations (part time rather then 50+ hours per week) and although we are in good health and are blessed with a wonderful family and a safe and cozy roof over our heads, the financial struggle seems to, often, overshadow our many blessings. We’ve never gone hungry, our bills are paid and although we need to carefully plan for extras, our extras seem to always happen. I am struggling in a similar way as you, maybe that is why I appreciate your blog so much and your honesty and openness. Keep doing what you do Claudia, I suspect there are many more (like you) than like some of the blogs that only showcase the wonderfulness in their lives.
Lori
Oh my dear sister, we all have struggles, many in fact, they may not be exactly like yours but they keep us up at night with a pit in our bellies. Worry never solved anything, but it sure is hard to get rid of. I love you and I am here for you.
Meredith
I am listening Claudia! That is the beauty of blogging, sharing the good, the bad, the pretty, the happy. LET IT OUT! Now I want you to go outside, take a long walk and bring the camera with you. That helps me ;)
I have had a very hard last ten years .. Sometimes life gets very stressful and you have to live in the good moments and take one day at a time. I am lifting you up everyday….
Hugs help…..
Dottie
I used to worry all the time about lots of things. Finally, i read something that Dr. Phil wrote. He said to take whatever you are worrying about to the worst possible case. So, when I lost my job and had no income and was about two mortgage payments from foreclosure I investigated how long that process would take, how much notice would I have to get my belongings, what do apartments cost… And I knew I could live in my car with my dog and survive. Seriously. I would be okay. I read what Brenda did when she left her big house and moved to the small one. I gave things away and made arrangements for a family heirloom to be cared for. I felt stronger and less worried and less burdened. I didn’t have to leave my house but it sure is more streamlined. I still need a part time job and have discovered after years of teaching that I really enjoy just simple manual jobs. Stocking shelves, cleaning houses is best for me. I have changed and grown so much in the past 2 years and I am happy about that. I don’t have health insurance or a savings account or a pension. ( I taught in a private school so benefits were minimal.) I don’t know what will happen when I am older but today I am okay.
I too think about my classmates (we are almost all retired now) and friends and how they are buying second houses – or big boats and wonder why we are struggling so hard to get our house paid for so my husband can retire, finally, at age 73. It doesn’t seem fair – and I guess I’m a commune-ist at heart – wealth should be better distributed and even though we struggle at times – I see people who are forced by circumstances to stand on the street corner and ask for money. How humiliating that must be – I’ve seen others throw coffee cups at them and spit on them – and then someone says it is disgraceful to stand on the corner with a sign. I wouldn’t want that job – and often it is the only job they can get – it makes me feel superbly wealthy, even in the midst of a struggle now and then.
And then I think again about the people I see with lots of money – and think about their lives – their divorces, children who are a constant worry and problem, family members not speaking, or even worse – sabotaging each other, affairs that their relationships can’t recover from – and on and on – no thank you – I’ll take my money worries (and I do have to say – they are minor at times) over some of the problems that those with more money have. I realize that people with less money also have problems like that too – but it seems to me that the money is diminished by the other worries. I certainly will choose my life over what I see of others.
Claudia, so many of us can empathize with you. I’ve been there – 20 years spent working overseas with a non-profit organization does nothing for the bank account. But provision comes. I am a person of faith, and that sustains me, but does not change immediate circumstances. Now that things have eased for us, I never want to forget others who are struggling. Know that you are not alone – I wish I could give you a hug and a cozy cup of tea.
It’s good to get things off your chest. Life can be very hard and struggling to survive doesn’t help. I hope something comes along that eases the stress for you!
I’m here to chime in that you indeed are not alone. I lie awake at night stressing over the same things you do.
The constant balancing act gets very tiring. The last six weeks were a real test for me and I wouldn’t have mad it through without one dear friend to vent to. And even though I did make it, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I told my friend it sure costs a lot just to get back to “normal”.
Life is not always easy for any of us. I am glad you share your feelings and are honest. Your feelings help those of us also going through challenges know we are not alone. When I am overwhelmed (which is right now) I just take time out from making myself do anything and listen to my body and rest until I feel better. Be good to yourself and know you are appreciated.
I understand. I have problems also and have wondered how I can live with them with grace, courage, and hope. Hope is the hardest. I have a friend who has been dealing with her cancer for ten years and her husband’s for six. She is the most fun person to be around! She is always telling the most interesting stories, telling me about new recipes, grandchildren, and yard work. Her shirttail relations are a hoot. She smiles and laughs and is a joy to have in my life. What I think she can do that I can’t is live and enjoy life in the midst of pain and uncertainty. She is able to move her troubles to a back burner and enjoy the rest. I let my problems lay on top of the rest so the good can’t been seen or felt. Hers is a mindset I hope to achieve. It hasn’t happened yet, but I won’t give up. I will pray that you can figure all this out and find a way through that will make you content.
Claudia, I don’t read your blog just for the happy, fun,or pretty posts. I read it because I love what you have to contribute. Whatever you are feeling that day. I have those days. More than I think I should. On those days I try to pray without stopping. It helps me to move forward, and not feel like my life is just a burden,
The times when you are overwhelmed are also a part of your talented self. Share here, and receive our love for you.
I wish I could wave a wand and make these things better for you. I wish that I could give you peace and contenment – knowing that everything will work out in the end. I think the reality of the world that we are living in now is that we are all carrying something. For me it’s a daily struggle with physical pain that doesn’t allow me the opportunity to work, problems with my only son whom I haven’t seen in five years, and the normal financial stuff. For you it seems to be the uncertainty of the finances, time apart from your spouse, your parents health issues – you’ve got a lot going on even things I’m sure that you don’t share here on your blog.
Give yourself a break. It’s okay to be overwhelmed, worried, stressed over this stuff. It’s normal, right? I know it isn’t easy and it seems that there always has to be something going on to cause this stress – things just can’t seem to be normal.
For me I just try to find joy and peace in the small things of each day. Yes, I’m in pain today but wow look at that sunrise. Sitting outside in my swing with a great cup of coffee and and even greater book surrounded by my flowers. Sure the noise of the city is there – the construction, the sirens – but I’m determined to make the morning a good one! Do I always do this – absolutely not. But I do my best and most days I accomlish that.
But on the days that I can’t be positive I allow myself the feelings that I’m having. We are human Claudia and we all feel these things and carry them each day. Just try to be a bit more gentle with yourself today – enjoy a hot cup of tea, a good book, quilting, hugging your baby – whatever you need to get you through the day.
Everything does pass in time. You’ve have a good heart and a peaceful spirit – you will walk out of this. I’m certain that you are a survivor and you will be okay.
I guess what I’m trying to say with all my rambling – it’s okay to feel the way you do. It’s normal, you are entitled and you are not alone. I hope you find some peace in your day and your issues are resolved soon. Sending good thoughts, prayers and hugs to you.
Belinda
Claudia, I sure can’t offer advice, but know that you are not alone in this. This spring has been very difficult for me, loving family members who have health, bereavement, and emotional traumas. At the worst moment, I could only put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. Thinking of you.
I love your blog and the “realness” of it. We read blogs and they seem to have it altogether, beautiful homes, amazing creativity, and well behaved pets! Then there’s the rest of us. LOL You are so talented, to be able to sew, and create like you do. I so envy your abilities. Some how everything always comes together and you have Scout and Don, your little cottage and your many many blog friends. Prayers and hugs for all of you!
Claudette
I do know how you are feeling as do many others. Life doesn’t seem fair at times…but it’s how we navigate through the tough times that makes us stronger. Some situations we bring upon ourselves, through decisions we’ve made…and other situations just seem to be attracted to us. I’ve been in both, and the only way I’ve been able to cope, is to believe that a better day is a coming…whether it is health or money related. If I don’t keep a positive attitude, I’m sunk. So I will send positive thoughts your way…and a few prayers! ;)
You are amazing, your chosen words are a gift to me and so many every day. Are there other ways to earn extra money today in a world seemingly filled with so much anger and violence? I believe in you Claudia, a truly gifted writer, and gatherer of friends, ideas and compassion for others. I shall keep you and your family in my prayers. So many of us have very similar financial concerns, health issues and miss the strength of two solid paychecks. All of us have a story, you are not alone, I know life seems a struggle today, but I firmly believe there are opportunities and positive results ahead for you. Please believe in your heart new doors will open, that will include $$$. I’m asking you to continue to write. Be well, and thank you for sharing your soul.
I hear you Claudia. As an artist who has worked in the “other world”, I struggle all the time too. Sometimes are harder than others. Then I look at my life, family, pets and farm and know I could not change things. If I won a lottery well, that is probably the only way I could get really ahead. For now I plug along with my art hoping that one day someone, somewhere will look and say ” Wow, that is lovely, I would like to start selling them in my very overpriced shop for you”.
I can dream. I know it is hard dear friend, but we choose our paths and sometimes we must suffer for our craft and choices.
I hope a huge ray of sunshine hits you both very soon,
Sue
Prayer, absolutely. Then my hubby who keeps me grounded. You’re not the only one keeping a “good face” on; we ALL do it from time to time. God never promised us life would be easy; he just tells us it would be worth it. I struggle on a daily basis and sometimes just need to “lose it” from time to time. Meltdown, breakdown, whatever one wants to call it. But then I get out of the house and go to lunch with “th’ girls” and see it from a different perspective. That ALWAYS makes me feel better. Just listening to others speak of their lives puts it into perspective for me, hearing their trials makes mine seem so much less trying. We usually think everyone has it better than us; this is a fallacy. Even when I’m down and crying, I know I lead a charmed life. I also KNOW if I didn’t tithe and give money to less fortunate I wouldn’t be as fortunate as I am. I lead a life full of blessings for that one thing. Truly, it works. I’m absolutely NOT prescribing anything for you, just telling you how we live our lives and it works. We receive so many blessings I can’t keep up sometimes. I feel inadequate not being able to do what my hubby does, but he tells me I can only do what I can do. I listen to him and he’s right.
On the other foot, I have my “bawling” sessions regularly lately. But at heart I am an optimist person. I also tend to judge harshly others and know it’s wrong. I’m trying my best to overcome this. It’s not easy to change the way I was brought up. But as long as I’m on the path I’m learning.
I wish I had more advice to give you but I don’t. This is just something you and your hubby have to work out. Life is a set of trials for all of us; I’m just grateful mine aren’t something I can’t handle with grace and be thankful for the journey.
xoxoxoxoxoxo,
Connie
just wanted to give you a hug and a hug for your baby too ~ sometimes it’s the animals that help us the most when times are hard.
Claudia – I don’t know what to say. Except, that things continue to keep us stirred up in our lives and that does nothing except complicate our lives. When we think things are going okay then, suddenly the rug is pulled out from under us. Have faith and know that you will make it thru the rough times and things will get better. Keeping you in my prayers and praying for peace and contentment in all of your worries.
Love,
Judy
I understand—sending hugs, thoughts, and prayers to you.
I feel like that too dear girl. I’m a visual artists and the sad truth is that the art and the photography do not pay for my mortgage payments, feed my child or pay for her university, and so I take in students to make ends meet. This house, this life, it’s all on me. Robert, my partner, although the most wonderful loving person in my life, lives very far away for most of the year and has his own house, food etc to pay for. One thing he taught me, (because he’s a Zen practitioner and very good at it), at those 4am times to say, “right now, this minute, I am fine. I have shelter, food and warmth.” I also happen to have love and that must me more than maybe 50% of the population. That, plus meditation calms me down, because believe me, I know a thing or two about artistic unlimited imaginations. If you live close to a university or a ESL school, maybe you could take in a student for a month or two to help. I certainly can tell you much more about that process. (and about the meditation which calms me down, like putting my troubles into a pink balloon and sending it up to the universe to deal with) :) This is what I love about finding people like you to get to know. I don’t feel so alone. Much love. :)
Claudia, I hear you loud and clear!!! Money, actually the lack of it, has made me have many a sleepless night. But life goes on. I drive an old car. The garden and our trees & vineyards provide a lot of what we eat/drink. It is not a fancy life. But I am happy that I have a wonderful partner that is happy to see me each and every day. I am thrilled to have him in my life. Our animals are a great source of love and contentment. Even when they pass the memories of their love and antics eventually make us smile. I have no answers. But you have a lot of people that care about you (look at the comments-we actually do care!) and you have Don. You live in a beautiful place the is overflowing with your creativity and warmth. Cars…well, I have a love/hate relationship with them. I love it when they haul me around, but I am not happy when they gut my wallet. Thank you for your blog, and know that you are in my thoughts.
Oh, how I understand what you’re going through. My husband has been unemployed for seven of the twenty-three years we’ve been married (through no fault of his own). Those days came with many sleepless nights and tense days as we watched our bank account dwindle down to nothing and wondered what were we to do. Now at retirement age he has a great job working at home but can’t retire because we’re still playing catch up.
Our oldest son just passed away ten days ago after 30 years of battling various (and usually unknown) illnesses. We are reeling with sorrow on one hand and grateful that he is no longer suffering on the other.
My experience has been that we usually have either financial, relationship, job, vehicle, or health issues to deal with most of the time with brief periods of respite between. I am grateful that usually (not always, but usually) we deal with one issue at a time.
I would not survive I am sure if it were not for my faith. I find peace and strength and courage to go on from the time I spend in my Lord’s presence talking with Him and reading His word. I pray you will find the peace you seek but realize that these trials are part of the human condition.
I share that struggle! Sometimes paying the bills feels like opening a vein, and after the bills are paid, there is little wiggle room for any kind of emergency, like getting our dryer repaired this week :-( !
It is hard. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, for peace of mind.
De vez em quando eu também me sinto como você está se sentindo agora. Sentindo que o fardo está muito pesado para meus ombros pequenos. E sinto que todos à minha volta estão em melhor situação e fico me perguntando porque. Mas é como você diz: cada um de nós tem suas lutas, e essas lutas parecem, em alguns momentos, maiores que as dos outros. Você não parece o tipo de pessoa que permite que a tristeza a domine, então respire profundamente e deixe que as preocupações assumam o tamanho com o qual você consegue lidar. E quando a angústia dominar novamente, veja só quantas pessoas estão e estarão aqui pra te confortar. Um grande abraço,
Zilda
I don’t always blog happy or even throw in a pretty photo. Add to my broken tooth ..they cut through a truss in my attic while installing that expensive AC a few weeks back and three appointments this week so far has resulted in them breaking a plumbing vent line so my house filled up with sewer gas for two days and I have to have windows open in 110 heat ( it’s going to 118 in 2 days) and I still don’t have truss repaired..so yeah I know the feel sorry for myself blues..but they pass and we march on….do we have another choice?
If you were faking happy ,,,people would know and like many other blogs I have passed on that have a facade, I would no longer visit. Real it is….. I still purge things for extra money and find I can live just fine without my collections any more. I had a roommate for 5 months but that did not end well. Husband of a friend of mine relocating here- he came ahead…
It was awkward and he broke several things and was messy. I still consider it at times but it is a huge sacrifice of privacy I think. As in… I could nto walk around with crotchless Pjs and no bra. lol
I hate to know you’re worrying Claudia. Reading about your money struggles makes me so mad about how artists always seem to struggle to simply do what we are meant to do. Thankfully my husband is a corporate type and his job is enough for us to live comfortably, so my artistic pursuits and crafty money making endeavors aren’t a make or break thing….my goal is to avoid putting the family in debt while I shop garage sales for furniture to flip or Hobby Lobby for crafting supplies! I don’t usually succeed though….and I do wonder sometimes if something would happen with hubby’s job, what on earth I could do to help bring in money. I have no degree, just a head full of ideas, and eye for design and a decent singing voice.
I have also recently been struggling again with depression and anxiety, as well as some health stuff. I almost wrote about it myself on my blog, but I never hit ‘publish’ on the draft. Perhaps I should. It does help to write, and I think it helps others see we aren’t perfect behind our carefully and thoughtfully designed blogs. I appreciate your openness in letting us know you’re struggling.
I would love to send you a little something to cheer you. If you send me your address I’ll pop in the mail tomorrow :) I hope knowing we all care helps a bit. I will keep your beautiful heart close to my own in hopes that it helps relieve some of your burden…..
I have no advice to give except to say that whenever you feel the need to vent, vent away. We are here for you.
If worrying could fix any of my problems throughout my life, I would have led a charmed one indeed. Since I couldn’t find a single instance of worry affecting things positively or a single instance of a negative outcome from not worrying, I gave it up. The universe appears to be completely unmoved by my mental gymnastics. I’m most at peace when I simplify my life. I’m definitely more creative when living simply. You are very lucky to have Don to share things with. I envy you that. So, see, you do have it better than someone else!
Oh, Claudia, I’m sorry you are feeling low. Financial stress is a pain in the you-know-what. I’ve felt exactly what you are feeling. Just a few months ago, my 2002 minivan died (3rd time in so many months). At over 150,000 miles, the engine seized and the mechanic said it was NOT worth putting thousands of dollars into as it had been in the shop on a monthly basis for something or other since the beginning of the year. He said I’d just be throwing away more money. After searching for something I could afford, I ended up with a small 2001 SUV that was actually a year OLDER than the vehicle I was replacing. I’ll be very happy if it lasts longer than the loan I took out on it :)
I try to be always mindful of all the blessings I do have, and of how many people would gladly trade their troubles and worries for mine. That thought always puts my mindset back in order. I do thank God on a daily basis for all I have. And if I’m particularly stressed, just heading out to the backyard to watch my Chips, Sammy’s, and bird friends is so relaxing. I know that you probably also get great relaxation from watching the bunnies and birds in your yard. Carve out some time to sit out on that beautiful funky patio of yours and DON’T feel guilty for doing NOTHING for a while! Just relax, enjoy, and let your cares wash away for a while. You deserve it!!!
Hope you’re feeing better soon…
Hugs,
Donna
Hi Claudia: I read this mornings entry and wish we were closer so we could sit down with a cup of tea. We are all struggling with you. Every day it seems harder to be optimistic. Life was so much simpler walking the halls of EFHS. I’ve recently gone back to church just to have a hour of peace. I’ve always been prayerful but have found the quiet of being in church very relieving. Sometimes I just sit there. Other times I go to the service. It puts my mind at ease. I also find yoga and meditation helpful. Beaumont Hospital has a wonderful program for cancer patients and survivors called Silver Linings. The program is wonderful. Hang in there and don’t give up. Find that special place where you can be peaceful. Even for an hour.
Your blog gives me a warm feeling every morning. I so look forward to them and now I have figured a way to respond so I feel we are closer.
Sending you a big hug…..Corinne
From Argentina, I send you a big hug.
Sending a big hug your way, Claudia… I hope it helps to know you are not alone… Francine
Do I ever know where you’re coming from Claudia. I could have written much of this post about my life. I just want to be able to pay the bills and enjoy the simple things in life too. The thought of having health insurance makes me giddy. It is a struggle much of the time to keep my spirits up so I know how that feels for sure. Like you though, I’m grateful for what we do have and feel blessed beyond measure most of the time. Car troubles panic me because our van is 11 yrs. old and I know it can’t last forever but then we can’t afford a car payment either. All I can say is just keep doing the best you can and try not to worry, easier said than done I know but it’s what I have to make myself do when things get to be too much. Hope you feel more positive soon and know you’re not alone. All of us who read your blog feel enriched by what you share with us each day. Take care friend!
I’m sorry you have so many things troubling you. It is difficult when you have money worries all the time, how can you feel positive and optimistic when you have bills to be paid and then other things go wrong on top of that. To have financial security would be such a lifesaver. I really enjoy your blog and you are a gifted writer and talented in so many other ways as well. I understand how you don’t enjoy the corporate world and want to make money artistically. It can be a difficult road. There are so many of us that understand what you are going through, although it doesn’t help you pay your bills, hopefully it will send you some comfort. Hugs to you, Diane
Claudia…seriously I could have written this myself..right down to the radiator in the car! Walking along right there with you! Some days of late I feel like the path is so rocky and I am tired..and whiney..but I keep trudging along! Thank you for the heartfelt, honest post..is good to know I am not walking alone! Truly, Sarah :)
friends listen when friends speak. I am always ready to listen knowing your will listen when I need you to.
Claudia, my heart goes out to you. It truly does. Sometimes it helps to share your heart with others as you did here.
I think the economy has had everyone concerned, if not downright scared, and for us, it means retirement after the point at which we had hoped my dear husband could finally slow down from the treadmill he has been on for his entire career. The downtown in the economy has also meant postponing some things that desperately need to be done, too.
Mr. Magpie’s profession is one of the most stressful in the world according to the experts, and while he is excellent at what he does, some day he would like to retire. But when? And there are others who are partially dependent on us. So what happens to them when he does retire? I try my best to keep my eyes on Heaven from whence comes the help we need. The true source of blessings.
As you said, we all have struggles, and mine of late seem to be losing so many of the people I love and on whom I depend. The ones who have your back and you, theirs. The ones with whom you have a history. The losses have been staggering. Every time I turn around, there is a death or the threat of one. My world seems to be smaller and smaller in terms of my nearest and dearest, and as a person who values friendship/loved ones as one of life’s greatest gifts, I can tell you it is a painful process. At times it feels like I am in an emotional Kuisinart.
The only way I get by is leaning hard on my faith. It is the one constant in my life. For me, God is a solid place in a world that is unsettled. I have had to lean hard on God since I lost my father at just barely 19 years of age and my mother in my 30’s. He is my parent, and I go to Him as I would to my own beloved father. And even though the ones we’ve loved and lost can never be replaced, God does bring other people into our lives for us to love and to hopefully love us. Do I get down? I would be lying if I said I didn’t, but when I do find myself in a hard place, I remind myself that it is mine to choose whether to remain there or to focus on the blessings I do have in my life. Then I count them. Call them out loud, past and present. I “set my face like a flint” and point my eyes toward The Lord. I give myself a talking to and choose to turn myself in a different direction. I work things out on my blog as well.
To that end, someone (an anon poster) said some particularly cruel things to me this morning about appearing brainless and vapid in a post I thought I had carefully and lovingly written about my mother in law, sharing things she had shared with us, things that comforted her and us, too. The poster implied that my beliefs were trite, too, though that wasn’t the exact term. I awoke after a stressful day of trying to cope with an impending loss of a dear loved one to find that waiting for me on my blog. At first I was stunned at the sheer audacity of someone saying that to me when I am going through one of the hardest moments of my life, losing the last of our four parents and one of the linchpins of support in my world. I am close to my mother in law. Very, very close. I have known her for most of my life and had her as a mother in law for well over half of it. She has been my “Mom”.
The funny thing is, she gave me an early birthday card and present shortly after I read the comments this morning (she knew nothing of the comments), and the contrast was startling. She assured me of her never ending love for me which I have never doubted. Then, what did I do? I started wondering if I were going to be left in this uncivil world when the gracious one I grew up in was disappearing before my eyes! I cried some pretty bitter tears, but the comments of some friends helped tremendously. Those blog friends (and my friends off the blog) are the salt of the earth and put the “civil” in “civility”.
Then after I regained my composure, I was struck by how lost the anon poster must be and how miserable, too, to say such unkind things to someone who is unknown to him/her or even to someone he/she knew. There is a way to say things. What struck me immediately is that for some reason that poster hates God and took it out on me because I love Him. If I were to desert God as they wanted me to do, I wouldn’t be me at all. I would be a miserable wreck.God is crucial and central to my life. He is so much a part of me I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live without Him.
I erased the post because I have family members who read my blog, and I didn’t want them upset or hurt. Mr. Magpie said that he had never seen such blatant rudeness in his entire life, and he’s a corporate litigator. Still, all morning I kept thinking of how I would reply to what is obviously a cry for help. But as the day wore on, the hurt started in on my feelings. Finally, I just had to stop and not allow someone who is hurting to inflict their hurt on me. You can’t help a person who drowns you before you can help them. Lifesaving 101. I have to make a conscious decision to walk in love as Christ loved us. I erased the reply, but I might answer it at some point when l feel I can do it justice and reply in kindness. Kindness to others should be a rule by which we all live.
I don’t know that this helps, Claudia, but that’s how I try to live when life gives me lemons. Please know I love you and am sending you tender hugs and thoughts across the miles. Hugs to Don and Scout, too.
XO,
Sheila
Hi Claudia, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Mary
I think I was happiest, when I had the least amount of money to spend. It made living on as little as possible a challenge, and it was fun to see how little we could get by with. I was a divorced mom of three, and often had an extra teenager living with us, but we always had enough. I used the envelope system, and used cash for everything but bill paying. I had $60.00 a week for food, and it had to cover everything, including the gallon of milk the kids consumed every day. Our clothes came from Goodwill. We had great clothes! High end, like new, and cheap! My place of employment was next to a Goodwill store and co-workers and I would go there during our lunch break and find great clothing and household items.
We never ate out. I made all of our meals from scratch, and planned my shopping, and meal plans around loss leaders. I didn’t make a lot of money, but I had a professional job that included health benefits.
When the kids were grown, I continued to live frugally, and started saving every dollar I could save. I concentrated paying off the mortgage early. I refinanced and paid it off 11 years early. When you no longer have a house payment, you can put all of that money into savings, mutual funds, etc.
I retired early, and my income is meager, because of that, but I continue to live frugally. I still buy high end clothing at thrift stores, and only buy retail when there is free shipping and a great clearance price. I don’t shop at the mall. I drive my car for at least a dozen years and when I get a “new” car, it is a program car, previously owned by a car rental agency, and I buy one I have saved up for, and pay cash.
You are very creative. I just read an article, in Country Living magazine, about a young woman who sells homemade toys, similar to your rabbit. She gets $98.00 for each! She reached out to other bloggers to spread the word and ended up getting her creations on two big retail sites.
Could you get a job with a local theater group? Could you tutor? Could you teach on-line classes through a university? Could Don moonlight performing his music?
I’m a worrier, too, but we both know it doesn’t solve anything, unless it gets those creative juices flowing!
Dear Claudia,
I want you to know I very much appreciate all that you share here on your blog. You have a very real voice and point of view that I look forward to reading every day.
I think that all artistic types (I include myself in that because … well that’s what I’ve been told I am) are sensitive souls, which causes us to perhaps feel things more deeply than the non-artistic types. Maybe. I know I’m a worrier. I know that prayer and gratitude can make a huge difference, but sometimes the problem lingers for many, many years and … well, it’s hard. Extremely hard. All that to say that I know how you feel and you are wide-open welcome to vent on your blog all you want, I’ll still come and read it and still feel your pain.
Mary
P.S. your flower picture is killer gorgeous!
On the Struggle… great title. I wish I could write or sing or dance or be clever or smart and artistic like you. I wish my son were alive to help raise his daughter (he died June 2002 and she is now 14 years old). He was a great dad and she needs him desperately. The only way I make it day by day is knowing that my Lord is my Saviour and He walks with me daily and blesses me mightily. We each have our trials and tribulations in this fallen world and they vary according to the season we are in along our journey. Take care and continue to share your feelings. I love your writing!
Hi Claudia. I haven’t commented lately as I have been all over the country this summer. Leaving Ohio in the morning to drive to Colorado. But had to comment,
I am 62 and almost everyone my age is struggling financially. They are all struggling. I think our generation has not had it wasy for many reasons….mostly health and financial. I can’t say much on my blog because my husband reads it and his secretary does as well. His company could close any day. He could quit any day as he hates his job. I feel bad that he has to go there everyday. He is trying to reach full retirement age since he lost all his retirement when he worked for Enron. I will say some prayers for you and Don. I am not a person that can just turn it all over to God either. I will worry like that too. I know he will help us through our struggles but feel we have to help ourselves as well. I think you are both doing all you can. I am glad that you are doing what you love to do. I find when I am not sleeping at night that I can easily take a nap during the day. Sleep helps. Do take care of yourself. Don’t give up hope. Sending you (((((HUGS))))) my friend.
Thoughts and prayers to you, Claudia.
Give Scout a big hug, and have a cup of tea and a big fat cookie or a cupcake.
You have a huge following, and we are all sending positive thoughts your way!!
Thinking of you, chris
You are right, everyone has problems. I worry about my artist daughter. She is so talented but is looking for a job in the art field. It’s scary. You have a wonderful blog and I admire you for your honesty.
I read your post tonight with a lot of sadness for the situation you and Don are in. I think it took a lot of hard thinking and courage to put it on your blog, but sometimes, as you said, it helps to get it out to put it in perspective. The comments were both heartbreaking and uplifting. I think Belinda nailed the emotional side of financial troubles, and Nancy has some valuable advice. I’m not good with advice but I have always been a good listener.
My husband and I have had our fair share of struggles. It took many years of sacrifice to have the income that would give us the means to give our kids a good education and get them through college (the youngest is finishing up her last year). I’m grateful that hubby has always been very shrewd with money and I owe all the good things we have in our lives to all the hard work and long hours he put in so I could be home with the kids. Still, we have to be vigilant if he hopes to retire soon (he’s 60).
I have to have some restrictions on my blog with what I write so as not to invade the privacy of family and friends, many whom are much more private then I am! lol! I think I have been open about my weight struggles, my sadness as we head toward an empty nest and the various aggravations in life. My blog is mostly positive for me, to keep me grateful and aware of the blessings I have in life, to not have my focus and thoughts entirely on our problems, and we have many. I’m much more open in my comments as I think they are directed toward one individual and that’s all that matters. I hope this makes sense.
I wish you and Don all the best. Not only are you both highly creative and artistic, you are well read and intelligent, I can’t help but think that you will come up with a plan to get you through these hard times.
XO,
Jane
Thank-you Claudia and thank-you all, such an outpouring of compassion. When it just seems too overwhelming and the moment in whatever form feels so hard to love ….i don’t feel confident to advise you, but for me a few moments to breathe and remember that it is the struggle that offers us the opportunity to let it be, and leap into the embrace of the unknown with a heart still open Sometimes though maybe just offer yourself an extra dose of your kindness and i need to add here is another one who has not got it all together yet either in various ways……
Well, may I say thank you to everyone because as you were speaking to Claudia, you spoke to me. THANK YOU ALL! and thank you Claudia for your honesty. It could be my life you’re describing. We’ve worked hard, been frugal and I find myself asking why..why is it fair that others have so much with what seems like so little effort (and I’m not talking possessions particularly) just being able to pay bills and have health care and transportation.and help family who needs it.
Hugs to all
Mare
Dear Claudia..I know what you mean by feeling tried of the worry over just getting by in life..that is something I struggle with and it literally just makes me feel tired..I’m sure that none of us who visit you here expect you to be cheerful all of the time..and we would rather that you be real with us than to put on a phony happy face..I wish I could give you the answers but I don’t have them..There are many people out there making lots of money and hating what they do to make it..Then there are you and Don who love what you do but don’t make enough money doing it..I guess the question is..which one would you rather be? Hugs..
Dearest Claudia,
I appreciate your honesty and think it is wonderful that you share the not-so-great parts of your life as well. I understand the worry. I was just laid off from my job a month ago because our business is closing. Grace? No, not me, not this time. I cried over everyone there….we have all been together for years. But my Dad had such faith in God and prayer that I find myself depending on that more and more. It saw Daddy through many rough spots and I’m hoping it will do the same for me. You will be in my prayers, too.
Charlene
Claudia,
Now I know I’m not the only one going through these things now. My husband was laid-off in March and has not yet found a new job. I’m scared and also waking up at night not being able to sleep and worrying about what is to come. You wil be included in my prayers tonight. Thank you for sharing your life Claudia, I feel less alone.
This may be one of the most important posts you’ve ever written and the comments I’ve read are part of it. I know you can tell by now that we all wish we could help and that we do care about this low time you’re going through. I hope you feel glad that you vented here–where better to do that! It’s a scary time. I think I’ve felt that way since 2008 when I read of so many families losing their houses. I realized for the first time how easy it would be to become homeless, without family to step in and say they wouldn’t let that happen. We are past retirement age and yet cannot retire as our family business is our retirement income other than social security. I thank God for two sons who wanted to stay in business with us and are taking so much off their father now.
As I’ve read these comments above I feel humbled for the sweet spirit of them, and some of them have been through loss of loved ones. Like many of them, it is faith that has gotten me through bad times. And I still have to sometimes tell myself: None of my immediate family is dead, in the hospital, or in jail. That makes it a # 10 day. That should make me shed any worries but naturally it doesn’t always.
I pray that better days are ahead for your and Don, that doors will open, a way will be found.
I’m glad you felt you could be honest with your blog readers and pour your heart out to us…not everyone can do that! I hope it helps to read all these loving comments and to know you’re not alone. As you know, I’m at home right now so there’s three of us living off my husband’s income. And it’s not a big one. So we live pretty frugally and manage as best as we can. Things are only going to get worse for us financially, as our son starts university in August. If Tim has to take out student loans, so be it. I try not to worry so much and just go with the flow.
And you are right – everyone has problems, struggles, and worries. They may not be financial, but could be physical or mental health problems, worries and struggles with family or friends, etc. We’ve had financial problems; we’ve had serious health problems…but our biggest worry and struggle was going through all we did with Phil and his drinking and drug problems – and then his untimely death a few years ago. There were hours, days, and weeks we just seemed to float through because we wondered how much more we could handle. Keeping in contact with loving friends and family members helps…so does taking walks to clear your mind, relaxation exercises, prayer, meditation, gardening, getting together with a friend to pour your heart out. You WILL make it through this, Claudia. This I promise. Take one day at a time and just put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, that’s all we can manage. xoxo
Claudia, I’ve been quiet here for several months because my life has been a complete “out of control” whirlwind. But I do still always check up to see what Claudia is doing, although I might be a couple days late! I don’t want “fake” in my life – I like the “real” and that is why I so enjoy your blog.
I grew up in a “worry and anxiety-filled household” and I have worked so so hard in the past few years to try to overcome what has so naturally been a part of me – a worrier. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. For me it is difficult to find that balance between just throwing up my hands and singing “que sera que sera” or spending inordinate amounts of time worrying/scheming/planning how in the world I’m going to handle my crisis situation. It truly is a balancing act.
Words/Phrases/Verses that I have written in my heart and mind get me through – probably not always gracefully – but at least through it. Some are: “Live THIS day, THIS hour, THIS minute”. “Smile through the fire”. “For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord”. “Be still”. And then you mentioned gratitude – ah yes, very important. I’ll always remember that first sentence of Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less Traveled” ….. Life is Difficult. And then I remember Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits” books….We choose our response to our situation. I’m sure this anti-worry process will be a work in progress for me for the rest of my life. Take comfort knowing that many of your blog sisters (& brothers) are with you on this one.
Oh one more thing, I started taking a Magnesium supplement called “Natural Calm”. It’s a “fizzy” drink mix that I usually take in the morning and/or night. The bottle reads “The Anti-Stress Drink”. It really has helped me this past month or so. You might want to check it out. The Sweet Lemon Flavor is yummy! Take care Claudia.
“WORRY”….is not trusting God!!!
One day at a time….one foot in front of the other….
You will be in my prayers!!!
You are loved. It’s going to be okay.
Well, you know from our phone conversations this week where I am. In a little over a week, it will be a year since my ankle accident. And still I’m struggling physically. I’ve never known how to do anything but write, and that doesn’t pay very well, as you well know. I don’t need much in life either. Just want to get the darned bills paid and food on the table. But that is hard these days. I’m right there with ya, and always your friend.
Brenda
Hi Claudia,
Haven’t blogged in almost a week as we’ve been working hard on the vegetable garden (right now, a main source of our food supply!) and generally doing chores around the house. I can more than sympathize with you and your financial struggles. After all, my husband, who is a contractor, was among the hardest hit here in Greece since 2008, when the economic crisis hit. When a country is experiencing a financial crisis, the building trade and all jobs associated with it, are the first to experience hardship. At this very moment, only 10,000 structures are being built around the country, as opposed to 150,000!!! in 2005, just to give you an idea. My only child had to leave Greece to find work and a better future in Canada and I miss her SO much, you can’t imagine! But, I consider myself lucky that she is a Canadian citizen and has the opportunities that she does. Still, it’s been difficult. Those moments you referred to in the middle of the night, for me, stretch into hours and hours of sleeplessness and worry about our finances, not being able to spend each day with my daughter, having spent half of my life away from my parents and two siblings, whether we’ll be able to keep our house, good friends who are also leaving the country for financial reasons, and the list goes on….You are the norm and not the exception, as far as worrying and going through financial struggles, is concerned. BUT, you have a soul mate, it seems in Don, and for that you are, perhaps, the exception!:)
Your flower photos made me smile, as I’m sure they did the same for you. You are blessed with a great writing voice and all the benefits that come with that, namely, your faithful readers.
Hope you have a happy, albeit, rainy and grey, weekend – I would LOVE some rain here right now!
Poppy
I think we all know to some degree what it’s like to feel like we are drowning in all of the issues in our life, and for some, it is much worse than others. Life is messy, and that is not going to change. Despite the mess, you are living your life as your authentic self. You could have chose to stay in the cooperate world, made a lot of money, and have your bills paid on time but at what cost? Chances are you wouldn’t have the time to work in the garden you love, or love and appreciate your sweet dogs. What about your blog? You have friends all over this country.
I know that bills suck and car problems with no money suck. It’s frustrating to not be able to afford some of the little things that others seem to buy with no problem . But really Claudia they are probably not half the person you are. You live with love and are surrounded by the things you love. Most of all you are appreciative of all you have.
From my point of view you live a charmed life.
I guess we all have our worries..Certainly to different degrees..One day at a time..Things seem to work out somehow..You two seem to live a great life even though you are apart a lot…but you seem to be able to do the things you love doing..I know that you are grateful for what you have,.,
Claudia, you so much said what I have been thinking and feeling so much lately myself. My husbands 3rd generation business is about to go under. He has not brought a check home in 2 years. My job as a RN has always been stable but with Obama Care, management is freaking out, making us work extremely short and take unscheduled days off. I worry about buying groceries now?! How can that be. I wish it was like our parents generation, you worked hard, stayed at a job and you were rewarded with a stable job and a income enough to put a roof over your head and food on the table. Bless you….
Hi Claudia,
Sometimes, even though we know how truly fortunate we are, in the grand scheme of things, most of us at one time or another experience discouragement. When those times happen to me, I find it helpful to then withdraw a bit. I create space around myself. I take a break from external cultural things that are all about “things”. I think the greatest luxuries in life are time and space, and freedom from debt. Especially these days when so many outside sources are telling us what we need to be happy, and so much of it is about filling up time, space and a sort of emptiness inside, an emptiness that things will never permanently fill.. So much of life is about making choices. Either, or…..not all, like we’ve been conditioned to think in these times. I think I have been very fortunate to have grown up within a family whose older folks were truly poor financially when they were growing up. They taught me a lot about what is truly important, and about making dreams come true. I know that as long as I have my health, I can work hard.. I have a lot of friends who are artists. All of those folks have taught me that sometimes we have to make hard choices, do without, or sometimes work at part time jobs in addition to our other jobs to make ends meet, or to make our dreams come true. I know a lot of people who worked really hard at jobs they didn’t consider their vocation, to earn enough during short periods of time, to finance lives that felt more true to their hopes and dreams later on. A job doesn’t necessarily define who we are. It is how hard we work at doing the best life we can that makes a difference. It is what we are working for, that makes a difference. My husband works really hard, at a blue collar job. He likes his job, but it isn’t who he is. It provides for the rest of his life, and our family. We have such a good life. We can survive most anything, as long as we have those we love.
You are strong, talented and so loving. Everything will be fine in the long run.
Take care.
Lots of love to you today, my friend.
xo
Gracias Claudia por ser tan honesta en este post , siento mucho estos momentos por los que usted está pasando . Sé lo que es sufrir desde una edad muy joven ya que perdí a mis padres siendo una adolescente , pero todo se supera . Sobre todo cuando hay mucho amor alrededor y usted lo tiene ! Tiene una familia que la arropa y usted misma es tan maravillosa ! Nos pide una idea y yo le voy a dar dos , la primera me la da siempre mi marido cuando tengo un problema y es mira para esos que estan sufriendo mucho más que tú y piensa que tu problema puede ser una tontería comparado con el de ellos . Y el segundo es hacer más ejercicio físico , yo corro todos los días y ya por la noche logro dormir sin despertarme con ninguna preocupación ! Ya sabe que por el día los problemas se ven distintos a por las noches . Estos años de crisis financiera nos afectan a todos pero no podemos dejar que ellos nos arruinen nuestra maravillosa vida . Usted me hace tener ilusión por un mundo mejor , no me defraude y tire para adelante ! Su blog es maravilloso y su vida también !
As always your post and the comments that follow are filled with wisdom, love, and care.
I started to think about what it would take to downsize or move — it filled me with panic. I thought about all the things that I have stored away in the nooks and crannies of my home. The things that have been well loved — but no longer are displayed. My panic went up a few notches at the thought of moving all that stuff. So, I started the worlds slowest downsizing by selling the items online and donating. When I researched — I was amazed at the value of the items that I had stuffed in boxes and crammed in the attic. It has been a relief in many ways. The people who have purchased things have been lovely — so happy to find things that remind them of their childhood. It has given me a small reserve of money for things like car repair. Clearing out my storage space has also cleared my mind a bit — which had been a stress or worry that I did not realize was there. Researching the items has been fascinating — filled my mind with good thoughts has left a little less room for worry.
My thoughts are with you. Thanks again for putting your thoughts out there and sharing.
Thank you so much for being so real and vulnerable. It is refreshing. I go through these worries day in and day out and often feel alone. But when I read your post, I stopped feeling so alone. The one thing that helps me is to try to stay in the present moment. Much love, Heather
You are so thoughtful and insightful, Claudia. I don’t know why we have hard times. We do learn from them, but they sure aren’t fun to go through. And as you say, if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. I’m keeping good thoughts that your rough patch will pass SOON! XO