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Our Girl

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Two years ago today, we lost our little girl.

There’s not a day I don’t miss her or long to hear her. She had quite the variety of sounds. She was really human, you know.

She was smart as a whip, funny (she truly did have a sense of humor), loving, mischievous, demanding, adventurous, and adorable. Within a day of rescuing her, she crawled under my legs as I was sitting in a chair and stayed there until I got up. And she never stopped doing that for the 16 years we were blessed with her presence in our family. I called it “The Tunnel.” She felt safe in the tunnel. I felt safe when she was in the tunnel.

I’ve been thinking about the tunnel lately, remembering the feel of her body under my legs, remembering the way she would look up at me with those big green eyes. It was our morning ritual: let Scout out, pour my coffee, take it down the two steps to the den with Scout following me, sit down and wait for Scout to nestle her way into the tunnel, which she promptly did.

I miss Winston. I miss Riley. I miss every animal it has been my honor to protect and love. Scoutie was with us the longest. She was 17 years and one month old when she passed away. And since that day, for the first time in our 24 years together, we have not had a dog in the house.

That smile. The rescue group had named her Smiley. You can see why.

Right after we brought her home from surgery. Eyes dilated, a little buzzed, but happy to be home.

I have thousands of pictures of her because she was incredibly photogenic.

Those eyes. They looked into your soul.

She was a magical being. She was our magic dog.

This is the wallpaper on my phone.

In the tunnel. And there’s our boy, Riley. She outlived her brothers. She loved them dearly.

On the day she died, I wrote this message on our chalkboard. And Don wouldn’t let me erase it until today.

Two weeks before we lost her, I came home for 24 hours. I was working in Hartford. She walked unsteadily to the top step of the den and I picked her up and carried her to a place on the rug near my chair. She sat there and fixed her eyes on me. Unblinking. The stare was so intense that I knew she was trying to communicate something very important. I knew what she was trying to say or at the very least, I had a sense of it, but I had to leave for Hartford and I wasn’t quite ready.

When I came back two weeks later and saw her, I told Don that it was time. And, I realized, it had been time two weeks before when she looked into my eyes and asked me to let her go. I’m haunted by that to this day. I failed her in that moment. She had to go on for two more weeks before I saw the light. I have asked her forgiveness many times. And I will continue to ask her forgiveness.

Oh, Scoutie, how we miss you, sweet girl. You and your brothers are playing together somewhere, I know it.

And maybe, just maybe, you still go in the tunnel.

Happy Thursday.

Comments

  1. beautiful tribute to your beautiful baby girl. love the photos, especially of scout frolicking outside and then looking up at you from the tunnel. :)

    i know those feelings … missing furry children who have gone to the great beyond, feeling guilty that i missed signs … but without having met scout or you, i know without a doubt that your scout is saying there’s nothing to forgive, that she knows you did your best and helped her every day. every day. that your love and tunnel continue and she, riley and winston will see you in that great beyond. that’s what love and faith do. :)

    on this extra-tender day, hope you do something extra-nice for yourself.

    thanks for sharing.

    kathy in iowa

  2. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. I’ve held onto pets longer than I should have, only recognizing later that I was thinking of me and not them. Then I remember the love and comfort we gave each other and realize that sometimes they hold on longer because they don’t want to go. I talked to my vet about this recently as our dog Lola has dementia. I wanted to know if it was time to let her go. She said, based on her exam, that it could be any time now. We talked about quality of life and everything that factors into that. The most important thing she said was for me to be kind to myself as I try to make the decision because it’s such a hard one to make. The bottom line is, if you hold on longer than you should, the pet will still know it’s loved and will be comforted by that. So for now we’re holding on and hoping to have the wisdom to know when to let her go. Scout knew she was deeply loved by you and Don. She knows you did the very best you could for her.

    • It’s such a hard decision but I know you will make it with love when the time comes, Laura. Thank you for your kind words.

  3. Ok, I just had a nice little cry! Lovely story about you and Scout. Claudia I bet she has forgiven you over and over, and would leap back in your arms in a second. She knew you loved her, and that you did your best.

    You have a wonderful day! I am sitting here with my aging Yorkies knowing they will be my last dogs. We love them dearly, Becky in Sunny (today) OK

    • We will have another dog someday. But it’s not the right time yet. Nevertheless, I miss the presence of a dog in the house so much. It’s very quiet here.

  4. Claudia, I think I understand how you feel. I miss my Molly every day. I always felt that there was a “person”( for lack of a better word) behind her eyes. I mourned deeply when I lost her. I have a new friend now, Annie. She is just as loving and gentle as Molly was but she has her own unique personality too.
    Enjoy today as a day to remember Scout and all the love she brought to your life.

  5. Yes…the love we have with and for our animals, is precious indeed…and everlasting I believe. That was a beautiful tribute to your beautiful girl. I love the ritual of the tunnel…a special memory indeed. Take the day…enjoy the memories. ;)

  6. As I read your remembrance of Scout, I think of my Charlie also. We lost them days apart and were hurting so much but time has eased that a little bit. I too felt like I held on to Charlie a bit too long but I know he understood. After the death of my brother I needed a few weeks before I could handle losing Charlie. Scout knew you needed a bit more time. Scout was such a special dog and we all fell in love with her from your blog. I send you much love and many hugs my friend.

    • I confess, I don’t know what these symbols mean, so next time, could you put it in words? Thanks so much, Monica.

        • Thank you, Monica. (I will freely admit my ignorance as to what those symbols mean! Sometimes I have to look them up.)

  9. A beautiful tribute to Scout and I understand your feelings completely. My thoughts and prayers are with you today.

  10. Claudia your words hit me hard. Having to give away my two cats after my husband died and losing 4 of my daughter’s cats in a fire 17 months ago I understand your feelings. Scout was well loved. your pics say it all. xoxo

    • I remember those losses, April. They are so painful and always there, just below the surface. Thinking of you and your daughter, as well.

  11. She WAS magic. Every one of our many cats we had over 40 years, we had a hard time knowing when to let them go. After every release, we would say, “Let’s let the next one go sooner.” And when the next one got to that point, we held on too long. It’s so hard to know. She gave you “the look” but she loved you and forgave you . You were going through so much, having had lost your mother earlier and facing your dad’s decline. Unlike humans, we can make that call on when life ends for our pet children. And then that being said, it’s the hardest call to make. We ran into a couple our age the other day and the woman fell in love with Petey. She was weeping and holding him, having lost her beloved poodle, Benji, the year before. She thought Petey was the reincarnation of Benji and wanted to buy him from us. Of course, that wasn’t to going to happen. She held him for an hour and was unable to let him go. Her husband said that because she had mourned so much for their dog, they could never have another because she couldn’t deal with another death. How sad. Never to love again. Scout loves you now and forever.

    • Not that you do or should remember, dear Tina, but my dad had just died a few months earlier, in October. So we were dealing with that loss and the loss of my mom and I remember praying that Scout would hang on a bit. And she did. But all those losses so close together really knocked me for a loop.

      That poor woman. She was so grief stricken that she wanted desperately to have Petey be the reincarnation of her dog. Heart breaks for her. xo

  13. Oh, Claudia. I cried with you that day and now again today. We have lost too many dear and loving fur members of our family over 45 years of marriage. We remember each and every one of them and talk about them frequently. And it is always with joy. I picture sweet Scout with her beautiful black-fur heart in a tunnel under your mom and dad and brother. With her two brothers very close by. Remember that they are with you forever and always. ♡

    • Today is a sad one for me, but we are getting to point where we can share memories of Scout and remember her joyfully. Thank you for your lovely words, Chris.

  14. Such a beautiful post. Reminds me of my sweet buddies I have had to say goodbye to and my sweetheart who is still with us. Scout is a gorgeous girl. She still goes into the tunnel, of this I am certain.

  15. Animals are so pure. That purity makes them magical beings, and when they decide to share their lives with us, we are made better. Don’t beat yourself up, Claudia. Scout knew you weren’t ready yet, and I’m 100% sure she forgave you a long time ago.

    I am also haunted, by the death of my third cat. I had a “Sophie’s choice”, and I had to choose to be with my Dad, who, though still living today, was in a bad transitional time in his elderly life. Mom needed my help and I had to stay with them for a week. In that week, my daughter was with our beloved Sienna, who died in the vet hospital where my daughter had taken her. The vet couldnt keep her alive long enough for my daughter to see her one last time. I have feelings of guilt that Sienna didn’t understand why her humans weren’t with her. We are immensely sad that we didn’t get to be with her as she set off to cross that bridge to be with her feline sisters.

    Why is it that animals can worm their way into a human’s heart? I’m glad that I’m one of those humans who can be touched by an animal. I’m glad you are too, Claudia.

    • They are pure. And their love and devotion to us is also pure and selfless.

      I’m sorry about your sweet Sienna. I understand your feelings of guilt, but she knew she was loved, my friend.

      You know, I don’t think I could be anything but an acquaintance to anyone who couldn’t be touched by an animal. That tells me all I need to know about them.

      • You’re right, Claudia. I truly think those who aren’t able to be touched by an animal have hardened souls. You have mighty devoted animal lovers among your blog readers.

        On a related note, my younger daughter loves to “bound”, to dress inspired by something or someone. This week, she bounded as each of the cats with whom we’ve had the privilege to share our household, from dressing in all black with a red bracelet for our black cat Bagheera and his collar, to black and white for each of our two tuxedos, to a striped brown top with different colored leggings each day for our brown tabbies, each with different colored noses, pink, brown and russet!

  16. Totally agree with Wendy. Scout understood. I don’t think she was ASKING you to let her go. I think she was GIVING you permission. She was saying “It’s OK, Mom. I’m ready when you are…” Give yourself a break – & think instead about that Dr Seuss line [which always comes to me in moments of loss – anyone’s loss]: “Don’t cry because it’s over. SMILE – because it happened…” Feel better my friend. Peace.

    #Resist
    #ProtectMueller

    • to janet in rochester …

      that our loved ones aren’t, at such a tough time, asking for permission to go, but are instead giving us that permission and saying, “it’ll be alright … i’m ready” … brought me to tears and helps me a lot. thank you.

      to claudia and everyone here …

      sorry if my reading your comments to each other is like eavesdropping, but your words all help, too.

      may God bless you all with peace and whatever else you need.

      kathy in iowa

      • Hi Kathy! Well, it may not be for me to say, but I know I always read everyone else’s comments too – and have often wanted to reply to other readers – in addition to Claudia of course. And sometimes I do. I’ve never felt like it was eavesdropping because Claudia makes it seem like we’re a group of friends sitting around a big round virtual kitchen table, having coffee & chatting. Thanks for your comment – it was very kind. May the Force be with you! 💛

        • yes, claudia does that … very well!

          thanks, janet in rochester.

          hope everyone has a great weekend ahead!

          kathy in iowa

        • I do that as well, Thank You Janet in R, and Kathy in I, You gave me a chance to calm myself with “May the force be with You.” Because sitting at the front desk of a
          big office building with tears streaming down my face,not my best look! and you two sweet gals,and our girl Claudia. Gave me a chance to smile.I Love (y)our group too Claudia.
          Claudia Dear, all is well you have only to forgive yourself. Love Ya, Judy A

      • Never like eavesdropping! I like to think we have a community here and you are welcome and encouraged to read everyone’s comments.

        • thanks, claudia!

          ps: two hours ago, when they first became available, i bought tickets for my sister and me to hear jimmy at wrigley field again in july … woo hoo!

          kathy in iowa

  17. Oh, Claudia, your eulogy was so touching I was weeping by the end. I, too, have had many pets these past 50 years that have gone on to doggy heaven, at least it makes me feel better thinking that’s where they are. They all were precious and hold a special place in my heart. We now have 2 dogs and 2 cats that keep us feeling loved. They were all rescued either from the wild or the shelter.

    • Bless you for rescuing them, Susan. I’m a strong proponent of rescue. All of our dogs were rescued. xo

  18. I think those of my friends who do not have animals in their lives find it strange that I list my dog’s departure days every year on my large calendar. Right up there with the dates of my mom and dad. They’ll never completely understand and that’s Ok. But it’s sad to me that they will never completely understand. Such a loss to them. For I had so much joy and love before the loss.

    • It’s okay, but it is indeed sad. Such a profound experience that they’ve not allowed themselves.

      I know you understand, Z. Thank you.

  19. Claudia, Scout knew. She just knew.
    Our cat Boo went over the bridge between Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was such a cat it is hard to describe her/. She was whatever you needed her to be on any given day. A clown? Got it! Need some love? No problem! Need to be left alone? No chance at all!
    I miss her, and I believe that she is the one I will miss the most always. She is the one I will tell all the new kitties about. She was that oh so very special animal who steals the biggest part of your heart. Like Scout.

    • I’m sorry about your Boo, Trudy.

      There does seem to be one pet who is just a little extra special. Boo was one and Scout was, too. Thank you.

    • Yes. I’m thinking of you, dear Judy, because I know you’re going through the same thing. xo

  23. I’ve, too, missed the signals of when it was ‘time’ and I’ll beat myself up over it but then try to remember all the times I did better with our dogs.

    Doing a lot of consoling this week for my cousin who lost his doxie a few days ago – – aged and ailing, sweetest little angel; not only is HE grieving for her, but so is her companion dog, who just seems ‘lost’ without his doggie girl-friend.

    And I dread the day when we no longer have a dog for the first time in our nearly 30-year marriage; it’s coming; my remaining dog is now elderly.

    So, I feel for you, Claudia. It’s hard, what you’re going through.

    It would be difficult to fit a dog into your life, last year and this one so far; maybe a future day will come when the fit will be better. You know this, of course, but it doesn’t take away the yearning for a pet, or the sadness over ones lost.

    Readers here felt like we knew Scout; your photos and descriptive love for her were fun and heartwarming. She was our Snow Princess.

    Your dogs are lucky to be remembered with so much love from you and Don. And, in the short time they were here, they took care of you as you did them. It’s a wonderful circle of love that I wish all people could know.

    One dog lover to another, sending you comforting thoughts and a hug today.

    • It’s not the time yet for us to get another dog. We know that. But after a life together that including our children – our dogs – to have it so empty and quiet is difficult.

      Thank you for your kind words.

  24. Dear Claudia,
    My heart breaks for you and Don to miss your sweet pee so much.
    I know the heart crushing grief, and reading your story I was filled with a huge amount of empathy, sympathy, as well as my own grief at losing my faithful Boy, Indy. Like your baby, my boy tried to tell me a few weeks earlier. By the way, what a beautiful sweetie you had.
    Love love love, Katheryn

  25. Scout was a beautiful girl, and I always loved your posts about her. And I miss posts about her even after two years. Your readers who have gone through a fur baby’s loss understand. It is devastating to lose them. I am thinking about you today.

    • I miss posting about her. I miss taking her picture. So much of my life was about Scoutie. Thank you, Dottie.

  26. it’s a good thing I can type for I cannot see the keys nor even the screen that well through my tears.
    the pictures of her are so wonderful. and that she lived 17 years is remarkable.
    what a little treasure she was.
    it is the hardest hard there is for those of us with no human children. for they ARE our children.
    and losing them is no less a loss. it’s a huge loss.
    my Zeke. we all have names. and the hollows in our hearts that each one left in our lives.
    they each have their own special place. the tunnel.
    bless you darling girl. xo♥

  27. I know how you feel. It’s hard to let them go. I have experienced this with dogs and cats. Waiting even though you know it’s time to take the step of them crossing over the rainbow bridge. They will all be waiting for us when we cross over the “rainbow bridge”. ❤️🐾🐶😻

      • This has made me long for my Cassie. She was my rescue a few years ago. Though we have 2 new rescues and one from Afghanistan. She was my special one. Jojo, the one from Afghanistan, is special and Reggie from a local Virginia shelter is also great. But KaKa was the one. Though we aren’t suppose to have favorites with children and I suppose dogs I still have her in my heart as most special. Ugh.

        • I know we’re not supposed to have favorites but some of them just worm their way into the deepest part of our hearts.

  28. Scout was a beautiful dog. It is heart breaking to lose a pet. Pets become part of the family. When we were little we had parakeets. When they died we cried and our father buried them in the back yard where we lived at the time.
    Marilyn

  29. Claudia,
    Sending you Love…
    Claudia, i am just home from the vet and drenched in tears and exhaustion ..it is all so raw
    as Blitz made that transition this afternoon.
    Blessings

    • Oh, Grace! I’m so, so sorry! My thoughts are with you at this time. I know how hard it is. That you took the time to leave a comment on this day of all days, amazes me. I’m sure we’re all thinking of you, dear Grace.

      • i saw your post earlier (somehow never saw this coming even though i did)
        on ig and felt sort of stunned at the timing,and knew i had to find you before bed..now …just crying and crying…thank-you for your graciousness and true understanding..

        • I do understand. It’s devastating. Thinking of you – and feel free to share your feelings here if it helps. This community understands, as well.

          • Thank-you Claudia,for being here,for your beautiful and generous heart,beyond kindness,there is knowing..as you do.
            Your tribute to Scout is beautiful and magical and bathed in love,
            and that connection is as true and wondrous as ever.
            Thank-you and Love to all of you,here and there and all around

              • One more huge thank-you before i pull it together for an opening shift tomorrow. It has been especially challenging because my son (Blitz being my Granddog) has been away working 12 hour days since Christmas and crying his heart out while managing this between times. I cannot wait to hold him close. We know how blessed we are beneath the heartache, in appreciating such a beautiful bond, many thanks and much Love Claudia

    • to grace …

      i am sorry for your loss. sending you a hug and will pray you find comfort and peace …

      kathy in iowa

      • Thank-you Kathy,
        for reaching out and helping me in the midst of this sorrow,
        sending you a hug and peace in every way as well
        Thank you so much,with Love

  30. Such a wonderful tribute. I feel like I know your Scout after reading this. We’ve lost a dog and two cats and it’s always hard. They take a little piece of your heart with them.

  32. As I have said before…I miss Scout too…her big happy smiles…her pounces…her happiness when walking on her leash especially in the park when she got to go to Hartford with you…Thanks again for all of the wonderful times you shared her with us!…hugs

  33. I’ve often said and thought if a person doesn’t like or love animals they just have no soul. Animals are the most amazing beings and I would never want to exist without them.

    I know you miss your Scout. We lost our Mister just a few months before Scout. He was our second baby to lose. We had to make that horrible decision with them both. So hard.

    After 20 months Winston walked into our lives. Literally. He is the light of our lives. Pure joy. Pure love. A pure blessing.

    Sending you hugs and prayers.

  34. I love her. And I know exactly how hard it was to let her go. And how thinking of her is happy and sad at the same time.

    But the important thing is that she knew you loved her, and she loved you right back. That’s what living is about.

    Take care. God bless Scout and all of you here and there. xo

    • She blessed us with her presence. She taught me so much. I’ll never forget her. Thank you, Bridget.

  35. What a beautiful memory of Scout, how beautiful she was and one can really see her love for you in her eyes. How lucky she was that she had you and she probably was thankful for everything you have done for her. Sending you lots of hugs…

  36. I Loved what a friend said at the time my girl passed (although she happened to be the human kind,) He said” as time passes the memories sweeten”. That to me is a Tender Mercy, from a very kind God. Judy A-

    Sorry, I’m late chiming in, but no computer yesterday.

    • Tender Mercy is one of my favorite phrases from the Bible. It says it all.

      Thanks so much, Judy.

  37. Thinking about Scout still makes me cry. I miss her so much and I never met her. I was always a cat person but reading your blog and meeting Riley and Scout and then losing them…..well it influenced me to eventually adapt a dog. My baby, Luke who is a golden retriever.

    Then I met and fell in love with a man who had rescued a black lab. They became brothers and friends. Then our Maggie came along. A Boston retriever and chihuahua mix with an unfortunate underbite. She was rescued from certain death in a shelter in Texas and brought to Canada. We were fostering her. It quickly became clear that she would never be adopted so we decided to keep her. She loves her new home. Three dogs and three cats in our menagerie.

    I don’t know how I’d be able to live without them so I can imagine your pain. All my love to you two.

    • Julie, I remember us talking about trusting and letting go of wanting a relationship and then you allow the space for it to happen. It sounds like it has indeed happened in your life and I’m so happy to hear that! Wonderful news. And bless you for giving a home to animals in need. Rescuing is so important.

      Thanks you for your kind words, my friend.

  38. My young adult daughter who is bi-polar had a brilliant german shepard that was attached to her hip and the most well trained dog I ever knew. He got cancer on his leg that required him to visit the vet 3 times a week for laser treatment. He would walk into the vet’s office and just assume the position for treatment. Every body knew that dog and loved him because he was so special and so smart. When we realized that the treatment would not save him, my daughter babied him even more until one day she said “Mom, I looked into his eyes and he is telling me he is ready”. Because of her bi-polar I was terrified of what losing him would do to her. We took him to the vet and his passing was peaceful yet heart breaking. I cried, the vet tech cried, the receptionist cried and even our vet cried. My daughter did not cry because she did not want to upset him as he was in tune with her every mood and feeling. After we came home, she cried for a year. As with all of our pets, she has always been the strong one for insuring quality of life while I want to hang on forever. I honestly don’t know how she does it but I am grateful she can always, always put the animals first .

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