Eighteen years ago this week, a mere two months before I met Don for the first time, one of my students was murdered. He had finished the graduate acting program, had done his final thesis performance (where he had an enormous breakthrough and gave a stunning performance) and was ready to go out into the world. Classes had ended. On Friday, he stopped by the office shared by my friend Rick (the head of the grad program) and me and we all went out to an impromptu lunch. John was warm and funny and smart and a wonderful guy. He was sort of the class clown and I could never be angry with him because he always made me laugh. (When you teach students in a training program such as the ones I worked in, you see them in class, on stage, you coach them, you spend hours with them and you get to know them very well.) The lunch was a delight. On the way back to the office, we stopped at a memorial rose garden – dedicated to a student that had been murdered several years before. We read a quote etched into a stone and felt sadness at a life ended so young.
Very early the following Monday morning, I got a call from Rick. I was barely awake. He told me that John had been murdered the previous evening. He and his girlfriend, a classmate, had been walking out of Balboa Park after a closing night performance when a truck pulled alongside of them and shots rang out. Both of them were hit. As his girlfriend (who was shot in the leg) struggled to get to him he said “I think I’m dying.” And he died.
I’ve lost many people in my life. And I lost several when I was quite young. I was no stranger to grief. But this, this was beyond grief. This was despair, anger, sadness, rage and an overwhelming “Why?” His parents had just been in San Diego to see his thesis performance. A more wonderful, supportive family you could not find. They had seen him triumph and then a few short days later, they got a phone call in the middle of the night. He was gone.
We all flew to Kansas for his funeral. I’ve truly never been through anything as difficult. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried so much in my life. Three years earlier, I’d lost my brother and that was devastating and heartbreaking, but he’d been sick and I knew that day might come. I’d had a chance to prepare. John, on the other hand, was here with us, full of life, one minute and gone the next. He was 24.
The murderers were caught. Three people. A guy in his twenties who was already a two time offender (under California’s Three Strikes law), another guy who was 18 or 19, also a two time offender and a girl of seventeen. The shooter? The girl. They tried to claim that it was a robbery gone wrong, but John’s girlfriend confirmed that words were never exchanged. They simply slowed to a stop and the girl fired the gun. Why? Because they dared each other. And they had easy access to handguns. I was already an advocate of gun control, but you can bet I became even more so after John’s murder. There’s no sitting on the fence on that issue when it becomes personal and the handgun has killed someone you know and love.
That summer I spent a great deal of time at the murder trial. We all took turns sitting with John’s mother, giving our support. I looked at that girl and I felt such anger, such rage. How dare she snuff out his life? How dare she take our John away from us? I wanted to slap her, punch her, shake her and yes, hurt her. And I was struck by what a waste it all was. The two males were going to jail for the rest of their life because they had committed their third strike with this act – they were accessories and, therefore, equally culpable. The girl – who wasn’t even of legal age – would be spending the rest of her life in prison. One of the best young men I have ever known was dead. His girlfriend was injured, not just physically, but emotionally. And all for what? A dare?
I will never make sense of it.
I miss him all the time, but this time of year is always bittersweet. I can’t believe it’s been 18 years. And true to life’s highs and lows, you can go through the worst thing ever and think you will never feel joy again and a few months later meet the love of your life. So when I remember that Don and I will be celebrating 18 years together this July, I am also reminded that John has been gone from us for 18 years.
The small theater that the MFA students perform in on campus is dedicated to John. His family came out to San Diego for the dedication. I’m so grateful to have known him. I continue to mourn for him. We lost a wonderful guy who would have contributed much to the world on that May day.
Though I helped Rick write John’s eulogy, I’ve never written about it before. This year, I felt the need to.
Thanks for listening.
It is good that you have been able to write this powerful piece in memory of a wonderful man named John. I’m sure you found it helped you by releasing many years of pent up emotional stress regarding such a senseless death. We always wonder what a person would have become, or done in life, when they are taken from us far to early……….that is the big question mark. I know you must have been a blessing to his family in their time of grief.
I’m with you on the gun issue – sadly though here it is 18 years later and nothing has changed, perhaps even worsened.
Meanwhile dear Claudia – thankfully you’ve had Don for these 18 years – a blessing for sure.
Happy day – hope all is going well this week.
Hugs – Mary
Claudia, That is a wonderful tribute to your friend. So sorry you lost him. xo, Susie
My heart is just breaking for you, Claudia. How sad that you have lived with just memories all these years. This is a wonderful tribute and I hope you feel some relief getting it out. I will be thinking of you today.
XO,
Jane
John must have been a special person. So much to live for. I don’t understand why someone thinks they have the right to take someone’s life for no reason. There are way too many guns in the wrong hands…..
Happy Anniversary. Glad you have a good memory to celebrate.
((((((HUGS)))))
Oh Claudia… I am so sad for your loss. His death was so devastating … so senseless. Sending thoughts and hopes for comfort and healing as you remember and honor your dear friend this month.
Big hugs,
Jill
What a gut-wrenching post. I know it took courage to just put words to what you were/are feeling. There are so many senseless acts of violence that forever alter the lives of those around us. How truly awful!
My niece was killed on the night of July 4th 20 years ago and her body was dumped in the river. She left behind 3 small children and her murderer was never found. Unless you have been touched by this type of tragedy you cannot truly appreciate the full impact it has on one’s life.
Heartfelt blessings to you today- xo Diana
A wonderful tribute Claudia ~ his story needed to be told, as a way of celebrating his life. So glad you did. xo
Claudia, this is a lovely tribute to your friend, your loved one, your loss.
My tears are of sadness and of frustration for the state of our world and the future my young adult children have ahead of them. No Ozzie and Harriet for them. This world in all it’s wonder and beauty, seems to have lost it’s moral compass, and I’m not speaking of the ‘right” just of human morality, decency, fairness, kindness, tolerance…..
I try to hold onto hope but there are so many small holes where I’ve clutched it in fear and desperation…
I will hold you in my thoughts today and remember this young man who meant so much to you, thus keeping his memory alive.
You gave me goosebumps with this story. It’s so tragic and senseless. I hope those 3 are still rotting away in jail. Please tell me there is no chance of parole for them. You did John a wonderful service today by sharing his memory with us. He obviously touched your life forever.
Dear Claudia,
how tragic, and how sad,how can such things happen? How can it be so easy for kids to buy hand guns, I wonder…I understand your sorrow, that will alwayes be there, the anger,and tears- all brought together with the joy when meeting Don not long after.
Dear Claudia HUGS.
Dorthe
You didn’t mention if they were gang members. Sounds like an initiation. Regardless, such a tragedy–young lives destroyed and one lost.
Sharing this story with us is a great tribute to John, and all the people thinking about him today will make his star shine brighter. Dealing with not only the grief about his senseless death, but the anger towards the perpetrators must have had such an impact on all who knew and loved him. I will light a candle in John’s memory today.
Such a tragedy and I can tell it hurt you deeply. I am glad you have been able to write about it and share this wonderful life lost too soon.
What a terrible tragedy, what an unnecessary death. I feel blessed to live in a society where guns are the province of sportsmen and some but not all criminals and even our police mostly go unarmed apart from their truncheons.
So often sharing stories of great sadness is cathartic, I so hope this beautiful tribute to John brings you some additional peace Claudia
Sometimes the heart just needs to express what has been kept locked away, Claudia. I hope you will continue to feel blessed by having known this man who will be forever young and full of promise in your memory.
What a sad story. It is just heartbreaking to read of such terrible tragedies. I’ve lost a few students over the years in tragic ways. I doubt those who don’t teach understand the depth of such grief and sense of loss that a teacher feels over the loss of beloved student.
I’m so sorry. I hope this retelling gets you further down the road toward peace.
What a horrendous and senseless crime. It was a terrible loss for you and your pain is still coming through. I hope that sharing this will ease the pain somewhat.
Hugs,
Laura
Claudia, What a sad story and a senseless loss of a brilliant life!
I hope writhing this give you comfort!
At a party where drugs and alcohol were flowing freely, someone dared a 19 yr. old to get an illegal gun. An hour later he showed up with a sawed off shotgun and minutes later my nephew was dead. Everyone had a different story and the 29 yr. old went to jail for 2 yrs. The only thing I know for sure is that it was senseless and we will never recover completely. What if he could not get that gun? ~ Maureen
And how odd that you’d stopped at that memorial that day with your friend that got murdered soon after. How strange and coincidental is that? I’m sorry, Claudia. We both wrote about murder or suicide this week. I think we are kindred spirits.
Brenda
Claudia – thank you for sharing your memories of John with us. RIP
Claudia, I am weeping after reading this. I am weeping with your sorrow and with your joy in Don.
I have felt this kind of tragic loss, and it is forever heartbreaking.
Love to you from me, dear friend.♥