Seven weeks ago, we had to say goodbye to Riley, our sweet dog. Someone suggested in one of the many, many loving comments I received that I should write a tribute post. Here goes.
About two years after we moved out east, Winston, the first dog that Don and I adopted, suddenly became ill. Our hearts broke as we found out he had a tumor on his heart. Five days later he was gone. He had been in great pain for those five days and we could no longer bear to see him suffer. Scout, a very social dog, was left without a friend. Our grief over the loss of Winston was so deep that we couldn’t even consider adopting another dog for a long time. In the meantime, we nurtured our girl, Scout.
But, as often happens, a space in our hearts was being created for another member of our family. Slowly but surely, I started looking at animal rescue sites online. After some time, I saw a dog that looked like he might be a candidate on Petfinder. My email was answered. He had been adopted but might I want to see another dog, photo attached, named Laddie? He had been found wandering the streets of Paterson, NJ.
He looked awfully handsome. Don and I decided to go see him. He was being cared for at, get this, The Rockland Psychiatric Center. This facility had several rescued dogs on site, where they were cared for and nurtured by the patients at the center. “Laddie” was brought to us. I noticed right away that he didn’t meet our eyes and I knew that was a potential problem. But he was sweet and we were enamored. We took him for the weekend on a trial basis. Of course, once we had him home, there could be no more ‘trial basis.’
The first night he was with us, he wandered into the office while we were sleeping and ate a bunch of my yarn.
We quickly learned that Riley had no social skills at all. He didn’t know how to interact with us or with Scout. He didn’t know how to hold his poop until it was time for a walk or time to go outside. We spent hours that icy January walking and walking him hoping that this might be the time it ‘clicked’ for him. We knew we could count on Scout to handle the dog socialization. She gradually taught him how to play with another dog.
I was working part-time at a veterinary office at the time. When I found out that rescues were only given vaccines and not a heartworm test, I brought him to work. I figured I should at least get him tested.
He tested positive. We were shocked and worried. If you’ve ever had a dog treated for heartworm, you know that during the course of treatment, the dog has to be kept quiet; no jumping or running around. Since the worms are in the heart, any excess activity could cause a blood clot to be thrown into the lungs. So we made sure one of us was always with him. We had to curb Scout’s natural playful tendencies. We had his youth (he was estimated to be two years old) on our side. He came through the treatment successfully.
Gradually we established some trust. He had abandonment issues and separation anxiety. He didn’t like it when we left the house. Many is the time we would come home to something that he had chewed up – Don’s backpack, my bird book. He would punish us for leaving him.
One day, Don and I were running errands and we came back home to quickly unload some stuff. We had one more errand to do, so we said hi and goodbye to the dogs and left again. Later in the afternoon, after we’d been home for a while, Don went upstairs to take a nap on our bed. A very short time I later, I heard a string of expletives from our bedroom. I went up to investigate. Don had taken off his shirt (it was summertime) and plopped down on the bed only to find he was literally lying in dog poop.
Yes, Mr. Riley had decided to punish us by jumping up on the bed and pooping on it.
After my initial shock, I could not stop laughing. I’m sure that didn’t help matters.
We also learned that Riley would bite if he felt threatened. He bit both of us at one time or another. You couldn’t come at him from behind. You couldn’t grab onto his collar. Never go near the ears. He would growl and bare his teeth. Frankly, he frightened us. But he could also be the sweetest dog in the world. We went through years of being careful around him. It made our relationship tenuous at times. Occasionally, Don brought up the idea of getting him a new home. I even thought about it.
But I couldn’t. As far as I was concerned, we had made a commitment to him. He was ours. We had to find a way to work with him. We had to find a way to establish trust. I’m not the sort of person, nor is Don, who abandons a dog because things become hard or inconvenient. Don’t get me going on those who do.
I even consulted a famous pet psychic to try and get an idea of what might have happened to Riley to make him this way. She said that she saw him not so much being physically abused as being completely neglected. She saw him chained up in a yard, all by himself, for hours and hours. What a terrible thing to happen to any dog, least of all a puppy.
So we kept working with him. He rarely came for a pet at first, but gradually over the course of the years, he did. He loved to be petted, but only for a certain amount of time. He licked my hand, which was his way of showing me he loved me. His wild dog ways were tamed, for the most part. And my crazy, scared, anxious boy began to settle down. You would hear the thump-thump-thump of his tail when he saw you come into view. He’d wait each morning for Don to get up – every time he heard a noise from upstairs, he was on his feet, tail wagging, hoping his dad was coming down the stairs.
At first, he would run and play outside with Scout. He would jump up on the sofa for a nap. He and Scout would wrestle. And he loved, loved to eat. He could never get enough food, due, I suppose to having to survive on the streets.
But he started to slow down. He was sore at times. For a long time, we assumed it was hip dysplasia. He was a shepherd/collie mix and it seemed the logical assumption. Increasingly, there were periods where he had trouble lying down. Sometimes he couldn’t get up. He walked more slowly. He stopped jumping up on the sofa. Eventually, a vet diagnosed his problem as Cauda Equina Syndrome, a neurological condition affecting the lumbar plexis in which a loss of function occurs over time.
At least we finally knew what it was that was weakening our boy. And we knew that it would eventually take him from us. All the symptoms we had noticed suddenly made sense. As he grew weaker, ironically, he grew gentler. No more growling, no more baring teeth. Even though he was in pain at times, he remained incredibly stoic. Toward the end, he even let me clean his ears and cut his nails, which would have been unthinkable before.
The dogs had always slept in the bedroom with us but as Riley became less and less agile, he fell a few times on the stairs and we had to make the decision to keep both dogs downstairs at night. It was simply too dangerous for him. And we knew he needed Scout’s company.
Eventually, we helped him up and down the two stairs to the den and the step down outside the kitchen door.
He became incontinent. At first, we were often able to get him outside in time. His tail would arch and we would know if was time for him to poop. But his muscles were weakened and try as he might, he couldn’t always alert us in time.
It’s funny how one’s standards can change. Eventually it became all about making Riley comfortable and safe. No judgments. Just a soothing, “It’s okay, my boy. Don’t worry” as we cleaned up whatever needed to be cleaned up. Because you know what? Life is too damn short to make it about shame. We decided that our mission was to make him as comfortable as possible and shower him with affection and love while we still had him with us.
Through it all, he remained loving and gentle and grateful and brave. I would lie on the floor next to him at night, whispering in his ear how much he was loved, and he would gently lick the palm of my hand.
The four of us had a journey to take together. Riley learned to trust again. He learned we would never abandon him and he learned what it was like to feel loved and safe. He had a true blue friend in Scout. We learned to trust as well. We learned how to stay by our boy no matter what the obstacles. To never give up on him. To show him compassion even when we were frustrated. To love him unreservedly. We learned patience.
To be honest with you, sometimes during that last 3 months, I was exhausted and impatient with him. I would immediately be stricken with guilt and apologize for my impatience. I knew I was only human. I was worried and exhausted and it showed at times. The last 3 or 4 months of his life were rather like hospice care. I moved all of my computer paraphenalia into the living room, where he was stationed on his rug. Life became very basic. Riley needed to be cared for. Period. He still ate with gusto. He still barked along with Scout. He still loved his treats.
Don and I constantly monitored him and we knew we would know when it was time. I wasn’t going to make any decision based on fear or inconvenience. Neither was Don.
I treasure that time. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. My bond with Riley deepened. We communicated on a whole other level. He knew complete devotion and love. And for that, I am grateful. That my boy, neglected in his young life, knew what it was like to be loved and treasured helps to ease the pain of his loss.
A word about this. Most of you are fellow animal lovers. Your compassion and caring showed so clearly throughout the time I shared Riley’s struggle with you. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. And you all said that we would know when it was time.
Making a decision about the end of a beloved pet’s life is up to those who love him – his family – and his doctor. No one else. I had a comment on this blog, not long before Riley died, berating me for keeping him alive, implying I was selfish and insensitive. It was quite long and quite cruel. It hurt me but, mostly, it made me angry. I would never dare to tell someone how and when to make this most difficult and heartbreaking and personal of decisions. There we were, in the midst of one of the most difficult times in our life, struggling every day to make sure that Riley still wanted to hang in there and I had to read this? I deleted it and informed the commenter that I had done so. I had a response from the commenter, equally cruel, and I deleted that also. Because Riley was having trouble walking, was suffering from incontinence, I was supposed to put him down? Really? My mother cannot walk on her own and is incontinent. Should I have her put down, too?
Okay. I’m getting angry again and that serves no good purpose. It’s part of being a blogger, I suppose, and sharing your life with others. It’s the risk we run.
On August 20th, we knew it was time. Our doctor helped to clarify that for us. And we lovingly held and caressed him as he left this world. No amount of preparation could prepare us for the heartbreak that followed. I know you all understand that. But loving deeply opens you up to heartbreak in the end. I’ve always felt that if the creator screwed one thing up, it was in giving our animal friends such short lives. And yet, we adopt, we love, we give a home to them, knowing that our time together will be short.
Riley was my teacher. Scout is, too. He taught me so many things during the course of our nine years together. I miss him every moment of every day. I would give anything to have him back. He was an angel. We were meant to adopt that boy. He was meant for us.
Rest in peace, my boy.
Thank you Claudia.
Joy
A really lovely tribute to your precious boy, Claudia. I am horrified you got such a mean spirited comment.
You knew your boy better than anyone and how he should have been cared for as he grew weaker. I too got the “feeling” from someone “well meaning” that I should have put my sweet cat Sadie down when she was ill. But, I knew my cat and that person didn’t. I am comfortable that I cared for her in the best way possible. I also have a male dog that showed signs of abuse or neglect before I took him off the streets. He had trust issues and has come around to love and trust us, just as your Riley did. Thank you for sharing his story.
What a beautiful tribute to Riley, Claudia =).
That is a true love story.
Beautiful story, Claudia. Thank you for sharing it. Love to you.
What a sweet story, hon. Hubs feels the same way about animals because he was raised with them. Ya know, you’d make a great mom…to human kids, because you make a great mom to four-legged kids.
xoxo,
Connie
I know this was very difficult to write, and likely accompanied by many tears. But I hope it was cathartic. I know the agony you went through watching Riley go through so much pain. He was sent to you and Don for a reason. You fulfilled that reason. You loved and were loved. But all good things must come to an end, and sadly, it must have been Riley’s time. You know I love you and grieved your grief. Hugs, my friend.
Brenda
I am crying so hard I can’t see to type. This is just so beautiful, and how very, very blessed Riley was to have you and Don and Scout in his life and vice versa. I’ve been there, Claudia, and I know what it takes to make that decision and how hard it is to let go. I am so sorry that someone was unkind to you when they had no right on this earth to make that kind of comment. Shame on them! That is like pourcing salt into an open wound.
I’m glad you wrote this because I tried to make a commet on the other post when I was able to read it, and it seemed to be closed. So, though my comment is late, it is still heartfelt. Please accept my deepest sympathies on your loss. You know, I have to believe that God, who made such an infinite variety and loves animals so much that He commanded man to take care of them, has got Riley in Heaven along with so many other beloved pets and even more, the unloved and the unlovely animals who are now being loved by all the citizens there. I hope Riley has met my girls and my other pets, too. I’d like to think they were there waiting for him, knowing we are blogging friends.
Thanks for sharing this, Claudia, and shining light onto adopting rescue pets and the responsibility to make their lives better, particularly at the end. The Lord bless you all for that and more.
Please hug Scout for me.
XO,
Sheila
This was beautiful Claudia. It made me cry thinking about my own dog when I was growing up names Mitzi. She was a pure-bred German Shepard and we got her when I was in elementary school and kept her until I was in high school. I loved her dearly, we all did but she was especially close to my mom because she was home all day with her. I remember the day we had to let her go. Mitzi had broken her hip (the same one) for the second time and the doctor advised us that it was time to bring her in and let her go. The whole family went except me. I kissed her goodby in the back of the station wagon and went to my room and cried my heart out. It was her time but I was heartbroken. Mitzi had been with us the majority of my life and it broke my heart to have to let her go., but I knew it was time.
No one has the right to judge you about how long you kept your precious puppy. I’m glad you deleted those ugly comments. You loved him, he was a member of your family. How dare anyone speak to that except to offer comfort and support.You did the right thing for you and your dear Riley. Thank you for sharing his story with us. It was a blessing.
Cassandra
I meant Riley’s story. I’m still a bit weepy and typed the wrong name.
What a beautiful and touching tribute, Claudia. Oh, I need a tissue…
What a beautiful tribute to your beloved boy. You and Don should be proud of the wonderful life and and endless love you gave to him. I’m sure he loved you both just as much. He’ll always be a part of your heart.
What a beautiful story! Riley would have had a very short life if it weren’t for you. He was well loved. As were you and Don by him.
How lucky we are to have these angels in our lives even if it is for much too short a time.
Love,
Sue
xo
I’m crying along with you. I’ve done this now three times, and giving up that sweet love is always hard.
Love to you from me.♥
Beautiful, Claudia. We’re facing a similar challenge right now. I hope that we can hang in there with as much grace as you guys did. Mopping up puddles and telling him it’s alright, for now.
Achingly beautiful
Bless your heart-so difficult to write I’m sure. thank you for sharing-my tears are falling for you and although the loss is so deep, the love and memories are deeper…
tight hugs to you
I wish I could read it..I cry just looking at the pictures..maybe later
I know this must have been so painful to put to paper, but as I read it I thought what angels you and Don were to raise that puppy and instill trust in us humans again to his life. You know he had a great life and he’s waiting for you on the other side.
I’ve had many pets in my life– lost 2 within the last year. They simply don’t live long enough. Give yourself a hug!
Claudia, you did a beautiful job. Riley could not have been loved any more than he was, and is.
Love you,
Mere
Claudia, What a beautifully written and deeply touching story of the angel in your lives that was Riley. Thank you for sharing it. I am a relatively new reader of your blog so I didn’t know the details, just knew you had lost a beloved dog. I hope you feel deep satisfaction in all you did for Riley, and in how you handled his decline and death. Your memories of Riley are yours to keep forever. I know they will bless you for many years to come.
What a beautiful hearbreaking story! Riley was so blessed to have a family with so much love! My heart goes out to you all! Thank you for sharing his story may we all give a little appreciation and love to our pets tonight!
This is so beautiful, Claudia. You’ve honored him with your lovely tribute. xo Jennifer
Claudia – What an tribute to a precious pet. Pets become more than a pet to some of us and it is so hard to let them go. That Riley was a special dog with the most gentle, sweet eyes I have ever seen in a dog. He was so lucky to have you and Don and you are were very lucky to have him. He was loved and adored and he knew it.
Blessings!
Judy
Claudia thank you for sharing Riley”s story with us. What a sweet dog and yet so many hurts in his life. He found the right home and I love how you taught each other so much. I know you miss him so much! I know how it hurts to lose a beloved pet and I know I will have this to endure again, but I wouldn’t trade the pain because then I’d lose the love! Hugs, Linda
I found your blog a little while after Riley had passed and it has been sweet getting to know Scout’s friend in your tribute. He was lucky to have found you, and vice versa. Thanks so much for sharing his story with us. xoxo
Oh Claudia – My heart cries for you. Thank you for sharing your story of Riley. Such a lucky pooch to have found you and you him. Animals have souls just as people – they feel pain, they feel joy, they love, they dislike. I hope that you are healing from his loss and that you will find another “pound puppy” that also needs your love and will have love to share with you!! God Bless!! Suzan
What a beautiful story and beautifully written. I live in Southern California and am very involved in dog rescue and fostering. I take in seniors who need hospice or those that just need a safe place to live out what remaining time they have. every thing that you wrote is exactly how i feel. It is heart breaking and rewarding at the same time.
I truly believe the dog that needs you, finds you. Riley needed you and you found each other. thank you for all that you did for your beloved boy.
Hi Claudi, Loved this story. You made me cry. While reading, I was petting my dog.
ps .
i am here from BwAB
Thank you for writing. May I ask what BwAB stands for?
So far, love your blog. BwAB is your neighbor. Breida with AB.
Oh, of course! Duh.
LOL, XOXO,
katiasergio
He was soooo lucky that you found him and gave him another chance at a good life, Claudia. Many adopters would not have put up with his issues. You gave him the love and acceptance he needed to overcome them and you gave him such a wonderful life. You and Don are wonderful folks, loved this story. My husband often says, when we’ve lost a pet and I am grief stricken…. is it worth it??….. You bet it is.
Dear Claudia,
What a beautiful tribute to your dear boy. I read this as my two adopted babies sleep at my feet. As you know we lost our other two sweethearts 3 months apart last year and now I start a new journey with Rufus and Daisy. Riley was one lucky pup to find you and Don. You gave him a wonderful life and he enriched yours. It is always sad to be left behind and now Scout has done it twice. Your sweet girl knows how much you love her and just like you , dear Claudia, she carries on.
I truly enjoyed reading your heartfelt, adoring story about such a wonderful companian.
Hugs,
Sue
Since I can’t speak through this lump in my throat, I’m sending ((((hugs)))) I walked this same path 3 years ago
Three tissues and still crying. My first dog is now 3 years old, I found her on Petfinder and she is my best friend. She has been sick twice this summer and both times I just couldn’t leave her. I can’t even think about that day. Ugh! Thank you for sharing. I hope you find peace. Sending hugs to you!
Hello Claudia,
The four of you were truly meant to be together on this Earth. This is a beautiful tribute post for Riley, I know a difficult one for you in your grief. I am thankful to have a kind animal lover like you as a friend, you’re in it for the long run, both good & not so good times. I know you’d never change a thing and do it all over again for Riley, he was a blessed boy to be loved by you!
Your photos are sweet & beautiful, I think Riley knew he hit the doggie lottery living at Mockingbird Hill Cottage.
Love, Tracie
Sometimes a dog gets the most loving, caring, and wonderful family to heal it’s broken life.
From the heart Claudia, that dog was blessed with finding you all.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
Thank you, Claudia. A beautiful story about a beautiful family.
What a beautiful tribute. You must miss him very much.
Oh Claudia, that was beautiful. He was one lucky doggin’ too! You took such wonderful care of him!
Such a lovely story.
XO Kris
Poignant tribute to your friend. Pets add so much dimension to life. Losing them hurts so deeply.
Your post was beautifully written and brought back memories of when we had to make that terrible decision with our own little Fergie. I asked a friend at work how to know when it’s time to put an end to the pain and suffering of a beloved pet. She told me that our dog would look at us for help and we would just “know”. She was right.
Lovely tribute for a beloved life companion.
I lost my dog, Jack, 8 months ago to an inoperable brain tumor. His death followed on the heels of the deaths of my best friend and my mother. To be honest, his loss has been the hardest to recover from – which would sound crazy to anyone but a true ‘dog’ person!
Hope you find peace in the memories and satisfaction in knowing you modeled all that love can be.
Oh, Claudia, what a beautiful and moving tribute to a beloved member of your family. How we care for those we love show more about our character than almost anything else. Two years ago I lost my father in June, and then lost my beautiful shih-tzu Belle two months later. I managed to cope with everything surrounding my father’s passing, but losing Belle did me in. I understand all too well all the ragged emotions and grief at saying goodbye to someone who loved us unconditionally. Peace to you, Don and Scout.
Claudia…I am so touched by this tribute to Riley. He was so blessed to have you and Don for parents. Your hearts are huge and Riley got a second chance at life because of your open hearts. Having had to send our dear Obie to heaven last year my heart goes out to you. I miss him every day and have just started being able to really look at his photos. Thank you for this tribute….you have helped me remember how to be kind and loving when things get tough….with animals and with humans….our animals are humans with fur I think….and much more. What a tribute to Scout too by the way….what a very special dog.
I am once again crying. I know how painful this was for you. Thanks for sharing this tribute with us. I still miss my sweet Pumpkin and it has been three years. Putting her to sleep was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Hugs,
Laura
Oh, Claudia, what a beautiful tribute to such a special friend. Sitting here with wet eyes and a lump in my throat… Donna
Such a beautiful tribute to a very, very special boy. The relationship between man and dog is such an incredible thing. We are human, we make mistakes, become frustrated, and yet they forgive us every time. I surely know how hard it is to work out when to let them go – I fear I’ve got that wrong twice, once too soon, once too late, and I carry that – but if we can give them freedom from pain and fear, as you did with Riley, we have done all they would ask of us. You loved him and he loved you and this post is alight with that love. He was blessed to have the family he did x
Such a sweet boy, Claudia. Pets imprint their lives on ours and we (and they) are forever changed. You’re both so lucky you found one another. Take care. x
Claudia – I am so sorry your sweet furbaby had to go to the Rainbow Bridge. You and your husband gave him a warm, safe, loving home – Bless you. (((hugs)))
I have had to make those decisions also – it is not easy.
Glenda