I’ve been thinking about something off and on, especially for the past few days. Yesterday, I had a long phone conversation with my best friend Laural. Laural and I grew up together. In the course of the conversation, she asked about my parents. I tried to put into words what I sense about both of my parents; that as they grew older, they became more negative and more resentful. They perceived slights where there were none. They saw the cup as more than half empty.
Hey, I know. Old age isn’t for sissies, to paraphrase Bette Davis. It’s tough. My dad is ninety and he has lots of aches and pains and often feels overwhelmed by tasks and chores that he would have sailed through a decade or two ago. My mom is in a sort of limbo, half in this world, half out of this world, confined to a bed in a nursing home. None of this is anything to celebrate and none of it is anything I would wish for them. In my ideal world, they would still be in their prime, happy and healthy. And I can’t even begin to say I understand what it must be like for them at this point in their lives.
Both of my parents are good, kind and loving people. I need to be clear on that before I write the rest of this post. They have been devoted parents to the four of us. I love them more than I can say.
I’m really not talking about this moment in time. I’m speaking to something that started creeping in years ago. As my mother grew older, a little sliver of negativity that had been there all along grew to something much bigger. It made her unhappy. It permeated her life. My father’s tendency to embroider the truth grew by leaps and bounds. Our phone conversations often consist of me reminding him of what actually happened because he sees things through the skewed lens of a ‘victim.’ His perceptions are often wildly off-base. He sees ‘others’ as being the source of his problems.
And I find myself on guard, ever-watchful for little hints of that sort of thing within myself. I don’t want to be that way. I can very easily fall into the fear and worry that are just on the other side of the cliff. I, like everyone else on earth, rely on my perceptions about people and events, so I do my best to shove them under the harsh glass of reality to make sure I am not falling into the trap of victimhood or resentment or jealousy. If I am, I do my best to release those misperceptions, to release any trace of ‘poor me.’
Because I don’t want to be that way and I know I could be – quite easily. Let’s be completely honest here, I’ve most definitely fallen into that trap in the past.
I’ve known other people who tended to see everything from a negative point of view, whose take on anything came from a place of fear, whose negative energy permeated the room. And others who always managed to weave the story of their life from a victim’s point of view, conveniently omitting their culpability in the matter. My ‘lost’ sister, L, is one of them. My father is another. If you tell a story often enough, you start to believe it. Therein lies the danger.
Resentment poisons you. As do jealousy and fear. As do unreasonable expectations of others to supply our happiness. There is no way anyone else can make you happy at the core of your being. That has to come from within.
I firmly believe that it all comes down to taking responsibility for your actions. For every perceived slight or hurt in my life, I’ve learned that there is more to the picture. I’ve had to face some unpleasant facts about my part in the whole thing. Shining the bright light of honesty and truth on the situation often helps me to come to terms with something. If I ignore it, I can definitely tell you that it will come back to haunt me, again and again, until I take responsibility and, ultimately, forgive.
I don’t want to see things through a glass that is half-empty. It’s all too easy to do that, especially in view of the current state of our world. It’s all too easy to let fear’s poison take over our daily lives. I want to fight to remain positive, hopeful and thankful. I want to be less judgmental. I refuse to be a victim, for if I am a victim, then it will always be somebody else’s fault.
I take responsibility for my life; the good, the (perceived) bad, the ups and downs. I’m writing this to put into words something that I am growing increasingly sure of. I want to shape the way I move forward in my life. I want to see the world and the people around me from a positive point of view. I want to see the glass as half-full or maybe even completely full. Wouldn’t that be nice?
It’s an ongoing challenge, believe me. I often fail. But hopefully, with each new challenge, I will become a bit better at the whole thing. I am not a victim. I am responsible for my thoughts and actions. I shape my life. And everything that happens is an opportunity to come from a place of love and peace.
Happy Saturday.
Oh Claudia, how wise you are. You’ve unearthed the primary truth: We are the authors of our own lives. When you have parents who are harsh, you have 2 paths from which you can choose. One, you can exhibit the harmful behavior with which you grew up or, two, you can opt for the path you are traveling, that of kindness, clarity and acceptance. If you have been unintentionally hurt by parents, you can choose to continue that negative pattern or you can break the mold and build a new healthy nurturing model. You have shone the harsh light of reality on your past and emerged the lovely person you are. Having grown up in an abusive home, my sweet Noble led me to the same result with these simple words: “It’s just easier to be nice.”
Tina
And he’s so very right, Tina.
This was an awesome post. I will be coming back to read it again – maybe several times. My mom is very much a glass half-empty person, and since my dad died two years ago I would say she’s edging into being a glass three-quarters- empty person. Every time I go visit her I come back and say to my kids and friends “I don’t want to be like that as I get older.” It scares me to think I might. Thank you for this post.
I think that’s why I wrote this post, Kristie. It scares me that I might become that way, as well. If I write about it, then I must put it into practice, if you know what I mean.
Well said Claudia! I’ve OFTEN stressed over not wanting to be like either of my parents were in their final years. My mom’s cup was always three quarters empty, and my dad often saw slights where none existed. I suppose some of that is inevitable with old age, but I pray I’m at the opposite end of that spectrum when the time comes.
I wonder about that, if some of it is inevitable. It may well be, but I sure hope to keep it at a minimum!
You are very strong, and determined Claudia…I think if we are aware of the possibilities of turning into someone like that it’s the first step to make sure that we don’t. It’s a easy hill to run down into…a hard one to climb out of.
Soul searching can be painful, but it’s worth it.
Jen
Oh, it can be so painful. I’ve been doing a lot of it lately.
Your post is so very relatable. My elderly mother-in-law fabricates and manipulates and I oftentimes fail at taking my sail out of her wind, something I have to truly concentrate on, else my glass goes half empty pretty quick. I am way too pragmatic and allow myself to become frustrated by what I clearly consider others’ bad behavior. A friend currently visiting from Buffalo subscribes to a better technique. He reminds how oftentimes it can be difficult to forgive and forget and so he chooses to forgive and live. Thinking perhaps a better remedy I ought to try.
I love that: ‘forget and live.” Perfect. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Wow, what a post. Thank you, Claudia, for putting out there such a relevant and important topic. My observation is that many people from our parents’ generation are lacking in the most basic understanding of what I will call, for lack of a better phrase, a psychological understanding of themselves and life. There is tons of info out there now about how to live well, take responsibility for your own life, heal your wounds, etc. Also, as a parent of three young adult children I have experienced the pain of letting go. It is easy to feel resentment that, after pouring your heart and soul into raising your kids, they move on and want their own lives. It takes strength and maturity to focus on your own life and let them have theirs. I can imagine this situation snowballing over the years if you don’t have the strength to deal with it when it begins happening. Lastly, I affirm what Tina says. When you come from a harsh and neglectful upbringing you have a choice about how you will live your life. But a tough childhood can be the gateway to strength and compassion — if we choose that. And that choice may involve getting outside help to do it. We can’t change anyone else but our lives are our own to shape as we will. If we don’t, issues that we ignore during the active years of our lives can come back in spades to haunt us in the challenging years of aging.
I think some of it might well be generational, Becky. And let me stress, my upbringing wasn’t neglectful, it was loving. But there were other issues to be dealt with, including my father’s alcoholism. I often wish my mom had sought outside help, especially when she lost her mother and her son. But she couldn’t do that, for some reason. I adore her and wish she could have found some peace about the complicated relationship she had with her mother.
Yes, I know your upbringing was loving. I’ve read your blog long enough to know that from other posts, and I also think it’s evident in who you are. I was referring to my own upbringing. And you made a point in this post to say that your parents are good, loving people. It’s sad your mother couldn’t get help for her losses and grief. Therapy has much less stigma today than it used to have.
I think Mom felt the stigma of therapy and also felt the need to keep her feelings inside, when sharing them would have been so much more freeing.
So timely.Even while feeling I have arrived at a kind of dead end,I am finding that telling myself,’I am responsible’ helps to send away distress and negativity and has an empowering effect. As long as we are still here,no matter our age or circumstances it only makes sense that we give it our best. If nothing else it is certainly a lighter way to travel.Thanks again,Claudia.
‘I am responsible’ IS empowering, Grace. Well said.
I can totally agree with you on this one Claudia. Unfortunately, I’ve seen
Some of these traits creeping into my life and have calculated it’s been
For about 4 1/2 YEARS! When we self examine .. It hurts to see our own short
Comings; but what hurts worse is to do nothing to change. I don’t think age has
As much to do with it as willingness to examine SELF rather than others.
Taking the plank out of our own eye in order to see the speck in someone else’s-
Enjoyed reading this -Pat
Oh goodness, I absolutely hate admitting I have short comings. But I do. What we perceive in others is often what lies deep within our very self. And that needs to be attended to.
Oh, dear Claudia! Have you been looking over my shoulder at my life?? I am the oldest child of 2 alcoholic parents who have passed, and I have one sibling ~ and I have not spoken to her in over 5 years. She has 6 children from 3 different men, and is completely out of the lives of 3 of those children. Attitude is a choice. In many cases, I also believe that being a victim, over and over again, is a choice. I think the most important part of your post is that we only have the ability to change ourselves and our surroundings. We cannot change anyone else. When we attempt to do so, it is a case of banging your head into a brick wall over and over again and wondering why you have a headache. I will save this to read over as a reminder. As we get older it is so easy to become more negative just by allowing ourselves to long for our lost youth and what we once had, thinking of it as an injustice of some kind…. instead of focusing on what remains to be. We make a choice each and every day about how full that glass is…… I want mine to be ever full and overflowing. That in itself is a journey when trying to scale that mountain and trying to stay positive most of the time!! Thank you for sharing these feelings. It brought forth so much for me, personally, to think about. Pondering is always a good thing. :-)
How very true, Chris. We can’t change others. We can only change ourselves.
Well said Claudia, I have been following your blog for sometime now and always enjoying reading it. I try not to look back at what caused what in my early life and married life. Some of it is way too painful and I cannot change it. I try to take a day at a time, but some of it remains just below the surface. My dad is gone now for a long while and Mom is 90 and I try to spend time with her. She has all her memories of the way things were etc so I leave well enough alone. I have more problems with my siblings. All live close by but we choose not to be close for some reason or another. I like being my own person and not have to worry or even consider someone else other than my husband and son and family. As we are getting older now they seem to want to make amends for mom’s sake this Christmas. I dread the day but will go and ask for God to keep my mouth shut for me. I am so different from all my family I guess because I am so liberal in my ways. I like to treat people with kindness even if I do not agree. I try not to hurt people or change them, its their life, let them live it. I know my shortcomings and some I try to change and some I kinda like! Just be yourself, be kind and stay away from those who hurt, criticize, and try to change you. That’s what I do.
Wise words, Barbara. My challenge with my father is to try and be supportive and positive and not get engaged by those things he says and does that tend to push my buttons. I’m getting better at it!
What a good person you are, Claudia. No kidding, Tremendous post – well done! I daresay these are things we ALL can stand to be reminded of from time to time. It reminded me, too, of a line from my favorite author, Anton Myrer. [Paraphasing] – basically life is a losing battle – it’s how we deal with the setbacks and losses and difficulties that make all the difference. Have a great weekend.
Thank you, Janet.
Claudia, I will reread your post . But when you r in the middle of a crisis it is so hard. My mom had 2 falls and she tried to commit suicide. Yesterday, the wrong wheelchair was delivered and she has an appointment on Monday. After 2 hours of phone work I got the right wheel chair, but I feel beat up.
An acquiantance of mine wrote an article about facing her fears. One of her fears was wearing lipstick. When she finally applied it, it bled on her because she kissed it off. It’s so ironic, that for so many people they wish the lipstick would bleed, if they were kissed more.
All of our lives are so different. Some people are starving and some are overfed, not only from food, but from love or the lack of it.
The sun is shining, and I’ll live life minute by minute today. I’ll notice the leaves falling.
Life is tough. Thank you for your wonderful blog.
Sheree
I’m so very sorry about your mother, Sheree. I pray for her recovery and am thankful you are there for her.
I could write a book on this subject! My mom spent the last years of her life falling deeper and deeper into what “they” diagnosed as Alzheimers. My nephew is a doctor and told us about another dementia called “Louie Body Syndrome”. This one is full of hate, fear and negativity. We are convinced that is what our mother had. She would call the police every day telling them we were taking all her money and trying to kill her. She was never the most positive woman to be around but she was a great mother and loved us all dearly and worked full time when our father didn’t work, which was most of the time I was growing up. He was an alcoholic and died when he was sixty. I was just twenty when he died and I remembered feeling so sad and so relieved at the same time. I know that sounds horrible but I have spent the rest of my life dealing with that fact. My mom’s last ten years were so difficult for all of us, but especially her. Thinking your children are trying to kill you must be hell on earth. I told lots of people it was like God had abandoned her to be tortured by the devil. I wasn’t real happy with God during those years. No one, no one at all, deserves Alzheimer’s or any of the other dementias. Her death also came with great sadness and relief that those demons could no longer hurt her. I hate that both my parents death came with some relief and not all just sadness.
More than you wanted to know, huh?
You are in my prayers,
Tana
I so agree. Dementia and Alzheimer’s are particularly cruel and no one deserves them. My mom is very unhappy and who can blame her? She’s confined to a bed in a nursing home, away from her home and her husband and her cats. When I spoke of her negativity, I was speaking of the way she was before the nursing home happened. Now, she just lays there and it breaks my heart. Both my sister and I pray for her release. That may seem strange, but I want her to be in a better place.
An amazing post and a timely one for all of us in mid-life or beyond. I noticed when I was in my late 30’s that so many of the men and women I knew in their 60’s or so were short-tempered … both with themselves and with others. And their countenance bore wrinkles and lines from all the scowling they did on so regular a basis. Their conversation was consisted mostly of complaints and negative comments. It felt like they thought the world owed them something special because they had made it to this “advanced” age. I decided then and there that I would try my best not to be a “grouchy old lady” as I aged.
I have a dear Christian friend in her 80’s whose life has not been easy in any way but her heart is so kind and her spirit so inviting that she is a joy to visit. Her face is softly lined and her eyes sparkle with the peace and joy she shares with everyone. She is my role model and I hope that I can be as pleasant and nice to be with as she is.
My mother died young at 45. She was an orphan and as a young woman in her 20’s had major brain surgery and spent 9 months in a hospital recovering her sight, her ability to walk and talk and function. Thankfully she recovered completely which is a miracle since that was in 1947 — way before the medical technologies we have today. She was glad to be alive. My father broke his knee when he was 12 years old and it was not set correctly leaving him with one short leg which caused him to have severe back and neck pain for most of his life (he lived into his 80’s). Their lives were a struggle and though there were times of great stress and upheaval neither of them were complainers or grouchy which was a great blessing. Because of emphysema my dad was not socially active for many years before he died and my sister and I were amazed that the entire church was filled at his funeral with friends and neighbors who knew and loved and respected him. That in itself was a wonderful legacy to leave to my sister and I … just to see the heartfelt care and respect from people who had known him for 50 or 60 years.
Life is not easy for any of us … we must choose the kind of person we desire to be and work at making it happen. It is not only for the blessing of those around us with whom we have relationships but it is for ourselves as well. If we are argumentative, judgmental, angry, bitter, etc. we will spend a good deal of time alone. I would prefer to button my lip, put a smile on my face, and spend time with those I love in peace.
Amen, Ann.
Beautifully said, Claudia, and so appropriate for this time of giving thanks. Let us be thankful for all of the things that shaped who we are. We learned from our parents, even when the lessons were painful. We learned not to repeat history; to find a way to break the patterns. Your words reached in and touched my core.
Thank you, Nancy.
Great piece of writing Claudia. I noticed how my Mom has changed with age and it wasn’t always pleasant. After her heart failure a couple of years ago she seems kinder and gentler but still wants it her way. I have made a conscious decision not to live my life in fear. I could be afraid, but I won’t. I’m careful and cautious and try to be smart but I want to enjoy life and if it’s only one more day or thousands of days then so be it! I have to continue to remind myself not to let others slings and arrows get under my skin. There are always reasons they attack and I try to understand the why. Sometimes I can get past it and sometimes I just move on. Life is a journey and I’m still heading down the road I have chosen!
hugs, Linda
Me too, Linda.
Great topic, Claudia. I work in a doctor’s office and deal with many elderly patients and many can be described as either “half empty” or ” half full”. I enjoy talking to the half-fulls and always ask them what they consider the “secret” to their joy. I’ve been told many things, including yoga by a 95 year old women. Most credit their hobbies, their church , their pets or family. The half-empties ALWAYS complain if we are running behind (elderly men are the worst complainers) and I go out of my way to be extra kind to them. I lost both my parents when they were young and I miss having parents so much. Thanks for writing your blog…I always enjoy it even if I don’t always have time to comment. Jen
How lovely of you – being extra kind to those who the half-empties. They need our love and compassion.
Very powerful post Claudia! We all have very different stories, different childhoods, different life experiences, that shape us and how we choose to live our lives. But it is our choice…a very important point that you brought up. If you look at all the negative things going on in our world today, it would be all too easy to take a negative path. I too, choose a glass half full kind of attitude. I have become more mellow, more optimistic, more thankful for what I have. I’ve been on a mission these last few years, to not become my parents. They too grew more negative as the years wore on…and while my dad passed a few years ago, my mom is in a nursing home….someplace I vow never to live! So, it’s up to me to do everything in my power to stay healthy, not only physically, but mentally. I have challenged myself…and I’m gonna win! That’s my choice! ;)
Good for you, Donna!
Claudia, I know exactly what you mean. My sister and I were raised the very same way. We had the same and did without the same. But I have to shake off the bad feelings of childhood and try to count my blessings. My sister is just the opposite. She is negative and what I call, always looking a gifted horse in the mouth. We write to each other 3-5 times a week…I try to always be up-beat and to remember any good that ever happened in our lifes….some times it works and she’ll be happier, for a while. I tell her life is flying by, let’s count our blessings. Be happy to have a cup of coffee every morning, or see the sun…or hear from one of our children. Blessings to you dear Claudia, try to shake off that old bad feeling. You are blessed with my friend who care for you. xoxo,Susie
I don’t really have a bad feeling, Susie. Just an awareness of what I want to achieve in my life. Of the person I want to be.
Great post! Your last 3 paragraphs are why I have read your blog for these last 4 years. Your world view and your perspective resonate with me.
It is challenging watching our parents age and turn into people who can be very difficult. I hope that I do not become like my mother or my mother in law were in their later years. I think that it is important to stay engaged in life through social outlets, volunteer work, and learning. I am nearing 63, retired, and I am engaged in the DFL Party both at the local and state levels of leadership, the League of Women Voters, and NAMI MN as an advocate for mental health issues. I hope that I am able to continue these activities for many years to come. These activities give me a purpose, help me to learn and grow and in the end, I feel empowered. I know that some day, the body will begin to wear out and it may be difficult if not impossible to maintain these activities. “Old age is not for sissies” is so very true. I do think that for the most part we choose our attitude. I also think that our baby boomer generation has benefited from advances in medicine and the social sciences so that we may have a different experience of aging from that of our parents.
You make a good and valuable point about staying engaged in life. I have to watch that in myself. I could easily become someone who sits at home, without getting engaged in the outside world. An important reminder, Carolyn. Thank you.
I’m speechless after reading this post and the insight you have shown. I have worked with the Elderly a lot of my life and have seen both negativity and positivity regardless of their circumstances, depending on the person. However, I have also worked in an office and have been with younger people and have witnessed the same thing.
I know that personally, I’m a worrier and so I try very hard to be a glass half full person, because my personality tendencies lie the other way. I just pray that I have the mental capacity and strength in my older years, (if I live that long), to continue to make the choice to be an upbeat, mostly pleasant person to be around.
Blessings,
Betsy
Oh, I’m a worrier, too, Betsy. I have been since I was a little girl. I really have to ‘let go’ and turn my worries over to a Higher Power or I can quickly find myself immersed in them.
You will see the glass as half full, Claudia, I just know you will. I worry about this too. My mother was always a glass half full person and she still is even in a nursing home, her short term memories becoming more and more confused, my sisters tell me. But she is a darling. I hope I will be like that. Even though I’m a glass half full person myself, I have lived with a naturally glass half empty man for 50 years. Or he would say he often sees the dregs in the bottom! We watched the movie the other night with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, Hope Springs, and kept grinning at each other as Jones grumbled and grouched his way through the movie. I finally asked him if the screenwriter studied him while writing this movie! And guess what, his mom, bless her heart, was not a happy person. He always said that he did not want to end up like that so I have to tease him about it when it gets too bad. And the danger is that it sometimes rubs off on me. Oh, woe is me. Or is it I? You should be able to answer that one for me my wise friend.
Dewena
It’s okay to have it sometimes rub off on you. Yin, yang, positive, negative. The important thing is to acknowledge it and then release it.
I am grateful for Don who balances me when I get too negative or worried. He did it today, as a matter of fact. He helped me to see that my concerns about a person in my life and their choices wasn’t helping them or me. I also do the same for him when he’s feeling fearful or scared. We all experience those feelings. Balance is the important thing.
I’m 67 now and I have been taking a water color paint class at our local Sr Ctr for 3 years. We have ladies in their 80s painting with us, and one gentleman is almost 90. He had a stroke and couldn’t talk, but is back to painting! Their outlooks on life is amazing. They are all so happy, and many of the women have buried their husbands. In listening to their stories you know they’ve had a hard life, but now they are doing something for themselves and keeping their minds busy.
My husband has dementia, and I have been reading a book on it and it talks about how if they were a negative person before getting it, sort of the glass is running out type of person, they will continue to be that way. And that is the case here. When he complains I try to change the subject for him or make light of what he is having difficulty with, just so I can take his mind off of things. I think as we get older and lose our faculties, it does play on our minds, and makes us very fearful also. Especially for men, I can so see this in my husband. I’m endeavoring to avoid that path, and be thankful for what we have in life. I inherited a great sense of humor from my mother, and often I feel like it is what helps me keep my sanity. As difficult as life might get we do have to look at the lighter side and also to take advantage of all the advancements made in aging that are available for us now. This was a great post, Claudia.
What great role models your classmates are, Annette! They sound wonderful.
I know you are seeing the effects of dementia first hand and you handle it with grace and love. My dad doesn’t have dementia, but I try to respond to his complaints with sympathy and a touch of humor.
Thank goodness for a sense of humor. It has got me through more challenges than I can mention!
I suppose that starting with this email – and your fault finding with your parents – I feel inclined to add a perspective from an older person’s point of view. The end is coming – we all know that – but we don’t really “realize” it until we begin to think in terms of maybe less than ten years left – or less. It is scary and when we are ignored and made to feel that we don’t count anymore – especially our fears and doubts – we tend to only become more afraid. Our fears and negativity (if we tend that way) are often thought of as shortcomings and therefore bad – making us feel, well more negative. I have a loving family and I tend to the positive – and this week, while doing a big family ornament fest I spoke about the fact that I have so much stuff – and I was worried that my kids would resent having to take care of my “stuff” after I was gone. My daughter said – “I have no judgements of you now and no judgements of you and your “stuff” when you leave us. But you are going to live to be 125 so it doesn’t matter how much stuff you have – we are just happy to have you”. Well, that was the perfect answer – and though I know I won’t live to be 125 I feel cherished and loved for my thoughts – no matter what they be.
Sadness and feeling unloved makes some people turn negative – and as you can see – happiness and feeling valued gives us a sense of well being, and of being treasured. Trying to put our own negative feelings on our parents is another form of seeing ourselves as a victim. I’m happy that my daughters don’t see me as a reason for them to feel negative.
Just a few thoughts from an old lady.
I suppose there’s always the danger that someone will interpret my words as ‘fault finding.’ And you may well see it that way. I shared what good people my parents are and if you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you will have read countless other posts about my parents and their many good and wonderful qualities and how I adore and admire them. I’ve had conversations with both parents about fears, about the end of life, and have done my best to give them an opportunity to talk about that without judgment, without trying to ‘fix everything’ which is a tendency of mine. It’s what we all fear. Personally, I’m terrified of death. And I’m sure they are as well, especially as the end of their lives draws near.
My parents are loved and they know they are loved – by all of their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. And acknowledging truths about both myself (especially myself) and my parents doesn’t mean I see myself as a victim. Far from it.
I tell my dad I love him at the end of every conversation we have. I do the same with my mother. I grew up in a family that hugged each other when saying hello and goodbye. In a family where saying ‘I love you’ was an everyday, essential thing.
If anything, this post is about me and my having to constantly watch myself and my tendency to be fearful and/or negative, judgmental or resentful. About how I’m trying my best to change the way I see the world.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. xo
Wow Claudia. You write so many posts that touch me in a very real way. I don’t know if it’s your writing skills (which are excellent by the way) or maybe we were separated at birth, ha. My 88 year old mother lives with me and we are trying to cope with this change right now. She has gone from being a worry-wort to being extremely negative and depressed. Her current life seems to be full of regret for things she never experienced or became and it is always someone else’s fault. Hard to cope with but I love my Mother and I am really trying. I can too easily fall into the “poor me” syndrome too so many years ago I started to give myself a reality check. If something bad happens to me, immediately I must find a “bright side” to the situation and that puts things in perspective for me. Now it’s second nature. Have a nice weekend, J
You bring up a good point, Julie. Depression is very common in the elderly. My mom is on an anti-depressant. My dad may be too, I’m not sure. And as our parents age, they look back at their lives and can’t help but think about ‘what might have been.’
What a great post. You are so right. Resentment is a poison.
I have some resentments that I’m still working on.
I “get” this…and in some ways could have written it….Thanks for the reminder. A cheerful, positive spirit doesn’t come naturally to me….
Me either, Rebecca! The very things I see in my mother and father, I also see in myself.
Thank you for this post Claudia! You are so right that in this day and age it is more and more easy to let another take the blame, hey, everyone is doing it (point). We are truly responsible for our selves and our own actions, we can choose to see things negatively or positively… positively takes much more work but is so much more worth the effort. Keeping track of our actions, thoughts and feelings is a good way to try to keep ourselves on the path we want to follow. I’ve noticed in myself the past few years as I am approaching the later years of my life that it is indeed easy to fall prey to the “victim” philosophy. Things that have always been in my character seem to be vying for control, control that I don’t want them to have because then it will only be feeding the ever present beast of negativity. It is said that fear, and therefore anger which almost automatically follows in fear’s footsteps, is the strongest energy on this planet. All the more reason to work at taming that beast and changing the world for the better and for future generations. Which legacy do we want to leave the world?!
Hugs my sweet blogging sister,
Beth P
Oh, I believe that fear is the strongest energy on the planet! It would be so much better if love was, don’t you think?
xo
I think it is very easy for any of us to fall into the glass is half empty perspective, Claudia. When I wrote my post on black and white a couple of days ago it was more of a commentary on what is going on in our world today rather than just being about black and white photography. However, it is okay that some people saw it as being about the photographs. I am just happy that they enjoyed them. I think we have become so polarized as a people that we no longer see what lies between the black and the white, and this leads many people to think from a negative point of view. I really am working on not falling into that trap. Watching my mother and others her age, it seems to be a common way of thinking. Happiness is a choice and it is one that I am trying to make more and more, Well written, my friend. xo Laura
Thank you for your wise words, Laura.
Well done Claudia, I think you are so much better at this then I am. I need to wake up and be better, better with my attitude and better with my part in the situation at hand. Growing up with our parents this is not how we were taught to be, so now only we have the power to change.
Hugs,
Meredith
You are an amazing person, my sister. I love you.
Sign me up for the glass half full club, Claudia. There have been times when I’ve fallen into the “woe is me” state in my personal life and I have to agree with you that taking responsibility for our own lives is key. You’ve written a thought-provoking piece.
-Karen
Thank you, Karen. I’m always trying to ‘think things though’ to figure out why I am the way i am.
I wonder sometimes about the generational forces on my parents that it may be hard for people of my generation–I’m 63–to fully inculcate. They grew up during the Great Depression and then experienced World War II as young adults. So many of that generation threw themselves into marrying, finding jobs and having children as soon as the war ended. I wonder sometimes, knowing the horrors that came out of WWII, how they had the courage to have children, although I’m of course grateful that they did! I wonder if they even gave themselves time to explore what they wanted out of life, or if they felt too strongly the need to rebuild a sane world, to make up time they thought they had lost. When my mother died in her mid-40’s, with her two oldest children married adults and the two youngest teens in high school, she had just barely begun to wonder if it was possible for her to go to college, meet weekly with friends, take part in the expansion of opportunity for women. As a young married woman in the 1950’s, she had tried to live a 1950’s life to the utmost, and she was just beginning to wonder if that had been enough. Men must have felt just as pressured to lead that 1950’s kind of life, too, without thinking about whether they really wanted to spend their lives working in the chemistry lab of a refinery for the rest of their working lives, as my father dutifully did. But I look at my mother-in-law, aging into fearfulness and mistrust, and I know that whether I understand the pressures or not, that’s not how I want to experience aging. Great post.
Linda, your comment is so insightful. I think you are right. My mom was 18 when she got married, my dad was 22 and just home from serving in WWII, a war that he has nightmares about to this day. And Mom stayed home with the children, something I took for granted, while Dad worked for 40 years at a job he didn’t particularly like in order to take care of his family. I don’t think they allowed themselves the luxury of exploring what they wanted out of life. It certainly was the expected thing to do – marry young, have children, buy a home and build a life as a family.
This post really got to me Claudia as many of your’s do. I try and always find a blessing in things but sometimes I fail and that bothers me a lot. When I was a child my Granny was my safe harbor in life’s storms and the sweetest person. Years later, after I was married, she changed dramatically and none of us could understand why. Now, after having two bad bouts of depression I know that’s what was wrong with her. It changed her and the way others percieved her. I wish we had known how to help her. I find that my husband and I both tend to be judgemental about the actions of others and I usually remind him and myself that we shouldn’t be that way. Your comment about another not being responsible for our happiness was so true for me. For the first few years of our marriage I expected my poor husband to make me happy but thank goodness I finally realized it was up to me not him. I hope I can be like my precious mother in law who will be 82 in January. She is the sweetest, most kind person I’ve ever known. She is a living example of God”s goodness and grace. Her life has not been easy and she’s had a lot of heartache but she just keeps moving forward and letting her light shine.
We knew so little about depression at that time. Thank goodness we know more about it now, but it was certainly hard for people like your grandmother or Don’s mother, who suffered from illnesses that were misunderstood at the time, Janie.
I think we all tend to be judgmental. It’s human nature. But we can certainly work on being less so. Again – something I am successful with at times and woefully deficient in at others.
Claudia, your post reminded me how thankful I am for my family – both past and present. I grew up in a “Beaver Cleaver” family. My Mom never worked and both of my parents were close to perfect. Even as they aged they still told me on a regular basis how talented and smart I was – as well as the same thing about my three sisters. I guess they probably instilled in me that I could accomplish anything I wanted. It’s hard for me at times to understand how others grew up in not so great homes and how it affects them in later life. I know you grew up in a loving home and that is one reason for your outlook on life that you have. We all need to stop and be grateful for all of the good things we have in our lives. You definitely are a glass and three quarters full person.
Love ya,judy
I am lucky in the fact that my parents were always supportive of me as well, Judy. But I know so many people who grew up in homes that were less than loving, or broken, or dysfunctional. I am very grateful for all the good in my life as are you, my friend. I see it in the way you approach everyone and everything in your live. Bless you.
The comments and your answers on this post bring tears and a larger understanding. All these words help put the misunderstandings, changes in personality from positive to quarrelsome and quite rude ( in dealing with our parents in their eighties and nineties) into a clearer perspective of their reality, their histories, their very tough choices in the depression and war years. I think the 50’s were described so well by one commenter today.
I am focusing on the good memories, the parents who did their very best with what they had, the love they had for their family (their entire families). Dementia sucks.
We can’t fix their past experiences. We can live our lives as we choose. Forget and live. What a clear statement.
I usually find the glass half full or better and I find that dealing with negativity is a really tough issue. This year I have stepped back and shared the parental care responsibilities with my siblings and others. Amazingly life didn’t stop, things carried on, others stepped up. Who knew !
Claudia, thank you today.
Joy
I thought the comment that talked about the fifties was so insightful, Joy.
Bless my parents – they did indeed do the very best with what they had. And they loved us completely.
You are welcome, Joy. As always, I am blessed and enlightened and helped by all of the comments shared on this page.
Belated Happy Birthday greetings, Claudia :) I am a little over a year older than you and enjoying being 62…paving the way for you to enjoy your new year! One of my friends from Saugerties, was recently celebrating seeing snowflakes. We have ice forming on the ponds and Mt. Hood has a new pristine cloak of snow out here in Oregon, but you may have seen snowflakes swirling around you in NY before I see them swirling here around me at the base of Mt. Hood. The last post I published had a similar theme to your post today. I was upset over a blunder I made, but in the end I hope I err by being obnoxiously Pollyanna-ish rather then tangled in the negatives of life. I am thankful for the beautiful in my life and yours, and wish us both joy in our days ahead :)
I did see snowflakes last night, Gracie. And there was a wee bit of snow on the ground – just in a few spots.
Thanks for this post. It came exactly at the right time. I have just been through this with my parents especially mom during the last several years of her life. Yes please let me remember and be like my parents as they were during their younger years not the last chapter of their time on earth. Let me rather follow my grandmother who the last 8 years of her life was silenced by a stroke but continued to live with grace, dignity and a smile on her face. Oh the unknown paths we have yet to travel…..
Yes indeed, Cindy.
This is such a great post, Claudia…I think we all go through hard things in life, and it really is all about how we deal with them. A few years ago, after going through a lot of bad stuff, I made the decision to concentrate on the good in life. One of the things that helped me the most was forgiving (and I mean REALLY forgiving and LETTING GO) those who had caused me great pain. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done, and allowed ME to be truly happy. I have come to realize that I can’t change other people, only my reaction to them…and I accept them for the people they are, faults and all.
Forgiving is key, I think. I’m still working on that with a few people… That is a wonderful thing you have done, Linda. And it’s made your life infinitely better!
So interesting to read your post. I spent last Saturday with my sister and some comments she made had me wondering if we grew up in the same household. She remembered things one way and I don’t remember them in the same way at all. But fortunately, both my parents were half -full people as am I and both my children.
I thought it was interesting too that I read your post in light of a conversation I had with my daughter yesterday. I am 65 and she is 32. She just moved back to town and was at the birthday party for the son of her best guy friend from childhood. The party was at the home of his parents who are near our age. They were talking about the additions they had just made to their home and how they made sure it would be livable for them in their 90’s. Another old friend chimed in that his parents made sure their remodel was wheelchair accessible for their future. KC told me it is hitting her hard to realize that her own parents and the adults she grew up with are now in their senior years. My son’s comment was that he was glad that our house didn’t smell like “old people” lived there.
Aging is hard enough for me – oh, my aching bones! But, our children are having difficulty with it too.
Aging is no walk in the park, Carol. I agree.
My ‘lost’ sister perceives things very differently than my other sister and me. And I am eight years older than her, so I was around and saw everything. I don’t know where her wildly skewed perceptions come from but she’s talking about some other reality, I think.
I love this post. This is something I think about an awful lot as well. I can very easily fall into negative thinking, and have been struggling with it, particularly recently. It is a choice, each day, to look for the positive and the beautiful in the world – which are so abundant – once you train your eyes to see in a different way. You’re right, Claudia, it is not always easy and I fail a lot too. But I keep trying.
Thank you for this post. I love you!
It IS a choice. Somedays it’s not so easy to make that choice. But I do think the more we see the positive in our lives, the easier it gets.
I love you, too, Julie. xo