I’m not going to lie to you. The past month or so has been Tough. Stressful. Worrisome. Sad. Fearful.
Oh, I could go on and on with that list.
In fact, you might have a list not unlike mine. Everyone has a list.
(That list also includes Happy, by the way.)
I’ve lost my mother. A dear friend and colleague of ours, the man who directed Don in Pygmalion and with whom I worked several times, died. A friend of Don’s has been diagnosed with ALS. We’re worried about work or rather, lack of work, and money.
Yesterday was a particularly hard day, which started off with learning that a dear friend of mine has cancer. Then another thing happened that sent Don and I into worry/stress mode. From there, I stayed in a place which was fear-filled and tense. So when I reacted to something else that happened later in the afternoon, I came from a place of fear, rather than peace.
I won’t get into the details, but suffice to say that instead of waiting before I reacted to an email, I immediately responded. That is never a good thing. I should have been more business-like. Later in the evening, when I reread my response, I was ashamed of myself.
That was not the real me speaking. But it was, indeed, the fearful me speaking. And I’m never at peace when fear takes over.
This is a lesson I have learned and relearned my whole life long. You’d think that by this point in my life, I would have learned it for good. No more coming from fear. Wait for a few hours before I respond to anything that upsets me. If you asked me for advice on how to respond to something, I would tell you to take a deep breath and wait before you react. I’ve given that advice more times than I can count.
Apparently, I don’t always take my own advice.
I made amends, or at least, I hope that I made amends. I apologized.
But I find it particularly daunting to be at this stage of my life, supposedly mature and wise with many life lessons learned, only to backslide and find myself back at the bottom of the hill. Is life an endless set of lessons to be learned? Is it like the movie Groundhog Day, where you find yourself repeating the same events, the same lessons, over and over? Do we ever gain even a modicum of wisdom?
I know that I am certainly wiser than I was as a twenty-something. I hope that I am more loving, more kind, more of everything that is good. But I am only human. I make mistakes. Though the perfectionist in me doesn’t want to admit any shortcomings, I have them. Boy, do I have them.
I am sure that fear is the most lethal of emotions. Fear breeds ignorance and hate and disrespect and knee-jerk reactions and defensiveness and all things negative. Fear is the absence of love. Love should be all. Love breeds peace and joy and respect and care and all things positive and good.
I know all of that in my head and, a lot of the time, in my heart. But not all of the time, which is what happened to me yesterday. Today I woke up feeling chagrined but determined to do and be better.
Do you find yourself relearning the same lessons? Do you stumble along the way?
I sure do.
Happy Thursday.
Claudia, fear is such an overwhelming feeling, one of the most overwhelming, I believe. And when we are grieving, fear takes unfair advantage. Of course, it is always better to step back, breathe and consider your response, but who among us always does that? As a counselor, it is my go to phrase, “calm down first”, but as a person I’d slip up occasionally. Years of practice have made it second nature, then grief happened. Don’t beat yourself up, just forgive and go on. And I’m so sorry life is rough right now, one would think at our age the going would be smoother. Hedy
One would think so, Hedy! That doesn’t seem to be the case for so many of us. But today is a new day, my friend.
Claudia,
Give yourself a break dear girl. We all are in the same boat of trying and sometimes failing to be our best selves. I am currently going through a life transition (retiring) and can find myself all tied up with worry about how my hubby and I will fare in this new stage of life in the blink of an eye when the least little thing happens to rock my boat. What I am learning to do is live in THIS moment! I have seen some positive change by just stopping when fear grips me and reminding myself that this moment is the one I have and I do not want to spend it in fear. Some days I say it like a mantra over and over. So we are all in a state of perpetual learning and relearning…….you will have lots of opportunities to do it better next time!
Peace to you (and Don).
Don always says that this moment is the only truth, the only moment we have. Good advice, my friend. Thank you.
Oooh, Claudia, you are not alone, not by a long shot. We all make mistakes, overreact, let fear get the better of us, react with emotion instead of level headedness more often than any of use would like. As you said, we’re human. There’s no such thing as perfection. But there is understanding, compassion, sincere regret, and making amends, moving forward, starting again, starting a new day with a different approach. You do that marvelously, so cut yourself slack and realize you are the best you can with what you’ve got… and.. you’ve got each other. Amen. I hope the coming weeks bring you some relief and good news and a better feeling for the future.
Thank you, Karen. Thank goodness, we can start fresh on a new day.
Be Gentle with Yourself….You are doing the best you can right now. Cindy
Thank you, Cindy. Good advice.
Claudia, You are human. We probably all have done something similar. I ask God everyday to make me the woman he wants me to be. To help me to be patient and kind. You are still grieving your loss. Now to hear more depressing news. We want to be strong, but first we have to cry at times. You are in my thoughts today. xoxo,Susie
Thank you, Susie. That means a great deal!
Claudia, I read your blog faithfully because you are smart, authentic, and human. You have just lost your mother and you have additional losses to grieve. I have found fear and the accompanying fallout are part of grieving. Treat yourself with gentleness and forgiveness. You are an admirable and lovable human being.
Thank you, Carolyn Marie. I’m trying to do just that very thing today.
dear claudia….please don’t be so HARD on YOURSELF…you are a VERY kind, sweet, lovable person who has sooooo much to offer in this world of utter chaos…your blog gives me hope, laughter, tears, and so on..ANYONE who can do that in TODAY’s world is an AWESOME person, and has something going for them…you have been thru the ROUGHEST part of your life…you have had a MAJOR loss….i am so sorry about all the SAD news you have had added to that….try not to worry dear friend..GOD is there..HE will take care of you in a way no one else can…you are blessed..you have don at your side, and ALL of us here in “cyber” land…be kind to yourself as you are to others…we love you claudia and we are praying that everything turns to YOUR favor!!! love you girl!!! p.s..AND you have a faithful 4-legged friend at your side!!!
Thank you, dear Sharon! What would I do without all of you???
all day…..every day…..!
I do the same thing then kick myself for not waiting until I’ve calmed down before reacting.
Sorry you’re going through a tough time :(
~Lori
Not that I wish that on you, Lori, but I do take comfort in the fact that there are others relearning the same lessons!
Claudia, I have been out of my blogging loop for a few months and I am so sorry to hear about your loses, especially your Mother. Sometimes it just seems overwhelming. I have a co worker who’s husband has ALS..it has been painful for all of us to watch how her life has changed. Thinking of you and your loved ones.
Thank you, Ann. I hope all is well with you.
My dear, do not beat yourself up. There are many stages of grieving and you are only following along those stages. You are also human! We all make mistakes…but, only loving, compassionate, and caring people have the capacity to admit to their mistakes and apologize. Today, I hope the universe sees fit to gift you with only happy news and thoughts. Find something to laugh about today—it truly is the best medicine.
I guarantee we will laugh at some point today. And maybe more than once! xo
Claudia,
Try to give yourself some slack. You’ve been on an emotional roller coaster these past few weeks. All the emotions bottled up inside you have to come out, unfortunately, it came out in the form of “testy” email. Since you apologized, it is now the recipient who has to deal with how he/she wants to react to the situation.
At the of the day, you’re still the kind, beautiful person your parents raised you to be and the person I enjoy reading about.
I’m here for you no matter what.
Vanessa
Thank you, dear Vanessa. That means the world to me.
We all have failures. The really bad thing is if we don’t admit to our failures and/or refuse to and don’t apologize, when needed. You may have slipped and who among us doesn’t! I think most fear comes from not having “the peace that passes understanding” which can only come from our creator – God. Fear does not always mean the absence of love. It is obvious you are a loving person. My wish is that you will receive some special blessings that will make life a bit easier for you.
Betty
Thank you, Betty. Peace. That’s what I’m aiming for.
Good morning, dear Claudia. Oh, you bet I have my shortcomings and that I stumble. I have responded to emails with knee-jerk reactions too, instead of waiting and taking some breaths and getting my head back on straight. When we’re feeling fearful, our normal immediate reaction is to lash out. You have a lot going on right now with mourning the death of your mother, finances, and ill friends. I hope that taking hikes with Don or working in the yard helps alleviate some of the stress and fear you’re feeling right now. Have you tried mediation? I don’t do it often enough, but it does help. How often do we get the time – or make the time – to just sit and breathe? I am leaving for my yoga class in 20 minutes and part of it includes some relaxation/mediation, so I’m really looking forward to it. Blessings to you.
Oops, not mediation…forgot that other “t”…meditation! :-)
I have tried it, but I’m not so good at it, Melanie! But I know I need to work at it. Thank you, my friend.
My late mentor, the wisest man I’ve ever known, wrote me the sagest advice on a scrap of paper when I was bemoaning my fate and fear of entering into something that I felt I was ill equipped to do. It has governed my life: “I give you the right to fail. “
A very wise man, indeed, Tina. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this, Claudia. My gosh, at this stage in our lives, you would think we’d paid our dues and wouldn’t have to take any more tests! But we do. Still learning. You are kind to share your experience, and while I’m sorry you had to go through it, I take comfort that I’m not alone.
You are definitely not alone, Karen!
Dear Claudia, A very wise person once told me,”You cannot have fear and faith at the same time”.
Losing my Mother was the worst time of my life! (and you know I’ve had some bad times.) I thought for sure I was going crazy, Anxiety/Fear took about 30 minutes to invade my mind. Don’t panic,The other person involved in the e-mail,isn’t perfect either.After all, there has only ever been one perfect person. -Judy A-
But we all want to be, don’t we? It’s hard to cut ourselves some slack.
I can relate to everything you are writing. It happens. If you are wiser and kinder, be kind to yourself. You may have mada a mistake. Today, tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to do it better. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone through hard times. Focus on the happy. I know it is hard (a lesson I have to learn too). You are fortunate because you are creative. It helps a lot when you must find solution for any problem. Thinking of you anf sending some hugs, Regula
Thank you, sweet Regula. Mistakes are made. We make amends and move on, right?
You say that you remind yourself and other folks to take a deep breath…well my constant sage advice is the power of forgiveness, the power of grace. Forgive yourself, make amends and find the grace. There is grace in our failures, in our apologies, even in our grief. As we mourn we are in a state of grace as we visit with our loved ones in our hearts.
And yes, girlfriend, you will always bewalking up a hill and at times sliding down..After all you live on Mockingbird HIll don’t you? <3
Perfect! I DO live on Mockingbird Hill! Thank you, my friend.
Claudia, you are a very wise woman. You realized that you needed to make amends, and you did. You must now take care of yourself as you grieve your losses. As a therapist, I can tell you that you’ve had more than your fair share to deal with. Hugs.
Thank you so much, Sandra. I’m vowing to be kinder to myself.
When someone chose “The Golden Years” as a label to describe this time in our lives, they must have been about 30 years old and had a case of wishful thinking. We begin to lose our parents, other relatives, and our friends at this point in time. The sad and sometimes tragic diagnosis to family and friends become too frequent. It surely is not what I was anticipating when I thought of what my life would be like at age 64. I do know that peace is my goal. I am way over the drama of family and friends, and when I encounter it I am totally drained. So, forgive yourself for your stumble yesterday. And as Don says, concentrate on, and find the truth in, this moment in time. We can all hope to do better going forward, but I know that personally, when I keep re-living the events of yesterday, I miss today completely.
I hope your day today is filled with peace!!
Such wisdom, Chris. And I do have a tendency to relive the events of yesterday or even an hour ago. Thank you.
Do I stumble along the way??..Honey I stumble..fall..and roll down the hill at times..lol..If someone in your life stumbles..do you not forgive them..help them up..dust them off and move on??..Will you not do the same for yourself??..Hugs
I try to forgive others – not always so successful at that! But I do my best, my friend.
I must tell you about something as I know you have strong feelings about this..I received an email from Change.org today..There is a new petition being signed to protect exotic animals from circus abuse..It also shows a video taken of elephants being “trained” as in being abused and forced to do things against their will..This so called trainer is unbelievably cruel..it is very hard to watch but should be seen by everyone..I have signed this petition and thought you might be interested in seeing it..
Claudia, grief and worry tend to take over our minds. Not to mention our hearts. ‘
This is what I think abut worry and fear…I believe it is Satan at work trying to remove my faith in God. I know that God will provide me with everything I need. I might have to wait until the very last desperate moment, but God will always come through. I do’t know if you pray or even if you believe, but I would be on my knees about now.
In my family and circle f friends I am known for my bluntness. Err, lack of tact. Over the years I have really put my foot in it sometimes, and didn’t care. I am trying to change. Sometimes I get bite marks on my tongue from not saying anything or times I just blurt out what I am thinking. I, we are humans who are imperfect because oh our humanness. But, we can learn and learn it again.
Thank you, Trudy. Prayer takes many forms and I believe that trying to be the best person you can be and asking for the grace to do that is a form of prayer. And angels come in many forms, among them all of you.
Please don’t beat your self up Claudia…I’ve certainly made my share of mistakes…we all have. I think that’s how we really learn. And, you’d think as we age, there would be less to learn…but it evidently doesn’t work that way. Waiting, and cooling down…sound advice. But, do we always follow our own advice? Not always! You’ve had more than your share of grief and troubles. I suppose the accepted word here would be challenges. You made amends…now forgive yourself. And dig in the dirt…always works for me!;)
It’s raining! But maybe I can dig in the dirt later, Donna. Thank you.
Claudia, we are human, we stumble and fall / fail and then go on. The lessons we learn are the important part…even if we have to learn them over and over. I find stress puts me in a place I do not like. I am not kind, I am not patient and I am rough on myself. I have to re-learn this lesson all the time…to take a break and be kind to myself. You are one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met (not in person, but I feel like we are friends for sure) and I admire your honesty and your willingness to share with us. We all learn with you.
hugs,
Linda
We are friends indeed, Linda. And the same goes for me. I learn from all of you. I don’t know what I’d do without you!
Dear Friend, as I look back at my life since 2005 I feel much the same as you do. At that point, my Daddy’s Alzheimer’s was steadily progressing. He was hospitalized with aspiration pneumonia and at the very same time my husband David was going through a cardiac event brought on by the stress over his family’s custody battles over his mentally incompetent mother. Every day our phone would ring constantly with either news of my Daddy’s condition or frantic calls from my in-laws over the court battles. Our fax machine went non-stop with letters from attorneys ~ and there were 7 of them involved down in Houston. I had continuous meltdowns over the stress which did not let up. I cried every day. Daddy spent a month in rehab and recovered and went home only to fall and fracture three ribs. My whole life was focused on nursing him through the pain and trying to reduce my Mom’s anxiety. It was a nightmare. I was short with people. I was rude. I hated myself for becoming a person I did not know. Looking back I realize that I was reacting to all of the stress in the worst possible way. I wish I could explain to you why life deals these consistent blows at a time when we are stretched beyond our capacity to cope. But it does. Please forgive yourself. We all know the good, sweet, kind and gentle Claudia. She’s still there and I have every confidence in you.
Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley
When there is continual stress, whether it consists of small things or major life events, it takes its toll. You have been through an extremely stressful several years, my friend. And for what it’s worth, I think you handle all of it with grace. Thank you so much for your support.
I think we all do, Claudia.
S
xo
I guess we all have that in common, Sue.
I have to be on alert for signs of fear creeping into my life at all times. It’s helpful to me to remember a quote I once heard. “Of the 10 things you worry about the most, 8 never happen and the ninth winds up being a good thing”. It lets me calm down and let things unfold as they should.
Thank you for that quote, Maureen! As a worrier since childhood, I would do well to remember that.
Claudia, a good friend of mine reminded me today about being as patient and kind to myself as I am to others. II am passing on that wise guidance to you. We are allowed to slip and fall, because we will get back up and be better for it all.
Thank you, Mandy, I suspect that most of us aren’t as kind to ourselves as we should be!
Oh Claudia, thank you so much for this post. I’m so sorry for everything you’re experiencing right now, especially grieving for your Mother. I miss my Mom more than ever right now, I keep thinking she’s the only person who would provide me with the comfort I need as I go through some very tough times. It does help to know there are many of us experiencing difficulty. Like others have said, by this time (53), I would have thought I’d be in a better place, but I’m starting over again, and it’s a challenge. All the best to you Claudia, I hope much joy is in store for you.
And for you, too, Kim.
I know what you mean. When I am fear mode I really have to watch what I say. With my mom’s cancer I have been in fear mode alot and have had to bite my tounge alot. I seem to lash out more. Then feel bad. Maybe in a way I am a control freak and don’t know how to handle things that I can’t “control”. I have been more quiet lately as I know that sometimes lately things have come out of my mouth that I would not normally say.
I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough path right now. Hopefully things will settle down soon for you. Hugs, Teresa
Fear mode can be lethal, Teresa. I understand. I, too, am one who needs to be in control of everything and when I’m not, I don’t handle it well.
What a tough time! Fear and sorrow can overwhelm you and render you vulnerable to all kinds of fears. For those who work as writers, actors, artists or in any creative endeavor, the constant worry about when (or whether) the next work will come along proves draining. That’s especially tough when you’re already overwhelmed. I hope you can be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend who confessed to dashing off an angry email in such circumstances.
Yes, the profession we are in is a tough one in terms of instability and uncertainty. But that’s where are talents lie, so we have to continually deal with all of the above. Hopefully, with some grace.
I’m not going to be able to read through all these responses, so I hope I’m not rehashing.
I had to smile in the midst of my sympathetic reading because there was that familiar
feeling. “Haven’t I learned that yet?” is a frequent question I ask myself, though not as
often as a couple of decades ago. The most experienced musicians hit a bad note,
now and then. You’re playing beautifully. :)
(Did you feel prayed for on Monday & Tuesday? ;) I didn’t realise we would be so far north of your area. )
How far north were you? Thank you so much for your prayers, my friend.
The closest was about 70 miles north of you. You are very welcome.
Dear Sweet Claudia – I certainly stumble and fall flat on my face at least once a day it seems. Give yourself a break if you do it occasionally! There are so many times that life is just so unbearable that we lose it and then regret our actions. But, God doesn’t expect us to be perfect – after all, we are humans. I have taken so many deep breaths in the last couple of years that I keep thinking I don’t know if I can take one more thing. But, you know, we live thru all of those things and learn from each one of them. You have had so much with your Mother, Don being gone so long, Scout being sick, etc. that you have a right to lose it now and then, ok?
Praying for peace and contentment in your life. Tell Don and Scout hi for me!
Judy
Thank you, my friend. As you well know, life can hand us a lot of curve balls and it sometimes takes a toll. I think you handle everything with great grace, dear Judy. Praying for you, as well.
Who?? Me??? Nuuuuu, not at all. I’m perfect!
xoxo,
Connie
And so you are!
xoxo
We are all painfully human, sweet friend, and you have been going through such a stressful time. My heart goes out to you. Added to all of it is the money worries. I know that is enough to put me over the edge. It is a constant battle for those of us who are self employed. I hope things ease up for you. xo Laura
Thank you, Laura. I know you understand.
Difficult times often bring out some of our worst traits, etc. Three years ago I went through several months that were the worst of my entire life. My mom had just passed, I lost my job of 22+ years, lost my health insurance, my dad’s health went into a downward spiral, as I prepared to relocate the place I was moving to fell through the day before the move. I won’t even mention my dismal financial situation, and that I moved from family member to family member while I spent 4 months homeless (or maybe I did just mention it, LOL). This too shall pass Claudia, but in the meantime, let us support you and Don with our prayers and encouragement through your beautiful blog <3
Oh bless you, Debbie. You’ve been through so much. I’m so very sorry. I hope life is much better for you now. Thank you for your kind words.
When it rains, it pours, and you are going through a lot of grief and heartache. It gets better, but it never goes away.
Five years ago, my mother suddenly died. It was so hard that I couldn’t say goodbye and be with her. Then, three months later, my beautiful, bright, imaginative grandson died in a tragic accident Memorial Day weekend. That was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. The pain of the loss, and the pain of seeing my daughter and her family devastated, was a lot to deal with.
A good friend told me that I was blessed to have other grandsons and should be grateful. I know she didn’t mean to be hurtful, but the comment discounted my feelings, and the importance of each individual child, and the love we have for each child. I had to remind myself that she didn’t realize her comment was inappropriate. I didn’t confront her, and I forgave her, but I will never forget how that made me feel.
As we get older, we will have lots of loss and it is not going to get any easier, but we will deal with it the best we can, and go on. We will get through and even be happy at times and sad at others. Life is definitely a “roller coaster”.
The bad days make the good days even better.
nancyr
Oh Nancy, such heartbreak! I’m so very sorry. To have lost two loved ones in the space of 3 months…I have no words.
We get through these losses, but we are changed forever. xo
Oh, but you have learned. You apologized. the young you (or actually, I’m thinking of me) would have turned flips to justify my first reaction. Apologies feel good on both sides – you give a good example to the person you reacted to, and you are right where you should be.
You have a point. I would have done the exact thing you mention when I was younger. Thank you for reminding me of that. That makes me feel better. Thank you.
Claudia,
So many losses in such a short time…so very sorry. Anger is part of the grieving process… no matter how old we are, we continue to stumble over it. I guess the trick is to do our best to wipe off the bruises and get back up. I appreciate how honest you were in this post so much. Wishing you better days…Cheryl
Be easy on yourself, we all do that all of the time. I am always relearning things about myself, I try to change my response but when fear gets in the way it is hard.
Sending yo a hug,
Meredith
After reading this post, I just wanted to give you a gentle hug. We are continual works in progress, aren’t we? Be kind to yourself, dear Claudia.
I know exactly what you mean. I keep thinking I have mastered a particular trait that I hate when oops, there it is again. This is a reason why I hate talking on the phone. I tend to run at the mouth when something upsets me. I have told everyone to e-mail or facebook me because I don’t answer the phone. At 65 I should be able to control myself and for the most part I do, but when my life is stressing me, things get by me. I have been dealing with breast cancer for the last few months and most anything upsetting can set me off, but like the last 50 years, I am trying to deal with upsetting things in a healthier way. Let’s just keep trying, shall we Claudia?
Tana
claudia
please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers… life sometimes isnt kind… but as i see in your posts you are a strong loving
woman and there are many blessings around you also…. and remember the sun will rise again tomorrow and hopefully the
warmth will shine upon your soul and brighten you a bit… life is rough all around im supposing… i also have been struggling these months with health issues.. (two blood transfusions since christmas) and hubby was laid off… looking for insurance.. so i know your worries and stress.. sending gentle thoughts and love
xoxo
lynnl
Absolutely-over and over and over-but each time I gain a little more insight into myself and give myself more forgiveness as well as others.