This is my favorite picture of my mom. She was in her late teens when it was taken.
I’m not officially back yet – that will be tomorrow – but I wanted to take a moment to thank you for all the loving and kind messages you have left here on the blog, on the blog’s Facebook page and in private emails. They mean a great deal to me.
I’m still trying to accept the reality that my mother is no longer here; still profoundly and deeply sad. I’m so grateful that Don is here. Just a little over 2 weeks ago, he was far away in Boston. Having him here has been a blessing. While Meredith and I try to come to terms with the loss of our mother, we are also trying to help Dad come to terms with a world that no longer has the woman he loved and adored for 68 years in it. And we are once again dealing with the fact that our estranged sister (her choice) has made absolutely no contact with Meredith or me, even in the face of losing our mother. It’s a mystery that will never be solved but it left its mark on my mother – just as it has left its mark on my father. There is obviously a back story to this – I wrote about it in a post called The Lost Sister. The loss of my mother has brought all that pain and anger to the surface once again.
So I’m wrestling with pain and loss. I’m awash in memories of my mom. I’ve been calling relatives and friends to tell them of Mom’s passing. I’ve walked in our woods. I’ve sobbed in Don’s arms. I’ve worked on the dollhouse. But mostly, I’ve been quietly honoring my mom, talking to her, telling her I love and miss her.
I’ve missed blogging, the daily ritual of writing a post. I’ve missed all of you. It will be strange, however, to be writing any sort of normal post tomorrow. I guess I’ll just jump in – like getting back on the horse when you’ve fallen.
I also want to remind those of you who are taking part in the Christmas Critter Felt Along that this month’s installment of our linky party is today. Dawn has kindly taken over this month’s linky party so that I can have some time off. The link to the party is here.
Thanks so much.
I’ve thought of you each day since you posted of your mom’s passing. I lost my mom a little over 3 years ago, and my dad just over a year ago. It is hard, sad, and absolutely a very strange feeling when realizing they are gone … really gone. Like you, I had pretty much “lost” my mom a couple of years before she passed. Still, she was here, and I took some type of comfort in that. It will take a while before “normal” returns … give yourself that time. One of the first things I thought of, after reading that post, “I’m glad Don is back home!” I’m so sorry this has also been a painful reminder of the situation with your sister :( I will continue to remember you, Don, Meredith, your dad, and the rest of your family in prayer <3
Yes, it’s the knowing that she really isn’t here any longer. It’s hard to grasp, especially as there is to be no memorial service per her request. We are honoring that, but it makes closure a bit harder.
Claudia, I am sorry for your loss. I see from your mom’s photo where you got your looks. Beautiful… You are your mother’s daughter….always. I am thankful that your Don is home with you . Blessings and prayers, xoxo,Susie
Thank you, Susie
Sometimes there truly are no words to say…I feel I can not add to anything, but I can let you know that I send you ((hugs)) and that I am so very sorry for your loss. You and Mere are such sweet and lovely ladies who fill the world with love…and I know that all started from your Mom.
((hugs))
Oh, thank you so much!
Dear Claudia, you have been ever present in my thoughts these past days. I’m so glad Don is home with you, to hold you and support you. I lost my mom in 1996 and miss her so very much every day.
Sending love, lots and lots of hugs, a hand to hold, and an ear to listen.
Sally
Thank you, Sally.
Thinking of you, Claudia, of love, loss and family rifts. Take care of yourself.
Karen
Thank you, Karen.
Claudia, I am not a great writer but I know your memories of your Mom will always be in your heart. Take care, Doris
Thank you, Doris.
Claudia, I’ve been thinking about you. I’m so glad Don is home with you. Sending healing thoughts your way.
Thank you, Kathy.
I’ve been thinking of you every day. I am so thankful Don is there with you. You look so much like your Mom….that is a beautiful picture of her. Take care of yourself. Hugs.
Thank you, Donna.
Claudia, I’m so sorry for your loss….
Thank you, Manuela.
Claudia, your mom is just beautiful. I’m so glad Don was back from Boston for you as well. I was in the same situation as you, watching my father deal with the loss of my Mom after she passed, and I know that you and Meredith will be a great comfort to your Dad. Thinking of you always,
XO Donna
Thank you, Donna.
Claudia, I was sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I lost my youngest son, a little over a month ago. He was only 39 years old. It was completely unexpected and we still feel partly in shock. But I know we will see him again some day and God has lifted our hearts during this time of sorrow. I miss him so much!
I am sorry about your other sister and the pain involved. We have also been through a similar situation in our family.
Praying for comfort for you during this time .
Diane
Oh, Diane. I am so very sorry. You have my deepest sympathy. Wishing for you comfort and solace.
Claudia I’ve thought of you daily and prayed for your peace. This loss will always be with you but time will ease it some what. I still miss my Dad every day. As I’m here with my Mom and trying to deal with moving her closer to me I am thankful I will have a little more time with her. Big hugs sweet friend.
Linda
Thank you, Linda.
Claudia, I haven’t visited you in so long, and here I find the saddest news. I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved mother. I can read your heartache through your post… truly beautifully written. You and your loved ones are going through such a difficult time right now~ it is good that you are taking some time to honor your Mother. Think of all the joy she brought into your life, all the love, all the special moments you shared. It helps, I promise. Take care of yourself. with love, Mercedes
Thank you so much, Merecedes.
Claudia, we understand and have all shared in this process of loss. If I have learned anything it is that it is different for everyone, and that we all react, mourn and heal in our own way and we must just let it come as it will.
Take your time, there should be no expectations of others or yourself. Blog if you wish, don’t if you do not wish to. As for your lost sister, she is fighting her own demons and you must take comfort that you’ve tried for years but no one can ram down that door. Your father and sister need you, as you need them. Once again, my lessons hard learned….”The power of forgiveness, the power of grace.” Find the grace of your beautiful Mom who you love and resemble and stay in the warmth of that grace. It will see you through. <3
Wise words, my friend. Thank you.
Bless you dear Claudia! This post brought me to tears because it touched my heart so deeply. Thinking of you and your family and praying for some measure of peace for you all.
Thank you, Janie.
Have had you and your family on my mind each day, knowing how hard it is to come to grips with all the feelings that losing a parent brings. With Don’s shoulder to lean on I know you will be OK.
Your mom was a beautiful woman Claudia.
With love, Mary
Thank you, Mary.
Claudia,
Pls know I am keeping you and Meredith and both of your families close in my thoughts.
I see such a resemblance of you in your mom’s photo.
love and peace,
Beth
I know. I look very much like my mother. Thank you, Beth.
Claudia – You have been in my prayers daily and will continue to be. Blessings and peace to you.
Judy
Thank you, Judy.
Claudia, take the time you need. We will still be here. Do whatever you must to find comfort and peace.
Thank you, Carolyn Marie.
you look a lot like your Mother, I lost mine a few years ago , so sorry
Thank you, Barbara.
Claudia, there’s never a way to be prepared for their loss. I know how painful a time it is for you and the family. I’m glad Don is back home with you, Annette Tracy
Thank you, Annette.
Claudia, you are a spot-on copy of your beautiful Mom. I know that she’ll continue to live in the hearts of all those who loved her. Praying too for your “lost” sister. What a tragic situation. I’m not a mental health professional but it does sound like an organic problem that could be made infinitely better – if not entirely-solved – with the correct medicine and possibly counseling. I pray that your sister will soon recognize that she needs – and deserves – help to end her pain – and your family’s.
Both Meredith and I are sure there is a chemical imbalance of some kind. But until she seeks help, our hands are tied.
My dear friend..Even though I miss you terribly..I only want what is best for you..do not rush back for our sake as we will still be here waiting no matter how long..Then again..knowing a bit about you tells me that you would probably feel much better if you do write and get your feelings out..What a beautiful lady she was..Hugs..
I think I need to write about the dollhouse and everyday things, as well as about my mom. It’s therapeutic for me – cathartic.
She was very beautiful.
Dear Claudia, I just came from Meredith’s blog where I learned of your mom’s passing and want to extend my condolences. Loss is never easy, no matter the circumstance. The blessing with your mom is that there was time to process the fact that she would be gone. I do believe that helps, although some people think the opposite. They feel like it prolongs our own suffering. I’ve dealt with both with my in-laws. My MIL died of cancer. She found out in November of 2004 and was gone by June of 2005. We took care of her right up until the very end. And besides my FIL, my husband and I were the last ones to see her before she passed. My FIL, a year and a half later, died of congestive heart failure. It took a very long time for my brain to process the fact that he was actually gone. He was okay one day and gone the next.
As for family members who disappear. We all have them. My mom and her brother and sisters haven’t heard from their sister Nancy since their mom died over 30 years ago. She blamed them all for something, they never quite figured out what, but that was the end of that. She was gone. My dad stopped speaking to me the same year that my MIL died, Hurricane Katrina happened, and my uncle passed away (also from cancer). Good thing I’m smart enough to realize that the problem is his and his alone and has nothing to do with me. Death comes in many ways.
You and Meredith are two of the kindest, most positive, down to earth people here in blogland and you have a lot of love and support from all of us who stop to chat and visit. Sending you hugs and blessing of peace and comfort. Tammy
“Death comes in many ways.” Very wise words, my friend. Thank you for them. We’ve never figured it out and never will, I suppose. And yes, it is her problem, not ours. I’m sorry about the loss of your MIL and FIL and for the estrangement tom your father. xo
Claudia – the pictures of your Mother are so beautiful. I can see where you get your beauty
Take the time you need to grieve and know that your blog friends are always with you. xo J
Thank you, Julie.
So sorry Claudia. Losing your mother is one of the hardest things we face in life’s journey. May your deep love help you find peace soon.
Thank you, Mandy.
I loved your mom so much. I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive or loving aunt. She was a blessing to me so many times. Your dad is so lucky to have you and Meridith – your parents’ love was one to be envied and this will be so hard for him. I guess I choose to think that she is with Dave and my parents right now, maybe having a glass of wine and smiling down at all of us.
Love you,
Eileen
I continue to pray for you, Meredith and your Dad. I know from personal experience how devastating the loss of your Mom is. I also know that nothing I can say will make the pain go away, but maybe it will help to know that a you are thought of and cared for.
Blessings,
Betsy
Been away for a week, just catching up on posts and so very sorry to hear of your loss. Yes, there is such a deep longing when we lose our mothers. That first year found me so often saying to hubs on Sunday evenings, “guess I will go call mom” as was our routine, only to stop and catch myself. As trite as it sounds, time does indeed ease our loss. This many years later, I sometimes sense her presence in the swaying cedars or beside me on the porch swing-her porch swing in fact. Hoping your pain eases and that you too, will soon be comforted by her presence perhaps by the kiss of a warm spring breeze on your cheek or feeling her close, watching over as you plunge your hands into the soil so ready to nourish new and tender plants. Then may you experience the transition from this new and oh so tender pain over to nourishing, sweet and distinct memories as you grow stronger, just like plants, day by day.
Sincerely,
Chris
Come back when you are ready. Don’t rush it. We’ll wait.
Thinking of you.
Tana
I am so sorry for your loss, Claudia!
Oh Claudia, I’m so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a beautiful woman and she has made a wonderful woman of you. Blessings, Heather
I’m so very sorry about the loss of your beautiful mother. Blessings.
Dear Claudia,
I am on a trip and just now am checking your blog. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your Mom. It is so tough to lose a beloved parent. My Mom has been gone ten years and my Dad 32 years and I miss them both so much. Also, so sorry that your sister has not reached out, that must be painful and hard. Sending love and prayers. Big hug, Liz
Claudia, I continue to hold you close in my heart. I am so saddened by your loss of your dear mother. My mother has dementia, and she has been living with us for almost 24 years. My father died in 1986. All these stages of life can be so difficult while teaching us at the same time.
You look so much like your mother in the photos you have shared. I know what a treasure she must have been for you, and the joy you gave her for many years. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.