She’s not here.
It really hit me last night and I cried and cried. Everything we do is linked somehow to a memory of Scout. We had to catch ourselves several times on the way home; we’d think of arriving at the cottage and then immediately think that Scout would be waiting for us.
Thousands of times a day. Thousands of times a day.
I truly don’t know what to do with myself. For the past two years or so, most of my time was spent taking care of Scout. She was the focus of my days. I have all sorts of ideas floating around in my head about things I can do or projects I can start. But I can’t go there yet. And so I do the obvious things like cleaning and making the bed and then I hit the wall. I hit the wall last night and Don held me in his arms while I cried for my girl, cried for the absence of the joy that made up every fiber of her being, cried for the child I mothered.
It’s only been a month and half. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Our vacation was wonderful and much-needed. We had a terrific time in Florida and on the road. But, here we are, back at the ranch – and our girl isn’t here.
We’re in the middle of that strange time when it’s officially spring but nothing can be done outside for another month or so. I have a feeling that working in the garden will help me. Nurturing my gardens, watching things grow, taking care of everything – that’s what I need.
But I can’t do that yet, so I mother my indoor plants in the meantime.
The overwintering impatiens and the baby spider plant that I potted yesterday.
The overwintering geranium that has bloomed for the second time!
The snake plant/mother-in-law’s tongue that I brought back from Florida. Meredith and I have determined that it’s at least 45 years old. My parents had it in my childhood home, then it moved up to northern Michigan when they retired, then it moved to their condo in Florida, then it moved to Meredith’s house and now it’s with me. There’s another one that is just as old and Meredith has it at her house. Nurtured for years by my parents, this plant is priceless.
That condo, by the way, is now on its way to being sold. We accepted an offer yesterday and Meredith signed the papers. I showed the condo to Don while we there. It was strange being there: empty, nothing left that belonged to my parents, echoing rooms. We’re grateful that it has sold, but it marks the end of all that spoke of my parents’ presence. Now, we tie up all the loose ends, send things to the lawyer, and divide the estate.
Too much change.
Pothos in the bathroom.
The little spider plant that I bought for my Hartford apartment. I repotted it yesterday as it was getting very root bound. It’s nestled in a piece of pottery given to me by my mother.
Succulents on the kitchen table, including Riley’s Dish Garden.
There are more tucked in here and there. I’m feeling the need for even more houseplants, so don’t be surprised if you see more in the coming days.
I didn’t answer comments while I was away, but someone asked where I got the little acrylic tables that I’m going to use in my dollhouse(s). I didn’t buy them, they were a gift from Barbara who lives in Canada. They are jewelry stands, so I imagine if you google jewelry supplies or jewelry display, you might find a source for them. I hope this helps.
Happy Monday.
There are no words, Claudia. As you know, even with time things don’t get better, but it will be different, softer. Thinking of you.
Thank you, Karen. xo
It’s good to read that you enjoyed your holiday. I understand how coming home would be heart-wrenching, to say the least. It takes time and we never really get over the loss of someone we love. All these memories that flood our head throughout the day are a tribute to the loved one, be it a person, a dog, a cat. I hope that soon each and every memory of Scout brings a smile to your face as you feel the gratitude of sharing your life with her. I don’t ever want to stop thinking of our Kane and all the wonderful cats that we loved who have passed on. It still hurts, only four months for Kane, and I still look for him , but I’ll always be thankful that his memory remains in my heart forever. Spring is here and getting busy will help you . I look forward to it, too. Sending a hug, Deb
Thank you so much, Deb. I know you’re going through the same feelings because of the loss of your beautiful Kane.
That directionless feeling! It must be “for” something, but I have no idea what that would be. Sending love.
Thank you, Aunt Lou.
Claudia, I thought you and Don might have really missed Scout , the moment you open the door upon arriving home. Sorry for that ache of loss. Yes, to work out in your garden would help. I had to bring my pansies in …it frosted last night. :( I am hoping it gets warmer things week. Blessings to you, xoxo, Susie
It’s supposed to get a bit warmer this week and we’re due for lots of rain!
I’m glad to hear that you both enjoyed a much needed holiday. Florida has a way of bringing peace to me when I visit. I understand your feelings in regards to Scout. We lost our little guy Mister just this past September. He was much like your Scout and needed our full attention because of his failing health. I was home with him each day for the last 18 months only leaving really to go to the grocery store and when my husband could be with him.
We still miss him so much each day, it hurts so badly. I hear him each morning snorting and fussing. He would make these noises after eating and being settled in my chair while waiting on me to make coffee. He simply had no patience! We both loved our morning time of snuggling in Mom’s chair. Nights are the hardest I believe at bedtime. He loved nothing more than to snuggle in bed with Mom and Daddy. Oh how my heart aches.
I’m sending you warm hugs and all the good energy I can find in the hopes that you can both find peace. Find a place that is soft enough to land. And that smiles will be all that come in place of tears when you think of your beautiful girl.
I hope you get to work in your garden soon. That’s good for the soul I believe. Have a lovely day. Blessings.
Thank you so much, Belinda.
Hang in there, I know how hard it is, I cried and cried when Lucy passed, she was the last one and the house felt so empty without any dogs. I have three parrots, I love them all but it is not the same. We went to the animal shelter for a whole year just to look and talk to them all. Shoot the people at the animal shelter were getting to know us! I wasn’t ready yet to get another but I just needed to be around them even if it was only for a few minutes. When the time is right you will know if you want another. For me it was in December 2015 when I found my Maggie and she was a God send, she is perfect. As soon as it warms up enough to work in the garden that will help. Gardening is good for the soul. Your plants look so nice. I saw on fb a demo where you could take white egg cups and draw faces on them and plant succulents in them and they were so cute. I thought of you! I will see if I can find the video of it and send it to you. Take care and stay warm!
hugs to you and Don
Thank you so much, Nancy.
You and your green thumb!! Your place will look like a jungle very soon. So glad your trip was fun and relaxing. Work will get you through these tough times. So glad you will be able to get your hands in soil. I run my hands through fabric. I hit the sewing machine this weekend, making cute pillowcases for a women’s homeless shelter.
Good for you, Tana! Thank you.
Claudia, my cousin’s precious little dog Chloe who is like her baby had to have a mastectomy on Fri. She is doing well but the 50/50 chance it’s not malignant scares Rita a lot. She’d have preferred higher odds. That baby girl is beloved by their entire family. I thought of your girl when Rita told me about the surgery. Loving and nurturing are a part of who so many of us are. When the kids I babysit aren’t here they are constantly on my mind. At 61 I hope I have lots of babies still to keep, they bring so much joy into our home. I pray for healing for you and Don and as so many others are I’m looking forward to your next adventures. XOXO
Thank you so much, Janie.
Claudia, I have a few tears right now. I still look for Charlie in the window when I drive up to my home. I will forever miss him. I cuddle my Grands and that helps, but then they leave. I pet and snuggle Sam my Mom’s cat, but then I go home. No Charlie. The house is empty. I too have added some indoor plants. Nurturing something living helps it seems. Grieving is a long process I’ve found. Hugs to you and Don.
Linda
Hugs to you, dear Linda!
missing their physical presence is so hard when our loved ones have passed on, isn’t it? wishing you peace and the heart-knowledge that you all are together forever.
glad you had a wonderful trip.
kathy in iowa
Thank you, Kathy.
You have had so much loss recently. Might you get some professional help? I understand if that is not an option for you, just a suggestion. I am so glad that you have a wonderful relationship with your sister and her family. You enjoyed some very nice and well deserved vacation time.
I am a firm believer in letting myself grieve. Talking about it on the blog helps. Talking about it to my husband and friends and loved ones helps. The rest is up to time, prayer, meditation, and allowing myself to feel everything; good and bad. Thanks, Laura.
Checking in for a quick visit as I’m on my way to a funeral, but I wanted to make sure you got there safely. I’ve been checking daily for updates, and somehow I missed the one below.
I have a little gift for you and Don and want to be sure and get it in the mail this week. Was waiting till you got home. I thought about you guys going home to a home sans Scout, and I hurt for you. Wish I could give you both a big hug, but just know I’m hugging you in my heart.
xo
Sheila
Oh, thank you, Sheila. That means a lot.
I remember when I lost my last dog, I’d come home and always expected her to be there at the door waiting on me. It takes a long time to get over that. So, just take your time and grieve as you wish. Grief is so different with every person. Scout was your baby and your life and it will take time to recover. So take the time,
Love ya,
Judy
I’m letting myself feel everything, knowing that some days will be harder than others. Having all of you on the other end of this blog sure helps. xo
I think most of us knew how hard it would be when you turned that door handle to the cottage and walked in. Things just aren’t the same. Some tell us it is the “new normal” ~ but we know there is nothing normal about it. One day at a time.
Gardening is something that envelops many of us every year. Waiting to begin is difficult. Especially when we have had some wonderful days and THEN they forecast several inches of snow for this Thursday………. ugh.
Spring can be so disappointing! We are all SO ready for it…. and it seems to have other ideas.
Nothing normal at all, Chris.
We were supposed to get 3 – 5 inches in the Nor’easter, which is why we left on Friday. But by the time we’d been on the road for a while, the forecast changed and we got nothing. Hurrah!
I’m so sorry to hear about snow in the forecast. This is such a mercurial time of year!
I found the little video for the egg cups and succulents. It is from skillshare 5 creative ways to display succulents. have fun!
http://skl.sh/diy-succulents
hugs
Thanks, Nancy! I’ll check it out.
Still crying with you over Scoutie, Claudia. It will be six years on the 25th that the first Bella left us suddenly, and I still miss her. Our Bella now gives us so much joy and love. Each life is precious and unique. When the first Bella left us and we got the second, I had the feeling that the first one was looking down on us, and was happy we had another baby to love. It was OK with her. And she still knows we think of her.
Every crying as I write this….
We never truly stop crying, do we? Thank you, Patricia.
Hi, Claudia–
I found your blog a couple weeks ago but haven’t been keeping up with commenting anywhere, so my belated condolences now. I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious Scout. If hearing someone else’s beliefs is any comfort at all right now,–and please disregard if not :) –I really do believe your Scout is still with you in spirit and loves you as she always did.
Best wishes to you and your husband,
Val
I believe that, too, Val. Thank you. I just wish I could feel her presence, but I have a feeling I’m trying too hard.
P.S.) I haven’t read any of these books but have had a couple of them in my wishlist for years. Maybe they would appeal to you too: keywords search: animals afterlife on amazon
I had a few books in my stash – I got them when our dog Winston died very suddenly – but I can’t find them. I’ll check out this list, Val. Thank you.
You’re welcome, and yes, I think you’ll feel her when you’re ready to feel her. Grief–like love–is so strange.
Hello friend, I’m feeling your loss and sadness and I’m sending you some hugs to fill up a little bit of that emptiness. xxoo
Thank you so much, Ann Marie.
Hi Claudia. We had a busy weekend and I wasn’t able to comment the past few days, but I did read about your trip home. I felt it would be a difficult and bittersweet homecoming for you. I want you to know that I do pray for you and Don everyday as you learn to live life without sweet Scout by your side.
I did enjoy all of your plants. I reported two violets and an ivy this morning. We spent the weekend opening up our trailer at the lake. We’re having a beautiful spring…so far.
Blessings,
Betsy
Lovely to be opening up your trailer, Betsy!
Happy you’ve had a great holiday away and have now arrived home safely. I’m sure the memories of sweet Scout will in time be a comfort for you but for now, they are hard for sure. Thanks for sharing the story of your parents plant. That is amazing it has endured several moves but continues to thrives! Gives me hope for my little plants in our house. Take care Claudia.
Thank you, Chy. I used to think Dad was exaggerating when he said how old the plants were – but he wasn’t! Meredith remembers it from when she was a little girl!
From my observations…you are a nurturer, Claudia. Whether it be by teaching or coaching, taking care of two legged or four legged loved ones, gardening…you were born to nurture. Some people are…some people aren’t. Nurturing your indoor plants sounds like the most natural thing in the world to do. I love that you were able to bring back a snake plant…curious to see what else you decide to get! ;)
Hmmmm. We’ll see. I repotted another plant today and one day this week I’m going to visit the nursery and see what strikes my fancy.
I think you’re right, Donnamae. I am a nurturer. Thank you.
Claudia and Don, sounds like your vacation was a real treat,. It is so difficult to come back
to an empty home, sans our pets. It’s been only 3 months since we lost Bazel to spinal
degeneration, and my darling little Roscoe only 10 months before. Roscoe was only 8 years
old and was hydrocephallic. Blind, and never “learned”to be housebroken. Didn’t matter to
me that I had to clean up after him constantly. He was my “baby” after the kids all left home.
I look in their dog “yard” outside and still cry. I don’t think I can ever get another “fur baby”.
I have lost too many over the years, but losing my adorable, funny corgi boys, and so close
together has left such an emptiness I can’t seem to accept. We have been the lucky ones
to have received such unconditional love from such wonderful creatures. God bless you.
God Bless You too, Pam. I’m so sorry you lost your babies – and so close together. It must seem unbearable at times. Doesn’t matter what they do or can’t do, we don’t mind because they are our children. Our Riley had a disease of the spine as well. Take care.
Take it one day at a time, you are going to miss her forever, but hopefully, in time, the pain will not be quite as sharp. Come back to Florida, we love you!
Meredith
We love you. And we miss you and all the family togetherness. It seems awfully quiet and boring here!
Claudia, it is almost 2 years since we had to say goodbye to our precious little girl. It doesn’t get a whole lot easier but the pain is less. I don’t think that pain will ever go away but the memories seem to get even more special. I hope that makes a lick of since. Scout misses you and Don as well but I’m sure she’s still getting her party on. : )
xo Monica
I hope she is, Monica!
Claudia, I feel so sad for you. I also cry for my fur babies. They are gone from this physical world, but a huge part of them lodges in me. My daughters and I are discussing adopting cats in a few weeks. Though it’s only been six months since Sienna died so suddenly, we miss the feline presence at home. I know exactly what you mean about Scout greeting you at the door, as Sienna used to sit on the piano waiting for me to come home. I miss her trotting after me in the house and settling down in one of her favorite spaces wherever I would be. You’ll know when it’s time to give another furry one a home. I know for me, it is right now.
I’m glad you’re ready, Wendy. That’s wonderful news!
I did not get the chance to comment on your post yesterday but was pleased you made it home without any problems; the snow aside.
There are no words for what you are going through when it comes to Scout. It’s that feeling of emptiness both in the house and heart that seems it will never subside. With time it does, and the fond memories replace the sadness, but all of those things only happen in your and Don’s time frame.
I thought of you this weekend as our granddaughters were a part of the stage crew for their school production of Bye Bye Birdie. The oldest was assigned sound board, the younger manned the three curtains. What a wonderful time it was and so encouraging to see so many young people loving the stage!
I love Bye, Bye, Birdie. One of my favorites and I directed a production of it when I was still living in Michigan at a local high school.
I know how empty a house can be without a beloved family member. It does indeed take a long time to go through the grieving process. Hopefully, the weather will soon be warm enough for gardening. I love my house plants all winter for the “green” they provide. I will be looking for the new plants you decide to bring home.
I’ll be searching for some late this week, Dottie.
Hi, Claudia. I read your post earlier today and, I must tell you..for once…words failed me; so, I didn’t leave a reply. I feel so badly for you. I don’t yet know what you’re going through; it must be awful. I’ve had a dog continuously in my life since 1988. As soon as I had a proper place for a dog, here they came, one after another. It has overlapped, due to multiple pets, so I have never been without one or more. But we’re on the last one. I cherish every day with her. We’re trying to stay firm about not bringing new pets into the household so that, in retirement, we can do some modest traveling and also watch expenses (our dogs, in their ending years, have cost us a lot of money, not unlike an elderly human who encounters a lot of health issues)…but, mainly, as I’ve probably waxed on about before, we’re at the age now where our own personal decision…subject to change, of course…is that we don’t want a dog or cat to outlive us. We’ve seen it happen too many times. You were so fortunate to have someone take your dad’s cats. It’s sort of pitiful, but in my husband’s and my situation, we have really thought about it and know that there unfortunately isn’t one person who would take on our pets if we couldn’t care for them any longer ourselves (due to health, age; if we had to change our housing) …and then what? Have them wind up in a shelter, or with someone who didn’t take care of them the way we do? We want the happy scenario but it doesn’t work out every time. My neighbor, well-intentioned, took on two mature dogs as a pair whose owner died…and it was a disaster. His own dog fought with them and, frankly, my opinion is that he did not take good-enough care of any of the three; for instance, there was an absence of veterinary care and the one dog of the pair was elderly and needed it. It was an eye-opener for me. And I was crushed when volunteering in pet rescue how many elderly pets wound up at the pound. Everybody wants the young ones. The old ones, the big ones…they linger; they don’t get adopted. So, we’ve considered, maybe after we’ve had some freedom for a few years, just as you’ve just been able for the first time in a long time to travel with Don, perhaps we could take on senior-aged pets (not as long of a commitment reaching into the future, in other words) but, then, that’s not without problems, because you have to go into it knowing that you won’t have them for very long and, for the time that you do have them, they may run into some considerable veterinary expense as is the way with the aging animal. Anyway, I don’t know what to do. Maybe we’ll find we just can’t live our life without a pet and take our chances, making some sort of provision for the care of the pet if we find we can’t finish it out. Nothing in life is certain! Part of me wants somebody to knock on your front door and hand you a new dog to cuddle and love, but I don’t necessarily think that’s the answer. I think if you took time to volunteer at a shelter, just to get in your cuddling and mothering, you’ll want to bring home all the animals…that’s what always happens to me; I can’t make a separation. I can’t foster a dog; I can’t give them back; I can’t let them go. Put them in my arms and I sink; they’re mine from that moment. When I was helping out at the pound many years ago, one girl who worked there kept taking home dogs who were running out of time…she couldn’t bear that they were not adopted and would be humanely euthanized. She would work overtime; work with ‘customers’ trying so hard to ‘sell’ the dogs. It just took over her life; she wound up with too many animals at home; she had to quit that job. She had the biggest heart, bless her.
It’s been hard on our own dog to lose her canine companions. We’ve only been a single-dog household now, for 18 months. It’s been new for all of us, including her. I know she misses other dogs because she grew up with two. I try to be enough for her. She is my dear, loving girl. She watches over me and makes me feel safe. I don’t know, Claudia. It sounds like we’re all dog people here. So, how can we not have dogs.
It warms my heart to see you with so much love in you. So much to give. You’re a good person, through and through. You care about things and pets and people. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.
I get lonesome at Easter without my first family. We always had a nice Easter weekend when I was growing up. I’ve let go a lot of the rituals like coloring eggs or making a festive basket. I swear next year I’m not going to do that; I’m going to pull out all the stops and maybe even put my husband through an Easter egg hunt. My seasonal decor is all packed up while we remodel and I miss my pretty Easter things. I will tell you something I did today that made me feel happy. At the garden center, they were pushing out plants that nobody bought and bringing in new stuff. There was a tray of sad geraniums and they were a lovely pink. I bought the whole tray at half price. I rounded up all my mom’s and my old terra cotta clay pots and I’m going to spend the day tomorrow potting geraniums. While I was at it, I bought some gerbera daisies…a pot of orange, one of red and one of yellow. How can a daisy not put a smile on your face?!! Formerly in my life, I had a whole house full of plants inside and out and, in constant remodeling, that’s another thing I’ve sort of let go…so, I’m digging in.
Do you have a garden store near you or is it too early for the Northeast? It’s a lighthearted thing to do, walking down the aisles and looking at all the new spring plants. I even bought a little tomato plant and we have volunteer tomatoes coming up from last year already. I was looking at the succulents and sort of amazed at how well yours grow indoors! You clearly take very good care of your plants. Isn’t it wild that you still have your parents’ veteran plants?!! Wow! I was going to ask you, when you have your plants inside, does the soil ever get buggy and, if so, what do you do about that? I’ve had trouble with those little gnats.
I saw the weather report; I’m remembering it now. I think you’re in for a cold weekend but I bet Spring is JUST around the corner and then you’ll be very busy with your yard; I know you put a lot of hard work into it after winter goes away. Just try to get there, Claudia. I’ve got projects I need to get to as well…putting them off. But maybe sometimes we just have to give it a start.
Thinking of you…
I think about everything you’ve mentioned. Will it be fair to the dog if it’s a puppy? But we tend to adopt dogs who are a little older. I’m sure that when the time is right, we’ll know.
Garden centers around here aren’t displaying any plants (except houseplants) right now. Too cold. In about a month or so, we’ll begin to see them.
xo
I know in my heart that you and Don did everything possible to make Scout’s last years as happy as you could…you have nothing to regret when it comes to your sweet little girl…I’m also looking forward to seeing the greenhouses full of beautiful flowers….and my favorite tomato plants too!