One of things I like about having the dollhouse back in the den is the view I get from my blogging chair. There is a window behind and to the left of it, so soft light spills into the rooms.
Just as in my city living days, when I would walk for hours, catching glimpses of the interiors of the homes I was passing, wondering about the owners, about the pictures I saw hanging on the wall, the paint color, the lamp in the window – I get that same sense when I look up and see flashes of the interior of Hummingbird Cottage.
It looks cozy, doesn’t it?
The situation with my dad isn’t good. I spent the day yesterday by the phone, either talking to Meredith directly or texting back and forth. We don’t know what is going on. One minute he was fine. Then, in an instant, he wasn’t. And it’s gone downhill since that moment.
He was in ICU yesterday, then they moved him to another room, and now, since midnight, he’s back in ICU. He’s bleeding rectally. He’s completely out of it. He looks terrible, according to my sister and also to the Pastor from his church, who I spoke to on the phone yesterday. He isn’t very responsive, though when Meredith holds his hand and asks if he knows her, he nods. Last night, she sat with him for hours. He was agitated and restless and they didn’t want to give him a pain pill for some reason, so his back is hurting, he’s bleeding, he’s in pain and I also think he’s sundowning. He would wake up, open his eyes, and say “Help me. Help me.” Then Meredith would speak to him and he would calm down. But, eventually, she had to go home. She’d had only three hours of sleep.
I called the hospital last night for an update. He was still agitated and the nurse was just about to give him another sedative. He has soft restraints right now because he tries to pull his IV out, which is the same thing he did several years ago when he had surgery and we were introduced to the concept of sundowning for the first time as we watched our father change into a stranger overnight and had no idea what was happening. It’s very frightening. I just keep trying to remind Mer that some of what she’s seeing is due to that.
Some of it.
I hate that he is in pain, that he’s scared, that he’s so incredibly vulnerable. We just had a great conversation on Sunday, and now? Everything has changed for my father.
Meredith, once again, has the lion’s share of the responsibility. It’s unfair, but once Mom and Dad decided to move to Florida, that’s the way things turned out. I feel inadequate, of course, powerless, and all I can do is pray and be there for her when it all becomes too much and she needs to cry it out. And thank God for her, which I do every moment of the day.
I refuse to be one of those bloggers that constantly cries “Poor me.” So I’ll just say this once. Between money worries, Scout’s increasing frailty, and my dad’s sudden and very serious illness, I feel completely overwhelmed. I remind myself that all of us have cares and worries and I am not special in that regard. Everyone is, whether I know about it or not, carrying some sort of burden. It’s important to keep things in perspective, that I know.
But oh my friends, I have to work hard to remember that.
I’m forgetful. I can’t remember the word for something or other. I can’t retain information for very long. I thought I paid a bill online the other day, but I didn’t. What?? That’s not me.
Don tells me it’s stress and, deep down, I know he’s right.
Breathe in, breath out, give thanks, and know that I have the strength needed to deal with all of this. Trust. Ask for the gift of grace. Think of my father and pray for his healing.
That’s the order for this day.
Update: I’m flying down there today. It doesn’t look good.
Happy Wednesday.
Claudia, I am so truly sorry for your present troubles.
My parents lived thousands of kilometres from me which made it difficult to help at times without actually jumping on a plane. I occasionally have the short-term memory loss thing – the doctor said it’s due to fatigue. Easy to say, but try and get some rest.
Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers today.
It certainly is a very stressful time and we have no control over any of it. Please take care. Doris
Thinking of you and your family.
Claudia,
It is true that we all carry our own burdens, seen and unseen. I woke up feeling sick and ill this morning but the pressure of self-employment forced me into the office to work on files, all of which are on meaningful deadlines, and all of which are dreadful. Feeling sorry for myself, but like you, knowing that other people have worse problems. I ask for God’s help every day in getting through this job that no longer means anything to me but which I have to do just to pay the bills. I can’t remember words, I have to rub my knee with flex-all, keep tissues nearby, worry about blood pressure, etc etc. It all makes me feel … old. I’m so sorry for your dad. When ours was so ill, our sibling who lives 1500 miles away offered all the support he could but we never felt a grudge towards him for not being here with us. The wonderful part is that your sister IS there for your dad to advocate for him and look out for him, and you’re there for her. Such is life, but then you look out your window at the wonder of the changing seasons, and find a cozy corner in your house to satisfy your soul, and gather Scout’s fur in your hands for petting, and find some comfort. I hope your day goes well today. And p.s., I love that dollhouse! xx
I am so sorry all of this is happening. Will be praying for you and your family.
((((hugs))))
((Claudia)) ~ I truly feel for all that you are going through. Although my parents have passed, I remember all the emotions, anxiety, doubts, insecurities that I experienced. There are times in life when we feel it is all ‘too much’ (and it is). I cling to believing that God is sovereign in all situations and He will see us through. Even knowing this, it is still difficult, but it provides hope. One day at a time. Please take care of yourself through all of this. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m calm right now because I’m not going through anything major at the moment, … but as life is, that means I’m heading toward something !! When we’re strong, we can help you out. You, through your blog, give much comfort and sweetness to us when we’re in a whirlwind. Thank you,….and I’ll keep you in my prayers throughout this.
I am very sorry to hear about your dad’s struggles, Claudia, and it is heartbreaking for you and your sister, of course. Take comfort he is not there alone and that you visited with him not long ago. Watching our parents become so helpless and suffering is beyond stressful . I have been there with both of mine and now we are dealing with my 91 year old MIL becoming like a child and not wanting to make any changes for safety’s sake. Thinking of you and your sister and praying for your dad. Don’t be hard on yourself for needing to share life’s tough events. Hugs from Maine.
Hugs to you Claudia.
Hang in there, Claudia!
Sending you positive energy and good thoughts. Yes, we all have hard times, but there’s nothing wrong with voicing it and asking for support, even if from afar. :]
I’m praying for you and Meredith and your dad. xo
There are times when it feels like everything is coming at us at once. Of course, you are supposed to feel all those things you mentioned. And voicing them, knowing they are real and right, means that you have the wherewithall to get through it. I had to look up sundowning as I’ve not heard that term before. So very sad for your father as it’s not just the pain, but that whole feeling of being unsettled which can feel so much worse. Which is exactly what you are feeling, too. Leaves us feeling helpless. Sending prayers and blessings to all. Bless Meredith. She’s been through an extra lot over the past year. Hugs, Tammy
Claudia, I really understand how you feel. When my Dad was so ill and I was so far away I felt helpless. Just hang in there, know we love you and are praying for your Dad, you and Meredith. Big hugs!
Linda
Thinking of you and sending prayers your way for your dad. Be strong.
My prayers are with you and your family, Claudia.
Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
Claudia – You and your family have a lot going on right now and being so far away from your Dad and Sister is hard. My heart aches for you – I’ve been there, miles away from loved ones during a health crisis and it is so very stressful.
Sending up a prayer from Oklahoma this morning for you, your sister and your Dad that today is a better day.
Praying for your dad and for you & your sister Claudia. Feeling overwhelmed is something most all of us can relate to. Hope being able to see your dad in person will give you some measure of peace. XOXO
Safe travels…I’ll be praying for your family. ;)
Claudia, what will be, will be. You know it. I know it. Everyone reading your blog knows it. Take care of yourself and each other. Your sister, your father and his grandchildren need your loving presence now. Sending lots of love to you and yours.
Claudia, I am praying for healing for your dad and strength and peace for you. Seeing our parents declining is so difficult. I am glad you are able to be in Florida, I know Meredith and your Dad need you!
I’m glad you’ll be there.
You & your family are in my thoughts & prayers.
So sorry, prayers for you and all!!!!!
I am so sorry for all that is going on in your life right now. I understand and send positive thoughts and prayers your way!
I do not comment often, but read everyday and your blog today had tears in my eyes.
Safe travels and prayers for your Father
Lisa
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family. I’m wishing you and yours the best during this difficult time. ❤️
Claudia, I can’t add much more than what your blog friends/fans already have. I know you realize you have a community of supporters who care for you and yours. The next few days will be intense. But you’ll not feel so helpless when you are with your sister and both of you can face your dad’s situation together. Also, we’re all with you in spirit. Huge hugs.
Oh, my heart goes out to you Claudia — such a difficult time for you and your sister. I’m glad you’re going down today. Even if there is nothing you can do, Meredith will be uplifted to have you by her side and your Dad will feel your presence as well. These times of life are so very hard — I’m praying for all of you for peace and comfort.
I have no words other than those I hope you know are in my heart. It doesn’t sound good. You are on your way to Meredith, and the two of you will make it better for the other.
I am so sorry, Claudia.♥
Praying for all of your loved ones and you.
Claudia, I am so sorry. Sending prayers and healing thoughts your way.
Yes, stress can cause a person to do strange things and forget the simplest things.
((hugs))
Glenda
There is nothing wrong in saying any of this at all. It is the truth, it is the situation you are dealing with and it isn’t fun for anyone. You are just being honest, so don’t apologise for that. Sometimes – if it is what you want to do – it is good to get it out and write it down and just say these things. Don’t say sorry for that because there is nothing to be sorry for. The only thing to be sorry for is that we are all so sorry for you and Meredith and for your Dad that this is happening. I am sure that all of your readers and Merediths and your friends and family are all behind you 100% thinking of you and hoping for the best whatever that may be. Fly safe, take care and hugs and all best thoughts as always. xxxx
I am so sorry, Claudia, for what you are going through right now. Being miles away during times like this are very, very stressful. I think being there in person will relieve some of the stress and I’m sure your sister will be happy you’re there, too! My thoughts and prayers are with your Dad, you and your whole family.
LOVE & HUGS
Prayers and safe travels.
Sending hugs.
Sending prayers Claudia – be safe.
Sending you and your family prayers….
Sending prayers for your dad, you and your family. Safe travels.
Breathe. Thoughts and prayers send your way.
Also, you can tell the airlines you have a “family medical emergency need ” (for 92 yr.old) and I think they will give you a discounted price….at least they used to.
Addie
Oh Claudia…Life is just so unfair sometimes…that is why we need each other to lean on…as you and Meredith do at this time…..Let us know when you have time…Hugs to you and Mere..hold on to each other..
Oh Claudia. My heart hurts for both you and Meredith. I am so sorry that you are both going through this and that your father is in pain. Please know that you are in my prayers, all of you. And we’re your friends here. There is no one who is your friend who would think less of you for telling us that things aren’t a bed of roses. That’s what friends are for, to pull you up, to think of you and to love you through the good and not so good.
Blessings my friend,
Betsy
thinking about you and family
Oh, Claudia; tears are spilling out of my eyes for you. It can indeed go down fast with our ailing elderly parents. I’m so sorry you have so much on your mind. Thank God for Don, that he’s home, can look after things and Scout…so that you can be with your sister and father; I think it’s good that you have flown to both of them although I know the expense is a dent to the pocketbook. I’m glad you’re not in snow yet, so that the traveling is do-able; I’m glad your family can be with each other in person; you will have Don and Scout to come home to…and I will keep you all in my prayers. Heartfelt, healing thoughts to you, Claudia. I am touched that you took the time to post more awesome photos of the doll house; maybe it was momentarily therapeutic for you, I hope so. I thoroughly enjoyed them today; thank you. I know, for myself, that when I am most troubled, it helps me to write things down, sort out my brain on paper. Do that here if you need to; you are allowed to express your fears, doubts and angst when it all gets to be too much. We can listen; we WILL listen. It’s the least we can do for the daily enjoyment you give us on your blog. Cyber friends all.
Prayers of peace to all of you. I know your being there will be a blessing for Meredith and, of course, your Dad. You will never regret the decision to go.
I hope you can see, through all of these messages, how much you and your family means to so many of us. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many, and I hope that is of some comfort to you and to Meredith.
xo ❤️
Claudia, something you said struck a note with me. You mentioned that you didn’t know why they weren’t giving your dad pain medication. Is it possible that the pain med in conjunction with the blood thinner was causing his bleeding? Many pain meds come with a warning about bleeding.
Safe travels. I pray that all of you will be surrounded by love, comfort and healing.
xo
Sending prayers your way Claudia.
Thinking and praying for you all Claudia. Its a very rough time.
I am so sorry for you Claudia and of course for your sister as well….I have had experience with nursing homes in Fla. and have worked in some in NYS as a Nurse Practitioner. I would advise you to ask to see his records…determine how many meds he is on and what they are for….these places historically OVERMEDICATE our older folks…If you feel something isn’t right check the ‘status’ of the home on the Fla. website…see if there are VIOLATIONS and what they are for and then ask to have an Advocate from the state come and evaluate his care. My sister was in such a place (in NY) and we got an advocate from Albany who was there in the blink of an eye and she found multiple, serious violations…we then moved her to HELEN HAYES in Westchester County, NY. I will be saying prayers for all.
All I can think of to say has already been well-said by other posters. So I’ll just add one of my favorite Winston Churchill quotes, because it seems appropriate:
“When you’re going through hell, keep going…”
I hope that’s helpful for you and your sister right now. Sending best & warmest wishes and prayers for your Dad’s full recovery. ❤️
I’m so sorry you are all having to go through this, I will be praying for you.
I’m praying for you and your daddy.
sorry to hear things have worsened and praying they get better, that you have safe travels and comfort knowing don and scout are together and waiting for you and that there are lots of people praying for your father, sister, you and the rest of your family … for comfort, peace, resting easier because of God’s love and promises. and prayers for God’s guidance on those attending to your father. glad you can spend time with your father and sister. enjoy that time as much as you can (while also being an advocate). and remember to take care of yourself, too.
kathy
So sorry you are having your troubles. I am praying for healing for your dad, and for strength and courage for you and your sister. My parents are close to 90 and I know how you’re feeling, that sense of helplessness. Hang in there, hugs.
Claudia,
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad; I have been praying for him since you first shared his condition with us. I also am praying for you and Meredith and your families for God’s Peace , comfort, strength , Grace and safe travels for you to Florida; I am so glad that you are able to go down and be with your Dad and Meredith during this time.
Also have been keeping your sweet little Scout in my prayers as well. <3
Hugs,
Debbi
Sending up prayers for all.
I am so sorry to hear about your dad. You are right – we all have our burdens. That’s why it’s so important to have support networks…spouses, significant others, extended family members, good friends. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, Claudia. {{hugs}}
Oh, Claudia…I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope they can figure out what is going on soon. It is such a helpless feeling, and of course you are overwhelmed by it. I know it will be good for both you and your sister to be together right now. Sending loving thoughts your way…xoxo
Dear Claudia, you and your dear family are surely in my thoughts and prayers. It is surely distressing to consider your father’s situation in addition to concerns for Scout and of course ‘money matters’. Having some experience with just hanging in there in life I have to say both you and your friends and readers have many pieces of helpful advice. I pray you will be brave,breathe and continue to focus on the most present priority needing attention. Even now,there are matters that need attention that I cannot allow to crowd my consciousness and only exacerbate the distress. Please Claudia,may you keep any unhelpful commentary from the mind at bay. Of course you are not feeling optimally,but do not beleaguer yourself with how you handle things.You are also in need of the compassion and generosity you extend via your blog and I pray you may feel a gentle and loving embrace in return. Blessings and Love
Claudia, you and your family are in my prayers. Sending lots of hugs and love to you all.
Sending prayers to your family and for the doctors and nurses caring for your Dad.
You have a lot to deal with now and I’m very sorry. We all enjoy the results of your positive attitudes and appreciation of the beauty around you and hope that will help life you thru this painful time. It’s good you can be with your family. Wishing you peace.
Sending you lots of light and love. Also healing and peace for your Dad. What you are going through is so hard and stressful……please try to be kind to yourself!
Such a very difficult time for all of you and your family. You will be in my prayers.
It will be so good for the 3 of you to be together. No matter the outcome, there is that comfort of togetherness. Thinking of you today.
Claudia – You are in my thoughts – very stressful time – please take care of yourself.
Hoping for the best for you and your family.
My family are sending prayers to you and your family, and scout. I know how stressful it is. I’ve lost both of my parents. Just pace your self. Try to get some rest, cry if you want to. Have a glass of wine. I moved to houston in 1979 when I got married. My mom was pretty frail, and my dad had a stroke a few years before. I felt so stressed because I was moving 250 miles away. One day out of blue my mother’s doctor. I knew him for a few years and he said something to me. He said Lana moving was the best thing for you. I had taken care of them for a long time. Yes I worried everyday. Many phone calls. So what I’m trying is take care of your self. Your going to worry every minute, so take a break and go for a walk and lift it up to God. Th a rd what I had to do. My husband didn’t have a lot of money when we first got married. So we had a lot of obstacles to hurdles. So listen sweetie you take care of scout and your husband. I hope I haven’t taken up to much of your time. Lana Merrill.
Dear Claudia
I´m very sorry for your father´s health situation.I´m praying for him and for Scout and you too.Having lost my 90 year old mother in May devastated by dementia and other serious problems,I can perfectly understand your worries and feelings at this moment.I hope God sends you the strength and courage necessary to face such sad and delicate situation.Have faith and take care of yourself too!
a big hug,
Alicia ,Buenos Aires
I am sorry about your troubles and worries. Safe travels. Will be thinking of you. pam
I am so very, very sorry Claudia. I have been in your shoes, well actually your sister’s shoes, but it is just as stressful for you and perhaps more so because you feel so powerless. Yes, you are under stress. You will forget things, you will cry at the drop of a hat, you will feel exhausted but unable to sleep. All of this is perfectly normal. I also realize how heart breaking it is to see a loved one suffer. Have you and your sister talked with your Daddy’s doctor? Is it possible to add hospice at this time? They are wonderful and will give your sister a break and both of you some comfort. I will keep you in my prayers dear one and will email you my cell number. You are welcome to call day or night if you need a shoulder.
Much Love,
Susan and Bentley
I’ve been in that overwhelmed state a few times … I felt paralyzed – such a terrible feeling. I know it’s rough financially, but I’m glad to see you’ve decided to fly down. I’m praying Claudia, but I wish I could do more.
Thinking of you.
Thinking of you and since there was no “new post” e-mail for today – the 29th – I just thought I leave a quick note. More thoughts and prayers headed your way. Hope you dad is comfortable by now and able to rest. That can be half the battle sometimes. Take care of yourself too. And cry if you feel like it – I know I would. ⛅️
Claudia, I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.