The trouble with having a blog is that it is a daily journal. For me, it’s an honest chronicle of my days here at the cottage – for better or worse. It can be joyful or sorrowful. It’s always cathartic. But, it also serves as a reminder of what happened a few months back or a year or two ago.
Yesterday, while I was responding to comments, I glanced at the “You May Also Like” links at the end of that post. One of them was entitled, “Riley and Scout: The State of Things.” I clicked onto it and there, right in front of me, was a photo of Riley, taken six weeks before he died, laying down on the mat we had fashioned for him in the living room.
I burst into tears. Not gentle tears, but great, huge sobs. I couldn’t stop. I was reminded of my boy’s struggle and of our struggle and of all the love I have for him and I wanted him back. As I read the post and the comments, I was immediately plunged back into that time last summer when we knew the end was in the not-too-distant future, but also knew it wasn’t time yet. That time when I fashioned a hospice here in the living room and I spent my days taking care of him.
Oh, how I miss him.
That photo of him sleeping on the mat filled me with sadness and at the same time made me long to be able to stroke his sweet face again. Crying is a good thing, I know. It just took me by surprise yesterday.
I’m so grateful that I have this girl, my Scoutie, with me. She misses him, too.
Oh, how hard it is to lose a beloved companion.
Okay, let’s move on to cheerier things.
Don received this as a little Christmas present when he was in San Diego. It’s called a Critter. You wind that key and it walks. Actually, it walks in a jittery kind of way. It’s so cool. We were sure Scout would be intrigued by it, but she is indifferent to the whole thing. I, on the other hand, love winding it up and seeing what happens. Guaranteed to put a smile on my face.
And, finally, a question.
This flower is about 3 ½ inches wide. I used Peaches & Creme yarn because it’s a little stiffer and seems to work well for these garland flowers. Do you think that size makes it too big for a garland? It’s probably about twice as big as the aqua flowers in my other garland, which now that I think of it, are on the small side. Thoughts?
Thanks in advance.
Just wanted to add this link from the PicMonkey Blog, Claim Your Artistry by Adding a Watermark. I already knew how to add a watermark at the time I edited a photo. What I found valuable about this link was the last section, entitled Making a Transparent Image to Watermark Many Photos. This is a real time saver. It might be helpful for you, too.
Happy Thursday.
Tears are healing. You had a wonderful family member who is no longer with you and those little moments sometimes will catch you off guard. I’m glad you were able to write about it. Thank you for sharing the photo of Riley. I can see why you miss him so. We are just waiting for the day our pup is gone. Not looking forward to all those emotions.
I like the larger size. What about a garland with larger flowers and smaller ones in between?
Take care of yourself today. :)
Thank you, Chy. The photo is of Scout, however. I couldn’t bear to post Riley’s photo today.
Oh Claudia, I’m so sorry I read your post too quickly and missed that it is Scout on the cushion. She does look like she misses Riley so much as well. Thinking of all of you!
Good morning Claudia.
Having lost our two 14 year olds last year, it is still very hard. Even though we have 3 new furry babies now I will think of Duffy and Penny at the oddest times. Yesterday Daisy was blocking the doorway and I said “Penny, move out of the way”. It made me think of her and welled up a little.
It is hard with the blog because like you I will see pictures of them sometimes and it take me by surprise. I think even now with these three that they are big dogs and will they not have a long life span. It is so heartbreaking but life would be so empty without them or without any of the others we have welcomed into our home over the years.
Hugs,
Sue
I know you understand, Sue. Something will jar your memory and you’ll be flooded with memories. Thanks so much for your response.
I know what you mean. We lost our beloved Dion on August 1st, and pictures of him crop up all the time in past blog posts of mine. It wrenches my heart. I still am not “used” to his loss.
And the problem with having a blog is that when you don’t post for a long time, like I have done, it gets harder to get back to it!
Sharing your life with a beloved pet fills your heart, and breaks it.
Cass
You and I lost our dogs in the same month. Cass. I know you understand. I’m thinking of you.
Loss of a beloved member of your family is a deeply personal experience. I believe everyone goes through their own grieving process – and, it is a process – something that takes time. I”ve been there – we lost our dear, 20 year old Muffin, (friend/baby/queen-cat-of-the-house), over a year ago and I can understand how you feel. Because, I still tear up when I see pictures of Muffin – and I ache to hold her again — feel her butt her head against my hand, demanding to have that place behind her ear scratched – just so. But, I will tell you this — for me, it’s better than it was 6 months ago – and, I can now smile through my tears as I remember what joy she brought to our lives. My wish/prayer for you is that time will ease the pain of your loss and let you too – smile again as you remember your dear boy.
PS – No I don’t think the flowers are too big for a spring garland — isn’t spring all about big colorful blooms? Your flowers are just right to celebrate the season!
Thank you for your caring words, Regina Anne. I’m so sorry about the loss of your beloved Muffin.
I have the aqua garland, and I think the size of the flowers are perfect. But, I bet if I saw these new flowers made up into a garland, I would think they are also perfect! Make a garland up, and see what you think.
I think about you and Scout quite often these days, as I am caring for my almost 14-year-old girlie. She had back surgery around Christmas. My options were euthanasia, or emergency surgery. It has not been rosy, but she is making progress, and seems to be enjoying her life again. I don’t know how much time I will have with her, but I treasure every moment. I am sorry you lost your Riley, and i know how much you must miss him.
So glad to hear your sweet girl is doing better, Sandra. I’m sending prayers her way.
Claudia, I completely understand your reaction to the photo… I have lost two beloved kitties in the last 4 months, and some days I run across a photo or look at the spot where a furry head used to rest, and I’m off… dissolved in the heart-wrenching sobs you described. I don’t think we ever recover from the loss of our furry babies–we just learn to cope with the day-to-day goings on of life without them, and sometimes we are overwhelmed by the feeling of loss and longing.
On a brighter note, I love the color and size of your new crocheted flowers! Big, bright blooms are perfect for the approaching spring–they’re lovely!
Big hugs from Miami, and happy weekend!
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your kitties, Leisa. I know how devasting that is. Thinking of you.
I think they can work nicely! You could even do different sizes on a single garland. I like your small ones, but different is a;so good. Claudia, I am of the belief that we will Definitely be Reunited with our Loved ones ,in the next life what ever you believe that to be.I also believe that grief in this life doesn’t end. You don’t “get over it” (The loss and pain) you just learn to live with it. So you cry when you need to. But just remember how much LOVE and Support you have. -Judy A-
You’re right, Judy. You just learn to live with it. Wise words, my friend.
It just shows the true, deep love you have for Riley (and Scout). There are just times the absence hits you and crying is perfectly alright! I love the bigger flowers and would like to order a red garland, ok?
Have a great day!
Judy
You got it, Judy. I’ll get one going for you. Hope you’re feeling tip-top again. xoxo
I’m sorry again for your grief. Being overcome can be so sudden and take you so much by surprise. That is a darling picture of Scout on the pillow. I don’t think a garland that size is too big, but I think you would want it to be longer than the tiny one. The little one is so sweet.
Yes, I was thinking it needs to be longer, Jacqueline. Although, when I send out the smaller one, I always send about 2 feet of ribbon – longer than what you see on my blog.
I know how you feel having your grief surface for Riley without warning. It’s still happening for me with the two
babies I lost in the last year. It’s OK to let it out. Your flowers are lovely in either size. Hugs, Gina
Thanks, Gina.
Hi Claudia-
Sorry you are missing your Riley right now. I know it is hard. We just lost our Gracie last Sunday…a week after losing Audrey Chicken! twice in week. We get so attached to pets here.
Gracie’s was a freak accident…so it came as a shock.
Scout is such a blessing to you too.
It is hard to say about your flower…if you had a picture of it with the turquoise one and maybe something else, like a quarter or a coffee mug…for comparison. It’s hard to tell by itself.
I’m going to check that link you posted. Thank you.
Hope you can remember the good times with Riley today when your mind travels there. -Pat
Oh Pat, I’m so sorry to hear about your recent losses. My heart goes out to you. We get attached to our pets, the same as you, and it is heartbreaking to lose them. Take care – sending hugs.
Claudia this happens to me also, I click back to something and memories flood me. Some good and some sad! As you said, tears are healing. I know you miss your boy! As for the flower, I think I like the bigger size better for a garland. Sending you hugs, Linda
Thanks for the hugs, Linda.
I’m there with you, my friend. The other day I had a stack of paperwork to do so turned on t.v. to keep me company while I did it and got in on the beginning of The Way We Were. I had not seen it in years and at the end when Barbara is singing her heart out about those memories that are too painful to remember I lost it. Like you, I just wanted my Penelope back. Fifteen years and four months was too short a time to have her and those memories still hurt. And she was very much worth me hurting now. Claudia, I know that the hurting is part of honoring their memory.
I understand how you feel, Dewena. They are worth all of our love, aren’t they? Because their love is so complete and unconditional.
Claudia,
There was a lovely grey cat meowing on my porch yesterday and lingering around later in the day as well. It made me think about my (departed) puss, Sam, and how he was lost for a couple of weeks before before trotting up a plate of chicken livers in my backyard. It seems the grey puss may be living next door, so all is well there.
Flipping through books brought a few tears for my friend who gave them to me; just seeing his handwritten inscriptions brings back so many memories. Love and loss; the latter has become so much more common in my fifties.
Wishing you some peace and comfort,
Karen
I know. So much loss as we get older, Karen.
I am so sorry about Riley, but Scout looks so peaceful sleeping there. I do the same thing, read backwards “when” and cry.
Thank you, Mary Ann.
It is so hard to lose a pet. I’ve lost quite a few in my life, and it’s never easy. They are our true companions; our children with paws. My oldest cat, Zippo is now almost 14 and knowing that cats live on average to about 18 years old, fills me with dread whenever I think about it. Only 4 more years with my favorite fur baby? And I know what you mean about looking at the photos and crying or getting that achy feeling in your heart…as you know, I lost my 21-year old son a few years ago. I can look at photos of him, but it makes the aching and longing worse. It makes him seem like he’s still here, alive. I certainly can’t watch any videos with him in it, even though the videos I have are from when he was younger. Anyway, like you said, on to cheerier things….I think the larger flowers for a garland would be just as lovely as the smaller ones. The red is really pretty!
I know it must be so hard to see photos of your son, Melanie. The pain never goes away, it just settles a bit.
I still tear up after four years. It’s hard. I know you really miss him.
Thanks for the watermark tip.
Hugs,
Laura
Thank you, Laura.
So sorry about the sorrow. Someday it may get easier. Little things trigger the heartbreak. ((((((BUG HUGS)))))) Love the new bigger flowers……but loved the others as well. What an unusal toy.
Thanks, Debby.
Claudia – So sorry to hear you were overcome with tears and memories of your beloved, Riley… I know how you feel, having lost my little poodle many years ago after having her for 16 years.. I still cry over her. I don’t think we ever get over losing our pets, but as time goes on you will think about all the joy Riley brought you and it will get easier, I hope… Hugs to you today, Claudia!! Francine
Thank you, Francine.
So sorry about those photos bringing back your feelings of loss. I have that same thing happen when I look back at my old posts with my 2 granddaughters in them. I cry. My daughter moved 2000 miles away taking my 3 and 7 year old gds and it’s been the most tragic thing in my life.. she said, “Mom, we’re just moving, not dying!”. But to lose that weekly visit/overnight visits is tragic to me. On the flower – I don’t think you could get too big.. they’re gorgeous! ((hugs)), Teresa :-)
Oh, you must miss them so much, Teresa. I’m sorry they are no longer nearby.
Claudia,
Sending you sweet thoughts and hugs. Grief is like that. You never know when it will strike. A picture, a word, a song anything can evoke a memory that will tug at our heart strings and make us long for our loved one. I get it that Riley and Scout are family. I miss hearing about him too and I’m sure many of your readers cried with you. Grief is healing when shared with those who will listen and be with yoiu as you walk the path. The trouble with blogging for me is that I’m too inconsistent. Going through health trials right now and hope to be more cosistent now that I’m not working. I’m grieving the loss of my old life. Life is full of changes and seasons. On a lighter note, love the critter. I think that would provide me with lots of entertainment. I’d love to see if my dogs would be interested, but like Scout, they may be indifferent. I’m happy that you have Scout to snuggle up with. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and didn’t feel things so deeply. I, like you, have a deep connection to animals and nature and get attached to them so easily. I’m always sad when a creature doesn’t make it. Nature and life can be harsh but then there is also the other side of the coin, beauty and joy.
Thank you, Sandy. I know you’re grieving the loss of your old life, but maybe you’re moving on to a better, more enriching time. I sincerely hope so, my friend.
Grief catches you by surprise. Grabs you by the shoulders and shakes you. It unsettles your world when just moments ago, you were fine. That’s the thing about grief. It revisits you over and over again. I know my Clyde is okay, but last night I laid in bed and recalled how he would come to me in my bed in TX and with his huge paw, gently touch me on the nose. That meant: Mama, open your arm so I can cuddle with you. Of course every time I think of that, I’m crying all over again. I know he’s still alive, but that I will never have the honor of seeing him again. Oh why, why, didn’t I just grab him up and take him anyhow, I’ve asked myself a thousand times. What can they do? Eat you? I wonder if he remembers me. I wonder if his new “mama”, newly married to my ex, loves him as much as I do.
Brenda
I know you think about Clyde all the time, Brenda. I would too, if I were in your shoes. Our animals mean everything to us and having to leave a beloved pet behind is heartbreaking and gut wrenching. No one will ever love him the way you do, but perhaps they will love him as much, but in a different way.
Crying now for you. For Riley, for Clovis. hugs my friend,, olive
Thinking of you and your beloved Clovis, Olive. Hugs to you.
Oh, it’s hard when it hits you like that. I know Riley had a rough time towards the end, but a lot of his good times, and yours are forever on this blog. I love that critter! I would be all over that too, Claudia. Size of flowers seems good to me, but I’m no expert – I think they will really pop! Ann
Thank you Ann.
This always makes me tear up as well as smile.
In my case it is our Charlotte (our amazing Bouvier) I think of.
We Have A Secret
We have a secret, you and I
that no one else shall know,
for who but I can see you lie
each night in fire glow?
And who but I can reach my hand
before we go to bed
and feel the living warmth of you
and touch your silken head?
And only I walk woodland paths
and see ahead of me,
your small form racing with the wind
so young again, and free.
And only I can see you swim
in every brook I pass
and when I call, no one but I
can see the bending grass.
That is just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing it here.
Ooooops, this was Kris at Simplify comment….. So let’s talk about the trouble with blogging. You must do it often and not sporadic like me to get with the program. Oh, well, I still love popping by to check out a few. Just love to catch up even if it’s on a sadder day.
I hope you’re well, Kate. It’s great to hear from you.
Dearest Claudia..I also know the heartache of losing loved pet family members..We lost are sweet Chipper calico kitty recently to breast cancer..I have a little sign hanging here beside me..It says..”Heaven’s the place where all the cats you’ve ever love come to greet you”..I’m sure that this is equally true for dogs..This thought does give me some comfort..Hugs
Claudia, anyone who has loved and known the love of a beloved pet knows exactly how you feel. I still can’t talk much about the pets, (family members), we have lost without tearing up and some have been gone almost 20 years. I don’t understand the people who don’t love their animals.
Blessings,
Betsy
Anyone who loves their pets understands the way you feel. Crying is a good thing; a good cry is a cleansing of sorts, at least it is for me.
I love the size of the crochet flower! Why don’t you make a garland and hang it beneath the smaller one on the cupboard door. Then people could see the difference in the two sizes. Just a thought.
Take care and have a great weekend.
Memories can evoke all sorts of emotion..You were sad remembering happy times…..Why not use several different sizes in your garland??
The nice thing about our blogs is that they do bring back memories and images that were in the moment. Describing how we felt … something documented that we have forever. We too are going through something similar now with our kitty. It will be a very sad day when he leaves us.
I e-mailed you last fall telling you about the loss of our golden retreiver Abby. She died on September 7th. How very very difficult it has been to be happy since she left us. Bursting into tears still happens often here. I see that many people are hurting from all the comments I have read. I keep pictures of her here and there through the house, hoping that will help me. All this to say, I certainly know how you feel. I hope it will get better for you as well.
Oh, I missed this chapter of your life completely, dearest Claudia. I’m here for you if you need to chat.
(((Hugging you tight))).
Monica xoxo
I think crying is definitely cathartic, Claudia, and you probably needed it. *hugging* Riley was a family member, after all, and there is no timetable for the grief we experience after that kind of loss. I look back at my blogs, too, and am always surprised at how much time has passed since I wrote something! I admit I am not a daily blogger … my thoughts are more random and it’s less a journal for me tha a place to set things down as they cross my alleged mind. I’m also unable to be a daily blog visitor, although I dearly wish I could. I always feel so guilty but I do enjoy reading and commenting when I’m able to find a stretch of time to do so. Not having the internet at home is a mixed blessing!
P.S. I wanted to tell you that the new crochet flower is absoultely beautiful! The color reminds me of a cheerful geranium! Such a heartening sight on the day before ANOTHER snowstorm comes to town.