I am in Command Central.
Which means my chair in the den. I seem to spend a lot of time here lately. Some might say too much time and I would be inclined to agree. It has been impossibly hard for me to get motivated lately. I know why. Frigid temperatures, endless snow with endless shoveling, icy paths, my husband is far away, it’s winter, my mother isn’t doing well…..I just can’t seem to get excited about anything. I might have to call it for what it is, a mild depression.
It will pass.
This is what I see from Command Central:
Stacks of reading material on the coffee table.
A Garnet Hill catalogue.
Where Women Create (I almost never fork out the money for this magazine, though it is beautifully done, because it’s so pricey. But my longtime blogging friend June is featured this month. Her studio is gorgeous. I’m so happy for her. Congratulations, June!)
Flow magazine
Country Gardens. I usually buy this magazine at some point, but one of my readers tipped me off to a wonderful spread on McCoy Pottery in this issue, so I immediately hightailed it to the store.
The Accident. The next book up on my review schedule.
I brought the quilt downstairs yesterday, thinking that if I see it, I might get back to the hand quilting. Cross your fingers.
Sweet little egg cups. That original Disney egg cup – Doc – might be the one with the most monetary value in my collection. They are not easy to come by.
All things camera are stashed on the desk.
Oh, and this:
Sleepy Scout. She’s snoring at the moment.
Mom is not doing well and I’ve been on the phone with my dad and sister quite a bit. Dementia has been taking over and she is out of it more often than not. We’re trying to determine whether she has another UTI. She is prone to them and is supposed to be on an daily antibiotic for that condition for the rest of her life, but once again, we have discovered that the antibiotic was stopped by the doctor on staff. And every time that happens, she gets another infection. So I was on the phone with the nursing home yesterday.
My dad is having an increasingly hard time seeing her that way and when she doesn’t respond to him, he can’t help but get depressed.
The truth is, the mom that we knew is gone and has been gone for a long time. I think she exists in a state that is half in/half out of this world. It’s heartbreaking.
I want her to find peace. I want that more than anything.
I know you understand.
Boy, life can be cruel sometimes.
I’m going to share something with you. My mom loved Oil of Olay and used it every night. That is the scent that Meredith and I associate with her. I would catch a whiff of it when I kissed her goodnight or when, even as an adult, I would plop myself in her lap for a quick cuddle. That scent is Mom.
For the past two years, always when I am alone, I will sometimes smell Oil of Olay. It will saturate the air for about ten minutes or so. The first time it happened, I thought I was imagining things. But I knew that smell was unlike any other in my home. It was Mom’s scent. Was it her?
Then I talked to Meredith about it and we both agreed that Mom was visiting me. I know it. Mer knows it. Months can go by between visits. It happened again recently. When it comes, I stop and say hello to her and tell her I love her and miss her. I thank her for being the best mom ever. I tell her that we will make sure Dad is okay and not to worry about him.
Mostly, I just sit there, filled with wonder. It comforts me. And I know that on some level, Mom is still Mom. That no matter what we see on the surface, deep within her is a place where Mom/Shirley exists, fully and perfectly.
I haven’t told my dad about it, but maybe I should. I think it might comfort him, as well.
Thanks for listening.
Happy Tuesday.
What a lovely post today, Claudia. Your quilt will be wonderful when it’s finally finished. It’s perfectly YOU.
I liked your Oil of Olay story, and I, too, believe that your Mom is visiting you. I’m glad that you find comfort in that, and hope that your insight can comfort both your sister and your dad. I can understand just how hard it is for all of you. Know that you’re in my prayers and thoughts, and I often visit for a quick “catch up” without commenting.
Hugs to you and Scout.
xo
Donna and Tag
Thank you, Donna. I do the same thing, a quick visit to your lovely blog.
xo and Thank you for your kind words.
I really like your Oil of Olay story and I am sure your Mom is visiting you. My Gram passed away 18 years ago and I still smell her scent. She always used Pacquin Cream; I smell her at times when I am upset about something and her scent still lingers in a stack of her hankies that I have. Blessings to you & your family as you go through this difficult time.
Thank you, Debbie.
I’m so sorry that your mom is suffering. You and your family will be in my prayers.
I have a scent that I associate with my grandma. I would never wear the perfume because it is so heavy scented by today’s standards, but every time I go to the Macy’s I take a little sniff and remember how much she cherished when she could buy a bottle.
There is a scent I associate with my sister’s teen years too. I thought she was so grown up at the time. LOL
Isn’t it funny how scents can bring back such VIVID memories?
Scent is a very strong connection to memories!
Claudia, You smelling Oil of Olay touches me. When ever I smell Old Spice, I think of my dad. Smells are very important in our memories. Lilacs make me think of my mother. I am sending prayer hugs to you and your family. Blessings, xoxo,Susie
Thank you so much, Susie!
Take care of yourself Claudia.
I will, Carolyn.
Hugs to you, Claudia. You have had such a long winter. I love your Oil of Olay story. How special that you are able to “experience” your mom’s presence that way.
It is enormously comforting, Kristie.
Claudia Dear,
Thank you for sharing this deeply personal and moving story with us. My mom has Dementia as well. I completely understand everything in your post. About a year ago, Mom started visiting me in my dreams and it was very comforting. I believe that Moms’ will reach out to their children in whatever way they can via the force of their love. Surely that is what your Mom is doing.
As for your reaction to this overwhelming winter season, a lot of people are feeling the same way. My dad refers to it as being ‘weather-beaten’. He says in over y0 years of being in Michigan he’s never seen a winter so rough. It’s getting to us all. Take care of yourself my dear.
~ Cassandra
I think you are right. Mom comes to me and I am so blessed by her presence.
Weather-beaten is the perfect description of the way we all feel this winter.
Claudia,
I wish for peace for all of you. It is a hard thing to go through.
We recently lost my hubby’s Dad, and at times I feel he is here too.
Your quilt is lovely, and I hope quilting it gives you a break…
May your days be sunnier….
Nancy
wildoakdesigns.blogspot.com
Thank you so much for your sweet words, Nancy.
Claudia,
I look forward to your posts each day. They are the highlight of my morning as I enjoy my coffee and “me time”. Thank you for your wonderful blog!
Your post today regarding the visit from your mom via her familiar scent brought tears to my eyes. My only nephew passed away in 2010 and after the funeral, I was given custody of his son, my great nephew (GN). As my GN and I prepared his room in our home, a very intense odor surrounded us. We both immediately thought it was his dad. Interestingly enough, the odor repeatedly occurred only in his room for nearly a year after my nephew’s passing.
I too believe what you have experienced is your mother surrounding you with her love. I will lift your family in prayer as you care for her. Yes, your mother exists in tranquil place of warm and wonderful memories.
Stay safe and well.
Bette
And how lucky I am to be surrounded by her love, Bette. Thank you for sharing your story.
Claudia, once again our life experiences are running parallel if not crossing. Once again I do know EXACTLY what you are saying. Bless your heart. It’s not easy-for any of you -your mama, dad, you siblings and even YOUR spouses as they either have a relationship with that person or watch THEIR loved one go through this hard journey.
Sending your love and hugs and praying for peace-for your mama and daddy, you and your entire family as you take your parents’ journey with them and trying to cope and make sense of your own journey.
Just so you know, I ready every post and make “mental responses” to them. It is not the easiest to reply on my phone and life seems to keep me from the computer….just know I’m here and care (and boy…do I IDENTIFY!) Hang in there!
Mare
Thank you, Marilyn. I know you understand, and don’t worry – I know you’re out there!
Your beautiful words today have left tears in my eyes for they have touched my heart deeply. Thank you for sharing such a truly special moment with all of us.
((hugs))
You are very welcome.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and then add in the cold, cold winter – no wonder you are a bit unmotivated. We had 5 days of rain and I could easily have tucked myself in front of the fire and read for days. But, I used the fact that we were held captive inside to complete things that have been waiting for me.
I hope the weather warms up for you, but if not, sitting underneath that gorgeous quilt sounds like a plan.
It does, if I can get motivated!
Claudia, this hit home with me so much. I’m so sorry you are going through the heartache that you are. It is not easy watching our parents age. For me, it was Jean Nate. I keep a bottle in my shower even though I don’t use it because it reminds me so much of my mom. Some day I’ll have to share the story of when mom visited our house. It’s quite amazing, and I know that many will not believe, and that’s fine, too. But it was so real that I know what I know in my heart. My prayers are with you, Claudia.
Donna
I’ll believe you, Donna.
Oh, you know I believe you, Donna. Thank you for your prayers, my friend. I know how hard it was for you to lose your mother and then your father. xo
So glad you are still enjoying your visits from Mom. Such a lovely memory that you will carry with you always. My mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers at 56. When she was 61 her husband decided to take things into his own hands and ended her life as well as his own. I remember how hard it was when she didn’t recognize me but kind of knew my husband. She was here but she wasn’t too. I try to only remember how much she loved to tell jokes, the crazy way she loved to dress and other pleasant things about her before the disease struck. Thank’s for sharing about the Oil Of Olay. Sure wish I could feel my mother visiting me. I do see her a little when I look at myself in the mirror.
I’m so sorry you lost your mother that way, Janie. My heart goes out to you.
I definitely see my mother when I look in the mirror. I am very like her. And, like you, I wish I could feel my brother visiting me. I did for a while after he died, but I don’t feel him now. I just have to trust that he’s here sometimes.
Claudia, I believe that your mother is trying to tell you that she is fine, that she would like you to stop worrying, that her soul will live on and on, and that she will be around you and watching over you.
Your mother IS full and perfect, even though you can’t see her. She has found a way to let you know.
You might want to see if your library has a copy of the book “Journey of Souls” by Michael Newton. Try to read it with an open mind. It will change the way you think about life, mortality, our paths, our choices, forever. It’s a book that has brought me great comfort.
The night after I read the first chapter, my mother visited me in my dreams, or rather, I visited her, and saw how happy and peaceful she is. She had a very painful death from cancer, and was so miserable at the end. I think she was trying to tell me, in my dream, that none of that mattered because she is content now, in a beautiful place.
Blessings to you and your loved ones.
I have a feeling that book is like many I have read – don’t worry, I am very open to that kind of subject matter. I will look for it.
Thank you.
Claudia, our sweet mother had Alzheimers (probably for 20 years – she died a year ago this month.) I believe that she was very happy, and did not suffer, except at the beginning, when she was aware that her memory was going. It’s the rest of us who suffer – those who have loved her so long. So sorry for your troubles. I hope for you that these dark times will soon be just a memory.
Yes, it is the rest of us. Especially my sister and my father, who are down there in Florida. I have some distance, which helps – just a little.
Another moving post, Claudia! When my Mom was in the NH, I remember those UTI’s. I never knew about the connection between the UTI and the increase in dementia when they occurred. Then, after the 2nd one, we just knew another UTI had set in when she would start talking about places and things that weren’t there (to us). This is one of the hardest journeys we take in life. My Mom wore Emeraude perfume, and to this day, I still get a whiff of it every once in a while out of nowhere. Bringing the quilt downstairs to even think about working on it was a big step.
We had 2 more inches of snow last night and supposed to get 2 more tonight. I told my husband that it is like water torture. It may seem so insignificant at this point ~ 2 inches more won’t make much of a difference, but it is the consistency of it…. never ending, that will truly put us over the edge.
It is never ending. And never melting, as well!
Claudia…your post brought tears to my eyes. How wonderful that you have such a deep connection to your mom. This winter has held so many of us a prisoner in our own homes. And, quite frankly…I have watched entirely too many movies…and read way too many books. And, it is depressing…it’s all so WHITE out there. My mom is 93 today, and I, too, am losing her…little by little. I understand.
Happy Birthday to your mother, Donna. I know you understand.
My mom had a form of dementia for about 10 years before she died. She didn’t trust anyone and mistrusted us children most of all. It was hard on us, but must have been terrifying for her. I always told everyone it was like she was in Hell. I can’t imagine how scary that was for her. And I understood her strength when I realized she got up every morning to live in a world where everyone she saw was against her. We all complained that the mother who loved and raised us was gone, but then she was right there. That hurt worst of all. Hard time for everyone. Blessings and prayers to your mom, your family and you. One day at a time.
Tana
So hard to watch that, Tana. My grandmother was that the same way in her final years. Thank you for your prayers.
So sorry things with your mom are not good :( It is such a sad condition and hard to watch for family members. I will be sending and extra prayer up for you.
Thank you, Dawn.
Oh Claudia, what a touching post. I, too (like so many), know what you are going through. My Mom passed away 10 years ago and did have dementia. It is a horrible thing to watch. In many ways it felt as though she had already died. There are certain scents that trigger a memory of my Mom as well — more along the lines of the wood in the buffet that is in our kitchen and the wood in her dresser (which I now use). those scents always bring me comfort. My Dad remained healthy and was active (still going for walks, driving, living independently, etc.) up until his death (at 93!) this past October. His death was much more difficult for me to handle because he had been so active and vibrant up until he fell in September and passed away 4 weeks later. Sending you prayers of comfort.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your father this past autumn, Vera. I imagine losing him so suddenly, when he had been vibrantly healthy, was very hard indeed. Sending you hugs.
I love it that a certain smell can be associated with a loved one. White Shoulders cologne is one for me. I have no doubt your mom is visiting you when you catch a bit of that scent. It’s her calling card.
I think it is, too, Gina.
I think you should tell your Dad. I believe it will bring a lot of comfort. My Dad visited me once shortly after he died. It was during a particularly vulnerable time. It was so unexpected and it comforts me, even 25 years later. xo J
I’m so glad that happened for you, Julie. My brother did the same, a few months after he died. It helped enormously during a time of profound grief.
Claudia,
My Mom is also in the same condition as your mother. I don’t live in the same city and my brother is handling the nursing home. We have her in hospice care at the nursing home. I will add you and yours to my prayers. Take care. Tracy
Thank you, Tracy. And I will be sending my prayers to your mom.
Minus four this morning when Noble drove me to the train. I finally broke down and ordered another tank of oil for the furnace. For me, the scents are Chanel No. 5 for my mother and for my dad, Old Spice, but when my mother wants to talk to me from the beyond, I smell cigarette smoke and hear her gasping. Less and less now as I begin to let her go. You are right about the UTIs. They are the bane of elderly women. In my mom’s last bout, they had finished a round of antibiotics but she still had the tell-tale signs of disorientation so I was begging them to extend her meds but they refused and that is what did her in, in the end. I was lucky in that she was cognicent to the end. I know that Alzheimers is the cruelest disease, especially for the loved ones and caregivers. I wish you strength in the days ahead.
I know – it makes me so angry that we have to fight to get her back on antibiotics. The evidence is all there. Mom doesn’t have Alzheimers Disease but she does have dementia, hastened, I’m sure by having to be in the nursing home because she could no longer get around. Seeing our parents decline is such a hard thing!
Bless your heart! Anyone going through all that you are has a right to feel a little bit depressed, or even a lot depressed! Tears are rolling down my face after reading about your Mom. My Mama passed away in December 2007, and I miss her terribly. She suffered a long time and I am glad she no longer suffers. She was my best friend in the world, but still my mama when I needed her to be. There are no words to explain the bonds between a mother and her children. Even death cannot break it. I cried every single day for over two years after she passed. I think of her many times a day still. I’m sure I always will.
I know you mus think about the time when her very essence will leave her body. I know it will be a very sad time, but I hope you can find some peace and rejoice that she will no longer be in pain or struggle to remember her loved ones and distant happy memories. Hold your memories of her close and let them bring you comfort.
Sending hugs & prayer for you, your sister and your Dad.
I actually hope for that day – not that I want my mother to die – but she is so unhappy and miserable and the quality of her life has declined so much, that I would like to see her released from the prison of her body. Thank you for your kind words, Carolyn.
Yes, you have had a horrible winter and I am sure it is so very difficult to deal with. The attachment between mother and daughter is so very strong, even when they aren’t really w/us physically or mentally. My mom wore White Shoulders and she too came to visit me about two months after she died when I walked in the house, felt a touch on my shoulder and White Shoulders permeated the air. It was an amazing experience and I knew everything was all right w/her. My husband has dementia, not as bad as your mom at this point, but it is such a horrible disease, and so hard on children when they are still in the home to watch their parent change. Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you, Annette. I know you understand. Sending you my love.
I lost my dad this past September. He had dementia and no longer knew any of us. I felt as though I’d lost him a long time ago, before the end finally came. It’s still a shock sometimes for me to realize he’s gone. Sending you heartfelt hugs, Claudia.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your father, Debra. Sending you hugs, as well.
I feel sure your mom was visiting you, Claudia. Somehow she knew that you were just living on your last nerve, snow-stressed etc, and like all mothers, all she wanted to do was to comfort and bring some relief to her baby. So she did it the only way she could right now. And she’ll always be with you, no matter what. I firmly believe that our loved ones never really leave us. Even when they can’t be with us physically, every once in a while, and it’s usually when we need it most, they find a way to let us know they’re around. You’re lucky to have those little “Oil of Olay” visits with your mom. I’d give anything to sniff my Mom’s Arpege in the air, or my Dad’s Aramis. You and your family are be in my thoughts. Take care.
Thank you, Janet. I think they are always with us in some way and, at times, they choose to let us know they are there.
I am glad you brought that up, the Oil of Olay concept.
All of my family is gone…even my husband who passed away 13 years ago.
I have smelled my Grandmother’s perfume many times during the years
since her passing. When there is a penny on the floor that had no way to
get there, I pick it up, kiss it to heaven, and know that someone is thinking of me.
There have been times at night, when I am laying in bed, quiet, I will feel someone
sit down on my bed. The first time it really scared me and I was afraid to move. Now
I just whisper a prayer and thank God for the visitor.
Life is a mystery, and we do not know all of the secrets, but I do know there is a connection
with the heavens.
I am sending you hugs, and hope you can get the cloud around your body to move away so
the sun can shine again. The weather in Kansas has been miserable. We have not had the snow
like you have, but it is bitter cold and windy. I stay in and sew, or read or cook.
Hugs..Sharon/Ks
How wonderful that you have had these visits. It must be enormously comforting to know you are loved and cared for and that the love never dies. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Claudia, hugs to you. Life can be so incredibly challenging at times. It seems to me that often everything hits at once and its easy to become overwhelmed and depressed (been there recently)but we are strong ladies and we get through it! Your Olay story is so heartwarming …. It’s definitely your mom letting you know all will be well in time. I often get a sign from my dear grandma who passed away 28 years ago. She often leaves me these signs when I’m in the midst of helping my aging and failing parents. It’s like she is encouraging me to hang in there. I always smile and say “thank you grandma”.
Isn’t that wonderful? I bet I get signs that I don’t pick up on from those dear ones who have passed on.
How amazing it is to read this post Claudia. I am so glad you shared this beautiful experience of the visits your mother makes to you (I believe so strongly in things that have to do with connections of family and friends). I’m not sure we could make it through some of these heartbreaking things if they didn’t happen to us. I hope your father is having experiences like this too.
I love the fabrics in your quilt and the pillow that beautiful Scout is snuggling with. I think you and I would have a blast in a fabric shop together and come out with the same things :)
Thank you for your sweet words about my feature in WWC. You are such a great friend Claudia…something I never take for granted.
sending hugs…
I hope he is, too. He hasn’t mentioned them to me, but then again, I haven’t told him about my visits.
I’m so happy you were featured in WWC, June – your lovely studio reflects you beautifully.
It’s just not you who’s feeling mildly depressed this winter, believe me. I sometimes force myself to go out and do things – sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I think it’d be much worse if Brian was away, like Don is. My heart goes out to you. So sorry your mother is doing so poorly…love your Oil of Olay story.
I force myself to go out and run some errands today, Melanie. It helped a little.
I understan about your mom conpletely. My mom has not known me for several years now. She is in a peaceful place now, but all the horrors that have brought her to a total state on non knowing have been torture. I celebrated her 87th birthday yesterday for her. She does not remember me but I remember her. I made a poster of beautiful photographs of her in all stages of her adult life and took it to the nursing home and introduced all her caregivers to my real momma. They all loved seeing it! I hung it close to her bed so the ladies that work later will see it. Also made cookies and treated all the workers I could find. It made me feel like I honored her memory. Her scent was Baby Magic lotion. Can’t find it anymore, or I would rub her skin with it for her.
Hang in there. I am sorry you are not near.
Hugs from Linda L. in Texas
What a beautiful thing to do for your mom’s birthday, Linda! You are a devoted daughter. I wish I could find Baby Magic for you.
Claudia, We have baby Magic here. All I need is an address,and it ‘s on it’s way!
You have my e-mail -Judy A-
I’ve sent an email to Linda, Judy. You are so sweet.
Oh- such a hard thing to bear. My mother also had dementia and was gone long before her Earthly body gave up the ghost. She died from a kidney infection–probably a result of an untreated UTI for too long. It breaks my heart to know she must have suffered and not been able to tell anyone what was wrong. It left me feeling guilty and less than a good daughter….even though I lived so far away.
God bless you, Claudia. I am sure your Mom is visiting you- you are lucky- xo Diana
It’s so hard to tell with UTI’s Diana, because some of the symptoms are also the same things we see in dementia. Don’t feel guilty – you couldn’t have known. Bless you, my friend.
And for you,Claudia, I Send you my full understanding, Love, and support. I truly believe our loved ones never really leave us. -Judy A-
Thank you, dear Judy.
Loved your story about your Mom and the Oil of Olay. I know that there are many times that I see things or hear something that I know Landen is thinking about me and talking to me. It gives me such great comfort. The same with my Mom – there’s just a certain smell (good) that a Mother has that you don’t ever forget. Lovely post.
Judy
We all need that comfort, Judy. So glad Landen is with you.
Sending you a virtual hug ((((Claudia)))).
Thank you, Kelly!
Dear Claudia, I’m glad you have your beautiful quilt top out where you can enjoy its soft and cheery colors. Prayers for your family and grateful for the comforting scent of your mom. Thanks so much for sharing about the magazine with the McCoy spread inside. I will get it! Bless you.
Thank you, Beth!
Claudia..my Mom came to talk to me shortly after she died..she would repeatedly come sit on the edge of my bed and ask me how things were going and wanted to know if my niece that she raised was OK on her own with raising her baby..It was so real that I had no doubt that it was truly happening..She still is in my dreams many many times..My brother too visits at times and has his own ways of letting me know he is here..I do enjoy talking to him again..lol..I am so happy to see how many of you ladies believe in spirits visiting too..that is comforting to me..I am always afraid to tell people these things as they might laugh or think I am loony..lol..I guess I could say I am lucky in a way that my parents (and my brother) went suddenly and didn’t lie and suffer..but then I also didn’t have a chance to say good-by or thank you or love you..Claudia..I believe that if your Mom is visiting you now..in her mind..that she will continue when she crosses to the other side..I think it would be nice if you talked to your Dad about it..you my find out that he has experienced the same thing..plus he might be relived to have you to talk to about it..Hugs..
I absolutely believe our connection never dies and that our loved ones are with us and visit us, Nancy. xo
Claudia what a lovely thing to share. I know that our connections to our loved one’s are so strong that illness and death cannot break them at times. I sometimes ‘feel’ my Dad and I know he is concerned about my Mom. I always listen. I just know! So glad you find comfort in your visits and that you can help you Dad find some peace during this time. Sending you hugs and hoping you and Scout stay warm.
Linda
Hi Claudia.. sorry you’re going through a rough patch.. I hope everything perks up for you soon. I have experienced losing my mother and father-in-law from Alzheimers and it’s the worst thing. When your mom doesn’t know who you are, that’s an awful thing. Say, I saw Don in Elementary and that was so fun! Take heart and I hope Don gets to come home soon. ((hugs)), Teresa :-)
I totally get this. I lost my brother to early heart disease when he was in his 30s and I just couldn’t recover; it was sudden and completely unexpected death. Inconceivable. At the time, I was in a different state in the U.S., thousands of miles from my ‘regular’ home due to my husband’s work; I had a ridiculously-busy job, working for a workaholic, My husband worked on the other side of this vast metropolis we lived in and worked very long hours. It was a time of total despair for me. I had lived alone for a good portion of my adult life yet now did not like to be alone; I felt vulnerable. But I couldn’t begrudge my husband his rare downtime, which was a weekly bridge night with co-workers. So, on that night of each week, I’d be totally alone…and my dead brother would sometimes visit. I assume he couldn’t truly leave because he was troubled about my grief. I know he knew my inability to cry or cope, and how uncertain it had made me in my own life…if it could happen to him, it could happen to me; mortality, never before having thought about, hitting me smack in the face but, more, the unbearable reality of not growing old with my only sibling who I relied upon, whose advice I’d come to respect; who was my friend. With me on those bridge nights, it was a whiff of air; fleeting movement; I can’t explain it; thought my eyes were playing tricks, wonky-tired at the end of a long day. I’d look up from the dishes and say his name aloud; I know he was there and I knew when he came. He hung around for a few months until I finally got the gulliwasher I needed, five months after he died…and he came to me in a dream one final night, in my own living room, telling me clearly he was okay, so just let it be; move on. It was time, and he had other fish to fry. (I’ve learned to be careful who I speak to about this because if it’s the wrong person, they will edge away from you and figure you’re a nutcase. Some research I did goes along with this; what happens to the brain in grief. Some scientific explanation. I look at it more spiritually than that, though.)
There was this guy…gosh, I can’t remember the whole story; university instructor, dying of cancer and doing his Last Lecture…was it Randy Pausch? The lecture went viral on the web a few years back. I remember the part he encouraged about holding a crayola in your hand, remembering the kid in you; creativity, imagination. The smell of that waxy crayon.
We’re blessed for a good long time in our lives to have our five senses of smell and sight, touch and taste; the bird we hear in morning song. To have our memories; to have today’s experiences. I pray your mother’s sparks of memory bring her nothing but comfort, peace and happiness. Maybe she has them and feels them but just can’t express it to you. I’ve learned in my advancing years that there’s so much that cannot be explained. Life really is one big mystery.
Oh Claudia, I’m so sorry that you are having a hard time. I understand how you feel, having a hard time feeling motivated, happy, and energetic myself. I hope you feel better soon. And what you’re going through with your mom is heartbreaking. I lost my mom many years ago, and I still miss her terribly. I’m thinking about you, and praying that you will feel better soon.
My dear mother in law passed away on 1 Feb and Oil of Olay (or Oil of Ulay as it used to be called here) was her favourite too. I had just bought some for her at Christmas that she never got to use, and that came back to me just the other day. I don’t quite know what to do with it and it makes me sad to see the box. Ironically when you wrote Mom/Shirley touched a raw nerve because my sister in law Shirley passed away 5 years ago from breast cancer. My other sister in law and I told Mum to go and be with Shirley at the end. I am sure they are together now.
It is a lovely thing that your mother comes to visit you and that you notice that she is there with you. A wonderful thing.
Susan x
Your mother is letting you know she still is with you but in a different way now. It’s hard for us to lose our mothers to these illnesses caused by aging. Harder still to watch them fade away, often seeming like strangers, rather than leave us quickly, in a heartbeat – or the lack of one I suppose. I smell my mother’s dress gloves which I kept, wrapped in tissue, tucked in a drawer. They have her perfume woven into the fabric – I feel I can still hold her hand as I did when a child, and as I did the day before she died.
Thoughts are with you dear Claudia, Winter depression has many of us in its icy grip, such along and cold one…..glad you have Scout, your reading, and do get going with that gorgeous quilt – it will be so beautiful!
Hugs – Mary
I lost my father 2 years ago after 7 years with dementia….it is a heartbreaking disease. We can only pray that the person afflicted doesn’t know what is happening to them. My mother wore Chantilly Lace perfume…..which I’ve smelled several times since her passing. It’s very comforting. Unless I don’t acknowledge her..then she almost gags me with it..lol.
My Mom visits via the rainbows on my living room walls the month of her Birthday. March, Some will say it’s just the light streaming through the prisms at that time of year..But I know it’s her and I greet her as I come down the stairs each morning until she fades away once more…
prayers up for your family
Oh, Claudia!
I am reading this in reverse. I just sent you an email, and I am reading this with tears streaming down my face. If there are typos this time it is because I can’t see.
I think that The Lord works in mysterious ways, and this might be His way of allowing your mother to comfort you and vice versa. This is the most touching thing ever,
I usually dream about my mother, and it is always when I am in a tough spot. After she died, I fell asleep on the living room sofa after a long, hard day. I wandered in there to sit and look at familiar things from the past and fell asleep. I dreamed that she came in and said, “I am going to sit right here in this chair and wait for you girls to join me some day.” I found tremendous comfort in that. My sister took the chair with her, but when I dream about Mama, she is often in or near that chair.
Thinking of you all and praying and sending you love…
xo
Sheila
Sending you blessings and hugs.
I definitely think our loved ones are in touch with us on more than the usual planes, Claudia. In life, as well as in death, we are visited by their essence and life force. It could be that beneath the confusion and dementia, the person she was is still there and still able to send her love to you. I truly believe those things are possible and happen. I felt my father stroke my hair just after he died, when I was in the throes of depression. So I do understand what you felt and sensed. As for this winter, well…. thank goodness the clocks are moving forward on Sunday and we’ll have more daylight, at least! It’s gone beyond building character and is just plain beating us all down, here. But of course, on some cursed hot day in early August, we will be dripping wet and sticking to the pavement and trying to remember this cold with something like fondness. HAH!