Goodness! Yesterday was supposed to be cloudy and rainy but it remained sunny all day. Today was supposed to be cloudy and rainy in the morning and it’s sunny, with a high of 59 degrees. It will most likely rain later in the day, but I can’t complain. It’s beautiful out there.
On the wall in the office. A map of Paris that Don gave me for my birthday a year or so ago. A gold Paris/Eiffel Tower medal that I found in San Diego many years ago. And three Wallace Nuttings. It’s hard to get a clear photo because the sun pours in on either side of this wall. Those are sheep in the Nutting on the bottom right.
I finished M Train by Patti Smith this morning and Don and I promptly traded books. I’ve now started Year of the Monkey. I really love her writing. She has a strong streak of the mystical in the way she sees life and those around her. She’s also a bit of a loner. As I am one, as well, I identify.
As more and more signs of an early Spring show themselves, I am treasuring this time to read with no distractions. Soon, the garden and clean-up will be calling me. The lawn will have to be mowed. I’ll be distracted – happily- by bees and bugs and butterflies and blooms. I saw the beginnings of one of my day lilies yesterday. The daffodils have started to poke through the ground.
So for the present, I’m fully into reading mode. And I’m so grateful for this time in life when I don’t have a 9 to 5 job that takes me away from my books. Been there, done that. I feel as if I’m heading into a stretch of non-fiction, what with the Patti Smith books, the book about the Seine, which I’m still reading, and some other books that are catching my attention over in my TBR piles.
That’s one of the joys of winter that I discovered this year in our attempt to live in the present season, to be patient, to fully see the beauty in the winter landscape. We are afforded the opportunity to hunker down and nest. And that includes reading.
I was discussing ‘alone time’ the other day with our friend, Doug. I’ve always had a great need for privacy and time with myself since I was a young girl. Whether this would have been in me no matter what, or whether it was shaped by four kids and two adults and a dog being crammed into a tiny bungalow, I don’t know. I just know that I need it. I need quiet and reading time, time for reflection, time away from the world. Happily, I am able to find that with Don right here in the house with me. He gives me space. He needs his space, as well. We compliment and support each other that way.
I’ve worked in the theater for most of my life; coaching and teaching. That means that when I was working, I was surrounded by lots of people all of the time. Lots of lively people. I had to be ‘on.’ (Teaching is rather like performing, at least in an acting program.) When I went home at the end of the day, I craved quiet. When I was teaching at Boston University and had the summers off, I was fully capable of being alone for weeks at a time. I would venture out, of course, and take a walk, run an errand, converse with the grocer or the clerk at the bookstore, but mostly, it was time to replenish my energy.
I have friends who are very social. They need to go out to lunch or go somewhere with some friends. I always felt they were normal and that I was not normal. But I now know that it’s normal for me and that there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m an introvert living and working in the theater. That may seem impossible, but there are more of us than you’d think!
Don is more social than I and that’s a good thing. He balances me and his spontaneous ideas for adventures get me out of the house. I’m pleased to say I’ve come up with a few spontaneous ideas as well.
As so often happens in these posts, I had no plans of writing about this, yet here we are. That’s what I love about blogging. I rarely know what will come up in a post.
Happy Tuesday.
Such a worthy topic……my suspicion is the trait is born within us. I’ve observed the tendency in people born into large families and from small. It also seems to evidence more with age.
Perhaps one grows emotionally secure to the point of realizing that preferred interests do not really have to fit what society deems as the norm. It’s quite liberating to be alone to practice Mozart for hours, garden, read, or merely tinker while others would have us believe we simply must be socializing. ( Admittedly major socializing is valid for many ). But the day our shoulders relax and we fully immerse into the moment of what we truly enjoy seems ever so satisfying. I’m grateful you wandered this path today.
Thank you for your thoughts, R. It is liberating to reach an age where we don’t have the need to meet the expectations of others. We can just be. Thank you.
I taught briefly (English Lit/composition) but I agree that it is very much being “on”. Took a lot more energy than my years as a secretary. But it was also energizing. However, coming home was definitely quiet time. No TV, no radio, no stereo–just me and my cats and maybe some papers to grade. Silence is underrated. Isn’t it great to find a mate who also values alone time? As for spring, here NW of Hartford I am seeing birds looking like they are gathering stuff for nests. I only hope we don’t get a big freeze/snow storm and they lose their first batch of babies.
Don and I value silence more and more, Nora. It is definitely underrated. Thank you.
I connect with so much of this. I have to have my own space. The privacy or whatever it might be. That’s why Rick and I live in two separate houses two blocks apart. We see each other every day, overnights on the weekend and probably more than that when he stops working (I keep him awake with my coughing; not good on a “school” night!) We’re good at the lake in a tiny cottage for a week and when we went to Paris and England for three and a half weeks it was the longest time we’d spent 24/7 in the 24 years we’ve been together! You’re lucky you can be alone together and together alone. I think part of that was because when I was working at the station I did a lot of events and there were always people around — the day to day people and then guests, volunteers. Going to events. Working festivals. I can do that because it’s what I do but when I’m done I have to just totally separate. Books — aren’t they the best? I can ‘read’ with other people as long as we actually read (versus share what we are reading, unless the timing is right.) I’m rushing through a bio right now that I’m not particularly enjoying but will hang in with because it kind of fascinates me. It was written in 1937 (abdication year) and is of Edward VIII. It’s a tad too loving and a tad to unrevealing. After having finished Philip Ziegler’s VERY long but thorough version recently, I realize how much this one is not revealing. And maybe in 1937, not even all that well known. So, it’s interesting but not loving it!
The good thing about all that (not the book — before) is that when I do go with friends or in a group now, it’s because I want to be there for whatever reason. (Usually because I like them!) So it’s a much better experience.
Thanks, Jeanie. Everything you said resonates with me. My big fear when Don wanted us to move in together was losing my privacy and my need for a quiet space. It ended up being fine, but I don’t mind saying I was nervous!
I relate so much to this post! I’m also an introvert.
but no one realized it in my earlier years. I’m apparently a good actress.
there was no time to be introverted. we moved every year and sometimes twice a year.
being accepted by new people constantly as a child… I knew early on that I couldn’t be just left alone.
people always worried about a child who strangely enjoyed her own company! LOL.
it would have created problems for everyone so I simply adjusted. I became whatever they supposed I needed to be.
and of course I married a friendly extrovert! and I simply adored him. and would have been perfectly happy with growing old with him. he saw that I needed my own ‘space.’ he was the best! I miss him to this very day.
but since I lost him so early (17 years of marriage) …. I have been alone for many years now.
and I love it. people think I’m lonely. I’m NOT! it’s the first time that I have truly been able to just BE. and to just totally be myself.
as Martha Stewart used to say… “it’s a good thing.” :)
I can be very outgoing and charming and talk a lot when that is needed. But my person preference is for being inside my cottage, in the quiet! Don is also a friendly extravert, Tammy.
And of course, one can be alone and not-at-all lonely, right? I’m happy that you’re happy, Tammy.
I get it. I’m a loner; an introvert. Also in younger years felt I was the odd one, and why couldn’t I live and be like everybody else. Can SO relate to what you’re saying, Claudia! I crave quiet. I actually REQUIRE quiet. It’s how I center myself (replenish, as you said). I was such a sick kid from the toddler years and ongoing (severe asthma and environmental allergies) that I had to learn to get okay with ‘alone’; as, back in the 50s, although it’s diff now, they kept you apart from other kids, from outdoor playtime, etc. So, thanks to my teaching-oriented mother (also somewhat a loner; she kinda held people outside her family circle at arm’s length), I developed indoor pursuits like art and painting (Mom was a very good amateur artist and excelled in watercolors, which isn’t easy); listening to (and memorizing) Broadway cast albums (I probably can still sing [or hum!] most every word of every song from Carousel, Brigadoon, Oklahoma, Camelot, etc.; Mom had been a professional vocalist [girl singer in a band/big band]); a limited amount of ‘sewing’, like embroidery (although I sucked at knitting/crocheting or being at the actual sewing machine, and I hated cooking [still do]!); reading; playing piano (Mom was a very skilled and talented pianist). As a consequence, all of my life, I am solo-okay (just fine, thanks!) and it’s sort of a miracle I’m even married over 30 years. My dad had always said that marriage would be difficult for me (compromise; living with someone else day-in and day-out after moving thru life as a single adult for many years).
But where I differ from you is that my husband is VERY social and does not do good as a loner himself; he is a total extrovert, mega-extrovert (I met him at one of his own, MANY parties); he and I are completely opposite (and I know I’ve ‘held him back’ when it comes to home entertaining, going out, etc.). The only time he sits still is when he’s on his phone and the phone has become his entertainment (and addiction). In retirement, he’s having a rough time transitioning off of full-time, paid work, primarily (I feel) because he misses working with a lot of people (his places of work had included hundreds of people of all ages), which had been his norm. I’ve always felt he’d be bored with retirement (and me). I know he’ll eventually get everything figured out; but, one result of retirement FOR HIM has been a lack of alone-time FOR ME.
I’m never alone now, and it’s driving me crazy, although I love him like the moon. We live in a really-small home; there’s really nowhere to go in the house for any separateness. I don’t know if we’ll ever work it out. We’ve had a good amount of time now to indeed work it out, and it’s not that either of us is THAT unhappy; it’s just that I don’t have any personal time. Without it, I have a hard time organizing and focusing. And what I’ve been doing is trying to create that ‘me’ time after he goes to bed at night, but then he never goes to bed early anymore, and I’m getting too old to deal with the lack of sleep; unlike when younger, I’m tired in the evenings now.
A little bit of separateness is healthy, but it’s a sensitive subject between us and he gets easily offended, and I despair at ever hurting him. Also, he’s a big help to me; since he’s retired, he’s taken over (with no complaining) some household chores and errands that were difficult for me with my ongoing health issues. And he wants nothing for me but my happiness. How could I ever complain about such a great guy? (It’s the situation; not the guy!) He’ll soon (summer) be taking an ambitious road trip out of state (across multiple states) for a school reunion which will include visits to two sets of relatives and he’ll be gone for two weeks. On the one hand, I’d so love to be on that trip with him; to share it. But I’m not up to it healthwise and they are warm-weather states; I can’t take those hot climates (been there, done that). I think overall, it’s the temporary tonic we need, as I’ll stay behind to tend to house & home (four animals). I’ll miss him and be so glad to see him upon his return; but, in the meantime, I’ll use that alone time to good advantage!
Introvert vs extrovert. I have a good friend who goes melancholy/restless unless her monthly calendar/schedule is completely full of appointments and dates with friends (and part-time work) … and things to do outside the home on weekends and holidays. She really can’t stand to be home and be by herself. Never has. To me, it would be exhausting; overwhelming. But she even rented out a room in her house when she didn’t need to, just for the company, I kid you not.
We’re all wonderful in our uniqueness!
It’s tricky, this balance, especially when one of the partners is a true extrovert. Don is an extrovert, but he has really grown to love the quiet and reading and being still. He wasn’t that way always. Maybe your husband will find a balance, too, after he’s been retired a while?
I can so identify with you. I always felt there was something wrong with me because I was not an extrovert. Just the other day I was thinking back to when I was 14 and how happy I felt to stay home and read a book instead of go to a basketball game. Now I understand there was nothing wrong with that. As you get older you mature and are more accepting of yourself. Thanks for bringing up the topic!
Oh me too! I loved to stay home. Thank you, Mary.
As you know, I’m an INFJ, like you. I always like the little saying on your sidebar, “A solitary person who is chatty.” That pretty much sums me up. People are usually surprised when they find out I’m an introvert as in person, I am super friendly and can chat up a storm. Unless I’m in a group of people, then I’m quiet. I get very nervous in groups. And I could never stand up and speak in front of people.
But the alone time…it’s a must for me. I get crabby when I don’t get enough. If I do a lot of “peopling” one day, I need the next day to be alone and replenish. When I have a busy week full of errands and appointments and get-togethers, it’s overwhelming to me and I find myself trying to fast-forward through the week until the day where I can just be at home by myself.
Brian’s an introvert, too but he’s also shy, so he’s not much of a talker unless he really knows a person. He’s also not as social as I am, due to his shyness. We’ve talked about what we’re going to do when he retires (5-1/2 years), because being stuck in the house together 24/7 would drive both of us nuts, lol. He said he’s planning on finding a PT job to get out of the house and have something to do. Good thing he likes to work!
I get very nervous at parties, as well, though I wasn’t that way when I was much younger. Now I find them a trial that I have to get through. I ALWAYS have to replenish after a day of work or of having to deal with very social situations. My first words are: I am going to stay home tomorrow and be quiet! Thank you, Melanie.
first … such pretty colors and composition of that art. great job collecting and putting them all together!
second … i am happy for you to enjoy pretty weather, books and time. i don’t want to wish away time (it goes so fast on its own), but as a social worker of 35+ years, i am looking forward to being able to spend my days how i want in retirement!
third … i very much relate to what you wrote about being introverted. i, too, have a very people-full job and by the end of the workday, i relish and absolutely need time alone … so the drive by itself does me good … and when i put on some music (older stuff from gino vannelli today … love him) … better! :)
hope you have a nice night!
kathy in iowa
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Gino Vanelli. I have several of my favorites on my playlist. Yay! Thank you, Kathy.
me, too, claudia. me, too!
have you ever seen gino in concert? sadly, i have not yet (it”s a goal), but … happily and thanks to my sister, i was able to meet him and say thanks for all the great music. let me know if you want to hear the story or see the photo! :)
kathy in iowa
Would love to hear the story and see the photo. No, I’ve never seen him in concert, sadly. He is simply amazing!
I can relate. I am a person who craves quiet time. I have always been shy. My twin sister and older sister are quiet ,too. We are happy just staying home an dreading or doing other things we enjoy. I think because growing up we had no extended families. Our relatives mostly lived far away. We have great neighbors who we chat with when we meet. Not to change the subject but, speaking of garden work,my twin sister and I cleaned up the front yard yesterday and planted a few daffodil bulbs. Two of our crocus came up already. It rained here this afternoon after a sunny morning.
Marilyn
Crocus! How lovely! I’m going to check the far reaches of the property and see what’s happening. Thank you, Marilyn.
Oh my goodness….SAME! I am an elementary school teacher and after being around over 200 little people all day, by the time I get home, I just crave quiet. I don’t even watch television. I’m secretly thankful my only child is the same way! Haha! Our house is amazingly quiet until my husband makes it home on the weekends.
The quiet is healing, isn’t it? I understand. Thank you, Mandy!