(I have two posts up today. Scroll down if you’re interested in downloading the latest Christmas Critter patterns.)
It’s July 31st. My mom’s birthday. And so we come up against another first in what will be a year of firsts. She would have been 87 today.
What can I say? I miss her terribly, of course. I wish I could talk to her. I still think of things I want to tell her – that happens to everyone who loses a loved one – but the fact remains that I was unable to talk to her except for brief moments during the last year she was in the nursing home. I’d reconciled myself to that loss long before she died.
By the time we moved to the cottage, my parents were no longer traveling. They saw our home in San Diego. They never saw the rental cottage we lived in when we first moved to New York. My mom never really wanted to fly again after September 11th and Dad wouldn’t come without her. But I would have loved it so much if they could have come here. I would have loved to share our little cottage with them, flaws and all. Mom knew I loved to garden, though I wasn’t at all interested in that during my youth. I think she would have liked this view. She would have liked sitting on our porch. (I come from a porch-sitting family.)
She would have liked sitting on the funky patio.
I think she might have been impressed by my gardens. And I can guarantee you she would have said something like, “Who is this girl?” Because it was a skill I didn’t have when I was still living in Michigan. I had lots of indoor plants, but gardening? Digging in the dirt? No.
That came later.
I think she would have liked the cottage. When she used to visit us in San Diego, she loved to do crossword puzzles and read books in our downtime. Don was amazed at how many books she got through during a visit.
The apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree, does it?
She would have showered Scoutie and Riley with attention.
It makes me sad that she never spent any time here, in this place we have made into a home.
However, I’ve certainly felt her presence here, as you know. So I guess she has visited the cottage.
In her own way.
Happy Birthday, Mom. You are loved and adored.
What a beautiful thought on her birthday – that you have so much of her still with you, that you recognize what she would have been thinking.
Happy summer birthday memories on this day.
Thank you, Leslie Anne.
Beautifully said, Claudia.
Thank you, Debra.
What a lovely tribute to your mom and dad.
I remember Dad always saying how much he regretted not saying how much he loved his mom while she was alive. And I now feel the same way toward him. I think this is a natural phenomena experienced through the generations.
I strongly believe, though, that our loved ones have “seen” our lives’ successes from their new realm, whatever it may be.
Thank you, Karen.
Such a sweete post Claudia and it certainly struck home with me since my Dad passed away last October and he would have been 94 at the end of May. My husband and I talk about him often and say how much he would enjoy seeing this or that or hearing this or that. I think he does see and hear those things. My Mom has been gone 10 years and had been in a nursing facility for about 3 years prior to her passing. She had some dementia and when she passed I found that I had been mourning her for several years already. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of both my Mom and Dad in some way, but I think that keeps them close to me, if you know what I mean. And usually the thoughts of them come from something that has made me laugh — one of those awesome, deep, belly-laughs. Enjoy your memories!
Thank you, Vera.
I think that the ones who have gone on are always with us in some way. I remember reading something when I was very, very young that said no one ever leaves us as long as we carry them in out heart. That has brought me a lot of comfort over the years and I hope that today it will bring you some. I’m sorry that you’re feeling a bit sad today. I wish I could give you a gentle hug and pat you on the back and say “there hon, it will be okay” and in my heart I am.
Thank you for the felt patterns, I’ll put little strawberries on mine. I have to because my daughter was convinced as a young child that without cows with strawberries on them we would not have strawberry milk. It was only logical, we had white cows for white milk, brown cows for chocolate so there must be strawberry cows. I can not make a cow now without strawberries on it, and she is 21.
Fill your day with happy memories, you know its what your parents would want you to do. They’d be so fiercely proud of you.
Thank you, Ila.
Lovely post, Claudia…and I love how you ended it…as I believe, when you think of her, she’ll be right there with you. I think of my dad all the time when I’m out in the garden, and feel his presence there, too. Love to you as you remember your mother today…
Thank you, Linda.
Claudia, We never stop mourning our moms. Mine has been gone over 20 years, and there are times when I still reach for the phone to call her. The memories we have are what keep them alive for us.
I don’t believe in spirit things, but when words come out of my mouth that aren’t strictly correct grammatically I feel my mom give me a tap upside my head. She was a stickler for correct grammar. Once n a while I her her laughter. I know these things are imagined, but I find comfort in the,
Your mom is seeing your cottage and your gardens. I know she is there with you and sharing what you love. I can imagine her sitting on your lovely porch and looking out over all your hard work. She is saying, ‘” Claudia when did you learn to love this dirty stuff? I am glad you did, because everything is so beautiful and peaceful.”
Thank you, Trudy.
Your post brings tears to my eyes, Claudia. I know just what you mean. Sometimes when I’m reading a book or watching a movie, I’ll think how my mom would have loved it too. Blessings, Bess
Thank you, Bess.
Beautifully said Claudia. I’m sure your Mom would have loved your cottage and gardens. Enjoy your memories today. ;)
Thank you, Donnamae.
Happy Birthday in spirit to you today Claudia’s Mom..Claudia..keep your mind and your heart open to signs today..Hugs!
Thank you, Nancy.
Claudia, Today’s post is so filled with emotion and warmth. I felt love and longing oozing from every line. I too lost my mom in April so am feeling alot of the same emotions we all go through the first year. There is a definite rawness when someone so dear has recently passed. I have to remind my self daily that my mom wouldn’t want me to dwell in sadness, but remember good times and fond memories. Hugs across the miles.
Thank you, Dianne.
Oh, that is hard. The first time a parent’s birthday rolls around after they’ve gone. But you still can “talk” to your Mom, Claudia. Whenever you want. I “speak” to both my parents, all the time. Quite often I’m looking around for something around the house and say “Mom, where the heck did I put that?” Or I see something I know they would have enjoyed or I run into an old friend of theirs. Maybe I’m driving past our old house at the lake. Things like that. And I’m always comforted somehow. Even if I’m not hearing their responses. What I was taught as a child, and even more what I’ve come to believe in my own heart throughout my life, is that just because you can’t see someone anymore, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Big squeeze, my friend.
Thank you, Janet.
Very poignant post.
Thank you, Linda.
Thank you for the photos and beautiful thoughts.
A few years after I moved here a couple of grown sisters stopped by and asked if they could pick some of the roses in my yard and take to the local cemetery for their mother, Sally, who owned the house before me. They drove over from Arizona so I invited them in for a visit to see the house and yard. At times I feel that the man, George, who planted all the fruit trees and roses is with me while working in the yard. We made several large bouquets for all the family members buried close by and then they left.
A few months ago someone was taking photos of my yard and the neighbor commented about it… I realized the man in the truck had a Arizona license plate…probably someone from the family of George and Sally.
A lovely story. Thank you, Judy.
I just found your blog today via The Gardener’s Cottage.
The year of ‘firsts’ is so hard and I am so sorry for you and for anybody else that is having to go through it. My mom has been gone for 8 years now and it just makes me angry and sad to think we have been without her for that long. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier with time, but it really doesn’t. I guess maybe I don’t think about her quite as often as I did in the very beginning, but that sense of loss is always there.
Thank you, Melodee.
Claudia, your cottage and gardens are beautiful havens of peace, I’m sure your mother has been there and loves it! Hugs today. Hedy
Thank you, Hedy.
Nearly 18 years for me now since my own mother passed and I still begin to pick up the phone to call her. I’m so sorry your mom missed visiting your lovely home and garden that you love so much Claudia. I’m with you, I believe they are present and send their love.
The first year is so very difficult with all it’s firsts without our loved ones. Please know I’m thinking of you today and sending lots of hugs and wishes for comfort your way. xo
Thank you, Sally.
Claudia – My thoughts are with you today. I lost my Mom 16 years ago. Yes, the year of “firsts” are very hard. I still miss her tremendously. Some days it feels like just yesterday, and some days it feels like forever ago. God blessed us both with wonderful mothers. I’ve been meaning to mention that I absolutely LOVE the picture that you have of your mother on your book blog site. Beautiful Lady!
Thank you, Melanie. She was beautiful, indeed.
Claudia, that first year after a passing is always so hard. I lost my Dad nine years ago and I miss him all the time, but with his Dementia it was really hard to talk to him that last year. I’m glad you have Don and your sister to share this time with. Thinking of you and Meredith today.
hugs,
Linda
P.S. I often look at Tiger and think how much my Dad would have loved him! So full of life and energy and my Dad would have so enjoyed that. I know he is watching over us all.
I had a friend tell me one time that it’s not the years you count after losing someone, but the occasions. He said you count anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. I have found this to be very true. But, then again, on those special days you remember fondly what you did with that loved one and remember the good times. Your Mom will always be with you in one way or the other.
Judy
She has visited you there and she knows that you are very happy in your beautiful home.
Love you,
M
Claudia – a wonderful way to remember your mom today on her birthday. A first for sure– on this long year of remembrances.
Pray that you have a sweetness added to the day– with your many thoughts of her.
Oh, Claudia, big hugs from me. I understand exactly how you feel. Donna
What a beautiful way to remember your Mom. Yes, the 1st year is the hardest having the “firsts” of everything without her. My Mom has only been gone for 18 months and it is still very hard. I talk to her many times during the day and have a space in my flower garden filled with plants that I brought from her house after she passed away. I feel very close to here there. You put my thoughts into beautiful words and I thank you for that.
Claudia,
Birthday Wishes In honor of your Beautiful and Beloved Mom~~~~and for you I wish a heart filled with treasured Memories , peace, and that you feel the loving warmth of your Mom’s presence today and everyday~~~~
Debbi
Happy Birthday to your mother!! oh, the year of “firsts”…nothing prepares us for that.
Who knows-she has possibly already seen all you long to show her.
Hugs to you….
How tough it must have been today. I hope future years bring sweeter remembrances on your mother’s birthday. It’s been 39 years since my mother died, on her 45th birthday. Each time her birthday rolls around, one my siblings and I laugh about a special present we bought her for her 30th birthday. We saved our allowances for weeks to buy her something special. We were 10 and 9. We walked downtown to the five-and-dime and chose what we considered a beautiful round flower (plastic) arrangement for the wall, befitting her beauty. She burst into tears when we brought it home. It was a funeral wreath. We laugh now when we share that memory and others. We remember, as you do, how our mother loved to read, passing that joy down to us.
The first year without a Loved one …pains the heart. You see things everywhere that remind you and in those quiet moments you could almost hear their voices. Hold tight to those sweet memories Claudia.
Blessings, Joanne
A touching post, Claudia, and a lovely remembrance of your mother. Hugs to you on a difficult day. xxoo Martha
You will always have your memories, and through them she lives on with you. Yes, that first year is hard with all the firsts, and, sadly, the subsequent years don’t get all that much easier, at least not for the first several. Life is so short when we contemplate the amount of time we are given to spend on the earth. I hope each day gets a bit easier for you, and that you always know that she is by your side no matter where you travel or live and that you continue to feel her presence.
A poignant post Claudia, I’m sure you’re right in that your mum would have loved many aspects of your cottage and garden and the life you’ve made there, but I’m sure that above all she would have been unreservedly proud of you.