Yesterday was raw and windy and the cold seemed to penetrate my bones and heart. All day long, relentless wind, which always leaves me feeling edgy and restless. I watched old episodes of The Big Valley and The Rifleman, which I found strangely comforting.

I’m feeling blue. As the day draws nearer, the realization that Don and I are going to be apart on Christmas has finally hit me. Our Christmases are never elaborate, always simple. We are used to being away from our families on the holidays. My family is spread out all over the country. Don’s is out in California. And, though I missed them all terribly, I knew that I had our Christmas to look forward to. Our little nuclear family.

This year, everything is different. There is a place right in front of me where Riley should be resting. He isn’t here this Christmas. He should be. I miss him so very, very much.

We made this choice, Don and I, because the job opportunity was such a good and rewarding one. And I’ve stayed positive the whole time, becoming the cheerleader I never was in real life, saying ‘yes! you have to do this,’ downplaying the Christmas part of the whole thing. But it’s caught up with me. And I’m blue.

That’s where I am on a Sunday morning.