We both woke up at an impossibly early hour this morning. Neither of us knows why. Consequently, we had our second cup of coffee a bit earlier than usual. I managed to catch a glimpse of the groundhog, who had heard our voices and was moving away from the area right by the front porch. Hmmm…. A bit too close, my friend. He doesn’t have the gray around his muzzle that Henry had, so I think we officially know that Henry is gone.
I told the groundhog that if he is going to move into Henry’s home, he had better be a gentleman like Henry was. No ifs, ands, or buts. Henry was the most gentlemanly of groundhogs.
Because of our early wakeup, I got outside to take some photos.
In the Secret Garden.
More later this week.
We’re laying low today. We were going to do that yesterday, but we got word Don’s car was ready – to the tune of $600 – and I drove him into the neighboring town to get it. A word about that. We had a message over the weekend it was ready. So Don called the guy (who he really likes) yesterday and his jaw dropped open when he heard the price. This followed a long explanation of what the guy had done to find the source of the problem, which had been a mystery, and they had the car for several days while they tried to solve it. Understood.
My beef was that he had never given us an estimate. This car is 20 years old, and while we’re not ready to give it up, money is tight. Don spoke to him at length and then I got on the phone with him and was very firm about the lack of an estimate. He was defensive. (He’s a good guy and he has saved this car more than once and I am aware of that.) I didn’t yell or anything, I just said – after another longwinded explanation of what he had done – that in the future we require an estimate. Interestingly, the night before Don said that he was sure it must be a modest bill or R. would have called us to get our okay on the price.
Here’s my question: I have this tendency to review what I said afterward and feel guilty. Why is that? I was polite, I was firm, but I made my point clear. I didn’t say anything wrong. The car is in my name and I have a right to question the lack of an estimate. Nevertheless, I worried that it might have an effect on Don’s client relationship with the guy who I’ll call R. Both Don and I have a history of being people pleasers and it’s only in the last 15 years or so that we have learned to be firm about certain things. We both have issues with feeling guilt afterwards. I certainly did yesterday. We don’t like to make a fuss, we’re uncomfortable with conflict. Asserting myself when necessary is something I’ve had to learn to do over time, especially in my career.
Some of this need to avoid conflict is part of being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I recognize that. Anyway. R. ended up admitting he should have given us an estimate. I’m fine now, but I’d really like to get over this guilt I feel when I rightfully assert myself. Is this part of being a female raised in the fifties and sixties? Is this because I hate conflict? Is this because I don’t like people being upset with me? All of the above? I think it’s all of the above.
Stay safe.
Happy Tuesday.
Good Morning,
Your photos are so beautiful.
I totally relate to everything you said, I keep wondering when I will quit questioning myself. It is so exhausting to go over the same territory over and over, even when I am totally within my rights to say something. I just do not get it.
I wish you well and stay safe.
Kaye
Good to know there are others struggling with the same thing, Kaye. Stay safe!
Your yard looks lovely – your hard work is sure paying off! I know exactly what you mean. When I was in the hospital last week, I would say “I’m sorry” whenever I had to buzz the nurses (who were wonderful by the way) and each would say, “don’t be sorry, I am glad to help you.” I don’t want to be a bother and I want people to like me, I guess. But I should be able to assert myself (politely) without feeling guilty! Thanks for sharing your feelings!
Yes, we all should be able to be assertive without guilt! How are you feeling, Ellen? Stay safe.
Better each day, Claudia. Thanks for asking!
xo
I hope you and the new ground hog have many years of being happy neighbors. I, too, question myself when I have to be assertive, and wonder if I’ll ever ‘grow’ out of it. I think it’s something so many of us women share. I’m working on not being intimidated by other women who are assertive and see it as a strength. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, when we label categorize other women as real “B’s” because they stand up for themselves. I have a co-worker who is so strong, but ever so tactful, and I’m trying to learn from her!
I so admire women like that. I’m working on it, too. Stay safe, Karen.
Part of growing up in that era, being female, and just being a nice person. Trust me, I have learned that I am the same way…long story not for a blog…you did the right thing…you were firm and nice. It is over…just forget it…and move on…he will remember this lesson and not do it again, hopefully…a big chunk of money and a surprise. Another thing…I don’t know this person’s age, but my friends and I have discovered, as we get older, we are sometimes invisible…and others don’t ask our opinions or when dealing with merchants, asked what we want. Sometimes in a store-before the virus-I want to say…Look at me…I am here…my grands tell me I am too sweet…but alas…also…I love your photographs…and as to being up early…several on blogs were as was I–five instead of six. Have a good good day…you are such an inspiration to so many. Glad you posted this…brenda b
I don’t know his age, either, but we were on the phone, so he had no idea of my age. But I do get your point about being invisible. It happens to most of us over the age of 65. Stay safe, Brenda.
I have to say, this made me ponder. Invisible. Wow. I am NOT liking where I live right now and I just realized that’s a big part of it. Most of the housing tract has reverted to young people and there’s only a handful of us left who are the ‘seniors’/’old-timers’ in the neighborhood but, it’s true, they have no time for us. (Not all, but seems to be true for the majority of neighbors.) They dismiss us. We hold no importance. They do what they want, even if it affects my aesthetic and even my property, with no thought of anyone but themselves. It’s a bit arrogant, isn’t it; that kind of self-involvement and/or self-importance. I hope to God when I was in my 30s & 40s (and younger) that I had more respect but I can remember getting very impatient when in a store line, waiting on somebody older who was slowly counting out change or writing a paper check when I was in a big hurry (as young people are) with my plastic.
I had to have a hard look at it last night, not that I haven’t before since Covid, but after I heard some of the infectious disease experts talk on the various TV news shows (new worries about spiking, surge, huge amounts of people in the streets, inadequate reporting of positive cases and deaths, state by state), I realized once more how much ‘on my own’ I am about potential coronavirus exposure, because there are just too many people out there who don’t care about this minor amount/percentage of vulnerable people who are older and with the underlying conditions that make for big complications should they get the virus. Various clips showing people eating at restaurants, no masks of course (since can’t eat easily with a mask on); unless it’s a camera angle, looked to me like inadequate spacing of tables; people here in my own locale of SoCalif who continue to crowd the beaches and trails; those who refuse to wear a mask in a store (and then challenge me for wearing one in my own front yard, although she wasn’t one of the young ‘uns). One of these experts said that we should all be proud of the collective effort to stay inside (Mar-Apr-May) and how many were saved from the virus as a result; how much people cared about keeping each other safe. Bull-puppy; they cared about keeping THEMSELVES safe when none of us knew hardly anything about what the virus could do. Now that they figure they can probably skirt the effects successfully…not as afraid of it…they want to soothe their restlessness and frustration by going out, mingling, getting life back to what it was (of course some have to go back to work, and I ‘get’ that, obviously). But it’s what they want for self, not for what’s best for the others.
I watched as this one woman was interviewed by a TV reporter, sitting in what looked like an upscale restaurant in Sonoma County (Calif – – it’s a monied area here in the northern part of the state), with her equally well-tended friends, and I got such an impression of ENTITLEMENT from what she said, that (my words/interpretation) this was their life and they’re allowed to have it, so there (and good luck to the rest of you who aren’t as privileged and healthy and younger as ‘we’ are). I’m tell’in ya, I saw that and was disgusted. It’s a cruel world; nobody and I mean NOBODY is going to keep me safe from Covid, but me. I am invisible and expendable.
Entitlement. That’s the word for it. Such a sense of entitlement. I want to smack them. As Don said the other day, “You’d think the pandemic was over…” It’s ridiculous. And I get angry because so many seem not to care, so I am forced to self-isolate for who knows how long because they don’t frigging care. xo
See, I thought I was sounding awfully bitter when I re-read my comment just now, but I’m glad it’s not just me, ’cause I feel like I want to slap ’em, too, Claudia! I will self-isolate right along with you, Claudia; we’re in this together (some of us!). You and Don, me and my beloved; missing people in our lives for sure; but, in the end, it’s TEMPORARY! (Have to believe that; just have to.) We’ll count the days and we will keep calm and carry on! I worry too as to how long, how long; and will we be able to stand it til there’s a vaccine (I have a few mini meltdowns here & there, I can’t lie!); but, you know, Claudia, we can do this! We have to! Because at the other end, we who are the vulnerable will get OUR lives back, too. And it’ll be GREAT! Hang in there. I’m glad somebody (you) feels like I do; makes me feel less alone on the subject. Sending you a big cyber hug, grateful for your support as always, dear friend.
Oh, and I was so worried about bringing delivery guys into my house with that new frig that’s coming tomorrow. Then my husband had the genius idea to just have them leave it in the garage. He didn’t have time yet to hook up the water line (don’t want to go under the house with all those ants!); we’re just not ready; the frig came into our lives too soon, although we’re glad. (Got a deal we couldn’t pass up; heretofore hadn’t planned on a new frig til maybe August or September, but you gotta bite when you see a [Memorial Day] steal!) He’ll rent a furniture dolly when he’s ready to get it up the steps into the house (in fact, we may take the time to paint the walls in that area of the kitchen; then, it’s done, just move it once except for cleaning down the road); but, in the meantime, whew, big relief for coronavirus-paranoid me (we haven’t had anybody else’s ‘air’ [droplets] in this house since January); nobody has to come inside the house, the new frig can ‘decontaminate’ for a few days in the garage, our old frig is just fine for the time being although probably on its last legs; so, wee crisis averted. These are the things that brighten my mood rather than darken it! And we’ll also hopefully cool down the weather tomorrow with a return of the marine layer and Santa Anas be gone (only got to 95 today; it’s an improvement!).
Another ‘oh!’ – – Husband went to the first doctor’s appointment today since first of the year. I know Don had to go to the eye doctor, so you know how tentative this feels … anyway, all went well, my guy did wear gloves because he knew there’d be paperwork as a first-time patient (podiatrist; he’s having some small issues), but nobody else in the lobby as only one patient allowed in the small office at one time; they opened the doors so he never touched a doorknob; they disinfected the chair before he sat in it; the doctor came in with gloves and mask; he’d taken off his own shoes, so really nothing more to touch. Was actually quite effortless. So I figure if he can do it without anything weird happening, I’ll be next. I’m a repeat patient, so not even any paperwork to do for me. Clearly the medical people have this ‘down’.
So, see, bit by bit, little by little, we-the-vulnerable have learned and are learning how to keep living in this abnormal world. What and who you can count on; what you can’t. And you and I are lucky, Claudia; we’ve got houses and yards, such that we can be outdoors and get away from our ‘four walls’ without ever having to leave our properties; so, blessings. The gratitude list. My dad’s lesson to me for being grateful every day. I often fail in it, but it always comes back. Maybe it’s Dad ‘talk’in’ to me … he was always looking out for me my whole life, so maybe that much hasn’t changed …
I read someone’s response to a comment on Twitter yesterday that said much the same thing. She said those of us who are ‘good soldiers’ and did the right thing will have to pay for others’ disregard of the rules. She said it pisses her off. Amen.
And now Trump is going to hold a rally in Tulsa where no one will wear a mask because their cult leader doesn’t wear a mask. And Jacksonville Fl will host the convention. Both of those cities will see upticks in the number of COVID cases, of that I am sure.
xo
Yes, the new projections/numbers for the virus are very sobering. But does it sink in with most people? Apparently not. Maybe the story of the young girl in Chicago(?), having had Covid and been on a vent for two months resulting in holes in her lungs which were nearly adhered to her chest wall (something like that) and now needing a lung transplant, will have some kind of impact, which is why I’m glad those types of news reports get out to a wider public. But it’s as if ‘reopening’ means end of virus. And Trump doesn’t want anything mentioned about virus because he doesn’t want it to affect the economy by closing people in again. Economy, he thinks, and his reelection go hand in hand, but this is no new news to anyone and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure him out, although nothing he does makes sense (he’s really going off the rails lately more than usual), and who wants to try to put your brain in his head to figure him out? Yuck. Bottom line: He doesn’t care how many lives are lost with Covid. Distancing and masks are bad words to him; he wants people to mingle and stimulate the economy, even if it kills them. If there’s a good thing, you can count on Trump doing the bad thing. (And you can count on the fact that he doesn’t care one whit about YOU.) He has no moral compass. He is arrogant, rude and nasty toward people. He has NO leadership qualities or skills. Tone deaf. Out of touch. Just the most UNpleasant man who should not have power within his grasp. He’s the complete opposite of what is empathetic or intelligent or thoughtful or sensible and correct. I can’t think of anyone in my overall life, even with personal relationships, or people I’ve worked with or known about or whatever, who is so completely inadequate as a human being as is Trump. I just want him voted out of office so that I never have to hear his voice or see his image for the rest of my life. He upsets me beyond measure. He’s been an unwelcome intruder into my life and well-being for long enough; VOTE HIM OUT. It’s just a broken record that’s playing again and again. I probably said the same things this time four years ago. He has turned out to be the worst possible president than I ever could have imagined. I knew it would be bad, but not THIS bad. The scarier side of this is that he’s also dangerous in deep and dark ways. Again, worst scenario, to have someone with that kind of mind and personality in a position of power. We can’t, as Americans, ever let this happen again, that somebody like him can slip into such a vital role. I don’t keep specific track or interest in polls, although they’re certainly put before us a lot, but the one I heard about on one of the news talk shows showed that a very-large percentage of Americans feel the country is in a real mess that simply MUST get sorted out soon, which is of course also why we’re so upset all the time and, like you with Don and needing to be held in the middle of the night, VERY uneasy.
Yes, he’s been in my head for five years now, rent-free. I want him EVICTED.
I can relate and it is worse at night, laying there thinking and questioning oneself. I wonder if part of the reason is that of being an introvert?
Well, I don’t know but I certainly am an introvert, as well. Hmmm. Stay safe, Trina.
You were one hundred percent right to question the lack of an estimate. Don’t second guess yourself on that! Our Subaru is eighteen years old and we are pragmatic about how much cash we want to put into it. Our mechanics are on board with that.
I’m laughing though at the familiarity of your situation. My sweetie has a habit of interacting with door-to-door salesmen (windows, solar panels and vacuums) and I’m the one who has to be firm to get them out of our house. I’m more of a peacemaker by nature. It’s definitely a learned skill for me. Practice makes perfect, lol.
I’m wonderfully tactful if I have time to plan ahead what to say, but my favorite moments have always been when I just blurt out what I’m thinking and it comes out right. I think my mom and grandma were ahead of their time in being strong and opinionated women and it must have rubbed off on me!
And in these times, I’m even more determined to let my voice be heard. It feels powerful to stand up for myself and others!
Total change of subject–does your new groundhog have a name yet?
Stay safe!
Yes, we must let our voices be heard and not back off or apologize!
No name yet. Don says we haven’t seen him enough to have a name yet and when it’s the right time, the name will present itself.
Stay safe, Roxie.
Well…when you get it all figured out..will you let me know? I was much more assertive when I became a mom…the stance of a bear defending her young comes to mind. My kids are grown now…they can defend themselves. So, I find myself returning to my non-assertive ways, unless something really ticks me off. Then, I compliment, state my case/complaint, thank them and that’s it. If I feel I am justified, I try really hard not to feel bad…but, that feeling always comes back. Why?
R was wrong in not giving you an estimate. Period. You were right to say something. As long as you were nice about it, hopefully, Don’s relationship with his car’s mechanic should remain intact. ( Believe me, I know that’s an important one.)
Your gardens look lush. Hope you can make friends with the new resident groundhog. Are you going to name him, too? Enjoy your afternoon! ;)
Thanks for the support, Donna. I can be very assertive when it comes to my loved ones. Then I’ll fight tooth and nail. But in matters like these, when clearly I was right, I still feel guilt! Sigh.
We will name him, but as Don says, the name will present itself. We haven’t observed this guy enough. Stay safe!
My thought is, how we are wired impacts how we are affected by and respond to all of the above. Once I finally realized that I’m a sensitive introvert it made it a little easier. It’s good to be sensitive but it can be a real burden. Standing up for myself, while considering the feelings of others and not feeling guilty, is a continual work in progress.
Love the pictures of your flowers and garden.
I’m an adult child of an alcoholic, an introvert, and have strong feelings of empathy, I wouldn’t say I was an empath, but I’m close – so all of that makes me extra sensitive and unsure about things like this. You’re right, Mary. It’s a continual work in progress. Thank you. Stay safe!
This is so me. Guilt. And since we are the same age and I am also an adult child of an alcoholic parent, I would agree that it is all of the above.
Yes, I think you’re right. Thanks, Sandy. Stay safe!
Don’t feel guilty!! First of all, he should have given you an estimate, even if it was more of a “guesstimate” since he didn’t really know what he was looking for. I think several of the other comments hit it just right – it’s often the way many of us women were raised, as people pleasers. It can be difficult to say no, to disagree, etc. without feeling guilty. I still struggle with it, in my early 60’s, but have gotten much better at it over the years.
Everything looks so green and fresh in your beautiful yard. Every day this time of year I look forward to seeing what you will share with us.
Thanks, Jayne. I don’t feel guilty today and Don helped me a lot. He just urged me to let it go and to know that I said the right thing. Stay safe!
Hi Claudia, given that you and Don have had an ongoing relationship with this mechanic he based his decisions on that past work, the needs of the car and the needs of you having the desire to keep it ticking. I think he should have given you an estimate as well as you should have requested one. He probably had a good amount of time and effort already invested when he figured out the real problem and went ahead and fixed it. Actually, in todays’s market, $600 for a car repair is very well within reason, however not so for our pocketbooks! I understand your frustration, you are not happy with the cost, the way he handled it or the way you reacted to the surprise. That is exactly how I would be feeling! Then my husband would say, “now hon, take it into account. Do you want to have your car repaired by someone you trust or do you want to shop around for the unknown?”
Claudia, you are right to feel the way you do, but, give yourself some grace, smile that you are able to move past this and look forward to a nice evening with Don…
The price is a lot for us, but I don’t think he overcharged us. I just wish we’d had some idea what was to come. That’s where I got frustrated. No communication other than he was still working on it and ‘it’s ready.’ But he acknowledged the fact that he should have given us an estimate. So I think things are okay. Don is the one who dropped off the car, so he should have requested the estimate. He’s a bit too easy going about this sort of thing. He wasn’t so easy going when he heard the charge!
We’re fine now. It’s fixed. Thanks, Kelly. Stay safe!
I think it’s all the above. I go through the same thing. But then again, I tend to second guess myself over pretty much anything I say – in person or online – especially if it’s something controversial.
You’d think by this point in our lives it would be easier, but it’s not. Thanks, Melanie. Stay safe.
I think it is all the things you mentioned. I thought you were talking about me, in fact!! I click on all the boxes you mentioned. I hate confrontation and I think that comes from being raised in the 50’s/ 60’s and also as an adult child of alcoholics. We always found ourselved on the tightrope trying to keep, or find, the calm. Too much for a young kid, but it surely stays with us. I am so thankful that we raised a very strong daughter (and son) who do stand up for themselves.
Hope the new groundhog grows to appreciate the rules of the house. You know how those young Whippersnappers can be!!
Exactly. I never knew when my dad would get angry or when an argument would suddenly rage – out of nowhere. Always trying to keep the peace.
This groundhog needs to be schooled! He’s pretty cute.
Stay safe, Chris.
I won’t tell you about letting go of the guilt because I still carry guilt for stuff I should have let go a long time ago! But I admire you for saying that and making it stick. Just think, if no one said when something was wrong — say, a 17-year-old with a video camera on her phone witnessing police violence, for example — certain things might never come to light. Large or small, we all hold some responsibility for saying when something is wrong. It might not change. But it might.
Your garden is such a haven and I will look forward to more photos to come. Meanwhile, it’s hot as all get out here and possibly moving your way, so chill!
That 17 year old is a hero – brave and principled. Bravo to her.
It’s not on its way, it’s here – very hot today. Thank you, Jeanie. Stay safe.
I re-do conversations in my mind afterwards, amending my words, second-guessing. Standing up for myself doesn’t come easily to me either. Being about the same age, I know that we were deeply inculcated in not challenging the patriarchy and even tho we weren’t deeply religious, we were always reminded about the Golden Rule and it felt like a sin if I got angry with anyone. It’s getting better for me to be assertive but I’m never comfortable with it. Getting an unexpected bill that without getting approval beforehand is an unwelcome surprise, especially from someone you’ve known and trusted. Thanks for the beautiful photos of your house. Your hard work and care are evident!
You’re welcome, Nora. I will keep on being more assertive until it feels entirely comfortable! Stay safe.
I totally agree it is part of being a female raised in the 50’s and 60’s. I think, at least for me, it is only when we get in our later years that we realize we have to speak out especially if we realize we are getting taken advantage of because of our “niceness:.
I really love the pictures of your cottage and yard.
Have a nice day, Claudia and Don.
Thank you, Linda. It’s never to late to speak up, right? Stay safe.
Can I give you my take on this. I’m an old military brat and our motto is Never Assume. He assumed you would be okay with the total and you assumed he would call. Always say to the guy ‘call me with the estimate’ that is never assuming. It is not rude or mean. He is busy and might assume you are okay with whatever. I had a lot of businesses do this when we lived in Virginia. One time the car guy assumed we would call and my husband assumed he would call so our car sat in his lot for 3 weeks after it was done. Believe me, never assume. I had another business assume and so they took my order and the money and did not call me to tell me that what I ordered would not be delivered. They assumed I would just know. And I have several other stories like that.
Well, Don is the one who took the car in and he should have mentioned that. It just didn’t occur to him. But you’re right, Jan. Never assume – very good advice for just about everything! Stay safe.
What you’re speaking of is, to me, a really complicated and multi-layered subject. Being female, standing up for yourself, then feeling guilt or uncertainty; the second-guessing.
Speaking from the standpoint of a baby boomer woman (and our influences from another era), I do think there is something about being female which makes us too prone to trying to be pleasing and ‘make nice’, don’t hurt anybody else’s feelings, don’t be controversial, don’t put people down, etc. Other people out there are nasty and insensitive but YOU don’t need to be; don’t lower yourself to their level. You’re a girl; have good etiquette. Cultivate dignity and decorum, even when you feel you want to punch somebody in the face. (I have never punched anybody in the face.)
Avoiding conflict: I watched my parents do that my whole life. Do not court problems. Detach and do your own thing; stay out of other people’s business or it’ll come back to bite you in the butt (not worth the confrontation or involvement; it’ll be harder on you than them in the long run). Keep to yourself. Don’t stand out; safer to blend in. Keep low under the radar. Be a little invisible.
(And I know, or think I know why. They’d just themselves grown up with so much insecurity in The Great Depression. When you had to scrape for every little and big thing. Then starting out their married life after WWII with just nothing. Such that you didn’t want anybody to ever get an upper hand and be able to take anything away from you. Hold onto what you have. Reach a little, not a lot. Must be safe. Must self-protect. They’d known a harsh world. My mom’s family nearly starved to death in the 1930s; my dad’s in the 1920s. [I’m proud of all who came before me, but some of my ancestors endured a lot of poverty over the centuries. Neither of my grandmothers graduated from high school; my one grandfather only had a 3rd grade education. They were all intelligent, but poverty perpetuated and perpetuated, because they had such a deficit with few job skills; no schooling,])
My folks only chose their ‘battles’ with extreme caution and planning. Chose their words carefully, too (although Mom could be the mistress of innuendo). I think they often considered what could they control and what they could not, so act accordingly. At one point when I was growing up, I thought they were wimps. I remember when we had horrible neighbors (kinda like I still have, all the years later!). Mom and Dad would do a lot of grumbling within the confines of our home (private) yet be passive when it came to dealing with the problem, even when I felt the neighbor was walking all over them. I think with my dad, who was very logical and pragmatic, he was just weighing consequences. My husband is the same.
Growing up with 1940s-era parents who tried to bring me up to be polite and have some refinement; that arguing with someone isn’t mannerly; respect authority (don’t ‘talk back’ to adults); be a lady; be demure; boldness and being brash or brazen is not attractive; being outspoken or even loud is NOT feminine; gosh, when my mom was a tomboy kid in the 1920s, she would even get reprimanded by her grandmother for WHISTLING. I hate the lessons passed down that girls should be subdued and submissive. Isn’t it why women ‘broke out’ of their 1950s housewives’ roles? (There are books on the subject!!) For some of us girls growing up in the increasingly-feminist U.S., late 60s and into the 70s, we had the tug ‘o war; to be as our moms and grandmas taught (and also defer to men) or be a ‘women’s libber’ (or how do you do both [‘women’s libber’ was used by some as a negative term; I got that a lot]); was a lot of confusion; can’t immediately shake off all of our influences. So much is ingrained. The female stereotype in all the old books we read back then (I was often reading my mom’s books from when SHE was an impressionable teen; our small community library had old works of fiction that dated to the 20s & 30s which I just sucked up like a sponge); what we saw in the old black & white movies which came on TV, or even lyrics to songs from earlier 20th century music. (I can remember some of my piano pieces when I was taking lessons in about 1965-66; makes me cringe; the damsel in distress.)
But, yeah, that’s what we get with being a tough girl … guilt and probably some fear. ‘Cause we were taught not to be that way. Generations of learned behavior I guess. I hope it’s different for today’s young girls growing up.
People definitely don’t like to be ‘put in their place’ even though they sometimes NEED to be put in their place; you’re then calling out that they did something wrong and there’s too many people who’ll try to weasel out of that or put up their dukes rather than taking it as constructive critique or ever say “I’m sorry” or admit defeat or admit wrong. I wonder if it goes back to childhood, when we didn’t like getting scolded … that we got told enough about each transgression, such that as adults, enough already …
I feel like every time (lately) I speak up for something affecting me which is being clearly caused by someone in the wrong (which is also hard for me because I do NOT thrive on any kind of combativeness or competition), I wind up being on the short end and/or being known as the sounds-like-witch-but-starts-with-a-B. I’ve gotten the finger-wag that I need to overlook certain things that affect me in order to avoid conflict. Which makes it nice for the person in the wrong but also isn’t very fair to ME. NOT a democracy.
Anyway, jaded me – – I suspect it to still be a man’s world til the day I die; a world where man dominates for as much as a woman can try. I was an idealistic young woman in the feminist 70s and never thought I could say a thing as I just did, but there’s a certain reality (in my humble opinion and experience). It’s easier to be a man in a man’s world. Not so easy for a woman in a man’s world. It’s still a man’s world. There; I said it again. There are so many males out there who ‘don’t want to hear it’ from a woman. They’ll take it from another man, but not a woman. Even my husband, who had to be progressive and an evolved male in the workplace if nothing else (how about around me!!), can revert to chauvinism.
While I feel that today’s young women have a lot more on their side than we did back in the day, such as being able to call out harassment in the workplace without fear of termination or backlash, my husband has formerly/recently been in a job where he was around a lot of guys in their 20s (bright, creative, educated young men), dismayed at finding too many of them to be condescending and sexist toward women of all ages but especially their own (really …?… in this day & age …?… yep), to which I’ve despaired have we made any headway at all, like what promotes and propels this decade after decade?
But then that dovetails into equality and a whole bunch of stuff …
I’m feeling too forlorn because I’m too tired. I’ve been up since 5:30am myself. Weather is a factor with sleep and overall living right now; SoCalif is too hot for June (was 100 degrees at 3pm; 101 degrees at 4:30pm; I keep checking; will just fry some of my flowers although my husband has been out there [with no hat on; oh well, he has a lot of hair right now, since no haircuts] watering-watering-watering). But I watched more news shows on TV than I usually do, at bedtime; and, as you found, Claudia, no can do this and get restful sleep. We all have too much on our minds. I vow to not turn on the TV tonight at all.
I don’t think you did a thing wrong with this auto repair person. He should have had the courtesy to call you and relay his progress with increasing charges. In fact, he should NOT have proceeded without your permission. You had every right to question him and make him understand that customers don’t need big surprises like that hefty bill. When you’re wronged, it’s very hard and not right to feel you can’t say anything. You did, and I hope he could take it as constructive customer feedback. I’m sorry you had to have this ‘wrinkle’ when you’ve been otherwise having some really nice days lately. (I swear it’s when I’ll take dogs over people.)
I wanted to tell you something – – that after you did the Van Gogh puzzle, you really got me interested in Van Gogh, who I’ve never been as interested in as I have some of the other artists of his time. I loved the American Impressionists like John Singer Sargent, Mary Cassatt, Winslow Homer. More than Monet, I liked Renoir, particularly Matisse; Cèzanne, Degas. (I’d hoped to be an art history major.) But there was just ‘something’ about your puzzle image, so I picked up a thin volume on his skyscapes (called Affordable Portable Art series) and I may buy more as the pocketbook permits. They’ve got one for his buildings, his landscapes, etc. I have a new appreciation (obsession) for Van Gogh, thanks to Claudia (once again!). You’ve always got the eye for the good stuff.
Glad to hear this! xo
Thanks, Vicki. I appreciate the support. (Frankly, I’ll always take dogs over people!) Stay safe.
Yes, my mom and dad did the same – especially my mother. Don’t make waves, don’t upset your father…always trying to navigate any potential landmines. I understand it. But that was what I saw – and my grandmother, though a very strong woman, definitely had to do what her husband said. He was the man of the house. So interesting. Xo
ouch … the big car repair bill and the lack of an estimate (that could have helped prepare you for the shock of that bill)! sorry you had to deal with that, then feeling guilt for speaking up (you handled it well and the speaking up was definitely warranted) and the sad likely-a-confirmation about henry. hope the rest of your day’s been much better and you could spend time outside without allergies bugging you. and that you get more sleep!
i can relate to feeling guilt and replaying conversations and my choices after-the-fact. not all the time (thankfully i’ve gotten better at letting things go), but i still need to work on it because i think, for me, it’s an age, gender, introvert and worrier thing and those things aren’t going away.
missed a good rain storm today (courtesy of christobal) for being at work, but we are to get more rain tonight. :) when i can’t sleep, i find a 30- or 60-minute recording of ocean waves or a thunderstorm online and play that on my phone (making sure to have the “autoplay” button off) and that helps.
hope you all are safe and well.
kathy in iowa
I am getting better as well but I think I was more worried that I might damage Don’s relationship with his mechanic. But all is well. Stay safe, Kathy.
good … you can cross that worry off your list!
kathy in iowa
xo
Claudia – Did you assign him the letter R. because of me being so confrontational and not
backing down, perhaps a subconscious move. LOL I trust that by now you realize I am teasing you.
Seriously, this is one of the best discussions I’ve read anywhere in a long time. This topic has true depth and the ability for expansion in multiple formats across generations.
I have been asked countless times over the years by both men and women of all ages how I am able to confront anyone no matter their status. The answer is clear for me. When I had to struggle against a person in order to stay alive I lost the fear of confrontation. I would not wish that specific answer on anyone else. But it was the defining moment at a young age when fear of response, and second guessing were resolved, with very few exceptions. That is not to say I seek to ever bring harm to another.
I have been asked to speak on this topic by a judge and television personalities and I have always declined because my answer is so personal. Yet here I am on your blog Claudia being open because I sense the sincere intent in your effort and in you readers’ entries.
That being said I know I was born to care for and protect others and because of those motivations confrontations have often ended in wonderful friendships. Life never ceases to be amazing if we but dare…………….
I do realize you are teasing, R.! Thank you for your wise words and for feeling safe enough here to share them. Stay safe!