It’s coldish today. Tonight and Saturday night it’s going to go down below freezing. For all of our hoopla about an early Spring, Mother Nature decided to show who’s boss. The month of April has been fighting Spring tooth and nail.
Somebody asked me to show the cover of Modern Nature, one of the books I received from John Sandoe Books. So here it is. Coincidentally, I just finished The Lost Pianos of Siberia, so I’m contemplating my next read – this may be it. Pictured is his garden in Dungeness, with the nuclear facility in the background.
Don took his early morning walk. I finished the book. Now we’re in our respective areas – he on the sofa in the living room, me in my chair in the den. Some of you may know that Don has been sober for – I’m trying to remember the exact number of years – around 44 years. He works his program, going to frequent meetings, sponsoring several people. He’s done this the entire time he’s been sober and he never wavers. He has helped so many people and, of course, has been helped by many. Obviously, physically going to meetings is not possible, but he’s discovered a meeting that he goes to every day at 9 am via his phone. He really likes it. So our morning routine is a bit different these days. Instead of sharing our second cup of coffee together on the sofa, I make our coffee in time for him to sip it while he’s attending the meeting. And then I come in here to write this blog and sip mine.
For someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, Don’s longtime sobriety was incredibly comforting when we first started dating. I knew he was committed to his program. Both my sister and I made the decision long ago not to drink, so it wasn’t as if Don had to deal with alcohol in the house or me ordering a drink when we were out and about. And I didn’t have to deal with it. After so many years with the fallout from my dad’s alcoholism impacting my life – well into adulthood – Don’s wisdom helped me. More importantly, he taught me to forgive. I’m so proud of Don. And I’m enormously proud of my dad, who fought his demons, and was a good and kind and loving man who helped everyone he knew. Gosh, he was a good guy.
I miss him so much.
Didn’t mean to get into all of this, but this is the way the blog often is. I get a thought and start to write about it and, suddenly, I’m off. I feel such profound love for my husband and my parents. My mom spent the last years of her life in a nursing home. I can’t imagine how worried we would be if she was still there during this pandemic. Or how worried we would be about my dad. And I know there are so many people out there with parents and loved ones who are extremely vulnerable. It’s so heartbreaking.
A reminder that during the Spanish Flu pandemic, people got tired of self-isolating and when the First World War ended, went out in huge groups to celebrate. Unfortunately, the virus was still there and many died because of their impatience to get back to normal. My grandmother lost two sisters within a week of each other; she had gone home to nurse them. Adored sisters/aunts that I never got to know. So, stay safe. Stay home no matter how frustrated you feel. Don’t listen to that man. Listen to scientists. Listen to Governor Cuomo – that’s who I’m listening to. Don and I have already discussed this; we’re sure that, even when we get the all-clear, we’ll probably stay in place for a good deal longer.
Happy Thursday.
Congratulations to Don. Your determination to continue your sobriety journey and to help others is a blessing. It has got to be a daily struggle. Your continuing to attend your meetings motivated others and act as a beacon of hope. Not only did it help the people you mentored, it helped their families. I wish that my father had been able to beat that dreadful disease, I was one of children of an alcoholic.
My dad never beat it entirely, but he was sober for many years. And, as Don says, you are always an alcoholic, you’re always in recovery. Thank you, Christine. Stay safe.
Claudia,
Thank you (and Don) for being willing to share his story. I have a dear friend who is 20 years sober. I’ve seen the hard work she’s done over the years, and it is so humbling and so inspiring. Although I’ve never met you or Don, I feel like I know you and have tremendous respect for you both. He’ s a gem…but you knew that! Take care and be safe.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Roneta. Stay safe!
Good Morning,
I did not think Don could be more impressive or inspiring what with his art (acting, photography and music) but he is! Not only creative but a man with a strong character, endurance and giving spirit. What a well lived life.
It was I who asked to see the cover of “Modern Nature” it does not disappoint. Thank you for showing it. The cover of a book can often influence me to read a book or not..
Take Care and stay safe,
Kaye
Covers influence me, as well! I have to admit it. I thought it was you who asked, but I wasn’t absolutely sure.
Thank you for your kind words, Kaye.
Stay safe.
We often think our own stories are unique but thanks to people like you and your Don we learn we are not alone. My Dad was an alcoholic and it too changed my life in many ways. He was a good man and now looking back I truly believe he was suffering from PTSD from serving on mine sweepers in the British Navy during WWII. My Mom served in the British Air Force. Not much was addressed for those survivors after the war. I miss them both every day. Thanks for all you share and admiration to Don for helping others to overcome what we know to be a lifelong struggle.
We also are pretty sure my dad was suffering from PTSD, but we didn’t put that together until after his death. I wish we’d known that sooner. I do know that serving in WWII changed him forever.
Stay safe, Janet.
Congratulations to Don. Addiction, in whatever form, is a struggle some never overcome.
I listen to Gov Cuomo as well. He makes alot of sense. This is going to affect our way of life for at least a year, maybe two.
We are caring for 2 granddaughters during the day while my daughter and her husband work. We usually have them during school breaks but this is a break I never imagined. And now we are doing some home school too. Reading your post made me long for the days before corona when I could wake up and read, linger over a cup of tea. Weekends are like that, thankfully.
We love these girls and I think we benefit as much as they do from time spent with us, but it gets tiring sometimes. I am really trying to imagine how school will be able to open in the fall. How do you social distance kids?!
The cover of that book is very striking, by the way. Thanks for sharing it.
You are busy, Marilyn! But it’s a wonderful thing you’re doing for your family. I know – how can school start again in the fall? I read that Boston University (where I used to teach) is already saying that there won’t be a fall semester…
Thank you for your kind words. Stay safe!
Big congratulations to your husband. I like him even better now. My parents weren’t alcoholics but drank every weekend. And I have memories I cannot share. Every non drinker is a blessing to this world in my opinion.
I agree. Thanks, Jan. Stay safe.
what a wonderful post. makes me respect Don and you even more.
I have been flying under the radar lately. my own problems with COPD.
I never smoked a day in my life. but I breathed second hand smoke for 53 years.
if anybody out there reading this wonders…. YES! it affects everybody. not just the smoker!
they finally took it out of offices here but too late. except for one smoker… everyone in that office is dead now. from cancer.
thank goodness for things like the inhalers they make. they cost a fortune even with insurance. but they’re a lifeline for those of us who can’t breathe! and yes. you can bet I’ll be careful after they give the all clear! I’m thinking I would vote for Gov Cuomo if he ran for president!
he’s the most humane and coolest head around! xoxo
Every time we hear him speak, we wish that we had the chance to vote for his father, Mario, for president. Truly an example of “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
You’re so right, Leslie. Stay safe!
thank you. it’s relatively new to me. and has driven home the suffering to breathe that people are enduring in this pandemic. all the bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia are reaping their visitations. and being old now seems to be the cherry on the sundae!
my prayers also are with you and Don and EVERYONE in our community! XO
xoxo
I’m glad you have an inhaler, Tammy. I want you to stay safe, my friend. Praying for you. xo
Consider you never know what you are going to write about each day….you do a remarkable job. Don could not impress me more. Not only is he talented, but he’s quite the gentleman…and now to learn of this? Kudos, Don!
I have been thinking of my mom lately, too. And while I miss her terribly, I am thankful that she is no longer a resident of a nursing home. I couldn’t imagine how lonely she would be with no visitors, and she simply wouldn’t understand why.
I personally think that even when society ‘opens up’ again, it’s going to take awhile for most of us to venture out and feel comfortable doing it. We’ll be listening to our governor…and what the CDC has to say. But, I think until we get a vaccine, it’s going to be quite scary out there in society for most of us. I think it’s going to be a long while before things return to normal…and maybe they never really will. Look how 9/11 changed air travel and other things for all of us.
It’s still cool here today, but the sun is out, and that helps enormously. Hope you enjoy your book…fascinating cover. Stay well! ;)
Yes. We need the vaccine. Until that happens, we will be very, very cautious.
Stay safe, Donnamae!
Another child of alcoholics here. I, too, made the decision not to drink. I may have a glass of Moscato wine at Christmas at a friend’s house, but nothing more than that, and people would say it is more a sip than a glass. It just doesn’t work for me at all. Kudos to Don and I do remember you mentioning that a couple of years ago. I am sure that his assistance at these meetings, especially at this point in time, is very much appreciated. I’m sure he has helped many over the years.
We are in agreement here about staying safe for much longer. We still haven’t heard if school will be canceled for the remainder of the year, but don’t understand how there would be any way to socially/ safely distance the kids. The little ones are ALL huggers!! My husband said he isn’t sure he would feel safe returning if they do weirdly decide to send them back. I can’t imagine he is the only teacher to feel that way.
It seems that the business community, the Stock Exchange, banks, retail stores, restaurants, etc. are ALL considering the danger that could arise from re-opening now. But he isn’t. It is all about the money and his “base”; most of which one could see en masse at the Michigan capital yesterday. So very sad and discouraging.
I don’t blame your husband for being wary. It seems like the schools will have no choice but to remain closed this year.
He is without empathy. He only cares about his campaign and money. That’s not who we need at the helm during this crisis.
Stay safe, Chris.
We watch Cuomo every day, or at least I do, he makes sense and helps me to make sense of it all! I live in one of the states that was slow to respond, but I think even Texas is coming to terms with a new reality. To better times….and .a better president…
Hear, hear! Stay safe, Melissa.
Until we get the vaccine, I will still be taking great precautions, even if I do end up venturing out a bit more. Maybe. I’m going to be very careful with this one. Too many people are getting antsy, aren’t taking precautions. It makes me incredibly nervous. So, we wait. We listen to Cuomo and to my governor, Whitmer, who is one tough cookie and pretty darned amazing. And we hope. And as you said, I am grateful my parents aren’t here for this one.
Three cheers to Don. I’ve admired him through your posts for the many months I’ve followed you. But this is indeed powerful. I love the two of you — I think you were made for each other.
Bravo to your Governor! Those idiots who protested yesterday should have been arrested for obstructing ambulances, etc.
Thanks for your kind words, Jeanie. Stay safe!
My dad was a mean drunk until the day he died. After hearing Don’s story, I wonder now how our childhood could have been with a sober dad. None of my sisters or I drink either. And our childhood never goes away. I thought it would when I grew up, but the memories are still haunting me.
I have finally come to peace with it all. I realize it’s a disease. But I completely understand your feeling, Tana. Sending you love. Stay safe!
I didn’t know about Don so well done to him for keeping his sobriety for the greater part of his adult life.
My Dad was very much on my mind yesterday as it was six years since he passed away.
Many years ago I flew to France from a tiny airport called Lydd in Kent. I don’t remember much about it except the landscape in nearby Dungeness was very bleak. It’s amazing that Derek Jarman formed a garden there.
Happy Thursday
It’s a miracle. He really created something quite beautiful. Thank you, Dee Dee. Stay safe.
I love the art on certain book covers, too. I’ve actually purchased some books based on the covers alone.
I knew about Don – I believe it was through one of his IG posts – but I had no idea he’d been sober for so long. Kudos to him! Brian rarely drinks – maybe has one beer a few times a year. I like a glass of wine here and there, or a mixed drink on a rare occasion. But as you know, our oldest son, Phil was an addict – both with alcohol and with other drugs. I know alcoholism is very hereditary, but in our family’s case, we don’t have a history of alcoholism. He suffered with depression and I have a feeling, other mental illnesses that were never diagnosed. He had admitted he first started drinking and smoking pot to self-medicate.
Thank you for the reminder about the Spanish flu. I’m afraid that will be the case once again in the near future, once the restrictions for the quarantine are lifted. I will see my mother and aunt again, but won’t go anywhere where there are crowds for quite awhile.
Brian’s dad is currently in a nursing home. However, he did get sick a couple of weeks ago with pneumonia and was transported to the hospital. While there, they tested him for COVID-19 and sure enough, he was positive. We are absolutely amazed that he is now doing fine and is even off the oxygen. We had prepared ourselves for his death when we heard the news. He is 86 years old, has COPD, diabetes, severe depression with suicidal tendencies, and a survivor of melanoma and stage 4 colon cancer. He will go back to the nursing home this weekend.
Have a good day…it is very cold here, too. We’ve been below freezing for several nights in a row now. Got a dusting of snow yesterday. Parts of Illinois are going to receive a LOT of snow overnight into tomorrow morning. Our area will get about 1-3″…but then we have a warm-up back into the 50’s this weekend.
I’m glad to hear Brian’s dad recovered. Wow! What good news!
We’re supposed to get snow tomorrow afternoon/evening. Sigh. It’s very cold, but I feel like this is the last hurrah and we’ll soon be dealing with warmer temps.
Stay safe.
Claudia, You and Don are always so inspiring, but Don has just elevated his standing! Such dedication to taking care of himself, and taking care of others.
He’s a truly good man, Wendy. He is always grateful first for his sobriety because without that he wouldn’t have anything else – me, his career – none of it. Thanks. Stay safe!
Wise woman…wise man…this blog is an inspiration to many..never apologize…sharing one’s life story is helping others who may not have hope. We go through valleys and use those experiences with others. This is one of the most heartwarming blogs I have read at a time when so many are looking for even a second of help.
Oh, thank you so much, Brenda. Bless you. And stay safe.
Proud of Don, even though I don’t know him. I feel like I do, a little! My 91 year old mom was living in an assisted living place, and my husband and I brought her here. We were think it would be 3-4 months, but who knows now? We’re not going anywhere, so it’s fine. Too many worries with her there. We’ll just stay put. Take care.
So glad she is safe with you and our husband, Debra. It was the right thing to do! Stay safe.
“Impatience to get back to normal.” What EVERYbody is feeling, and there you said it! I don’t think we humans are a very patient lot. Do you, Claudia?!! Has to be a learned behavior now. (It’s also a virtue!)
And, to be safe: “Stay home no matter how frustrated you feel. Don’t listen to that man. Listen to scientists. Listen to Governor Cuomo – that’s who I’m listening to. Don and I have already discussed this; we’re sure that, even when we get the all-clear, we’ll probably stay in place for a good deal longer.” (I just read your quote here to my husband and he sagely nodded in agreement.)
Such wise words and kudos to you & Don, Claudia, for setting your course. (Proud of you!!) Will be the same for me and for my husband as I just said; these new ‘Phase” orders (to ‘reopening’ the country) that came out Thursday didn’t mean a whole lot of difference for me as I’m of the ‘vulnerable’ who will have to remain with the shelter-in-place for a long time yet. But I do read conflicting reports about it; various articles … and the conversation seems to be going along the lines of, okay, they can tell us we can do this now, and that now; but citizens, a good many (even those with lower risk), will still be hesitant (despite their restlessness and weariness of being cooped up), taking no chances unless absolutely necessary, because nobody wants this virus and, as repeated ad nauseum, until we get a vaccine, everybody’s still fair game.
I’m simply not going to ‘skate on thin ice’. There’ll eventually be doctor appointments I can’t keep postponing but these will be very, very carefully rehearsed and executed visits. I know I’ll get back to the beach again but I probably won’t join the crowds walking on the sand or promenades. And the facial mask is not comfortable but I don’t see how I can go without one. Small things; all do-able. My husband is coming to grips with the calling-off of a trip he was taking in September (elsewhere in the U.S.) which involved a school reunion and also a family reunion (a one-time event he didn’t want to miss); many people will have dashed plans. But how awful if the U.S. goes forward into this too fast and we wind up losing more people like what you interestingly mentioned about the 1918 pandemic. Of course that’s what the infectious disease specialists are trying to avoid, but it certainly seems very difficult to control (half a billion/third of a billion?) Americans.
We were out in the car Thurs for the first time in two weeks; and, like last time, only the quick trip to the post office (when no one is there; we found the sweet spot of when to go pick up our mail so that it doesn’t happen we run into other humans!) and a quick spin around our one-horse town; was enough. So ironic, because I cry the blues about being hemmed in yet, when I’m briefly out there, all I want to do is get back home. A psychological study, right? Of home equaling safety; away-from-home being the opposite (an element of danger due to contagious/killer virus). Not a whole lot of people out on the streets; even so, for them and who I also saw in cars, I’d say 75 percent were wearing facial coverings for protection and my husband says that’s an improvement from what he saw just a few days ago. I watched as two sets of people walking dogs, coming upon one another on the same sidewalk, severely then separated, one couple abruptly veering onto the street … swinging widely away from each other. So, it was encouraging, while at the same time so sad; but have to think, not that they were so afraid of each other, rather being afraid of the VIRUS.
And something rather chilling in terms of preparedness, diff from what I saw two weeks ago: Our small/rural hospital has added now, to the parking lot ‘containment tent’ for Covid (reminds me of a canvas-sided quonset hut), a row of six trailers, like those 5th-wheel travel trailers (large) which are ‘portable buildings’ but for what can we assume, I don’t know the lowdown (on what’s what [but it sure is a curiosity; a disturbing one, although also/conversely reassuring to know they’ve mobilized somewhat for our small community]). Just reemphasizes the ‘real’ of this nightmare. (They have these trailers some distance away from the quonset hut, on a whole ‘nuther parking lot downslope; I wish I knew what was going on!)
I know that feeling. Whenever we go out for a little drive, I can’t wait to get back home. It definitely represents “safe.” Stay safe.
You know, I’m so glad you said that (about wanting to get right back home). I keep thinking it’s me and that I am turning into an agoraphobic.
I just re-read all the comments to the post as I often do; I love to see what everybody’s take is on things, and then to read your responses; you’re so good about doing that for your readers; it’s such a nice exchange.
But I realized I didn’t touch on the truly admirable work of your dear, soulful & sensitive husband (who you’ve helped us learn to know and love!). Don is a shining star of triumph over addiction. It’s an incredible achievement; takes so much commitment (from anything [not much] I’ve ever known about the disease). We’re in that boomer age group where so many we’ve known and loved were caught in the trap of drugs and alcohol in the 60s & 70s (and then cocaine so prevalent in the 80s); it was every party, every concert, everyWHERE. In my own case, Dad and my brother were both addicted to nicotine which was listed as a cause of (contributor to) death for both when they passed. My husband had his own demons before we met. And my uncle had a serious gambling addiction, which left his widow bankrupt although he’d had a thriving business ’empire’ (which he kept borrowing against to support the addiction). Ruined lives. (It’s clear to me as I’ve aged that few people have no vices or weaknesses; we’re all human and we err, even the best of us. I can be accused of over-spending money; and over-eating. The addiction/obsession [compulsive behaviors] list can get long.)
My great-grandfather was apparently a wonderful, successful farmer … when he wasn’t drunk. But you see, he could not be relied upon, and I can’t imagine what that was for my grandmother, his daughter. She was left at age 16 to care for her newborn sister (my great-grandmother died giving birth to the baby out on the farm) … as well as a slew of other younger brothers and sisters, all of whom had to be fed, clothed, bathed, etc. And if that wasn’t enough for my teen grandma, with the cooking & cleaning and everything else all that entailed, she also had to pick cotton in the fields alongside her father. She could never go to school again. And I’ll tell you something else: She also never touched a drop of liquor in her life and it was banned in her own marriage home (I think her husband, my grandpa, would probably take a sip of something out in the barn from time to time but he was never a drinker or I doubt she’d have married him).
But there does seem to be a common thread with children of alcoholics (like Grandma) if they-themselves don’t succumb to the genetic predisposition, and that’s that they steer clear from ‘the drink’ due to the trauma of being around it growing up. A second cousin of mine was the daughter of two alcoholics (both mother & father; two highly-intelligent people, good folks, ‘functional’ in terms of running a business and earning income) and she shocked me one time when reluctantly telling me a couple of her sad childhood stories, one of which was that when they were on a family road trip (summer vacation) and crossing state borders at various inspection points, her parents hid their liquor bottles between the kids’ legs in the backseat of the car, covering the kids and the booze with a blanket, telling the kids to pretend they were asleep in order to create diversion (this would have been in the late 1960s). Sins of the parents should never be visited upon their innocent children! She caught herself having a beer too many when she was away at college (first year), had the smarts to seek therapy (at only age 17; she graduated from high school early) and never again touched a drop (she’s pushing age 60 now but still goes to therapy, just like Don goes to meetings; it was enough to scare her for good [now I know why she was such a good cook at age 13; it’s the only way she and her little brother ate, because her mom was never in any kind of shape to cook a meal by the time evening came around; she basically raised herself]). Fortunately, like Don, she’s had career success, has her PhD and is a college professor, writer of several books, proud parent of two grown children. What a struggle, though; to have to surmount the circumstances in which you were raised, go out there in the world bravely and make your own life (when you hadn’t had the best foundation).
I’m glad Don is okay. I’m glad you’re okay. Thank God you have each other; between the two of you, it’s a tower of strength.
Addiction of any kind is such a challenge, so potentially devastating. I am fortunate that Don had already realized he was an alcoholic in his twenties, had committed to his program, and was well and truly into it by the time we met. If he hadn’t been, there would have been no way for us to be together. I can’t even stand to be next to someone with alcohol on his/her breath. It’s all in the timing, isn’t it?
Congratulations to your amazing husband. I too was a child of an alcoholic who was also bulimic and tried to tach me to purge after meals because I was a chubby kid and he was embarrassed to have a fat child. I didn’t inherit his alcoholism or bulimia, but I have an eating disorder in its own category that has plagued me for most of my life. Now that I think about it, I’ve dealt with it and not always well since I was about 15. What shocked me when I started to go to ACOA meetings was just how prevalent such circumstances were. Bless Don for using his experience and humility for helping so many others and staying devoted to his recovery. A daughter of a friend of mine is a psychiatrist in Toronto. When businesses there were closed, she fought hard and publicly to keep liquor stores open which seems counterproductive but in fact was a great gift to those who are dependent on substances. She spoke very eloquently about how dangerous and cruel it would be, not just to the individuals, but to society and to medical care facilities, to try to deal with cold turkey. She and others persuaded the government and to my understanding, they have allowed some liquor stores to be classified as essential. I mention this because for years my own anger and hurt from my father’s drinking completely dehumanized him to me. Dr. M’s message did quite a lot to melt my heart and see that alcoholics are just people struggling to get thru life as best they can. I’ll never forget or maybe never recover from the impact of my father’s drinking, but seeing him as a flawed human being, just as I am, went a long way towards healing. Thanks for sharing and supporting Don’s work at this time.
Thanks for sharing that. I didn’t think of it that way, but she’s right. It isn’t the time to limit access, is it?
I found the path to forgiveness and it was enormously freeing. But it took a long time to get there. Stay safe, Nora.
I’m proud of you Don. I,m on year 26. It’s a great feeling.
Thank you, Elaine. Congratulations to you! Stay safe.
For some reason I am looking at blogs less while staying at home. Not entirely sure why. But I should read blogs more because social media can be so irritating (not Instagram, that’s a happy place)…
Our California governor is also a good guy to listen to and yet my city just partially reopened parks. If they’re not going to enforce people protesting, are they going to enforce people gathering in parks? Anyway, I too will be staying home and in this new routine long after the coast is supposedly clear.
I am wary of anyone opening up parks and beaches right now. It’s a recipe for disaster. Stay safe, Leanne!