Grief is a funny thing. It can hit you in so many different ways. In a simple sentence to Don about my Dad where I said “When Mom died…” As in fact. As in it happened, it’s real. Sometimes it’s the simple things that pack the biggest punch. Most of the time, it just seems unreal. My grief shows itself in my scattered thoughts, in not being able to find a word for something or in saying one word when I mean another. My normal level of articulateness has broken down. I feel more than a bit spacey. I find it hard to concentrate. I’m finding it hard to express myself.
I’ve been trying to keep busy because doing things helps me. Thank goodness it’s Spring. I can step outside the door and find a million and one tasks ready and waiting for me. I can dig. I can rake. I can lop and prune. I can weed. Yesterday, we mowed the front lawn and the dog corral. The front lawn is huge. It’s a lot of work, the kind of work that leaves you very tired but with endorphins pumping. The day before that, I dug out a small garden bed. I weed wacked for the first time this season. Nothing makes me happier than being outdoors working in my garden.
Watching the garden grow, observing the perennials and their daily growth, seeing the garden beds that I have put in and built up over our almost nine years in this house, watching them come to life – all of this helps enormously. Rebirth in the face of death. Renewal in the shadow of grief. Somehow I think things would have seemed even bleaker had my mother died in the winter.
Spring has come to help me. That I know.
I have a somewhat sheepish announcement to make. This large bush, this early bloomer that I absolutely adore? When we first moved here, I discovered that it was a wiegela. The blooms looked exactly like one of the cultivars in that rather large-ish group of plants. Last year on this blog, someone suggested it might be a flowering quince. I researched it, though I was doubtful. I’ve never seen any fruit. Quinces have thorns. No thorns. No fruit.
There are articles on the differences between wiegelas and flowering quinces, so I assume others have been confused, as well.
It had to be a wiegela.
On Saturday, the blooms opened, so I went out to take some pictures. As I looked at it rather more closely than usual, I saw something.
Umm….I think that’s a thorn.
Upon closer observation, I noticed several more thorns. I even prodded one with my finger. Yep. A thorn.
Wiegelas don’t have thorns.
This is a friggin’ Flowering Quince! After eight springs, eight blooms, eight years where I was absolutely sure it was one thing, it turns out to be another.
Oh nature, you are constantly challenging me.
I have a new buddy. This little chipmunk hangs out on the edge of my garden, sometimes sunning himself on that flattish rock, sometimes eating little morsels of whatever on the driveway.
When I got too close, he hid behind that rock and peeked out at me. Then he took off in the direction of the porch. He’s shy.
I love chipmunks.
This morning, as I opened the door to let Scout outside, two very young deer were on the other side of the corral, very close by, staring at me. We observed each other for what seemed like quite some time. Scout was so sleepy that she didn’t even notice them. Then, one of them turned away and took off through our woods, the other following.
No time to get the camera. Just a lovely little moment where our eyes met, where we acknowledged each other. I like those moments.
I’ve tweaked the email settings and now I’m once again getting my own posts via AOL and Gmail. Nothing yet in Yahoo. This has nothing to do with Feedburner except indirectly as they are a delivery service. This muck up across the board in blog land is due to changes Yahoo, AOL and other services have made in their settings which have to do with something called DMARC. The end result is that they are trying to stop spam and spoof emails. If a bulk mailing (like that in post emails) is coming from a personal email address, they will block the email and reject it, because it looks suspicious. Most of us who use Feedburner or any email posting service use our personal email addresses in the FROM setting. So I had to change that to a FROM that references my domain name. So far (cross your fingers) it’s working in 2 out of 3. If you’re signed up to get this blog via email, let me know if you’ve begun receiving posts again. If you haven’t, I’m sorry, but that’s about all I can do.
Happy Monday.
Claudia, I’m in Australia visiting our daughter but still reading your posts most days. I thought I’d check before I went to bed to see if you had posted. I’m happy I did, you are experiencing things with your mother’s passing just as I did with my husband. The unreality of it, the loss of words and confused thoughts, they are all a part of grief’s cloak. Even nine months later, I still get a shock several times a day when the realization that Steve is gone slaps me in the face. I feel as if I’m waiting for him to return from a trip sometimes. I wonder what my return to our home will be like for me.
I’m happy that you can get outside and work, it’s a great distraction. I had a flowering quince in one of my yards, it looked just like that ;-). So many plants, so little time to learn them all. And now, here in OZ, another world for plants, such a wild variety! I’m so impressed with the Lantana that grows in massive sweeps along fence rows and highways here, they forbid the planting of it. I’m lucky to keep one small hanging basket of lantana alive in Indiana. And Agava the size of cars.
I’m sure you are enjoying your time in Australia, Hedy!
Thank you for your words of reassurance. It helps to know that what I am experiencing has been experienced by others.
xo
Claudia, I am so glad you have Spring to keep you busy and uplifted. It’s such a hard road this grief. It does hit in the most unexpected times. It’s been almost eight years since my Dad died and the sight of his handwriting or one of his ‘things’ can still just bring me to tears or it can bring a great memory. It’s good to have both!
hugs, Linda
Yes it is, Linda. The littlest things will trigger a memory and/or tears. It’s the way it should be, but it ain’t easy!
My mom passed away in May of 2011, my dearest friend in May of 2012. For me, like you, being able to work in the garden was (and is) a godsend.
Karen
I agree. It saves us, I think. xo to you, Karen.
Oh Claudia, I’m so glad you have your work I’m your garden, yard and dollhouse to keep your mind occupied during this time . One of my all time favorite books is “The Gift Of The Deer”. Your visiting deer brought that sweet story to mind this morning.
I do look on them as a gift. They share our property with us and I am honored when they visit!
I remember those days … the scattered thoughts … finding it hard to concentrate on anything that required a real thought process. At times I couldn’t settle my brain enough to read the newspaper, let alone a book! I’m glad you have your property, and spring time, where you can do countless projects that require more muscle power than brain power. I love chipmunks too, so cute and fascinating to watch.
More muscle power than brain power is a perfect way to describe it, Debbie!
Your little chipmunk is so cute! We don’t have them here, so I’ve only seen them in photos. Grief does take time to move through it. Be kind to yourself.
I will, Gina. Thank you.
Hi Claudia,
Whatever that bush is, it sure is pretty!
I was listening to a chipmunk chirping in our back yard a few minutes ago. I have never understood why they make that noise which would alert any other critter to their exact location.
I too have had the same confusion and forgetfulness since we lost our son in March….i just don’t see how he could be gone.
On his birthday, which was in April, I was taking our dog, Molly, for a walk. she was on a leash, and suddenly out of nowhere, a big dog with no collar and without barking ran across the street and started attacking her. It was awful. She is a Yorkie , so she is much smaller than tne other dog which was about the size of a lab. By pulling at him and kicking at him, I managed to grab her and hold her in my arms. She has four cracked ribs, but I am so thankful that she is okay. She is a sweet little dog.
Remember the post Scout wrote about you and Don being out of town? That was so cute and I hope Scout will tell us some more stories.
Thank you for your blog and blessings to you all.
Diane
I’m so sorry about your son. Mom and Dad said that losing a child was the worst thing that ever happened to them. (My brother died at the age of 44.) I can only imagine. Thank goodness Molly is okay! That must have been very frightening for you. Our dog Winston was once attacked by another dog while we were in the Vet’s parking lot and he was bit on the face. It was horrifying and the Vet stopped the attack by pulling on the dog’s tail.
Scout will tell another story soon. She’s done several posts. But it might be a while!
Truly, I think some people believe grief should be as it is outlined in an HR manual at work: ‘For the death of >>(insert relationship) you get 1 day, 2 days, 3 days, etc.’ It truly is crazy. Grief is a process that takes forever because of the memories that can be triggered by a certain place, song, smell, food, etc. and it never stops. One of the immediate responses I have when I am “newly” grieving a loss is that I lose my ability to focus for more than a few minutes on any one thing. It is usually months and months before I can sit down and read a book because my mind is racing in too many directions.
Amazing nature!! What fun and many surprises it brings us every season. I am so glad you are able to lose yourself in your gardens and yard. That is a blessing.
We had a little chipmunk on the front porch yesterday. Between them and the squirrels, they seem to think our feeding station for the birds is really just for them. I guess everyone has to eat!!
Yes, Focusing is very hard, Chris. I can do it outside in the garden and when doing physical tasks. But cleaning in the house? Hard to care. Thinking straight? Not always as easy as it used to be.
I think your mom might have sent the word about your flowering quince, Claudia – still setting you straight on a few things, even now… PS – what a beautiful plant! The color of those buds is incredible. I have flowering crabapples outside my bedroom window but now I want a flowering quince too – for that glorious color.
She might have done that, Janet. I wouldn’t be surprised! That color is gorgeous. I can see it from the den window as I write this – all the way across the yard.
Oh Claudia, I am so sorry that I missed the news about your mom’s passing. I had taken my mom to Indiana for a medical procedure and got behind in my reading. It is so difficult when we lose a parent. Grieving is such a personal process and is different for each of us. I am happy that you have your garden. I know how much you enjoy it. xo Laura
Thank you, Laura.
I hope your mom is doing okay.
As you described the feelings you are going through since the passing of your mom, I was nodding my head in agreement. This is how I felt – and how I was – for awhile after my son died. It was very hard to concentrate on anything (heck, sometimes it still is!) but keeping busy with everday tasks (gardening is perfect – even housework was a bit of a relief) was somewhat soothing. I couldn’t read or even listen to music for a long time. Will there be any kind of service for your mom? How is your dad doing?
Mom didn’t want a funeral or a memorial service. She also wanted to be cremated. We are honoring that but I think it makes accepting things a bit harder – there is no ‘official’ closure, if you know what I mean.
Dad is hanging in there. He has days when he doesn’t want to get out of bed. But he takes a walk or two every day, tries to keep busy with small projects around the house.
Looks like we’re all trying to keep busy.
Good Morning Claudia. Your pictures are great today, especially your chipmunk friend. I have been reading your blog, but find it difficult to comment without a computer. I did want to say that your grief “symptoms” are quite normal. I still get hit by the unexpected wave of sadness and my Mom passed almost 25 years ago. It’s a grief that never completely goes away, at least for me. But it does get better. I’m so happy that you have your garden to ease the pain a bit. I’m keeping you, Meredith and your family in my prayers.
Blessings,
Betsy
I just accept what is going on in my head or heart on any given day. It’s the only way, I think.
It’s still cold and raining here in the thumb of Michigan, not much blooming yet. This has been one very long winter.
I want to thank you for explaining the issue about the email alerts. I have Yahoo and I’m only receiving a few alerts from the 100 or so I subscribe to.
I’ve opened a gmail account and I’m slowly trying to find all my favorite blogs again so I can subscribe. Missing all my friends…..
Kathleen
I think we all felt it might be Feedburner when it first started, but then as it progressed it was apparent it was more than that. Thank goodness for those who are in the know and explain these things to us!
Hi Claudia!! How lucky for you to have a flowering quince bush on your property! Your pictures are absolutely stunning!! We just planted one here and it is growing and making me happy this year with some blooms! I know how you feel about grief. I lost my mom suddenly in 2012 and I don’t think you ever get over it. You just find a way to sometimes give into the grief and keep going on. She will always be with you.. I am just now beginning to laugh about some things she used to say and not burst into tears… Hugs to you on this journey – its not easy… Francine
The flowering quince has clearly been here for a long time, Francine. It’s such a pleasure to see those vivid blooms so early in the spring!
And thank you for your kind words.
had a very dear friend who told me – the grief is a process and you have to go thru that first Christmas, first birthday, first Mother’s Day and all of those other days that were important to you. It takes years until the hurt starts to ease up. This next week, Landen would have be ten years old and I still ache over losing him. He should be here being an onery little boy, enjoying school, etc. but I guess the Lord needed him worse than I do. But, it still hurts so bad. I found that I reached a point where I quit reliving the bad parts of his illness and started remembering the fun and good times we had and then the healing began. But, it takes a while.
Judy
Oh, Judy, I know you must miss Landen so much. He should be here and my heart breaks for you that he isn’t. Sending you hugs this week as you think of your boy.
I’m dreading this Sunday – Mother’s Day. It will be a hard one for me.
Claudia, I too love gardening. The Spring after my mother’s January death, I found a little garden statue that reminded me of her and I placed it in my garden. Now when I garden I feel like she is joining me. It is little things that will eventually ease your sorrow.
That’s a lovely idea, Mandy. We planted a wildflower garden in memory of my mom and I sure hope something comes up there. It would be so lovely.
I am sure it will flourish. I planted some wild violets in my garden as well, since they were my mother’s favorite. I was so excited when they bloomed this year; her message to me that all is well. Your garden will bring you joy; I am sure of it.
xo
It is only natural that these moments will sneak up and give you a punch at times..I too am glad that you have Spring in the garden to occupy you..had she passed during this horrid Winter when you were overwhelmed with the snow and the ice and taking care of the house with Don being away..I’m just not sure how you would have handled it all..Your new little friend is a cute one..It’s funny with my email..I don’t receive my email that notifies me of your daily post..but I do receive my email notifying me that I have a reply from you to my comments..Strange??
No, it’s not strange because the comment replies are sent through a plugin on my blog. Whole different thing. How long has it been since you received a post email, Nancy? You might try subscribing with another email address.
It must be 3-4 weeks now Claudia!
Can you subscribe through another email address? You might want to give that a try.
i think spring is the absolute best for making sense of things. i think you articulated everything just fine and in true Claudia style!! ..I am not an outside girl at all. i mean i love photographing everything in all seasons, but working in the yard, no thank you. lol scribbling in my art journal or scrapbooking the bazillion photos of my grands cheer my days when down. you take care & know all of us in blogland love & think of you each time we come to you for our daily cheer.. xxoo pam
Aw, thanks so much, sweet Pam!
Claudia, grief takes time, and each of us seems to deal with it differently. It’s a huge loss…thank goodness for the wonderfully supportive comments.
No matter what the shrub is called it’s still stunning, and such a unusually beautiful color.
PS, I love it no matter what you decide to call it. [Wegillaquince?] And I do so wish that I had one like it in my garden. There was a gorgeous one in my childhood home, I still remember it fondly.
Jen
It really is beautiful! I’m glad I saw those thorns – now I’m going to watch for any fruit that might develop.
I find my garden helps with so many emotions including grief…I plant remembrance plants for those loved ones I have lost. And I love chippies too…so cute and less destructive than voles. When I saw the flowers here I thought, ‘that is a quince’. Yours is an amazing bush as it flowers profusely and what a gorgeous color. I have never stopped getting your blog via Gmail…just have been ill and will be requiring surgery soon so a bit laid up.
A family emergency with one of my brothers on April 24 kept me from reading your blog that day and for several days after. (He’s fine for the time being.) I did not realize that your mother had died. I wanted you to know that I went back and searched for your posts about her and admired the pictures of her. How beautifully you write about her.
My Mom passed away two years ago at the age of 91! I did not know how profoundly her death affected me until I could examine it with months in between. There were times when talking with someone about her that I would run out of breath and I was so surprised when that would happen. Losing words and my train of thought were also part of my grief. Those things dissipated and my life got back to normal. I had thought that I had gotten through the grief without too much trouble. After her death, I came across a definition of grief that I referred to frequently. ” Grief is the thing that sits on your chest and slaps you across the face. Grief is emotional waterboarding, a strangler behind you, an unpleasant drug with strange side effects.” Sorry for the long comment but I hope this might help. Sorry about your Mom.
Very pretty photos :) I have a wiegela and mine doesn’t look like yours, so I believe you are right it’s a quince. I can’t believe it is blooming already. There is nothing blooming here yet. I hope things will start to pop this week with our 60 degree temps.
Don’t know yet what’s blooming at home…just thought I’d check in. We’re in Florida now…should be back home by the weekend! Everything is blooming down here…I’m homesick. Love your new buddy. Funny story about the weigelia! Mother Nature can sure trick you when you least expect it! ;)
Hello dear Claudia
I’m so sorry to hear you have lost your Mother.
I understand your numbness as I felt that same feeling when my darling Mum died.
You’re there but you’re not there, it’s like being in suspension of life.
Take care dear Claudia.
I have signed up for your email to know when you post.
Sending you hugs and prayers
Shane
Hi Claudia. I’m sorry that your heart hurts. It is so hard. I felt peace when my father died. I wish that for you. It wasn’t like thst with others that I have lost. So glad that you are finding things to help. Sending more hugs for you.
Working in the yard is the best therapy…I just love “Chippys”..Too cute
Good Morning my dear friend…..I have been “out of the loop” for a bit with visitors at my house but I just wanted to let you know I send you all my love and prayers in honor of your precious Mother….Mine has been gone since 1975 and a day doesn’t go by that she is not on my mind…I know they are waiting for us in Heaven but it is still a void left in our hearts and lives that can not be filled…..
My wonderful and precious husband left for Glory 22 years ago and I talk him daily as I go about my work….Some folks feel if you talk to yourself you are a “basket case” but I disagree…I feel those wonderful and precious angels are all around….Watching and protecting us and knowing all our thoughts and actions……God Bless you my friend and get out there and dig and “play” in the dirt and remember all the wonderful times you & Mom shared……May you find Peace & comfort as you go about your days….All my love & prayers.