It’s 8:30. I got up at 6:30 only to discover an ‘accident’ in liquid form from Scoutie. Very unlike her and it had just happened, so I can only imagine she must have held on as long as she could. Barely awake, I started in on the clean-up.
Then, about an hour later, as I was pouring hot water into my coffee filter, I somehow knocked the filter off the mug and coffee grounds and coffee spewed all over that section of the kitchen.
It’s been a challenging morning.
Breathe deeply, Claudia. Breathe deeply.
But this greeted me when I stepped outside. (Note leaves on the ground. It’s beginning to look like Fall around here.)
A beautiful new morning glory can certainly help one’s outlook.
And last night – when it was still dusky out there – I went into the kitchen to apologize to Don for something I said. Normally, I’m sitting in my chair at that time of day. After apologizing and hugging him, I looked out the kitchen door and there were two mourning doves perched on either side of the birdbath. They were very still. I’ve seen them do that before, this perching; resting, watching, and gazing at each other. Mourning doves may be my favorite birds. They are gentle and beautiful.
At the same time, I caught sight of a hummingbird, darting from one geranium blossom to another. The geraniums are planted in three barrels that are next to the birdbath. There are a lot of them. This little guy went to every flower, then darted over to what remains of the phlox, then back to the geraniums. This time of year, when there are fewer and fewer flowers, has to be challenging for a hummingbird.
And on one of the fence posts, a catbird awaited his turn at the birdbath.
I thought about how I would have missed all of that if I hadn’t got out of my chair to apologize to Don.
I grew up in a house where I never heard the words “I’m sorry” from my parents. I don’t know why. But apologies were never given. No responsibility for hurtful words spoken was ever owned or admitted.
Consequently, as a young adult and on into my adult years, it was very, very hard for me to apologize for anything. To admit failure. To admit human frailty. I saw it as a sign of weakness. It wasn’t until I met Don that I really learned what it means to apologize, simply because Don taught me by example. He apologizes freely. He always has.
And it wasn’t something I came to immediately. It took me a while. I had to watch and observe him and put puzzle pieces together from my past and my present in order to make sense of things. I finally came to the realization that the words “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. To be willing to open up and admit a mistake, whether angry words spoken or a regrettable action taken, is essential.
I know people who never take responsibility for their actions. It’s either always someone else’s fault or somehow that person is able to completely block out the memory of what actually happened and replace it with something else. It’s maddening. It’s sad.
I have some guilt over apologies not given many years ago. I try to acknowledge that and make amends when I’m able to. It’s so freeing, this “I’m sorry” business! It makes everything whole again. It acknowledges our human-ness.
We try to do better the next time.
Anyway, without that little apology, I wouldn’t have been given the gift of that vision outside my kitchen window.
Happy Sunday.
That was a thoughtful post for a Sunday morning. Well said.
Thank you, Barbara.
We do have to remind ourselves daily to appreciate everything. Thanks for the reminder! Enjoy your day Claudia. Doris
You are very welcome, Doris. Have a wonderful Sunday.
Beautiful post, Claudia. One of the biggest lessons I wanted to teach my children was to apologize when you are wrong. A heartfelt apology goes a long way in mending relationships.
Absolutely. And you are so wise to teach your children to apologize. Good for you, Linda.
Beautifully said!
Thank you, Cathy!
I appreciate how you can write an insightful post almost every day. There is always a little nugget or a large gem that your readers can take away. My parents always apologized to each other in private. Never in front of my siblings and me. I also had to learn how to say “I’m sorry”, but I freely say it now.
About mourning doves…my younger daughter volunteers many many hours at our local zoo. This and last summer, she was an intern for the zoo’s summer day camp, and was able to have an animal name by which she went during camp, like the teachers. She chose Mourning Dove to show how much she missed her Dad.
Oh, that is simply beautiful, Wendy.
I remember seeing “Love Story” when it first came out (I must have been about 9 or 10 and it was the greatest tearjerker of a movie I had ever seen … up to that point!). But the tagline “love means never having to say you’re sorry” never made sense to me. And you just explained why in such an eloquent way. And your reward was Nature’s scene outside your own window, a gift to be received and enjoyed. Wonders to behold. Thank you for a lovely post.
Meanwhile, morning glories, deer, hummingbirds, and a hawk in the redbud tree here in my yard. Hope you have a lovely day and are feeling much better.
I never understood that either. Love means absolutely having to say you’re sorry! And you should want to.
My husband David grew up in a home where the word sorry was never spoken either. One of the loveliest things about a good marriage is that over the years we begin to meld and the good qualities we each share become one. David has taught me many things about life that have made me stronger and a better person, and in turn he now says “sorry” when necessary. Don gave you a wonderful gift and opened your heart to the kind of compassion you had been missing. He’s a keeper!
Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley
He is and so is David. You put it perfectly “the good qualities we each share become one.” xo
Two little words have such a huge impact on us– asking forgiveness brings reconciliation. It’s a shame more people don’t understand the power behind words. Hurtful or soothing– we can rob people of peace or we can help to restore it.
Lovely post
Beautifully stated, Patricia.
I totally agree saying “sorry” is NOT a sign of weakness, but I sign of great strength. I was taught by example to so sorry and also look both ways even on a one way street. My father said you can never go wrong that way, heck I say sorry when I bump into furniture or the cat. Years ago , many in fact, my teenage son came home annoyed about something, when he closed his bedroom door it slammed ( window open making that vacuum thing happen ) he immediately open the door and yelled down the stairs ” sorry that was not meant for you”. Sweet. In the garden front my Moon flowers are finally beginning to open………
Your son sounds like he’s a good guy, Mary.
Ah, moonflowers!
I agree with Dana (above) that the tag-line of Love Story was crazy. I remember debating it in the dorm.I was a sophomore when the movie came out, and it seemed like it was giving a “get out of jail-free” card to all kinds of behavior. I think Love means always being ready to say your sorry, when necessary, based upon one’s own behavior. I think when we learn to say “I’m sorry” along with “I forgive you”, we truly can find some peace in life. Forgiving isn’t easy by any means, and some people hold a grudge like it is a trophy. Meanwhile, the person they have a grudge against has moved on and doesn’t even remember the incident. It is sad when people devote that much time and energy into NOT forgiving.
Hope both you and sweet Scout are having a better day as it moves along. Some days just seem to have that feel to them. I know several days when I just thought climbing back into bed for an hour or two, and attempting a morning do-over might be the best bet!
Absolutely right about also saying “I forgive you.” It completely changes everything.
I think that my getting back in bed this morning might have contributed to Scoutie’s accident…I had been coughing a lot and we sleep right above the living room. I think she heard me and got up and started moving around and then – couldn’t help herself, poor thing.
There are oh so many irritating jobs in a household. Especially with children. One I have always detested has to do with spilling wet coffee grounds. They commence to multiply straight away!
Messy, for sure!
Thank you, Claudia. Words of wisdom.
You are most welcome, Kaye!
An insightful post this morning. To apologize…to forgive…lessons we do learn…some at an early age…some later in life. Some never learn those concepts. Thank goodness there are people in this world, to teach those that don’t know, the power of an apology! ;)
Amen, Donnamae. Some of us have to be taught and thank goodness there are those who care enough to teach us and who lead by example.
My mother was so insistent on apologies (and very good at delivering them herself) that it made contrary me resistant, something I continue to struggle with. I did teach our daughters the importance of apology and always loved hearing, most especially when they were teenagers, the very natural way they could apologize to each other. A very good and thoughtful post — thank you.
And I must agree with all above in thinking “love means never having to say you’re sorry” is complete drivel.
COMPLETE drivel, Margaret! You’re so right!
Beauty is all around us and you my friend are so able to ‘see’ it when many others aren’t. I always apologized to my spouse and my children when I was wrong. Especially my girls. I wanted them to know that parents make mistakes also, no one is perfect and it’s OK to be wrong but apologize and own it. I’ve never regretted doing that. I’m enjoying a quiet morning with Charlie by my side. I love this old guy so much. I hope you have a wonderful Sunday.
hugs,
Linda
Enjoy your day with Charlie, Linda.
I probably would have gone back to bed after the coffee incident! LOL
I never hesitate to say I’m sorry if I truly am. There are so many who never feel like they owe any body an apology. I think that’s sad. They could lose a good friend over something stupid and then not having the guts to just say I’m sorry. Oh well, those are probably people who weren’t friends to begin with.
Happy Sunday to you, Don and Scout!
Love,
Judy
A great message Claudia. It really opened my eyes up why some people never
apologise. You explained a lot to me, once again. Thank you, I am always learning
from a wonderful teacher. Enjoy the rest of this beautiful day, weather is gorgeous
in Southern Ontario.
Had a long weekend with my daughter and sister in Ithaca recently. Visited my niece
who works at Cornell, and the beauty of the country side blew me away. Had a grand
tour of the university, wineries, beer garden, waterfalls, shopping, and dining out. We hope to make it an annual tradition.
I’ve been to Ithaca once, and it was in the winter time, but it was still gorgeous there.
You’re right. Happy Sunday, dear Judy. I hope all is well.
Love your morning glory photos, Claudia. They are just stunning.
Thank you, Heather.
What a soulful and beautiful post, Claudia. Actually, what you said, about growing up (your influences) helps me better understand both my mother and my husband, neither of whom ever would find it easy to say, “I’m sorry; I was wrong; it’s my fault.” Both of them with the bad habit, IF they ever said ‘I’m sorry,’ of putting a condition on it…”I’m sorry, but…the key word being ‘but’ which just serves further to rationalize/qualify their stand rather than truly giving in to the apology. To get a “I’m wrong” out of my mom was to basically send her into a voice-elevated, defensive and angry (near-crying) rant which, for her, was not usual. In my past…and this isn’t pretty…I’ve demanded an apology when I felt it was due, bereft at not getting one from her. I’d call her up on it a couple of times, woman to woman, adult to adult (when she’d piss me off enough!) and she’d say, “You want me to get down on my knees!” (i.e., in giving thanks, as if I were a god) which was a laughable over-exaggeration if not tragically sad. My husband isn’t much different. Unlike you and Don, neither my husband seems to be influenced by my at-the-ready apologies or fess-ups, nor was my mom ever able to learn from my dad, who like me, would almost over-apologize.
Please understand I have great love for these two people of my life and I’m looking at this objectively and actually without judgment, not that I haven’t in my past judged Mom’s and my husband’s behavior plenty…I’ve just had to accept and realize the flaws, and that there’s something different in me and something different in them which makes us who we are…for instance, my husband NEVER complains whereas I can sink into a bad, bad rut of constant complaining. And my mom had some awesome, wonderful qualities, with sound principles by which to live, and a good moral code…so important to pass on to a kid.
But I agree with you, when I see the torture my husband and mom have gone thru just to drum up a simple apology or admittance of some small transgression…it’s as if they’re shackled; you can actually witness the struggle (face, voice, body language). I don’t know enough about my mom’s background to understand (although I know enough of my husband’s to take a gander) as to why she (and he) arrived at a point to where ‘owning up’ is tantamount to self-destruction…but my heart on the one side goes out to them (although if you’re on the receiving end, it can be really frustrating).
I am acquainted with someone who can’t reach out at all…very self-focused, really not empathetic, quite critical of others and never of herself. I know of some significant missteps/blunders she’s made and you will NEVER hear her accept blame. In conversation, if I even slightly put myself down or utter an “I’m sorry” or shortcoming of any kind, she climbs all over me for having a poor sense of self. She would never ‘degrade’ herself in such a way. I’ve thought, ‘She’s a little pretentious…not a whole lot, but a little. Is it a cover-up for some deeply-masked insecurity?’ (A little armchair psychology; probably never a good idea!) Obviously she, as you said, sees an “I’m sorry” or a “it’s my fault” as a tremendous defect in a person. She’s an older woman who apparently grew up with no nurturing, is convinced her mother didn’t really care about her, the father was emotionally unreachable and, as a grown-up, this gal had a years-long unhappy marriage (divorced ever since, for something like 40 years). She’s rather alone now in her older years and appears to be estranged from all three of her children who she says have resentments toward her. She was a high-ranking city official with a lot of responsibility (she’s an engineer), making it on her own as a single gal to this day and I know she probably had to develop a tough shell (even now, she’s too authoritative) but, I’m telling you, for as intelligent as she is…and so much of her conversation and company I really enjoy…she’s cold. It took me awhile to put my finger on it, but she has somewhat separated herself from her heart. I figure it’s some sort of protective mechanism. I was just thinking of that movie, “Cold Mountain” where either one of the main characters, can’t remember which right now, talks about ‘packing a wall of ice around my heart.’
Your title, Human-Ness. Ah, yes; to err is human, tis human to err…or however that one goes. We are NOT perfect, any of us.
Hope you’re having a less-liquidy afternoon.
Yes, it’s hard to see someone struggle with that. And also very hard to be on the receiving end, or should I say, the non-receiving end. In the end, no one benefits.
This is such a nice post…I would have never guessed you to have been a person who couldn’t say I’m sorry Claudia..
Well, I’m not now. It’s been a long time since I had trouble saying those words.
I have known some people who have a difficult time saying the words, “I’m sorry.” But I have come to see that many of those people will show through deed or gesture that they are remorseful. Sometimes the apology does not come in the way we are looking for, but it is there.
And, unfortunately, at other times, it will never be there. Ah well.
Don rocks!
S
xo
As do I! I’ve taught him a thing or two.
But yes, he does.
I’ve been working with the Teenage Grandson about making apologies. He can’t understand that apologizing does not just mean that you were wrong. Its a big subject and it is hard to understand without good examples. You offer an apology not only to bridge a gap with someone, with regard to your actions or words, but also to make someone feel better, to acknowledge a small faux pas, to show the person you are caring of their feelings even if you do not consider what you did, or did not do, as wrong. It’s a good thing to learn if you are 3 or 300.
Well said, Barbara.
I’m sure Scout was sorry, too.
You’ve given us a lot to consider, Claudia. Thank you.
I love the star in your morning glory.
She was. She was embarrassed, I could tell.
Well said my sister who is much more evolved than me. I still find those, I’m sorry’s to be so hard.
Love you,
M
I discovered years ago in public service the phrase “That was my mistake. I am sorry” goes a long way toward building good will with customers. More people could use that phrase, in my opinion.