Thank you.
Because you have become my friends, I feel I can write a post that comes directly from my heart. I don’t wonder about what you will think or that I might drive some readers away. My hope in writing a post like The Lost Sister is that it will touch a chord within you, explain a little bit more about me and perhaps spark a discussion. We’re here to help each other.
It clearly did that. So many of you shared your own stories of loss. I plan on responding to each one of you by email if I can. If there isn’t a way to reach you, know that I was enormously moved by your stories and by your bravery in sharing them with me and with the readers of this blog. Every family has some tale of loss and separation. It’s the kind of thing that we tend not to talk about because it is simply too painful. Somehow or other, we compartmentalize it, put it away in a box and go on with our daily lives because we have to. As some of you said so eloquently in your comments, siblings can grow up together in the same environment, play together, laugh and cry together, yet somehow along the way become strangers. Something misfires, some secret heartache or pain buried deep within eventually drives that sibling away.
And you’re powerless to stop it.
When I was growing up, in the age of perfect television families like those in Father Knows Best or The Donna Reed Show, I used to wonder what it felt like to be a part of that kind of family. Don’t get me wrong, we were a loving family and my parents were always there for us. But my dad was an alcoholic and emotionally fragile; he had huge mood swings, his temper was always just about to explode. I could relax around my mom, but I could never relax when my father was in the room. I never knew when the atmosphere would suddenly change and his temper would blow and terrible things would be said. There was a lot of yelling in our house. To this day, I can’t deal with voices raised in anger, though I am surely guilty of it myself at times. It reminds me of horrible arguments, doors slamming, tears shed and apologies never given.
I looked at the home life of my friends and was absolutely sure that everything must be peaceful and calm within those walls. I was jealous of them. Of course, we all know that those glimpses of another person’s life are not the whole story.
My dad was and is a troubled man. But he’s also a very loving, good man, steadfast and devoted to his family. Nothing is black or white, that I have learned for sure.
Throughout it all, we girls had a fierce bond with each other. We were devoted to each other. That, of course, makes the pain of the separation that has happened even more acute.
Every family has a secret or two. Or three or four. We all do the best we can to become fully functioning, caring, good people, in spite of and because of what has framed our past. I can only believe that my sister, L, has done what she had to do in order to cope with her life. What demons drive her, I don’t know. I could take a guess, but without an honest conversation, I will never truly know. I can only surmise. I will say that, emotionally, she is very like my father.
Meredith and I have spent a great deal of time over the years working through my dad’s alcoholism and how it affected us as children and as adults. We’ve helped each other to heal. Those conversations have made our bond as sisters steadfast and deeper than ever.
How I wish that L would have dared to have a conversation with one or both of us about her own particular demons. Perhaps it would have helped. I know we would have done whatever we could to help her.
For all of you who are coping with the deliberate absence of a once close and dear relative in your life, I wish you peace. All we can do is try the best we can and, if that doesn’t work, accept the reality and release it.
Blessings to you all.
Claudia, these discussions empower the rest of us. Because then we know we’re not alone. I know about the alcoholism due to my ex. I did my share of shouting, I will admit. I have my own demons. I wish more people would feel free to “open up” and share. We could all “join hands” that way around the globe and send strength round the ring of sisters. Alone no more, would be our mantra.
Brenda
Claudia, I just finished posting about how the blogging world is a community and a family. We share our happiness and our sorrow.
Sometimes when friends I have known for many years find out I had another sister ( I say had because there will never be a reconciliation) they are shocked that I had never mentioned it. I think that people who have very close families where they stick together no matter what is wonderful. Unfortunately the world is not perfect.
It took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that all of the drama that ever tore our family apart came from one source. It may sound cold but she is obviously happy with her life and us with ours. Life does go on, I love those who love me back.
I hope you and Meredith come to a peace with not having L in your life. I am sure it will not be like that for your parents which is heartbreaking. This makes it heartbreaking for you and Meredith. It is a neverending Merry Go Round.
Take Care,
Sue
The blogging world really is a community and discussions like these bring us all closer together. I guess life just goes on and like Wicked Faerie Queen said, it really is a Merry Go Round. The same things happen over and over again. We close doors and we open them again and again and again always hoping that this time the door will stay open. In the meantime, we’re walking on eggshells. Yes, I do know something about walking on eggshells. Anyways, I hope you have a nice day, Claudia!
Hi Claudia – I read your post yesterday and I couldn’t respond right away. I needed to spend some time thinking. I can relate. I wish I couldn’t. I’m manic depressive and have spent a lot of time and effort learning to control my moods, to not say what automatically comes to the tip of my tongue without thinking, to view the situation, issue, etc through a clearer lens than the one my brain defaults to.
I also dealt with an alcoholic father growing. I have since come to realize that he also suffered from manic depression and used alcohol to deaden the pain. There were no fights, arguments etc. He was instead maudlin, depressed and made everyone around him feel guilty for not loving him enough. At times, it was a difficult family life with 3 sisters and 2 brothers.
I would not be surprised to find your sister suffers from manic depression too. However, it is not an excuse to turn your back on family.
The girls in my family are all quite close. I’m the youngest and my oldest sister (by 10 years) is my best friend and greatest support. I have 2 brothers and my relationship with my eldest brother has always been a little awkward. He is 14 years older than me. Events involving him turning his back on family members in their hour of need a while ago have left me feeling particularly angry. I hate feeling this rage. On a personal level, I know it is not good for me but I still haven’t been able to get over it. I guess we all have issues, skeletons, secrets but it does help to know we are all in the same big boat and sometimes the seas are a bit choppy. J
You have amazing blogging friends, so willing to share their own stories and pain. Today’s post was perfect. We have worked through a lot and I expect with Dad becoming more and more crazy we will be working through a lot more. L has her life and I hope that her kids do not turn on each other or her. What more can I say?
Hugs dear sister,
Meredith
I have a nephew that left the family 18 years ago. He joined the carnavel. His sisters and brother saw him a few times. But this Easter he joined us for Dinner! Miracles do happen. I have another nephew that pretty much disowned his family about 7 years ago when he got married. We should have seen it coming as his side of the family wasn’t welcomed by her at the wedding. We were invited but pretty much ignore by her. She convinced him that his mother was “evil” and treated him like dirt while he was growing up. Favored his brother, etc. He told his dad that if his dad didn’t leave his wife (his mom) he wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Guess he meant it. Mom, his grandma, is very hurt as Eric use to keep in touch with her as he was driving home from work. Then all of a sudden he turned on her also. Accused her of caring enough about seeing the first grandchild but not the second. We heard they now have 3. But kind of hard when you don’t know where a person lives. Mom just prays that he will turn around before she is gone. She is 82 years old. Eric was very close to my parents annd use to go there all the time. This all changed when he met this girl. These boys are from 2 different siblings of mine. Growing up I never saw these kind of problems in our family. We were all close. Mom and Dad never argues in front of us. We never saw any indication of them being mad at each other. Saw it in other families but not in ours. (strange but true). Mom said that if we see Eric around don’t confront him with any of this as we want him to know that he is welcome back at any time. We had one miracle…can we have two? It is so hard to write about this as it is painful. Gone away but not forgotten.
Hi Claudia! I’m just catching up to your amazing post. So well expressed, and all too familiar. It may take years and years to learn that one is not alone in ones particular brand of suffering, but it is an early step to healing. I’m sure you have opened that path for a few people here. “Finding peace” is a good way to put it, because achieving peace is an ongoing process. It requires maintenance. As you have expressed, peace can slip away at times. You seem to be doing well at bringing it back again.
Hi Claudia. I just read your other post and left a comment.
My mother and brother both drink. My father did as well. I was always the black sheep because I didn’t. It is so hard.
Yes, your sister may have inherited some of these traits from your father. So sad.
So glad that we can share her in blog world. What a great thing we have here.
I don’t think it can be said any better, Claudia.
Such an amazing follow up Claudia to the first post. I found it freeing to read them both. so honest
and your love for your estranged sister comes through!
Great follow up, Claudia. It is so nice to know that there are others that have fractured families that still can love freely others in their lives. Blessings to you-I am walking in your shoes with a family member also. It is NOT easy- xo Diana
Claudia, so much of what is being said resonates in my heart….
I do appreciate that the conversation is opened, it helps so many.
I think you have found some personal healing in what you are sharing with us, and it can’t be easy to put it all out there, but thank you for doing so.
Families are both a joy, and a sorrow…they cause so much pain, but they also exhilarate us. Honestly each one has problems, some just hide it better.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
Claudia,
This is why I lovve to come to visit your site and also to visit Brenda at Cozy Little House. Not only do you share fun, laughter and beauty, you open up real conversations. It’s sad to see the suffering that goes on in homes where mental illness or alcoholism is present, but it helps to share with others who may be going through this kind of experience. It’s taken many years to work through my stuff and sharing with one of my dear sisters has truly helped. There are so many different roles that familly members take on to cope with a dysfunctional situation. There was love in our home but mostly there was fear. No one talked or resolved anything. Everyone suffered in their little corners. I took on a lot of the familly shame and thought that it was me that was defective. I also became the family heroe, caretaker and clown (to try to deflect the pain with humor). My childhood had a lot of sad memories but I also had some great ones too.Mostly I survived by staying out with friends for as long as I could but then I would feel guilty for leaving the young ones without me for too long. I’ve created a great life for myself now and hubby and I have a SAFE house. I never felt safe growing up. I too, cannot stand loud voices and yelling but I sure am guilty of raising the decibles of my voice too. Our little dogs are a gauge for hubby and I. If we get too loud our dogs will leave the room. Hubby came from a family of yellers too. My past have left scars but healing has taken place over the years and my scars have turned to stars. They equip me with the ability to be compassionate and understanding of other people who suffer from mental illness and alcoholism. It also allows me to offer hope for those who are still suffering.
I love coming to blogs where we have real conversations. Yes, this is blasted in blog land but I have nothing to be ashamed about and my words can only offer hope. It’s the family secrets that keps us in fear and hiding. My prayers go out to you, your family and L also to my family members who are still suffering. Sorry to you and all the readers for such a long dissertation.
OMG! Sorry follks!
Boy, spelling on my I-pad is atrocious! Please feel free to correct Claudia!
I am sorry for your sister’s loss. She and her children are missing a part of family life and love. I admire you for graciously accepting this. It seems many families have one person who behaves like your sister. My mother’s sister(also an L) acted like your sister. She was in the nursing home and unaware for years. My excuse was she was sick(mentally). In public she made ugly faces and remarks.
My granny said,”L was not sick. She was mean.” My mother was with her at the end of life as a support for my cousin. He and his wife have become an important part of the family. I look forward to your posts!
Dear Claudia,
I haven’t read the comments yet that you got from your Lost Sister Blog, but I can so relate to your post. I am the middle of 5 children. My oldest sibling is 63, then my brother, the only boy is 60, I am 56 and my sister below me would be 54, and then a baby sister whose 45. I grew up with my sister below me, like we were twins almost. We were only 22 mos apart. She was always my dad’s favorite. To make a long story short, my sister and the family got into it, and we didn’t speak. My sister was a habitual liar, so we could never believe what she said. She got sick, and she lived a long ways away from me, so I didn’t really believe she was that sick, and we are still not sure, but at the age of 50, she took her own life. She over dosed on her meds. Now, even if I wanted to make things better I can’t and I feel so bad about it. She was bi-polar, or so she said. This was in October of 2008. There isn’t a day that goes by, I don’t think about her and wish we had spoken before she did this. I somehow feel that if we had talked, maybe she would still be alive. Anyways, I want to thank you for that post. Knowing other families go through what we went through, makes it feel a little better. I do pray that you and L will one day talk, before it’s to late, like it is for me. I will keep you and your sister Meredith in my prayers. Thanks for reading and I love your blog.
God Bless~
Debbie
dear claudia,
i can relate to a lot what you have written about. what i have come to understand (for me) is that there are just parts of life that are hard. really hard. we just have to focus on the good in our lives (and i know you do) and go on. there is nothing we can do to control another person. the only power we have is over ourselves and how we handle our imperfect lives. i think blogging gives the impression that everything is perfect and as you know, it is so not the case. i applaud you for writing about such a tough subject. much love,
janet
Oi, Cláudia! Fiquei muito tocada com seu post anterior e com este também. A verdade é que todos temos nossas perdas, dores. Compartilhar, embora difícil, ajuda a amenizar, nos faz ver que nossa dor não é só nossa e nos aproxima. Um abraço quentinho e carinhoso pra você.
Zilda
My mom has 5 sisters and a brother. When their mom died, something happened and one of the sisters got upset, felt she was left out or something. I can’t even remember the story now. She just disappeared and has never spoken to anyone since. No one knows where she is.
After being married to my mother for 21 years, my dad had an affair and married the woman who has a masters degree in psychology. She managed to manipulate his life in such a way that he no longer speaks to me. I realized years ago that it’s not me; it’s all his problem. He has many demons. Such is life.
Our lives are ours to live. Blood is not thicker than water. And that’s okay.
Hugs and blessings, Tammy
Thank you for sharing your story in this and the previous posts…you write beautifully and express your thoughts in a way that speaks honestly and powerfully.
Your peonies are lovely.I am now convinced to get a Peony Bush.
I read your story about your lost sister. Such a mystery. We did a lot of yelling in my house when I was growing up. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. My sisters don’t live far from me and we get together often. One brother lives in Seattle and one in Texas and one has been gone from us for many years. Car v Train. You can read about him on my blog called “Bobby’s Story.” Our Texas brother was lost to us (drugs) for many years, but he returned a few years ago and we are thankful for AA and NA. Family stories are always interesting, aren’t they.
Oh, and we are going to the Bahamas next week.One of my sisters and her hubby and my hubby and I are going together.