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Stronger

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Yesterday, I was putting on my shoes to go outside and retrieve the mail when I saw this:

I ran for my camera. This little one was so sleepy that I was able to step outside and take photographs without disturbing him.

When I purposely made a little noise, I got this:

I remained there for quite a while and then I quietly went back inside. Let him sleep. The mail could come later (it was only a bill anyway.)

Sweet little goldfinch. It’s sort of puffed up. I often see the mourning doves like that, especially when they’re resting.

I’m hanging in there. Thank you for your support. It was an awful day yesterday. Simply awful. But I feel stronger today and I’m slowly putting things in perspective. It’s a lesson I’d rather not have to learn, but learn it I have. It’s not as dire as “Don’t trust anybody” – I’d hate to go through life that way. It’s not my nature.

But “Be wary!” works for me.

I am really, really good at what I do. This I know. This I’ve heard from hundreds and hundreds of people throughout my career. Not only do I have the mastery of my skills, I am compassionate and kind. There’s no better combination. And if this sounds like I’m tooting my horn, I’m not. I’m just calling it as it is. So I’m damned if I’m going to let this crap affect my confidence or my absolute knowledge that I am an excellent coach. As Don, who has been coached by me several times in the past, says, “It’s their loss.” And I can guarantee they’ll feel that loss.

They’re not bad guys. Not at all. They behaved badly.

I’ve definitely learned that I’m expendable. But let’s put this in perspective; I know this has happened to many, many people in all sorts of professions. I’m not special.

Yes, it hurt me deeply. But I am strong.

It’s 63 today – 30 degrees less than it was a couple of days ago. My head is spinning. I did mow yesterday and that helped. I used it to sweat out all my anger. To curse out loud because no one could hear me over the sound of the lawnmower. To concoct emails in my head in which I told them off. That kind of thing. And the good thing is that I got all of that out and now I’m not going to communicate with them at all. That would just be to make me feel better. To teach a lesson. I used to feel the need to do that when I was younger. However, the older I get, the less I am inclined to do that because it’s all about ego. It’s all about feeding my ego when I’m feeling fragile or wronged.

And the lawn looks great, which is a bonus. I also did a bunch of other chores.  And then, having not slept a whole lot the night before, I collapsed. We watched Die Hard  last night, which I haven’t seen in many years, and it was the perfect antidote to my sorrow. You can’t help but be completely engrossed and it’s such a good film!

Today I might mow again or I might just read. And heal.

Thank you, my friends. Your support meant everything to me yesterday. Bless you.

Happy Sunday.

Comments

  1. I’m so glad you were able to get some of the hurt and anger out. The photos of the sweet bird are wonderful. I know how you feel as I’m sure many do. I’m glad I’m retired now and not trying to make my way in the work place. Enjoy the cooler day and do something fun. You have many many friends here and we will always be here for you. Big hugs to you Claudia. You are one very special friend in my life!

  2. I’m glad today feels better. “Watch out for the monkeys and wolves,” my grandfather once told me about people like that.

    And _Die Hard_! How could Alan Rickman NOT make things better?! ;) My husband watches it every Christmas Eve. Rickman’s voice is my favorite part of it. :)

    ‘Hope today is kind to you,

    Val

    • One of the best voices ever. Along with Michael Gambon’s voice. Fortunate to have hear them both in person. Glorious.

  4. Claudia, Glad you’re feeling better. You can go out and conquer the world again, or not…it’s always your choice and your choice of how you define “world”.

  5. Knowing our own self worth is a special gift, and I think it does come as we age a bit. Being retired, and no longer “in competition” with anyone has given me the gift of great peace. I know I could not give that up.

    I can picture you pushing that mower and yelling as you march on. It makes me happy. I know you are enjoying these beautiful temps as we are. It is supposed to be in the mid to upper 70’s all week with no rain in sight. There is so much damage around us from the floods. It seems this year has been one of great extremes. In so many ways.

    Have a good Sunday, and if need be, just whip out that mower and do a bit more hollering. It does help!!

    • We are going to get rain this week because of the hurricane/storm coming up the coast. Starting tomorrow! Thanks, Chris.

  7. I went back to read yesterday’s comments, because I forgot to check off the little box after I commented…the one that says ‘subscribe to comment’. My conclusion….you have the best readers! They were giving the best advice…the most comforting messages….I would be proud to call anyone of them my friend. And, I was reminded of my ‘battle scars’….those times in my life that I felt undervalued, made to feel insignificant and hurt beyond what I thought I could cope with on my own. Like any scar…they heal, but never grow invisible. We live with them. They remind us of how far we’ve come. I’ve screamed in frustration, pounded my share of pillows, and pulled weeds and old flowers out by their roots (my mother’s suggestion). “Whatever it takes to get us through” she used to say. Good advice.

    I’m glad you are feeling better today. Enjoy these cooler temps…they feel glorious don’t they? ;)

  8. you’re not only strong. you’re WISE! surely our goal as we get older is to be less ego driven.
    so many men (and women) have a problem with that. I read somewhere long ago that when we’re hurt we only are hurt by the person or persons once. and by the time we re-play it over and over we have hurt ‘ourselves’ far more! some people play it even years later. it’s hard to let go. but it’s healthier to let it go! and you are one healthy spunky beautiful broad! LOLOL!
    just ask DON!!! xoxo

  9. I think that birds fluff themselves out to keep warm. He is a cute little bird.

    I have found that telling people what was said to me and hearing their take on it takes a lot of the sting out of horrid comments. I did this when a relative accused me of causing my child’s chromosomal birth defects. Just knowing that others were as shocked as I was helped, a lot! And that they were as uneducated as I thought.

    • Ah. That makes sense!

      I’m so sorry someone said something so monumentally ignorant and hurtful as what was said to you, Jan. And it does help to share it – either what was said or what was done. It helps me to hear others condemn the behavior – just a way to know you’re not perceiving it incorrectly. Thanks, Jan.

  10. I thought of you many times since reading yesterday’s post. I am so glad that you feel better about things. We never really know why some people say or do certain things. You know in your heart what the truth is. It hurts but it will pass.

  11. Claudia, Stay strong. Glad you mowed and worked off some of the anger. We have a right to feel anger when we have been hurt. Sending hugs to you. Blessings to you and Don, xoxo, Susie

  12. How dare anyone make you feel bad; it makes my blood boil; you’re a good person. To hell with them, Claudia. You ARE strong and WILL NOT be defined by someone else or their actions, and you have to let this go now, once you’ve indeed purged the understandable negative emotions, because nothing, absolutely nothing can nor will dampen your excitement for this lovely upcoming trip to Europe, which you and Don deserve and which will give you both such joy.

    So nice to hear of your cooler weather; send some my way!

    • I have let it go. It’s not worth my time. And, this afternoon, I feel a nice sense of release. It’s good.

      Thank you, Vicki.

    • I’ve gotten laid off of two jobs in my former work life; then, another was constantly threatened to where I took on the assignments of three people and worked myself ridiculously to the bone to prove my worth (so that they wouldn’t delete the position, which was on the docket). When you work so hard at something and take pride in what you do, only to be told you’re not needed, is not uplifting, feels like betrayal, is hurtful even if it’s ‘business’ as the employer might coldly say, and it definitely filled me in those times with a range of emotions from frustration to anger, to disbelief, to standing up for myself in indignation, to be staggered by the incredible unfairness of it all, to feel as if my self-worth was sullied, to fear of losing the paycheck and how would I pay my rent; just the incredulity of the whole thing, like how can something like this happen when I bust my a*s day in and day out? Nobody likes to be made to feel ‘dismissed’ as if they don’t count or don’t measure up or are unnecessary…or to be ‘replaced’.

      Churning turmoil. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, Claudia; sounds like that’s some of what it is and, again, it makes me and all your readers feel protective that you’re having to go through a hard time on the work front. Try to hang in there. Totally agree with Don that it’s their loss. It took me a long time to realize that with these kinds of problems, even when it came to an old boyfriend, yes, their loss, his loss. You stay strong.

      It does make me wonder how both you and Don can handle auditions and be rejected for roles. Like a writer. I was reading about the screenwriter/director Lawrence Kasdan (The Big Chill and so many well-known films) because I just watched “Body Heat” again on PBS’ Saturday night movie here (haven’t seen that movie in 30 years and forgot how much I loved it; very ‘noir’ and compelling and moody, and I really like the actor William Hurt – – anyway, Kasdan wrote and directed it) and I read that he was rejected 67 times for his script of “The Bodyguard” – – now that takes some toughness to keep up against THAT much rejection. And it comes to my mind right now of what an awful word REJECTION is! It’s such an affront. Painful. But you’re resilient, Claudia.

      • Well, Don is the one who has to deal with that most often – years of auditioning and being rejected. Actors have to develop thick skins but it’s never, never easy. I’ve had to deal with it, but much less than Don.

        I need to remember to add something to tomorrow’s post – in one of these 2 situations, the person involved called me and apologized and sincerely was regretful at what happened – which I’m not willing to go into detail about – and we had a good talk. It didn’t help with the hurt, but I appreciated the sincerity, which was real. The whole thing leaves me with mixed emotions, because, in the end, I realize that I’m completely expendable. And that’s hard to handle.

  14. My grown children told me they always knew when I wasn’t happy about something because I’d pull out the vacuum cleaner. They grew up in a very tidy home haha. Anyway, I think I can relate a bit to your experience. For 15 years I worked along side of a colleague that I respected and truly liked. We teamed several times a week. Then one day he stole an assignment right out from under me. Honestly, I knew he was very self centered but so are a lot of people. Older male divorced for years so he was used to running his own show. Plus being self employeed that was more control. Anyway I refused to ever work with him again. The worst part for me has been his greed caused an end to our friendship. As you said, he too isn’t a bad person but the bond of respect, trust and friendship ended. I could never feel the same again so I walked away. It still makes me sad.

  15. Good for you to find a way to work out your initial feelings about this. One of the great things about getting older is we come to know our own worth and the heck with how other people judge us. Don is right. It is THEIR loss.

    I’ve never seen a goldfinch puffed up quite like that one. He really didn’t want to wake up.

  16. How lucky you were to get pictures of that sweet little gold finch…such a sleepy little guy!…I’m glad to hear that you are feeling better about what happened…I’m sorry to say this but I almost had to giggle when I pictured you pushing the mower around and cursing out loud….but I am so happy that it helped to do it!!

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