Some of you already read this news in my comment replies yesterday or on my Instagram feed, but if you haven’t, I’ve decided to spend a few more days down here. It became very clear that it was too soon for me to leave; my sister wasn’t ready for me to leave. Neither was I. When I texted her at work later in the day and suggested staying a bit, instead of a protest, she immediately texted one word: Yes. So, with Don’s blessing and support (even though he was disappointed that he wasn’t going to see me last night) I changed the reservation and I’ll be here until Saturday.
There are still things to be done; phone calls I can make while Meredith is at work, lists to be made, and, even though we spent Saturday and Sunday sorting through the most personal of my parents’ possessions, there is obviously a lot more sorting to do. And we have to find a home for the cats. Stacy has offered to take them, but she has 3 cats and 3 dogs already. I’m a little worried about these two cats who have lived a quiet life with my parents, who have never known anything but life with each other and, most recently, my dad. My dad wanted them to be adopted as a pair. That’s a tough order. And Lydia is like a watch cat. She can be very testy. Luke is a doll. So…what do we do? I’m praying a solution that will be the best possible scenario will come. As it is, we walk in the door at the condo to see Lydia sitting in my mom’s chair, watching the door, waiting for Dad to come home. It breaks my heart.
A moment from my dad’s last hours: I inherited this ring from my mom. Dad gave it to her for their 60th wedding anniversary and she wanted me to have it. I don’t wear it all the time, only on special occasions. As I was throwing things in my suitcase last Wednesday, I saw it on my dresser and a gut feeling told me to put it on my finger. So I did.
At one point during the many hours at Dad’s bedside, I was sitting on his right, holding his hand. His finger found the ring. As Meredith, my brother-in-law, and I watched, his finger started to stroke the ring, moving slowly back and forth.
He knew the ring. He knew the shape and the texture. And as Meredith says, my hands and skin are like Mom’s. My hand felt like my mom’s. I was channeling my mother for my dad. It was an amazing moment. From that point on, whenever I could tuck the ring under one of his fingers, I did.
I’ve been trying to read my book, but it’s been hard for me to concentrate. Nevertheless, I tote it wherever I go, trusting that my reading instinct will kick in.
And there’s a little boy who is demanding a lot of my attention.
Happy Tuesday.
Claudia I have just read the previous post and this one and you are so right about what you and Meredith went through in your father’s final hours; it is a gift. I was with my father in his final hours and while heartbreaking, I am so glad I was there. Treasure it.
My heart goes out to you and all of your family.
Much love,
Deb
Thank you, Debbie.
Sometimes we take comfort in what is familiar – it was fortunate that you listened to your inner voice and took the ring with you. Looking at yesterday’s photo, I was struck by how much you resemble your mom. It’s good that you can stay a few more days to be with Meredith. I do hope that you can find a good home for the cats.
Me too, Barbara. I worry about them. It’s not as if I even know them very well, but I do know how much they meant to my dad, especially in the 18 months since Mom’s death.
Oh Claudia, I’m so glad you are staying. You and Meredith need the time to process all the emotions and just talk and feel it all. It’s the right thing to do. I’m so sorry for your loss. I was able to hold my dad’s hand at his last breath and it is a profound moment that I will never forget. As for the kitties, we adopted 2 last year as a pair. They were surrendered into the spca together and the spca wouldn’t separate them, so we took both and love them dearly. There’s every chance that they will find a lot of stimulation living with Stacy and they might really like it, although it is a lot of animals for her to care for. Don’t take that ring off! Meredith and Little Z are very glad you’re there.
They might be okay at Stacy’s apartment, but I don’t know…worried.
I’m glad you could stay with Mere a bit longer. That sorting takes its toll. So many memories to relive and I felt a responsibility to find homes for the things that my mom and dad treasured and lived with all those years.
I have been worried about those cats all this last week. They meant so much to both your mom and dad. I remember talking to your mom about getting the cats and she was worried about what would happen to them when she and your dad weren’t around anymore.
The sorting and phone calls and finding homes for things can be so hard but I came to think of it as doing something for my mom and dad and I think it helps in the healing.
Love to you both,
Eileen
Eileen, I am really worried about them. And Lydia is such a pill – she hisses at us if we get close to any of Dad’s things. The cats are devoted to each other and I’m really just realizing how difficult it might be to get them a home.
So glad you’ve decided to stay a bit longer Claudia…wise choice. Your ring is beautiful – so sweet that your Dad recognized it…so fortunate you took it with you. I don’t really have good advice about the sorting, etc. My Dad passed away just over two years ago and I still have boxes and boxes and boxes of things at my house to go through. It isn’t easy. I also found that I couldn’t concentrate well enough to read for a little while after his death. It all takes time. Wishing you peace and beautiful memories. And, good luck with the cats – I hope an easy solution presents itself soon.
Thank you, Vera.
So glad you are going to have more time with your sister. You need each other right now. Your ring is gorgeous and how precious that it was so meaningful to your Dad.
thinking of you and Mere.
Judy
Thank you, Judy.
I have a feeling that that ring will not be coming off your finger for a long time. I hope that you can figure out a home for the cats, Stacey sounds like a wonderful lady, but as though she has a lot to care for already. She might be a good foster home in the meantime though. Perhaps that would help you all to transition for a while, you know the cats will be OK and with someone they are familiar with and someone good and then you can take a little more time to find a permanent new home for them. Might be a way to compromise. xx
You’re right, that is an option, Amy. Thank you.
I am so glad you decided to stay. It is a blessing for you and Meredith to be able to do this together. I know the decisions about ‘things’ is hard, but the cats are a real worry. Keeping them together is important and hopefully someone will be able to take them and give them a good home. Its so sad. I love the ring and that your Dad found comfort in finding it on your hand. Prayers continue for all of you.
hugs,
Linda
Thank you, dear Linda. This is such a hard time, but it helps that Meredith and I are dealing with as much of it as we can – together.
Hi Claudia,
I’ve just found my way to your blog via Meredith’s. Your writing about your Dad is so moving. It is so good to read about how close and supportive you and Meredith are to each other. I wish you both lots of love as you deal with this sad time.
Janet
It’s lovely to meet you, Janet. Thank you so much for your kind words.
I am so very happy you are staying through the week. When I saw that yesterday it made me smile. I am surprised Meredith is working this week, although I know many people who feel that getting right back to work helps them through their grief. Everyone has to find their own way through the process. And that precious little one is surely bringing a smile to everyone’s face.
The story of the ring is a beautiful one. I’m sure that even years from now, every time you slip that ring on your finger you will remember those moments you shared with your Dad.
Our memories are the most precious things we own.
Meredith has the kind of work that I do – if you don’t work, you don’t get paid – no paid leave, or time off. She missed a lot of work last week, so she has to go back to work. I’m here to help make phone calls and do things that are hard for her to accomplish with her work commitments. And, of course, we’re together to help each other through all of this.
That makes it even more special that you are staying through the week. There are so many details that have to be taken care of, and I can only imagine how thankful she is to know you are handling that while she takes care of the special job she does. You do make quite a special team.
Thank you, Chris. I love my sister, that’s for sure.
It’s only the one cat that is possessive – Lydia. Luke is pretty mellow and sweet. Oy. Not sure what to do.
I have read your posts about the passing of your Dad and I am so sorry for your loss and yet you have been blessed in many ways on this journey of life with Meredith by your side . Time, it is the most treasured present, so I am glad you are spending more with her and helping with the details. It can be so much for one person to take care of especially when they are close to the loved one who is gone. Each of you need the other to lean into. The kitties, I would contact their vet and also any groups in the area that could find a placement for them with someone of a similar life style as your Dad had. Take care and I am wishing you kindness for your heart.
I am going to contact their Vet. Coincidentally, that is where they found the cats to begin with. So I’ll give them a call and see if they know of anyone who will adopt them.
It’s a blessing that you are able to stay with Meredith awhile longer. There is lots to do, memories to sort…and now you will have some time to do those things properly. Those cats seem very possessive….hope you can find someone to take them both. But, I’m sure no matter where they go, it’s going to be difficult for them. Cats do like their routines! How wonderful you decided to wear your Mom’s ring..,.it’s beautiful…such a treasure. Take care….the reading will come back as you resume some sort of schedule. And that has to be difficult now…don’t rush it. Just take it one day at a time! ;)
How would Scout like some new companions? Maybe contact the shelter down there and see if they have anyone who would prefer older cats…..I think shelters are becoming more humane when dealing with senior animals. It’s hard :-(
I’m allergic to cats. Being in my dad’s place is enough to start me sneezing and itching. And Meredith’s son is very allergic. You see our problem…
So glad you decided to stay a bit longer — you sisters need the time together. My sister and I found that to be true also … it’s worth whatever inconvenience might be necessary. My blessings for you both.
Thank you so much, Ann.
Claudia, I am glad you are taking the time with your sister to start the healing for both of you. You have a good heart to be worrying about the cats during this difficult time. Hope you can find a home you feel happy leaving them. Take care, Doris
Thank you, Doris.
Your Mom’s ring is so beautiful and so was your Dads reaction to it…I guess it’s good to listen to that tiny voice inside our heads sometimes…I wish I could help with the kitties…it is so hard for older pets when they loose their people who loved them…Cats do not like change much..but they will adjust and learn to love someone who is kind, patient and loving with them…I have found that the best thing to do is not try to force yourself on them..just be there for them until they feel safe again and they will eventually come to you…As someone above said..it might be good if Stacy would foster them awhile as they already know and trust her…Maybe they could go for a visit at her place to see how it goes…Since she has multiple pets now maybe she knows the best way to introduce them to each other…If you need to know how for any reason I can tell you what to do…I am so glad that you decided to stay longer…I bet I know of a little boy who is glad too…
Thank you, Nancy.
oooh, the story of the ring. Wow –
good move to stay a bit longer, spend time together. The realtor who helped us sell my fathers house adopted his cat when I explained his plight. Perhaps an angel of sorts will step up to adopt your parents cats as well. The local vet might have someone in mind… a client who may have recently lost a beloved cat.
We’re going to call the vet who my dad (and my sister) used, and let them know. Thanks, Karen.
Just good back home from a trip and read your blog. Oh, Claudia, I am so sorry about your father. I am glad you and Meredith are together. Please know that I will be praying for you all and also praying for a good home for the two cats. Again, I am so, so sorry.
Thank you, Dottie.
Claudia, for the cats, can you contact your local Humane Society or ASPCA?
I did volunteer work on a special/specified basis in the early 2000s with my county animal shelter and they would work hard to adopt out pets as pairs who came in as pairs…but those were also the days pre-Recession when the county could give them a little more ‘time’ whereas nowadays the pets have to be ‘processed’ more quickly due to limited space. (Too many animals, not enough adoptions; the County is ‘the pound’ and it’s a kill shelter although they ‘live’ to sell animals and try to save as many as they can thru adoption while trying to deal with over-population.) So many people lost their homes in the Recession and still haven’t recovered; can’t afford to take on a pet again…and, where I live, it is very, very hard to find a landlord who will accept pets if you’re forced to rent. My vet tech told me that she is reducing her numbers of pets because the current rental owner is charging her $500 per pet as a deposit, on top of the actual rental deposit for the space…and the monthly rent is higher also than if she had zero pets. She’s moved several times. She is penalized for having pets. So unfair. It’s probably not just a Southern California ‘thing.’ Rents here are already so very high.
Personally, I don’t ever think ‘Free To A Good Home’ is a great idea. I adopted two dogs and a cat under that scenario, just to ‘save’ them because of recent articles, at the time, telling pet owners not to do that kind of advertisement…that, because of the uncertainty of who was answering the ad, the future of the animals can turn out very wrong. For instance, in my area and –again– at that point in time (I don’t know if these things are still a threat but I fear they must be)…there was a concern of people with poor intentions, masquerading as potential loving pet owners, going for those sorts of “Free to Good Home” ads in order to sell the pets to medical labs on a quick turnaround for an easy buck (whereas the original owner thinks, ‘oh, weren’t they nice and how great I found a good home for my pets’…NOT!…all a big ruse) and, unfortunately, we also have a terrible problem with illegal pit bull rings where the gamers will round up strays or ‘free to good home’ animals as bait for the fighter pit bulls-in-training. (I hesitated writing this because I don’t want to fill you with more pain or worry. I’m just trying to draw from experience, if I could help you with any ideas for sound pet-adoption solutions.)
Perhaps you could at least call on the phone to a no-kill shelter and see what they would advise in your situation…google no-kill shelters in the locale to get the phone numbers. They might have a list, i.e. know of another senior (or any-age person) who has lost their cat and don’t want a kitten (they instead just pretty much want what they had, i.e. a mature cat or cats). I have a friend who went to a no-kill shelter’s adoption day, with the intent of only adopting one small dog of maybe age 3-4, but she was touched by the story of a mama dog and her puppy, now of mature age and never having been separated, so she wound up adopting the pair and it was the easiest transition ever because they still had each other in their new home. (There again, the no-kill shelter had taken them in as a pair, and adopted them out as a pair. You’re not going to see something like that at a retail pet shop for profit (my parents split up a mama dog and her puppy because they could only buy one; another time, they split up a brother and a sister, also because they could only buy one dog, not two [frankly, that was then and this is now but I would NEVER get a pet from a pet shop] but I think you WILL see it with the rescue organizations; they really try to do the right thing by the animal[s] because they’re all about animal welfare and wellbeing.)
Or, another thing you could do is inquire with the cats’ vet; sometimes, my former vet would allow people to post a notice on their in-office bulletin board, if they were trying to find a home for a pet. The only other people seeing those notices were other pet lovers and it was also pets of which the vet knew some of the history of the animal (ownership, medical needs, behavior, etc.). Also, just mentioning it to the vet and staff can sometimes help; put the bug in their ear. Some years back, our vet had known we’d recently lost one of our cocker spaniels (natural death/old age) but then almost simultaneously had a woman bring in another elderly cocker she wanted euthanized…said she’d have to give up the dog because she couldn’t afford some work needed done on him (and, well, some other excuses as well; she just didn’t want him anymore; he had issues and a lot of people can’t deal with the issues of an aging animal). The vet stalled her, saying she didn’t think his problems warranted euthanasia and would she consider letting him be adopted out? They called me; I went to look at him and I was sucked in. We struck a deal…I said I’d take him (he was age 11) if the woman and the vet worked out the costs of the immediate care he required (I knew I’d have plenty more later on with him, and I did); the vet did some of the work for free and the woman was able to pay the rest in exchange for knowing someone was going to adopt him and further his care; the vet of course then retained the patient, so it was a win-win all the way around (although I needed another dog like a hole in the head).
If you have some time in between, why not google the question of ‘what to do with pets left homeless after their senior owner has passed?’ See what bloggers say; what’s on the boards/forums. But, I have to say, if you already have the caregiver offering to take the cats, and she also already knows them, she probably also knows what she can handle or wouldn’t have offered otherwise (although 8 animals in one apartment sounds like a lot; is it a big place?). She would of course know what they were accustomed to and what their environment was; what they’ll need for a good crossover. (She obviously loves pets.) Many dogs live among cats very compatibly. When I got married, my husband came with a dog and cat who were inseparable, both at age 3 and they hadn’t even been raised together.
If this was ten years ago, I’d offer to take the cats for you. I would have worked out the transport, one coast to the other. But we’ve already made the difficult decision…with health problems and finances and even possible relocation…not to adopt any more animals because we’re afraid the same thing will happen, that they’ll outlive us (and I sadly have no one in my extremely-small family or even in my circle of friends who’d be ready-adopters; there’s just no safety net there). I really do think it’s a common problem and shelters encounter this with adult kids whose aging parents had pets. I coaxed Mom to take on a 11-yr-old cat whose elderly ‘mom’ had passed. Mom had him two years til he died. I delivered hot meals to a guy thru our community services and he tried to get on without his old dog but became clinically depressed, so the doctor said, ‘get another dog.’ I heard later that the gentleman passed; I don’t know what happened to the second/new dog. I wish this wasn’t one more thing you have to deal with when you already have so much on your plate. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best luck with each dilemma you encounter in these hard days. Take care, Claudia.
Thank you Vicki. It’s certainly a worry for us and we haven’t figured out the solution yet.
Dear Claudia, just read the post about your Dad’s last hours. Please know my prayers are with you and your sister. I was with my beloved step dad, the granny who helped raise me and the aunt we helped care for when they took their last breath. Every time it was a blessing and gift to hold their hand and tell them how much I loved them and to thank them for their love. I am so glad you and your sister will have that precious memory to strengthen you in the days and months ahead. Sending love during this difficult time XOXO.
Thank you, Janie.
There are always so many little things to take care of … it’s good that you’re staying longer. I hope you find an easy solution for the kitties. I gasped when I saw the ring – I wear one exactly like it that was my mom’s 50th wedding anniversary ring. I’m so glad you’re also getting some additional Little Buddy bonding time.
Thank goodness for my Little Z, Debbie.
If I were in Florida, Claudia, I would offer to take the cats. We’re missing having cats in our household. You’ve received a lot of good advice from your blog friends. Something positive for Luke and Lydia is bound to happen. Thank you for sharing the story of your Mom’s ring, and your Dad’s reaction to it. The story was incredibly bittersweet. What a loving memory for you to provide something so precious for your Dad.
I so wish you could take the cats, Wendy. Ah, well. Thank you.