The yucky weather continues. Both Don and I feel groggy and take 1 or even 2 naps during the day. Today, we’ll get more thunderstorms in the afternoon and there’s yet another excessive heat advisory. It feels as if I’ve spent most of my summer indoors, which, believe me, is not the way I like it.
We stand inside the house and watch bunnies chasing each other and the groundhog dining on our grass. And there’s a steady stream of birds at the birdbath. I plan ahead as to when to water outside; if it rained the day before, I’ll do it later in the day. If it hasn’t, I’m loading that huge watering can with water at an early hour, then dousing everything that gets a lot of sun and all the pots on the porch.
I’m really tired of this weather trend.
I finished The Year of Magical Thinking yesterday morning. I found it so moving and brave and beautifully written. Reading it for the first time at this time in my life is hard. It pushed buttons, things I don’t want to linger on, but fear deeply. I think about death a lot. I think about the now very real possibility of losing Don. Or, Don’s real possibility of losing me. Both of us have said many times that we wouldn’t want to go on without the other. I can’t imagine a life without my husband. I know some of you have lost your partner and/or spouse and have already had to face this. I watched my dad cope with the loss of my mother. He tried very hard to stay active and hopeful but it was devastating for him and he died eighteen months later.
There are no answers. It’s just something that preys on my mind. Life and death.
This is a passage I read out loud to Don the other night when we were reading in bed:
Marriage is memory, marriage is time. “She didn’t know the songs” I recall being told a friend of a friend had said after an attempt to repeat the experience. Marriage is not only time: it is also, paradoxically, the denial of time. For forty years I saw myself through John’s eyes. I did not age. This year for the first time since I was twenty-nine, I saw myself through the eyes of others. This year for the first time since I was twenty-nine I realized that my image of myself was of someone significantly younger. – Joan Didion
Boy, did that hit me. For me, it would be since the age of forty-one.
I’m still pondering passages in that book. I’m still and always worrying about loss and the end of life.
It may not be your cup of tea, but my goodness, what a powerful account of love and marriage and loss and identity and survival.
I’m back to Bring Up the Bodies, the second book in Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall series. I put it aside when I played catch up with the Daniel Silva spy thrillers. I’m awaiting James Lee Burke’s newest, Clete, from my local library system. It’s been out almost two months and I was #3 in the queue when it finally arrived at our local libraries and I’ve just now reached #1. And that doesn’t mean it’s coming to me this week, so I’m reading what I have and what I’m in the mood for on these hazy, hot and humid days.
Stay safe.
Happy Wednesday.
Very thought provoking what the author wrote. I can’t imagine my life without my husband. I don’t like to think about it too much.
Made a discovery a couple of days ago. In our church there are three couples I know who are about our age. Yet they have been married less than us. We are the “old” couple. That was eye opening because we used to be the younger couple.
I am looking forward to the cooler weather.
Right now I am reading “Disclosure” by Dee Henderson. Finally after over 200 plus pages it is getting more interesting.
Sometimes we have to wait a bit too long until a book gets interesting!
Stay safe, Trina.
dear Claudia/Don — love pixs of monarchs, have not seen any yet this year, keeping eye out for them. we got a little rain (thankful !!) overnite w/cooler temps this a.m. am S O O O ready for summer to end — relentless heat w/little rain/relief has taken a big “toll” on everything/everyone around here. Altho I am an “old, cranky” woman, I do try to look positive at life/death — since I can’t see the future, I try to live for now. Can’t imagine life w/o the Mr as we have been a “pair” many, many years but of course, w/o guarantees, nothing can be assumed. I think about survival as a “single” but guess will endure somehow IF/when the unthinkable happens — so will you/Don. stay safe/healthy
I can’t bear to think about it, Linda. It brings too much fear and pain.
I hope you get some relief weather-wise. I know it’s been very hard for you.
Stay safe.
“The Year of Magical Thinking” had a profound effect on me and still does. It helped me get through some hard times and is still a comfort.
I do hope you get some relief from the heat soon.
Wishing cool nights,
Kaye
Thanks so very much, Kaye.
Stay safe.
Your thoughts are very normal, Claudia. It’s funny how when we’re younger we don’t even think about growing old. Well, I do now. I’m 78 and my husband is 75. My serious health scare two years ago was a real wake-up call. We have no children to be there for us and nieces and nephews are all scattered so we have to depend on each other. It’s scary sometimes. But you can’t live in fear of the future. As Susan Branch often says you have to “rise about reality”. Good advice. Hugs, Elaine
Same with us, Elaine. No children and nieces and nephews are grown, married, and very far away.
Stay safe.
As you know, I lost my dear loved one less than a year ago. One thing that eases my pain is to know that he didn’t have to go through the pain that I am going through not having him here with me. The loss is HUGE but I’m taking one day at a time while moving forward.
Enjoy the love you have for each other each and every day. Don’t waste your time dwelling on what ‘could be’ because no one knows what the future holds for any of us.
Have a wonderful day!
I do know, Cathy. I cannot imagine how hard and heartbreaking it has been for you. Sending you love always as you navigate this new reality.
xoxo
Stay safe.
Hi Claudia! I feel for you and the heat. It has been 103 in our world, but it starts out around 70 at 7:00 so we indulge in coffee and reading outside until the heat forces us in around 10am. This morning a 3” swallowtail landed on the hummingbird feeder and proceeded to feed for about 5 min. You could watch its long probisus (sp) diving in as the bottom of the feeder is clear. Beautiful. We were on pins and needles hoping the hummer wouldn’t show up to dive bomb it.
We are reaching an age aren’t we. My husband and I concentrate on what today is going to be. But the mind wanders some days…. Not everyday has a rainbow. And the current world doesn’t help. I’m watching the Explore.org brown bears. They are full of salmon and a joy to see.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. It helps us too! Take care!
That is hot, Verna!
Oh how lovely to see that swallowtail!
Thank you, Verna.
Stay safe.
thanks for bringing up a tough-but-inevitable topic, claudia. as verna said, it helps us, too, to think and talk about death.
i am single and have no children. been that way a while so (as is my way) i am pretty much prepared in the tangible, practical kinds of things that must be dealt with by someone at some time before or at the time of my passing. since it’s best i am the one to do that, i have done that; i’ve made my own final arrangements. things are 100% paid off at the necessary places, lists have been made about songs i want played at my funeral (one of them is “lovely cruise” by jimmy buffett), money matters (including beneficiaries) and the furniture, art, etc. (especially the family pieces and others that may have sentimental value or financial benefit to my family) … and my brother and sister know where all that information is. i keep going through papers, photos and all my other belongings to lighten my own load and especially to share now with anyone else in my family if they want such things and i donate what none of them or i want/need. doing those things, talking about plans and wishes with my family and praying to God help me with such matters because, as we all know, it’s not easy. and my faith in general helps with the more emotional parts and some questions i’ve had and wondered about.
i don’t know that i will be reading that book. parts of some “little house” books brought this all to mind and were tough. but so are we … strong, i mean, and we will get through things and take care of things and our loved ones and ourselves. :)
thanks again for bringing this up. whew!
hope you all are keeping cool and stay safe in every way.
xo,
kathy
been thinking more about these things and wanted to add something. after reading what you wrote yesterday, claudia, and what everyone else had said, i re-read my own comment and my words sounded pretty perfunctory (don’t know that’s exactly the word i want, but will go with it). while i do have the practical basics lined up and know that God will guide and comfort and i am relieved about and by those things, i didn’t really say anything about the emotional parts of loss … because my mind and heart don’t want to go there. had to, of course, and still do every day feel those losses. ack. but because i feel *that* clock ticking ever louder and faster, my family and i do talk about those things and i again try to keep my focus on God’s promises and my loved ones and today. to take care of the have-to stuff and especially my family. to not worry so much about what hard parts could be ahead that i miss today. to not let depression (which, for me, is all about grief) win. not an easy balance, but doing what i can. and sending lots of prayers and hugs and love to you all, too. xo.
kathy
xo
We’re getting older and the reality of it is not easy.
Stay safe, Kathy.
This heat has me so lethargic and there is so much I want to work on in my new place. I keep working a tiny bit at a time. Since losing my Mom in November, I have become so much more aware of this last season of my life. Turning 74 and just knowing that I must decide what is important to me to accomplish. I haven’t really figured it out but I feel like by the end of this year I will have made a few plans. Places I can still go (traveling is so much harder for me now), things I want to do and friends and family I would like to visit one more time. I’m not morbid about it but truly aware that there are no guarantees to how healthy and how long.
OHh my goodness! Yes, the heat and humidity makes both Don and I lethargic, almost as if we are drugged.
Yes, you’re right. There are no guarantees. We have to live in the moment, yet plan for the future.
Stay safe, Linda.
I feel for the ones left behind. Our only child left to marry a man in the Navy 14 years ago. He passed at 39 years old earlier this year. Last Monday she pre signed papers to sell the house. Tuesday walk through. Wednesday house was packed. Thursday morning as she wakes for the movers to mover her and 2 elementary aged kids 1/2 across the country, realtor calls and says the husband (couple in their 70s) passed. So sad for all. All our daughter could do is move. The widow wants the house but it won’t work financially for her. They were supposed to sign the papers Friday, the day after our daughter moved out. Now she is back to square one and paying for 2 homes. I agree with many comments above. I have always been a happy introvert, love being home and enjoy peacefully commenting on a few blogs with like minded individuals. We get the same weather as you do. The last storms have come through and split North and South of us, no rain. I do put water out for the animals. The deer have eaten the leaves off of 3 huge hostas I have up against our house. Looked so funny, they look perfectly manicured as they only ate the leaves no stems. Take care.
I’m so sorry for your daughter (and you) – having to cope with this loss. Sending love to all.
Stay safe, Carlotta.
As we enjoy a few days of cooler temps (70’s), I feel for you, Claudia. It’s sad to think these hotter summers are probably the way it will be from now on. We just weren’t meant to live year around indoors.
Now I want to read Joan Didion’s book too so thank you for sharing it. I’m going to be 75 next month while my husband will be 66 in September. But we both are very aware, having lost
parents in the last decade, that we are now the elders in the extended family. While my father-in-law died of ALS when our children were so young they don’t remember him, his mom died the month our youngest graduated high school. My parents followed 8 and 10 years later and my youngest brother unexpectedly died just 10 months after mom. September marks the 2 year anniversary of my endometrial cancer diagnosis and hysterectomy. I’m still processing how it could be that the very organs that allowed me to give birth to two wonderful human beings tried to kill me.
I’ve always been a “live in the moment” person, something my youngest tells me he admires. He says he likes that I’m not constantly pointing a camera at them documenting this or that event but rather simply enjoying it. Anyway, I’m trying to take my recent experiences of my parents’ deaths by making easier for our sons to deal with my passing. I’m endlessly downsizing, becoming a minimalist when I never was before. It’s tremendously liberating and I so wish I’d encouraged mom to do the same. I’m also writing family history down on paper, something I wish I’d asked my parents to do. Above all, I’m living in, and trying to find joy, in every day. Sure, I wonder what would happen if Dean went first but assume the numbers are in his favor.
Sure hope you get a break in the weather despite the dog days coming up.
Take care,
Kay
We have no children, so we have no idea what will happen to our stuff when we’re gone. I am also trying to downsize, and I suppose more of that will happen in the coming year.
My parents died within 18 months of each other. And my brother died in 1991 – 33 years ago,
Stay safe, Kay.
I think about losing my husband often. There are many widows in my neighborhood. Since there isn’t anything I can do about it except make sure he says healthy, I just move on and try to be nicer. Hopefully I will go first.
It is a sad part of getting older. I gues it is the price we pay for living long lives.
I guess so. And for loving someone deeply.
Stay safe, Kay.
We were just talking about that topic today — that our bodies are older, less flexible and willing. But in our heads we’re considerably younger — young ideas, we think we’re pretty with it… And then you look at the clock ticking and realize you’re nearing the end of the continuum. I read and loved “Magical Thinking” but I couldn’t help but think of Rick and me as I did, especially with his cycling and not being the 30 or 40 year old he used to be. It’s a tough thought. We both talk about it a fair bit these days.
So do we. Sigh.
Stay safe, Jeanie.